Merry Christmas!

I know I haven't been around much, but just wanting to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. Hoping to be back in full swing in the New Year...

How I spent the past 2 days

Here's some photographic evidence. Pics are from the cell phone and are beyond crappy but you get the idea. I've also been eating a shit load of chocolate chip cookies.






For weeks I've been putting off packing up Ava's summer stuff, but when I did her last load of laundry and realized that I couldn't possibly put anything else in the closet, I decided it was time. What I didn't realize is that I completely neglected to put away her winter stuff from LAST year, so I had more work to do than normal. I always hate putting the stuff away because it makes me incredibly sad that she will never wear this stuff again. But, anyway, it's done, and now her closet looks almost empty. The only solution I have for that is more shopping.


I'm going to try to post again tomorrow, but really we all know that won't happen so I hope everyone has a safe and Happy Thanksgiving. I'm off to work on getting my house ready for 25 peeps on Friday. And I might have another cookie Yes, I'm crazy.

Here I go again..

I feel like all I think and talk about lately is the significance of this month last year. November 2007 will forever be etched in my mind. On one hand we celebrate that we did not lose my dad from the massive heart attack that he had, but on the other hand we grieve for the loss of our babies. Today marks the one year anniversary that I lost our second precious girl. Today, in the cold and rain, I will make my first trip to the cemetary in several months to lay flowers in memory of her. That day, November 15, 2007 forever changed who I am as a human being. As hard as it was to go through something like that, I'm greatful that I have been able to pull through and come out as a better person, and a better mother because of it.

Perfect Timing...

You will notice, just below her right eye, appears to be my precious baby girl's first shiner. I have NO idea how it happened. She's as rambunctious as a bull so lord only knows. All I do know is that she has pictures on Friday with my favorite photographer of all time, so it better be gone by then.

Chaos

Meet the newest addition to our family.

Matthew was hunting on his farm this weekend and literally almost ran her over with his 4 wheeler. She appears to be mostly Australian Shepherd but there must be something else mixed in. She's a really sweet dog and her face is precious, but lord have mercy she has alot of energy. I'm used to the dog that literally sleeps unless he's eating or going to the bathroom so having her in the house has been a major change for us. I'm afraid that she might run Harley to death.

Once Matthew found her she wouldn't leave his side, he even tried to lose her a couple of times and would find her back at their camper at night. Me being the sucker that I am told him to bring her home. She's in pretty rough shape. She's underweight and has knots in most of her fur, so I'm taking her to the vet today and the groomer on Wednesday and hopefully everything will be okay with her. Ideally I get to the vet today and they can find a micro-chip but I'm not counting on it. Especially because it looks like she's never even had a collar on.

Harley's tail has been wagging since the second she stepped in the door, and Ava was running around this morning screaming "two doggies mommy!" We aren't 100% sure at this point that we will keep her, but unless I find somewhere that I know she would be taken care of, she can stay right here. I just hope that I'm not making the wrong decision.

I suck at blogging...

And I'd like to say that I have a ton of excuses of why I haven't posted in what seems like forever, but I don't. I'm busy, but no busier than anyone else. I'm really just trying to soak up every ounce of Ava that I can because this little girls is literally growing up right before my eyes.

Last week I finally took her out to one of the local pumpkin patches around here. It was cold but we decided to go on a weekday to avoid the large weekend crowds. I also dragged my parents with us, because let's face it, Ava would probably pick doing something with my dad over me 9 times out of 10. That was definitely evident that day after we got back to their house as she REFUSED to come home with me, clinging to every inch of his leg and actually telling me to leave, she was staying with papa. Lord help me with this child.

Anywho here are some pics of the day.

Cheezing it up for the camera on the way.

Hanging with grandma while looking at the chicks and bunnies

Her hat's too small and her face is dirty but I love this pic.

In front of the "haunted farmhouse," which I thought she would totally hate. We had to drag her out of there after about the 7th time through. I think it freaked me out more than it did her.

With me on her very first hayride

Hanging with our pumpkin stash, waiting for the tractor to take us back.

With her papa on the way back.

Up next, my attempt to carve pumpkins. This outta be interesting...

A post is long overdue but...

In honor of today being National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I took some time tonight to light candles for those we have lost.

Please pray for all those families out there who also have suffered the loss of a child.

On a slightly lighter note, as soon as Ava saw the candles, she immediately got excited, sang Happy Birthday and tried and eventually succeeded at blowing the right one out.

One year

It was one year ago today that my life as a mother changed forever. This day last year I learned that I would not be bringing two babies home, and the life of the remaining baby was hanging in the balance.

Words still cannot describe the pain I felt that day, but there was still hope that I would be bringing home one healthy baby.

Little did I know.

The memories of my pregnancy are fading, but the pain I feel over that loss is always there. I don't cry about it anymore, but I think about them and say a prayer every single day. The what if's can be overwhelming at times, but I've proven to myself that even though nothing will ever be the same again, I can and have moved on. That experience has forever changed who I am as a person, and who I am as a mother. I have more dead children than I do living ones. No one should ever have to write that.

Bitchin cuz I wanna

Today has been just one of those days. One where if I would have been able to predict who would call and what would happen, I would have pulled up the covers and stayed in bed.

It started with a call I got at 8:30 from Ava's Parents Day Out teacher. Started the day off wrong, I'll go into details about it in a minute.

I want to shout out to everyone that has been affected by Ike. We had massive winds here on Sunday as a result of the storm, and for us to suffer any damage this far away pales in comparison to what some people are facing. We came home to find several sections of shingles missing from our roof. With all the problems that we've had I'm all for ripping the damn thing off and replacing it with a permanent sun light.

