Sunday, September 30, 2007

The Rest of the Story

What, you thought that was it?? So did I, but apparently my body had/has other plans for me. But before I get to it, I just want to thank everyone for the comments and emails last week. This has been a very tough time for my family and I, and I sincerely appreciate each and every one of you. I'm not usually a sappy person but I was brought to tears several times. I needed it.

Moving on, just so you have been warned, this part gets a tad graphic, if you are the slightest faint of heart you might want to skip this post all together. It's super long and detailed, but it's what happened, and even though I want to put it at the back of my mind, I never want to forget what happened.

So obviously Tuesday was rough, Wednesday was a little better emotionally and then Thursday I woke up with a sense of calm. I just felt better about the situation,and I started to realize that this did happen for a reason, whatever reason that is I'll never know but it happened and I was dealing with it. We knew we were lucky to still have one very special baby. Fast forward to late Thursday night. I still had the bleeding on and off, and I wasn't worried because both Doctors told me that would probably happen for a while. What they didn't prepare me for was what happened next. I woke up at about 3 AM to some mild cramping. Again I wasn't worried as this was something to be expected. Then the cramping got worse, then I noticed a pattern. This wasn't cramping I was having full blown contractions. Not the kind that you generally experience during a full term labor, but they were there, coming every 4 minutes or so and lasting about 30 seconds. I knew I should have called the doctor at that point, but I also kept thinking that if I just laid on my side and drank some water they might go away. They finally did and about 6:00 AM I was able to get comfortable enough to go back to sleep. Somehow my husband slept through this. I woke him up a time or two, but being the man he is he turned right over and went back to sleep.

When I got up again I noticed I had to go to the bathroom (surprise) and this is when it happened. I peed and felt something strange come out, I thought it was some sort of clot, but when I realized that it was not in the toilet but still attached to my body, I knew, I just knew. My baby, my sweet baby was hanging there between my legs. I did not know what to do, I wanted to scream, I wanted to throw up, I wanted to get the scissors and cut it away but I quickly got my senses and yelled for my husband. I told him what I thought had happened, he didn't believe me and I gradually got the courage up to let him take a look. It was indeed our baby. At this point I could only hope it was the one that had already passed away. By looking at it I knew it had to be. I paged my Dr. (thankfully he gave me his pager number earlier because the office was not open yet and I had no way of getting in touch with him, and I really didn't feel like dealing with the on call Dr. at 8:15 in the morning.) and I had to sit there until he called back. I had no idea what to do. He called back about 5 minutes later and wanted us to come to his office right away, but I could tell that he had no idea what to say to me. At this point I had no idea how were going to do this. So I put on a hefty pad, laid a washcloth in my underwear and gently placed the baby in a place where I would not sit on it. I had to touch it, and I can't even describe it. I don't want to. I don't want to think about that very moment ever again, but I know I will because it is forever etched into my mind. It was the most uncomfortable and nauseating car ride I have ever had in my life. We couldn't get there fast enough.

By the time we did I started to get undressed and it came loose, so I gently left it on the washcloth, laid a paper towel over it and sat on the chair and waited. I know we weren't in there for that long but it seemed like forever. My Dr. came in told me how sorry he was that I had to witness that, gave me a big hug and then got to work. He wanted to make sure I wasn't dilated, so after probing and prodding he determined that if I had dilated over night, I wasn't anymore. Good sign, good sign. He then got out the ultrasound machine and proceeded to do the uncomfortable kind to double check the status of my cervix and the status of Baby A. At this point I was going through my 6th, yep 6th ultrasound. My insurance company loves me I'm sure. The first thing we see is no movement from my good baby. Although the last two times I've seen this baby on screen it's been active as hell, he reassures me and tells me not to worry. Babies do rest sometimes. All I see is the baby laying in the same position that Baby B was in on Tuesday. He doesn't see an immediate heartbeat. I looked at him with tears and my eyes said "it's over isn't it,", my husband said nothing, and the doctor kept saying "this isn't supposed to happen this way, this isn't supposed to happen." And then silence, more prodding, and as I'm closing my eyes I hear him say "hold on, hold on, hold on. There's heart motion right there." And at that point I saw the most beautiful thing, heart motion and hands moving.

