Wednesday, September 24, 2008

One year

It was one year ago today that my life as a mother changed forever. This day last year I learned that I would not be bringing two babies home, and the life of the remaining baby was hanging in the balance.

Words still cannot describe the pain I felt that day, but there was still hope that I would be bringing home one healthy baby.

Little did I know.

The memories of my pregnancy are fading, but the pain I feel over that loss is always there. I don't cry about it anymore, but I think about them and say a prayer every single day. The what if's can be overwhelming at times, but I've proven to myself that even though nothing will ever be the same again, I can and have moved on. That experience has forever changed who I am as a person, and who I am as a mother. I have more dead children than I do living ones. No one should ever have to write that.

12 comments:

Jen said...

First of all, I wish that I could give you a big ol' hug. Second, I cannot get over that it has been a whole year. That is NUTS.

Lastly, you are right, no mom should ever have to write that. It was heartbreaking for me to read...

((hugs))

Anglophile Football Fanatic said...

I can't believe it's been a year. I want to reach out and give you a huge hug. Your last statement is right on - and I cannot imagine what it took for you to write that.

Eriness said...

My heart is breaking for you and I hope that one day it won't hurt so much for you.

Jesser said...

I'm so very sorry you have this hurt.

Midwest Texan said...

that last statement gave me goosebumps. And then I saw the picture of Ava on the bench with all the empty space around her and that just broke my heart for you. I believe that is a loss that you never get past.

Christy said...

Your last sentence gave me goosebumps too. I am so sorry friend.

Anth said...

I am so sorry. I still pray for you, just so you know. *hug*

niobe said...

Your last few sentences are absolutely haunting. And heartbreaking.

TEACHBROECK said...

I am so proud of you for sharing that. Your words hang with sorrow, but are still beautful.

emmakirstensjournal said...

I'm so sorry becca. I too still pray for you and your family. I can't believe it's been a year already.

Jaimie said...

How are you doing? It has been awhile since we have heard from you. I keep thinking of you. I took care of a woman last week that had a situation too similar to yours. I can't imagine the pain, the loss and saddness

Emma in Canada said...

The first time I read you was a year ago when Chas asked people to send prayers your way. My heart broke for you then, and it still does now.