We had our home inspection on the old house yesterday. Just as a precaution I went over to make sure none of the smoke detectors were beeping and the air filters were clean. I pulled up to find our one and only tree in the front yard totally snapped in half. Guess it's a good thing we already sold the house.

Ava's sleeping habits and attitude are pushing me closer to the edge insanity. I was pretty close before but lately she's been completely unmanageable. So unmanageable that when I "try" to discipline her she throws her hands on her ears and rolls her eyes. I'm being played like a fiddle.

Matthew's being a total ass. PMS in rare form. I actually went to the store and made dinner tonight, for him to come home, tell me he wasn't eating it and therefore will take care of himself now. He complains if I don't cook, complains if I do. I can't win.

I left my grocery list at home, drew a complete brain fart and forgot about half of what I needed. Most importantly dog food. Ava dropped her prized blankie at the check out line at Wal-Mart. I searched all over the damn place to realize it was the last place we actually were.

I desperately want a new layout to my blog, and found the best website where you can upload cute ones for free, and I'm a complete and total idiot and apparently cannot follow directions.

A friend of mine got some bad news from a MRI he had Friday. Has a mass on his temporal lobe. Not sure what that means but he has 3 kids. He's a total turd ball but I'm putting my feelings and animosities aside and hoping and praying for the best.

Gosh I'm really whiny today.

Going back to the call from her teacher. She started last Monday, so yesterday marked her second day. Not much time in my opinion to get a feel for how a child is really going to be. She cried last week when I dropped her off. Got the report when I got her that all was fine. Dropped her off screaming yesterday, they told me not to worry about it, they could handle it and all was fine. When I picked her up both teachers said she was fine, she had some moments but nothing to worry about. She called today to tell me that Ava was indeed very hard to comfort yesterday, that she cried alot, and they don't think she's ready to stay there from the scheduled time of 9 - 2. Nothing that any mother wants to hear. I was SHOCKED. This was coming from the same mouth that at the orientation 3 weeks ago said they would a.) call if a child could not be consoled, b.) would ask the parent what to do to console the child, c.) would recommend that even if the child wasn't happy, they could handle it and would not recommend changing things unless there was an extreme circumstance. She tried to make it seem like after 2 weeks...she could determine that this is how Ava was going to be. She went to this SAME Parents Day Out last year, and I had NO complaints about her. I loved her teacher and was devastated to learn that Ava wouldn't be in her class this year. I'm at a loss as to what to do. The teacher suggested that we try her from 9 - 12 next week. That does nothing for me. I'm going to be sitting, watching the clock, wondering what's going in that classroom. I understand their concern for what's going on there and if she's disrupting then we need to figure out what to do, but after only 2 times???? I would think that when you are dealing with 2 1/2 year olds no assumptions can be made that fast. She does have a tendency to cry SOMETIMES when I drop her off in unfamiliar situations, but never for more than 5 minutes and no one ever says anything about it. Even at the orientation I didn't get a real sense of compassion from this woman, and my feelings are pushing me stronger to take her out completely. I do not want to do it. I know there are going to be times as she gets older when I get phone calls about her behavior. There are going to be times when I don't like her teachers. But we have to deal with it. They are supposed to be trained to deal with these kids. This is good for Ava, and for me but if it's going to do her more harm in the long run I'll yank her out. I have no problem doing that. Maybe I'm overreacting, or maybe I'm just being a concerned parent, something I really haven't been forced to deal with yet.

I'll continue my pity party alone, maybe with a glass, or bottle, of wine.

SOLD!

Most of you all probably didn't realize that we didn't sell our old house when we moved last May. We kept it empty for a while and then let a friend stay there for 2 months while he was in the midst of a divorce. It officially went on the market in February, and as of today there is a contract on it, closing set for the first week in October...AND we even made a little money in the process. We are definately not going to miss paying that mortgage! Maybe I can now convince my husband to put in a pool...hmmm.

Isn't he supposed to roll out the red carpet for me???

Ugh, I'm home. Don't take it wrong, I'm damn happy to be here but for me the first days after a vacation are rough. I missed my husband, my dog, and my cat (in that order) tremendously, but lord have mercy I have been moving non stop since we got home at 3:30. I left the house clean, it's not. I left the laundry baskets perfectly empty. They are overflowing. I left the sink clean and the dishwasher empty. They both are full Cleaning lady is coming at 8 in the morning. House is not ready. I didn't expect it to be as perfect (HA) as I left it, but it's actually not as bad as I thought. I did laugh however because the comforter on our bed is turned completely sideways! It's striped so it's easy to tell, but I guess I gotta give the guy a little credit for at least attempting to make the bed.

My sweet little princess starts back at Parents Day Out in the morning so I had to make a trip to the store to make sure her picky food needs are met. Which normally would not be a problem but there's a kid in her class with a peanut allergy so therefore nothing peanut related can be sent. She went last year but according to the orientation that I attended just before we left, this year it's a whole new ball game. So....her bag for tomorrow is packed, her lunch is ready, her cute new first day outfit is laid out (I got it in Hilton Head so no need to wash), she's bathed and in bed (THANK GOD) and mom's about to collapse. I have about 8 (not kidding, see pic below) bags to unpack and put away, dishes to load, and laundry to do. And since my computer's been a piece of you know what for 5 days, I have 5 days of pics, emails, and blogs to catch up on.

Even though no one probably really cares about the rest of my vacation, I'm going to write about it. Soon. Because there were some really good, funny, sad, and happy times and even if no one else wants to read about it, I want to make sure I can remember what I can. This is the vacation spot where I grew up, and I want to be able to share this with Ava some day.

We pack light, no?? I have an SUV, so trunk space is pretty large...ridiculous really. And that's only the back part.