So, as of right now my little fighter is holding strong. I go back in a week for my 16 week checkup and hopefully we will hear a heartbeat at that point and we can move on. Until then I can only keep praying that things will work out.

I just wish someone would have prepared me for that. No one, NO ONE should have to go through what I went through. I do however think that it has helped me put some closure on that situation. I was able to see, and touch the baby that I was lucky enough to have for 14 weeks. I was able to see it's head, eyes, ears, legs, arms and even butt. It had the cutest little butt. I say it because I was not willing to look and see what the sex was. It didn't matter to me anyways. All I know is we have one strong healthy fighter left, and we will never forget the one that left us too soon. I know that he/she is up watching us and taking care of us. Right now that seems to be the glue that is holding me together.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

The one that I never wanted to have to write

Well I thought I probably better give an update. I want to thank everyone who has sent good thoughts, they don't go unnoticed and I am going to need all I can get over the next few weeks. I've tried to make this as coherent as possible, so if it's jumbled or doesn't make sense, I'm sure you will understand.

The bleeding was off and on, just when it would stop it would start again heavier than it did before, so I called the doctor and went on in this afternoon. I kept telling myself that this was probably nothing to worry about, everything would be okay, just a little bleeding...crazy placenta placement or something. So I get there and he gets out the ultrasound machine and told me I get the award for most photographed unborn baby. This was going to be my 4th ultrasound after all. So things get going and "baby A" was moving, not as much as last time but enough to put my heart at ease. Then he gets to "baby B" and there was no movement. No worries he tells me, baby could just be taking a break. After searching for 5 of the longest minutes of my life, he can't locate the heartbeat. Says his machine isn't that detailed and he couldn't get the right angle. I should have known at this point I should be concerned. He also did the agonizing cervical check, no dilation so that's was a good sign. But he decides at this point to send me down to the Perinatal Diagnostic Center where they specialize in high risk pregnancies, and they have better equipment and can get better views and measurements there. So I go down there and wait, and wait, I think probably an hour went by before they finally called me back. I should have been smart at this time and called Matthew to come and be with me, but I still kept telling myself that everything was going to be OK.

I'm starting a new paragraph because this is going to be long. So the tech finally gets started. Not a super friendly lady for sure, and not one for talking. I always try to lighten the mood when things are tense and she just kept on doing what she was doing. She waves the wand over both babies, stops on the second one for a second and starts immediately going back and getting "baby A's" measurements. From what I could tell everything looked great there. Then the doctor came in and said something and left, and she ran out of the room after him. At this point, I knew. I just knew. The doctor finally comes in a little later and they go over all of "baby A's" measurements and it's actually measuring 14 weeks 6 days so 3 days ahead of where my last ultrasound said. I am taking this as a good sign. Then he politely, but honestly tells me that the reason they couldn't find a heartbeat on the second baby upstairs is that because there isn't one. He tells me he has no explanation other than there was probably something wrong chromasomally. By looking at the baby he saw no outward abnormalities. He also told me that although it is not uncommon, it was a little unusual for a twin to be lost in the second trimester. I know that it's not uncommon, and I knew that I was a greater risk because of there being 2, but I really thought once we hit 12 weeks we were in the clear. At this moment he also tells me that while baby A looks great, we're not out of the woods yet and I still could possibly lose that one too. I felt so alone. I had no one there to tell me it was going to be okay, just the doctor and the tech and all of their technical words. All I wanted to do was cry but I put on my brave face. I could see my lifeless baby just laying there, and while it was so hard for me to see, it looked so peaceful. Because I am still pregnant with another they will not be able to tell me what happened. They can't do a D & C so no tests can be run. They wouldn't even tell me when it died, and I should have asked if it was a boy or a girl but I just couldn't stomach that. My biggest fear had just been confirmed to me and I had no idea how to react. I literally felt like I had been kicked in the face and all I kept thinking was how hard the last 10 weeks have been on me physically and it was not fair to take this away from me. I mean just TWO weeks ago I saw this same lifeless body bouncing all over the place. And naturally any mother's first instinct is to blame them self. What did I do wrong, how could I have changed this and the bottom line is I did nothing wrong. Or so he says. He claims that if I had done something wrong both would have suffered and since the other was thriving he is convinced it was chromosomal. I know it's for the best, and as much as I hate the phrase right now I know this had a purpose behind it. Maybe one had to die so the other could make it, but not knowing is the hardest part.

I finally got out of there, found the nearest bench and lost it. I cried so hard I could barely catch my breath. I had to wait for 15 minutes to call Matthew, I did pretty good on the phone call to him but I lost it when I called my mom. Is it sad that I wanted to see her more than Matthew at the time?? But I just couldn't see anyone. I asked her if she could keep Ava for one more night and of course they said yes.

I don't want her to see mommy so upset. She has been going up to the u/s pics on the refrigerator and points and says baby! And when I ask her how many she says "two" while holding up two fingers. I just can't do that right now. And all I want to do is hold her and kiss her, but right now it's best for her to be around happy people, and mommy and daddy are just not happy right now.

I go back to my OB in 2 weeks and the perinatal for another ultrasound in 4 weeks, so please keep us in your thoughts. It's going to be a rough couple of weeks until we get through this. As I'm typing this, I'm starting to feel the onset of the cramping and contracting, something I never wished would happen. I can only pray that our remaining baby is strong enough to survive this, because right now I don't know that I am.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

The one where I bitch a little - Updated

Because honestly, I don't have much of anything positive to say. I've been in a never ending whirlwind of something new, and I just want a break from it all.

1. I'm tired of cleaning up dog shit. I could remedy that by taking the dog to the vet but that would constitute taking a shower and leaving the house.
2. I'm tired of listening to my husband bitch because he doesn't have any clean socks or underwear. He's 38, knows where the washing machine is, he isn't pregnant and is more than capable of doing his own laundry.
3. I'm also tired of husband bitching because I might have "accidentally" forgotten to check his dress pants pocket and missed a tube of chap stick that has now ruined them. The only thing I check pants for is money. Again, old enough and plenty capable of washing them himself.
4. I'm tired of feeling like my head is going to implode on itself every time I move.
5. I'm tired of coughing every 2 - 3 minutes which also makes head feel like it's going to implode.
6. I'm tired of taking pills to relieve the things that ail me.
7. I'm tired of gagging every time I take a pill.
8. I'm tired of feeling inadequate as a mother because I just don't have the energy to do the things I need to do with her.
9. I'm tired of leaving it up to my parents to take her because I never know when Matthew is going to be home.
10. I'm tired of cancelling play dates, and walks and doing things I want to do just because that would entail taking a shower and that just takes too much energy.
11. I'm tired of having no appetite. Eating has become as stressful for me as being a mom. I'm having a harder time eating now then when I was in the throes of morning sickness (which still hasn't COMPLETELY gone away either)
12. I'm tired of taking out my frustrations on everyone and everything around me. It's not fair for my husband, child and dog to suffer just because I am.
13. I'm tired of complaining but that's all I feel like I doing.
14. I'm tired of my house being a mess. (I know, I's a minor thing but I'm a neat freak.)
15. I'm tired of listening to my husband bitch about the kitty litter that's on the floor. AGAIN, big boy knows where the vacuum is and is perfectly capable of doing it himself. I am after all the one who is cleaning the litter box out even though I'm not supposed to and he knows that.
16. I'm tired of getting an average of 5 hours of sleep a night. Yes, I'm fully aware that you aren't supposed to sleep good during pregnancy but at this point I should be at least comfortable enough to get some good hours. Not so much. I think the same person who hit me in the head with a sledgehammer must have thought it would be funny to hit me in the back too.
17. I'm tired of listening to my husband complain about having a sore neck because he needs a new pillow. Bite me, seriously, bite me.
18. I'm tired of crying at the drop of a pin. Damn hormones are sending me over the edge this time.