Hunkering Down

Just got word from the rental office here that pretty much everything is shutting down here at 5 in order to let people get home. By 7 we should be rocking. It's still a Tropical Storm but is expected to hit Category 1 strength by the time it hits land. At this time they are predicting the center of the storm to hit about 60 miles north, but it's shifting west so we might be in for a bumpy night. We have plenty of food, water, a flashlight and even some candles that the rental office handed us and I don't feel at this time that we are in any immediate danger. With 2 kids, if I thought we were, we would have left already. My best friend's family (Andrea who is with me) used to own a condo where were staying and it survived Hugo back years ago so I definitely feel safe. We are sitting here out on the porch, watching the trees sway and admiring the white caps on the water, and in a way, this sort of excites me. I've never been part of something like this.

I'll try to post more tomorrow...will update the rest of the days from the trip either tomorrow from our hotel on the road, or at home.

If there is anyone else out there that reads this that are in the affected areas, I hope you are able to stay safe too.

Here

Been trying to download and update for over a day, and for some reason my computer does not want to cooperate as in when I download it tells me it is going to take 49,000 days to to id. I have many cute pics and some awesome videos but will probably have to postpone until I can get to a place that has real Internet connection.

The storm is now due to hit just north of us, so the worst that we might get is rain and wind, we haven't changed our plans and are due to leave Saturday morning. Tear. It has been wonderful and relaxing but also very exhausting dealing with these 2 little ones. I have had a great time but am also ready to get home and back to a sense of normalcy.

Will update when I can.

Beach Trip: Day 3 (Monday)

Today was the first day that we actually ventured to the beach. I honestly was a bit anxious as I wasn't sure exactly how Ava would react. She hates to have dirty feet and water splashed in her face, and unfortunately those two things go hand in hand at the beach. Thankfully we are at a part of the island that doesn't usually get much wave activity, the clarity of the water sucks but at least it's water. There were a few waves however and there actually was a bit of an undertow so we had to be a bit careful, but thankfully all went well and she's been asking to go back ever since.

There might have been a few beers involved

And there were some times where she was pissed after getting knocked down.

You would think that all that we are doing to wear them out would make them crash at naptime but NOOO. They haven't napped since we got here so right now we are dealing with two very tired and cranky moms. So what better to do than to snap pics of ourselves doing what we do best.

We walked down to the dock where they were having food and music by the water where we ate, drank and the kids danced until they wore themselves out.

Can someone PLEASE tell me how I ended up with a kid with super blonde hair and blue eyes?? I can't tell you how many people have asked A if both kids were hers. Gee people, thanks.

The postive here is that both kids were in bed asleep by 9. That's good enough for me.

**On a total side note, we should know by lunch time tomorrow if there is going to be a mandatory evacuation for the storm. We have decided that unless we have to leave, we are planning on staying. We are supposed to leave Sat. morning anyways, so if we can ride it out we will. If not, we are prepared and have rooms inland waiting for us.

Reflections, beach style

2 years ago in this very same spot two little ones took their very first vacation together.




Last night, they proved that they are, like their mommies, the best of friends. Quality is horrible, but hopefully you can see enough to get the idea. He literally took her hand and started dancing with her.

Beach Trip: Day 2 (Sunday)

As I'm sitting here , we are watching 2 dolphins frolic in the harbor behind me. Truly a fun and amazing sight. We are also keeping a close eye on what is now Hurricane Hanna as it's predicted that it might hit our area later in the week. Keep your fingers crossed that we are able to avoid this storm, but in the case that it does hit we have already booked rooms inland if we have to evacuate.

Moving on. Yesterday was pretty lazy. We got up and ran to get some last minute things that we needed, and promptly headed straight to the pool. It wasn't a long trip because we had to be back to watch UK beat the crap out of Louisville.

Nothing like a little pool and some sun, not too bad a view eh?

It took the kids FOREVER to nap yesterday, I think it was 5 before they went down and 7 before we could get them up, so we just went to the Sal.ty D.og restaurant right by the condo and hung out while the kids danced, and danced, and danced. If you ever go there, I highly recommend the BBQ shrimp. WOW, so good.

With it being Labor Day, I think we will plan on heading on over there again tonight. It's close, we can walk, there's music, food, and beverages...not sure that we can ask for anything more.

Boring post I know, more pics tomorrow!

Beach Trip: Day 1 (Saturday)

Computer problem fixed, apparently I needed a new memory card and what's on my old one will have to be taken off when I get home.

We woke up yesterday morning, unfortunately earlier than we wanted but when you have two adults and two, 2 year olds in a room that's sort of hard to do. We got on the road about 10 and all things went pretty good until we literally saw two dogs, in the middle of the median of the highway, having um, relations. Guess I can't blame them as traffic was at a standstill due to a major accident and apparently they were just trying to make the best of a bad situation. I'm now pissed that I wasn't smart enough to get my phone out and take a picture because it was classic, and something I'm sure to never see again.

Right about 3, we rolled over the bridge to this...(of course it was low tide and therefore not the most pleasant of smells but we could have cared less, there was sand, water, and we were happy)




And the kids were sooo excited to FINALLY be here.





We on the other hand, STOKED...yes I look horrible.



Too many dollars at the store, more food than we will ever need...





but with these waiting for us, it's all worth it.




**Disclaimer. No children will be neglected or harmed on this trip. Just two adult women who need and deserve to have a good time.

Mad!!

We're here in our hotel, halfway to our final destination. Overall so far the first day was okay. The kiddos slept for about 2 1/2 which was grand, but now it's 11:30 and they are WIDE AWAKE. Bouncing on the beds, running around...you get the idea. I'm just happy that they are playing so well together as they always do but I'm sure that will eventually change. I'm sitting here trying to download pics from the day and my memory card is BAD and it won't download. So I'm probably going to breakdown and buy a new one on the way tomorrow...had some really cute ones so hopefully I can still get them on here.

Until tomorrow!

Hodge Podge

This is a quick one, as I'm frantically trying to get my shit in order because I AM LEAVING FOR THE BEACH TOMORROW!! Did I say that out loud, because I can't remember a time when I have been so excited. It's just me, Ava, my best friend and her little boy who is 2 months older than Ava. We are leaving the men at home and having what we are calling our "last hurrah" before major changes take place. For her it's the change to a gluten free lifestyle, for me it looks like I'm going to be eating cardboard and sawdust for a while (as I sit here and finish off my cheese fries, good start so far).

I went to a new family Dr. last week just for a check up and blood work, and this was written on my report that I received yesterday "your cholesterol is dangerously high, we need to discuss treatment ASAP." So I went back in today and we agreed for me to TRY a low fat, low cholesterol diet with lots of exercise and will re-evaluate in 2 months, but he also told me with the levels that I have it looks like even if I can lower them, it will only be a band aid affect and therefore won't be effective in the long run. I'm a little overweight, but I don't eat THAT unhealthy and we both agree that since both my parents have a history of heart disease this appears to be something genetic. I'm thankful that I've been able to get enough medical history from my birth parents because that is going to be a big help as we determing my next plan of action.

I went to orientation for Ava's Parent's Day Out tonight, and because she went last year, I was expecting things to be the same. Not at all. This year she is in an older class, they do not nap, they gear their day more towards a pre-school type attitude, and there are 12 kids in a class instead of 8. Just another thing to make me realize just how quickly she is growing up.

And the last random thought, guess who decided to show up today after being absent for 4 1/2 months. Aunt Flow. Seriously??? Could it have come at a worse time??? I think not.

I'm going to try to post every day. Did you see that?? I said EVERY DAY while I am at the beach, but of course that depends on whether or not we can steal Internet from someone. I am hoping to come home totally refreshed, and in a sense, ready to start over

First Haircut

I've waited as long as I could to cut my precious girl's hair. We went to Coo.kie Cut.ters because I knew that they would be able to distract her, or attempt to distract her with a movie as long as possible. The picture quality is horrible because I had to use my cell phone camera, and I had to resize them really small to get them to load, but hopefully you get the idea.

Here she is as they were getting started:

Still not sure what's going on:

You can't tell here but she really didn't like the smock, even though we kept telling her it was a pretty dress. She eventually won and pulled it off.

Final product and an official certificate of her "bravery" as they call it. I'm shedding a tear now as I look at her first lock of hair...

Update on my pal...

Meant to write earlier but things around here have been beyond nutty.

My friends procedure went well last week. They went in thinking she was only getting a colonoscopy but because of the inability to hold down food they also did an endoscopy. She's a hoot but seeing her come out of sedation exceeded my expectations! Upon initial examination he said things looked good. Nothing of concern in the colon, but he diagnosed her with Ga.stritis in the stomach. He took biopsies of everything, hooked her up with a prescription for the stomach problems and we left.

Today she got the call that she has a severe form of the Ga.stritis and Ce.liac Disease. She now has to go Gluten Free...which in her diet makes up about 80% of what she eats...so she's pissed off and I can't even go and offer her a beer for condolences.

Anyhoo thought I'd update. I'm off to attempt to play tennis (am currently in the process of drinking a beer as it seems to make it a tad more appealing to go). Hopefully my tennis skirt from last year's go with this still fits...doubtful but one can hope.

Thanks for all the good thoughts on her...now she's really going to be skinny enough for me throw her to the other side of the beach!

3 in 2 days...what is wrong with me?

This is a serious one, and not one for people with weak stomachs. I'm again asking for more prayers to come my way. I'm taking my best friend for an emergency colonoscopy in the morning. This girl has been my best friend since we were 6 and I am really worried that there is something terribly wrong with her.

3 months ago she started suffering from what they thought were symptoms of I.BS (irrita.ble .bowel syndrome). She has been under tremendous amounts of stress for some time now, and we all thought it had finally caught up with her. She's about to go through a nasty, nasty divorce, she has 3 children, and together, they have gone through significant financial troubles. The poop problems that I had from my virus a few weeks ago pale in comparison to what she faces (poop wise) in a single given day. She's not a big girl by any standards and she's lost a significant amount of weight. I tease her and tell her that when we go to the beach she's going to have to sit a good 100 yards from me, but it's not a laughing matter anymore. Just last week she started vomiting everything that she ate. She doesn't feel bad, she doesn't even have any warning when it happens. She can be there talking to you and she will lean over and puke. She says she doesn't even feel nauseaus, it just literally happens. Sometimes it's immediately after, sometimes it's hours. Her deck and driveway look like the parking lot of a fraternity party.

She was scheduled to have on in September, but with these latest developments they are fitting her in for an emergency procedure. She has a family history of colon cancer and other colon related diseases, so we are praying that this really is just stress related. Either way I hope that they can quickly get her an answer and get her on the road to recovery.

This girl is like my sister, in fact even though I think we look NOTHING alike, we have been told on many occassions that we must be sisters. We act ridiculously childish and stupid together, often gathering looks from people who must think that we are crazy. I watched her first born come into the world, she watched mine. That in itself carries a very significant bond. She has not always had an easy time with things in her life, but with everything that she has gone through she remains the most positive person that I know. Just a few months ago she fell down her stairs and broke both of her feet. She is just the poster child for bad luck.

Thinking happy thoughts for you A...

Umm..

This "popped" up in my mulch today and it just sort of made me giggle...apparently these days it doesn't take much.