Ok I'm done bitching. And before you start thinking that my husband is an awful person, he's not. He's really not. He works really hard so that I don't have to, and I love him with all my heart for that. He also has a son that needs his attention just as much as we do. He just seems to be an easy target to take this out on. I read so many blogs where the husband is so hands on, and is a great dad and I'm not saying that Matthew isn't, he's just not around as much as I would like and about 90% of the time I feel like I'm raising her alone. Most weekends are spent doing things with his 13 year old son, and alot of nights he gets home late due to business meetings. So I am home with her alot, and that's why I send her off to my parents to spend the night so much because right now I just can't handle her by myself all the time. Tonight I cried when my dad said he was bringing her home because I was secretly hoping that she could stay one more night. How awful of a mom does that make me????

Secondly, I'm probably really emotional right now too because I started bleeding Friday night. Not heavy, and nothing that seems to be of any concern right now, but nevertheless when I noticed it Friday night it scared the shit out of me and I got about 0 hours of sleep. Per Dr's orders I am supposed to wear pads to track the amount, call them back if it gets heavy like a period or start cramping and do AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE. Now someone tell me how that's going to happen when I'm home alone with my child???? Matthew knows all of this too and I guess he's not as worried as me. Every little twinge I feel down there freaks me out, and all of a sudden in my head my brain is telling me that no appetite probably means I'm not pregnant anymore. I know, I know...things would be happening if that were the case. Right now I would give anything for a flutter, kick, anything to let me know that things are OK. I'm thinking he's probably going to call me tomorrow to come in, and if he does it will be the greatest thing to peak my mood, and if he doesn't I might just call them because I can't wait another two weeks to see what's going on.

So that's it for now. I promise the next post will be upbeat because I've been nominated by two lovely ladies for two special awards and I want to thank them for that.

**As of this morning, the bleeding appears to have stopped. Apparently the bitching gods were listening last night and decided to grant me some wishes because my neverending headache is a little better too. And it's taken me almost 30 minutes to eat a biscuit so I see all of that as a good sign. I called and left a message for the nurse at the Drs office letting her know things were better, so they may or may not want me to come in. And I THINK, THINK I might have felt a small flutter this morning when I was laying in bed. I'm sure it was probably a gas bubble because it's still sort of early, but hey a girl can dream right?? **

Tuesday, September 18, 2007


Not much of a post, just something that I have to document.

Tonight Matthew did his nightly ritual of trying to get Ava to walk to him, the child just won't have any of it. He looked at her and told her that her baby brothers/baby sisters will be walking before she will.

Wanna know what she said? With her hand near her mouth and a smirk on her face, she uttered the word "whatever."

God she's more like me everyday.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Brainfart = No title

I have been nominated for an award!! YAY, and that's next on my list, but I gotta get this out, because it's been one of those days.

First off, I feel like shit. Total and utter crap. Not the pukey kind, that's gone, the kind in the form of never ending snot, sneezing every 10 or so minutes, throat that feels like sandpaper kind of shit. And the one crappy thing about being pregnant is that I can't load myself up on Ny.Quil and other comatose causing drugs that I like to take. Am left with a choice of Bena.dryl (which I clearly have a tolerance for now), Sud.afed, which makes me jittery and a few other things I can't even remember. So you can imagine that since I got about 2 hours of sleep between the coughing, sneezing, stuffy head, fever that I COULD NOT REST without medicine, I was in rare form today.

So I had planned to go to the mall today to get something to wear for a wedding I'm going to tomorrow. Let's face it, things aren't fitting so hot these days. Too big to wear normal clothes, too small for maternity clothes. So I am going to try again to hit the mall tomorrow, and if I don't make it out, then I'm gonna throw on my Spa.nx and put on a little black dress that I have. I can already tell you what it's going to look like, and it won't be pretty.