He's getting old!

Today's Matthew's birthday. I probably shouldn't post how old he is but I'm gonna anyway because I like to rub it in. He's one away from the big 4-0 so this time next year I'll be planning a killer bash.

Here is Ava singing Happy Birthday to him on the phone this morning, she got super bashful and quiet and she did better in person but it's too cute not to post. And yes I sound like a retard. I HATE my voice.

Happy Birthday baby!

Disturbed

I came across this photo tonight while bored on the net...and unless she's just a total freak of nature (which just might happen to one married to T.om C.ruise), there is no way that this belly is legit. It supposedly was taken in April 2006 right before she had Su.ri but come one, that is foolin nobody. I'd give anything to take a peek at the pillow/belly under that shirt.

If you DID look like this when you were 9 months pregnant, I will pay you paparazzi money for the excusive rights to your pics.

Bullet briefs...

Just hopping on here to do a quick post. My parents have Ava tonight, so I am going to take full advantage, get some wine (or beer) pop in a movie and hit the bed early.

• Last weeks sickness was in a nutshell my own personal hell. I sucked it up on Tuesday and went to the Doctor. No great revelations, I was told it was either a virus or some type of food poisoning which I already knew but dammit I wanted drugs. And what did she give me? Phen.ergen. I already have a lifetime supply of that. You can buy it on the internet cheaper than you can get it with insurance. Through some rather unpleasant tests they ruled out food poisoning. It was definitely a virus, and of course I was told to treat it symptomatically and wait it out. I don't want to get into the gross details of it all but it took me an entire week and 7 pounds later before I started feeling better. I still don't have much of an appetite, but at least now I can actually look at food without feeling like I'm gonna barf.
• That Jimmy Buffet concert that I had been looking to for months???? Didn't go. IToo sick to go and I'm still pissed about it.
• I have yet to get my period which I think is strange 6 weeks past D&C and a full month of BC later. No I am not pregnant. I've tested, negative, and I'm relieved.
• I leave for vacation 5 weeks from tomorrow with Ava, my best friend and her 2 year old. I cannot be more excited. I need to get the hell out of here. I'll miss the hubbs but I need my girl time too.
• Having someone else clean my house is totally worth sacrificing money I would have spent elsewhere.
• I got addicted to Legally Blonde The Musical: The Seach for Elle Woods on MTV. I am ashamed to admit it. I am also ashamed to admit my other summer TV addictions.
• My husband hasn't realized that fixing household items is not his forte'. Many of you remember when he fell through the ceiling in the bedroom a few months back. Well he got back home Saturday afternoon after being on a plane all night from Brazil, and right away he decided it was a good idea to have a few beers and then replace all of the flood lights around the outside of our house. They have been burnt out for over a year so one more day wouldn't have been a big deal. As he went to change the last one he knocked against a wasp nest, and instead of taking it like a man and risk the chance of a sting, he jumped off a 6 foot ladder. And therefore here is where we spent part of our Saturday night...doesn't he look happy to see me?

• Nothing broken thankfully, just a sprain and some ligament damage, but nevertheless he's doped up on Vico.din, has to use crutches and to top it off he now has a nasty sinus infection. To say he's been pleasant to be around would be the understatement of the year.
• A very good friend of mine has been talking/texting a very famous boy bander for a few months, and she told me today that he called her last night inviting her to come to LA this weekend for a private CD screening, and then she's staying at his house. I'm not going to put it out on the blog, but if curiosity gets the best of you...leave me your email in the comment section (if I don't already have it) and I'll spill it.

Sick

I actually wanted to talk/bitch about the sleeping problems that Ava has had lately, but that's going to have to wait because moi? Sick. The achy, feverish, gastrointestinal kind, and to say that I've enjoyed it would be a gross understatement. It sort of started last night after dinner at one of my favorite restaurants, I chalked it up to nerves and anxiety as Matthew was on a plane to Brazil and wasn't due in until after 1:00 AM. Then this morning I just felt off. I was up bright and early because I needed to get the mutt to the kennel so I could anxiously await my new cleaning lady's arrival! Ironic how I planned for her to come while Matthew was out of town don't ya think? Anyhoo, I had already made plans for my mom to get Ava because I knew if she didn't, she would be all up in cleaning lady's way. So while my upstairs was becoming spotless, I was holed up in the basement on the couch and I didn't leave it until cleaning lady left at 4, and then I resorted to the bed where I've been every since. I'm desperately waiting on someone to bring me soup, water and Sprite, but as of about 30 minutes ago the little one started vomiting too. I'm totally heartbroken that she's not with me and she feels like crap, but with Matthew gone I've been told by my mom to stay put. For once I don't care that there isn't someone here to take care of me, I just wish I was the one holding her instead of her grandma.

The good news about all of this is that my house looks amazing...cleaning lady has been hired to come every 4 weeks. I was also really planning on starting my diet today, and because I haven't put anything in my body that didn't taste like cardboard, I should be well on my way to that first week goal of 4 pounds.

The bad? This shit (pardon the expression) better vacate it's premises in time for Buffet on Thursday. The really bad? I don't have a babysitter as all of my sitters are going to the concert with me...must work on mother in law pronto.

Happy 4th...

I hope everyone has a safe and Happy 4th of July....we might just get crazy and drink some beer 'round these parts.

Well I WAS doing okay...

That was until today. Oh hi, I'm back! I had my follow up from my D&C today, it was supposed to be last week but I called and changed it. I had big weekend plans and I knew I would be thinking about the results of the genetic testing so I waited until today. I'm not sure I made the right decision. From the moment I walked into the Dr's office it was not like most of my visits. The receptionist called me by my first name before I even signed in (which they NEVER do), and then they proceeded to tell me that he "neglected" to inform them that he had an emergency C-Section. I wasn't sure that emergency sections were "planned" but whatever. I sat down, enjoyed the quiet time by myself, and hoped that the woman and baby he was operating on was okay. I've never waited more than a half an hour when I've been there, and it was probably only 5 minutes after sitting there that I heard him enter the back of the office. The other doctor wasn't in today so I knew it had to be mine. I was promptly called back by the nurse, who for the first time showed a cold side to me. No chit chat, not even normal questions. All she said asked me was if I had anything in particular I wanted to talk to him about, and what medications I had been taking. I was taken aback by that one as she's never asked me that, but I'm thinking that because the scaled showed a 7 pound weight gain since I was last there three weeks ago I MUST be taking something. I really haven't gained 7 pounds. I've weighed myself every day since and even after eating all day I didn't weigh that much more. If I haven't told you already, I don't understand why doctors offices STILL use the metal slide scales. I think I should introduce them to Mr. Digital. I mean a few ounces can be the deal breaker on a pound.

Anyway, new paragraph, moving on. By the time he finally came in about 30 minutes later, I had the lovely pleasure of hearing at least one strong fetal heartbeat in the room next door, which really was enough to send me running, but since I was half naked from the waist down I figured that might not be the best idea. I could tell that he wasn't himself. Not that I "know" him, but I've been in there enough and have had enough conversations to feel comfortable on more than just a patient level. Everything was cut and dry, he was very much the "Dr." this time. One thing that shocked me was that I had to ask him for the test results. He didn't have them. He said he had thought about them, but that doesn't mean much to me. I wanted to walk in there and know why I lost this baby. Either my body failed me, or something was wrong and I wanted to know. I didn't get that answer. Instead I got the question of whether or not I wanted more prenatal vitamins and go after baby # whatever it is now, or contraception. I was told before my D&C three weeks ago that I should take a break. My body and my mind needed time to heal. It just seemed like something wasn't right. Then it was time for the exam, and all went well, almost. I was due for the annual cervix swab and he even mentioned it until I heard his nurse and him whisper back and forth that my insurance won't cover it. WTF!!! I have good insurance, and this is what I would consider preventative care so why in the hell was I not allowed to have one??? Mind you, I don't personally enjoy having that part of my body probed but I'm pretty sure I would like to know that all is still well and healthy down there. I never got an answer on that either. He told me that he would get the results, call me later and sent me out with a bag full of birth control samples as if nothing in the past 9 months had happened. If that were my first visit to the doctor I would not see him again. I am wondering what happened in that STAT C-Section. Was he just having a bad day, or did something bad happen. You never know. Yes they are doctors and unfortunately they do see the bad sides to pregnancy, but I wonder how if/when a doctor loses a baby during deliver they are able to go on about their day as if nothing happened. I'm not saying that happened...it just makes you wonder.

Anyhoo I picked up Ava and went to the store, and apparently sometime while I was there he called and I missed it. Again, it just wasn't like him on the voicemail. First off, I am SURPRISED that he left the results of the test on a voicemail. Normally he would call and either have me call him or he would call me back later. Results were that baby did have an abnormal karyotype, which he called the most common abnormality in miscarried fetuses. Does that make me feel any better? I don't know. I still don't know iwhether I would rather have a miscarraige because there was something wrong with the baby, or something wrong with my body. My first twin had a chromosome abnormality, and now having two makes things scary. Even if what happened to the last baby was "common" it doesn't help things. From what I understand it was missing an additional sex karyotype, but most babies with this are genotypically female. If you are counting, that's not only 3 babies that I have lost, but 3 girls. The 1% with this abnormality survive but will not reach puberty, and therefore will not be able to have children. What worries/bothers me the most is my first twin had something called Turner Syndrome which only affects females, and has similar characteristics. He says I'm reading too much into it, that because we have healthy children (his son, and of course Ava) we shouldn't worry. And I want to believe him, but it's hard not to. I'm going to a perinatal loss meeting tomorrow that deals with recurrent miscarriages and I'm hoping someone else has some light to shed on this. In the meantime, the baby factory has closed, and I'm not sure when/if it will open again.

Right now I just want some time to get my life and my sex life back, and not be consumed with getting/staying pregnant. It might happen again, and it might not. The bottom line is I have alot to be thankful for already.

Not much to say

Thanks to everyone who sent comments over the weekend. Baby measured right at 9 weeks, but after 2 ultrasounds it was determined that it didn't have a heartbeat. My D&C is scheduled for Tuesday morning and I've decided to have genetic testing done just in case. I don't have words to describe how I'm feeling. I'm totally broken. I cannot believe this has happened to me again.

I'm taking an indefinite break. And I might take a break from reading/commenting as I just don't have the energy to handle things right now. I need to focus all of my energy on being the best parent I can to Ava. Reality is sinking is that she might just be the only child we ever have. I've had 2 pregnancies/2 losses in less than 7 months and I need to give my body and my mind time to heal, and even then I'm not sure I'll be ready to do it again.

Thanks to everyone who's been praying for us during all of this.

More, more, more

More questions, more questions!

Chas asked if Ava had been a boy, what was his name to be? Why did you choose it? Also, any names in mind for this new baby?

For boy names we had it narrowed to Owen. Matthew liked the name Wyatt but for a few years now (and still today) I have had a dream where I had a little boy named Owen. I'm not sure where it came from, as I don't have any family members by that name nor do I know anyone. It stuck with me and to this day I still love that name. Ava's name actually came to us pretty easy. I remember early in my pregnancy reading about how Mar.tina Mc.Bride had named her third child Ava Rose and I just LOVED it. We've always known that our first girl would have Rose as her middle name. It's my middle name and it's my grandmother's name, and I just thought Ava Rose really fit together. We were also sort of toying around with Olivia, and the final decision wasn't actually made until I was in the delivery room, but I think we always knew that was what it was going to be. As for new baby...I think we both hesitate to even think about it right now. Obviously the last time we named a child the result wasn't what we wanted, so I think we will really settle and talk about it once we get past the 20 week ultrasound...which seems SO long away!!

If anyone thinks of anything else, keep them coming!

A few random things. I'm FINALLY going to see Sex a.nd the C.ity tonight. I was supposed to go Friday but when my friends told me they were going to the 10:40 showing, I politely bailed as that's way past my bedtime!

I go back to the Dr. on Friday, so think good thoughts. Obviously I'm hoping the pregnancy is still there (no doubts in my mind that it's not), but mostly I'm hoping I'm 9 weeks where I think I am as opposed to a week or so behind. Another week added to this trimester would seem like an eternity. I'll post as soon as I can...

You asked, I answer

So naturally I'm about 2 weeks late on this, but here goes:

Lisanne asked me:

1. First why my font was so tiny? To be honest I don't know! Something happened to my original template and I haven't had time to go back and find a new one that I like...but I promise I will or I will send you up some reading glasses! He He
2. When you're feeling anxious, stressed out, worried, etc., what helps you relax, unwind, and calm down? When I can I do take baths, but it's rare so alot of times I'll just pop in a movie that I know will make me laugh, and drink a glass of wine (when I'm not pregnant of course)
3. Where did you go to college? And what did you study? What was your first job out of college? I started at Western Kentucky University in Bowling Green where I studied Elementary Education. After 2 years I transferred back home to the University of Kentucky and was the director of an After School Program at a Day Care and quickly learned that teaching was NOT for me. I ended up changing my major to Hospitality Management and after 6 LONG years in college I finally graduated in 2000. Right out of college I interviewed to be a Flight Attendant, basically it was my way of prolonging getting a job as long as possible. After several rounds of interviews, and learning more than I needed to about how crappy the first couple years can be, I decided against it and took a job at a company called All.tech as an Event Coordinator. I loved it, but left after 3 years for personal reasons which I will describe later.
4. If I had an entire afternoon to myself, what would I do? Well thanks to the help of my wonderful parents, I actually get these quite often. I take the "day off" so I can get my house cleaned and laundry done but I usually end up curling up on the couch and watching movies. I could watch movies all day long.

Connie asked:

1. How did you & Matthew meet & was it "love at first sight"? This is is sort of a continuation of Lisanne's question. Matthew and I met at our company Christmas party in 2001, and ironically neither of us was supposed to even be there that night. He got back from a business trip a day early, and I was supposed to be out of town but my trip got cancelled. He and I worked in different departments, different buildings and while I had heard his name, I had no idea who he was until that night. I definitely wouldn't call it love at first sight :-) But let me just say that a group of people went out afterwards to a bar, there was some drinking involved, he was paying loads of attention to me, and I of course fell for it. I actually was sort of dating someone else at the time, and I attempted to "use" Matthew to make the other guy jealous, however I ended up realizing that I had much stronger feelings for Matthew and the other guy was history. It took me a long time to really get that relationship with him because we had hurdles to overcome, mainly the fact that he had been married before and he had a son. It was hard to penetrate that wall that he had because he had been hurt really bad before and was trying to make sure I was "worth it" before going down that road again. When we finally made the decision, one of us had to leave the company in order for the relationship to advance further. I made it easy and quit. He had been there 9 years and it made no sense for me to stay. It was time for me to move on anyways.
2. What is your most favorite aspect of motherhood? Gosh so many things, but mainly just seeing this little product of us running around. Nobody could have prepared me for the love that I have for that little girl. She cracks me up and continues to amaze me each day.

AFF asked:

1. When you were little, what did you think you'd be when you grew up? How many dates did it take for you to figure out Matthew was the one? Did you know before the ultrasound Ava would be a girl? When I was little, I was convinced I was going to be a lawyer. I'm not sure why, I never was good at arguing and I usually lost the battles, but I guess since my father was a lawyer and then a judge I wanted to try and follow in his footsteps. But really it just depended on what day it was. I remember a time when I wold change my mind daily, but the lawyer one definitely sticks out. Second question, I'm not really sure how long it took for me to know he was the one. I think I hesitated to think that to myself because early on in our relationship he used to tell me that he would never get married again, so I probably put up a wall of thinking that just in case. It took him over a year to tell me that he loved me, but it was pretty clear at that point that he was it! As for the ultrasound, I honestly thought she was going to be a boy. I'm thinking I might have had some boy dreams but all of the "old wives tales" pointed to girl so I'm not sure where my boy thinking came from. We actually weren't even 100% sure she was a girl because they couldn't get her to spread her legs, but I guess it's a good thing she was since we got greedy and bought lots of pink stuff.

Jen was dying to know the following:

1. What are your favorites: color, flower, band/singer, movie, tv show Favorite color is pink, favorite flower is peonies...love the way they smell, favorite band/singer is a tough one. Of all time probably Journey or George Strait, current fave might be Carrie Underwood. I really go through phases depending on what time of the year it is, but I can actually sit and listen to her whole CD without flipping through songs. I'm really in the country phase right now.
2. Are you a jeans n tee type of girl? Or are you the dressier type? Honestly I'm more of a sweats and tee type of girl. I do like dressing up because it actually makes me feel like an adult other than just a mommy with food on my shirt, but when I get home I can't wait to throw the sweats and tee back on.
3. What turns you on about Matthew the most? The way he is as a father, and the way he works so hard so that I can stay home and raise Ava. I think that's one thing that really drew me to him when we were dating. It was hard for me to cope with the fact that he had a son, but seeing him as a father already made me realize how great he would be if we ever had children of our own.
4. What was your favorite cartoon as a kid? Favorite toy? Do you remember that show "Jabberjaw?" I remember coming home from church and going straight for the TV to watch it. Weird now that I think about it, but I did love it. Favorite toy would have to be anything Barbie. I had them all, and all of the accessories to go along with it.
5. What do you enjoy about being pregnant? That's a hard one since I'm not technically enjoying it right now! But the thing that I loved most about my pregnancy with Ava was the movement, and getting to know her personality before anyone else could. I knew way back then she was going to be a laid back baby and she was. I really was sad the day she was born because she no longer belonged to just me. As moms we have such amazing bonds with these little humans, and it's hard to share! I'm really trying to enjoy every moment this time, because this one is our last. :-( Boo hoo.
6. What is your favorite thing about Ava? So many things! I love the way she laughs, I love how she sometimes walks around with her eyes closed and laughs when she bumps into stuff, I love how she gets excited when she sees her daddy's car pull up in the driveway, I love it when she tells me that she loves me...even thought I'm pretty sure she doesn't know what it means, I love the way she giggles and squeals at the dog when he barks at her, I love that her favorite outfit usually includes no clothes but always shoes, and I love the fact that her favorite phrase right now is "Ava's stinkin cute," but mostly I just love it that she's mine.
7. Is she more like you, or her Daddy? This one is easy. She looks just like him and is stubborn and dramatic just like me!

Is that all you ever wanted to know and more???

Here with a Vengence

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday. Mine you ask?? Spent gracefully on the couch. That way I can continuously pop in DVD after DVD to entertain my child, yet I'm close enough to the bathroom. I'm no longer thinking about the negatives of Friday's appointment, because if the past 3 days are any indication, all is more than well in my uterus. It started last week, but since Saturday it's been here in full force. It all started with my ill choice of Chinese food for lunch. I can't tell you how many times I've told my husband that no matter how much I beg for it when I'm pregnant, DON'T BRING IT HOME. It does not sit well with me ever, period. So after lunch I proceeded to head to the movies and dinner with some friends. There was a span of about 7 hours where I didn't eat, the $6.00 tub of popcorn at the movies didn't count. By the time we finally ate it was well after 7:00 and I was done. As my one friend told me I went from fine to green in about 2 seconds. Not sure that I'll be craving Mexican food any time soon as it's been downhill since then. I'm now waking up sick in the middle of the night, something I remember doing with both Ava's pregnancy and the twin one. So in my mind?? Right on track.

My hormones are out of control, my husband is pissing me off, I'm crying at movies that aren't supposed to be sad, and I'm being hard on my toddler for things she can't control. I'm just sort of at the end of my rope. I don't handle it well when I'm sick and as I'm laying here on the couch she's jumping repeatedly beside me and doing belly flops on my stomach. She's trying to play and I'm getting on her for doing it. For once I just want to be the one that sleeps in on a Saturday, and then is able to take a leisurely nap in the fternoon but I don't see that happening any time soon.

Enough of that, as crappy as I feel, I'm sort of thankful that I don't feel good as we all know that is usually a good sign. I'm planning on calling my Dr. to get him to call me something in. I personally can't function like this. I'm the whiniest sick person, and even though I wanted to keep pills to a minimum this time, I feel that it's a necessary thing to get me through the next few weeks. I have things to do and places to go and I can't live my life on the couch. Ava doesn't deserve that.

Now would someone please just tell me to shut up and quit bitching...

Another hill in the rollercoaster that is my life...

I'm seriously to the point where I'm not sure if the ride will ever end.

The bottom line of the Dr. appointment goes something like this...yolk sac clear and visible, no baby in sight, come back for follow up Ultrasound in 2 weeks. According to my calculations I'm 7 weeks and 4 days, but according to them they should be able to see the baby by now. My last two pregnancies it was plain as day. So, either I have a baby that is very good at hiding, I had a really weird/long cycle and maybe ovulated at a weird time, or the baby stopped growing and isn't viable. When you are this early in a pregnancy a matter of days can mean alot on the ultrasound. He's optimistic that there is the yolk sac, and for a split second at the beginning I heard him say "that's what we're looking for," yet it was never to be seen again. Having to wait two weeks is going to be another nightmare. All I have done is wait, and here we go again.

I've spent hours this afternoon with Dr. Google, and he has been both my best friend today and my worst enemy. Bottom line is I KNOW (well according to my $150 Clear Blue Easy fertility monitor) when I ovulated and when it happened, and I suppose that I could have had a long cycle. My system hasn't been completely normal since I lost the last pregnancy. I had a couple 28 day ones, but I also had one that was 32 days. This time I tested on the morning of day 26, and again that night and the first test was non-existent and the second one clear as day. I know that those can detect hormones at least 5 days before a missed period, I'm thinking that maybe this was a long cycle month, which would have at least set me back a few days. I'm probably over rationalizing, and I know many people who thought they were a week ahead of where they were at this point and everything was fine, but with everything I've already been through, it's hard to be optimistic. I'd like to think that if he was that concerned then I wouldn't be waiting two weeks to go back, but then my negative side thinks maybe he's already expecting the worst and by then maybe I will be back in his office to confirm the end.

He did seem positive that I was still having symptoms, but wouldn't you know that even though I felt like crap this morning, I feel OK now. I'm praying for the sickness to come back...god I never thought I would say that.

**Ok so I just gagged while feeding the dog, yeah his food smells but that doesn't usually happen. Don't know if that's good or bad**