Second of all, my house has been smelling like shit for about 3 days. Literally. I kept looking in corners, under things, anywhere thinking one of the pets, or even Ava had left me a little present somewhere. But even I am smart enough to know that the smell of pet shit does go away after a while. This was clearly getting worse. This afternoon my dad came to cut bushes and help weed my landscaping. I am not an outside gal, I don't mow, I don't weed, I don't plant flowers, in fact I'm pretty good at killing things. But my dad loves that crap so he came out to help. So as we walk in the house I mention to him about the smell, and it was at about this time that I slipped in something and almost fell on my ass. Yep you guessed it, my super awesome dog was at it again. Shit...all over my shoes, and now all over the floor. So my dad gets a plastic bag and starts helping me pick it up when he misses a spot and steps in it. So now we have dog shit tracked all over my kitchen floor. Nice. I swear my dog is trained. Won't pee in the house if I left him alone for 12 hours, but leave him alone for an hour? And he shits everywhere.

So that was still not the root of the smell. Matthew and I came home from dinner tonight, he went to the basement to go to the bathroom, and I went to the one upstairs (pregnant women = need to pee every 15 minutes). He starts screaming at me, I go downstairs, and there's sewer, and shit literally spraying all over our walls. We are on a septic system where I live, not sewer, so I guess maybe it's full??? I don't know, all I know is the room where the pump is now covered in icky brown goo, and who wants to bet that after we have someone come out and fix it I'll be the one on my hands and knees cleaning it up. And now I've been told by my husband that until we have someone come out here, no flushing toilets, no running water, etc. Gonna be an interesting day and night indeed. I thought moving into a new house meant that we wouldn't have problems like this. Big fat wrongo. In the 3 months we've been here, we've had a leaky toilet that ran into the basement, a broken air conditioner, and now shit flying on the walls.

So I'm off to try to medicate myself in any way possible. My gracious parents offered to keep Miss Priss tonight so I can catch some zzz's, or snot, or whatever.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Sweet Relief

Today has been a really good day. Not only have I NOT felt like I was going to throw up, but all of my fears were quickly calmed after a good visit at the doctor. You gotta love my doctor. As soon as he opens the door and sees Matthew and I sitting there, he just starts giggling. It's as if he knows exactly how to break the ice.

I was fully expecting the Doppler today to hear the heartbeats, but we got to do better than that. He decided that since Matthew was with me today, he wanted to take a "peak" inside and check. This delighted me, and also scared the living shit out of me. Any of you that have children can probably relate that until you hear that heartbeat for the very first time, there is a small part of you that thinks that something could be wrong. And with me carrying twins, the chances automatically go up. And it probably doesn't help that I've spent countless hours on Dr. Google this week making me think things could be really bad. But to our delight, these babies decided that this afternoon was a great time to put on a show. They were not only moving, they were bouncing all over the place. It's as if they were using my uterus as their own personal trampoline. Both of them, moving, heartbeats going strong. I've never been so happy and relieved. It's just so bizarre to look and see what's going on INSIDE of you, especially since they are still so small but so active, yet you can't feel a thing. Matthew was beside himself. We saw faces, legs, arms flailing, really just a beautiful site. So right now all is good. We go back in 4 weeks but we probably will NOT find out the sex until 20 weeks. Totally bummed, but I'll survive.

On a totally unrelated note, Ava got a baby doll many many months ago, and until today has not so much as peeked in it's direction. Today on the other hand, has been carrying that thing all over, saying baby, baby, baby, giving me the baby and them crawling up on my lap. I just wonder if she suspects something is up?????

Saturday, September 08, 2007


Does everyone see my ticker? Do ya, do ya?? See how it says I'm 12 weeks? Does that mean that this hell that they call the first trimester is coming to an end?? Lord I hope so.

My next appointment is Tuesday, and I am literally counting down the hours. I'm telling myself that all is well, but as you know nothing is as great as hearing that hearbeat, or heartbeats for the very first time. I probably won't sleep much until then.

I promise I do have a worthy post to write, but since no one's around on the weekends I know you can wait until Monday to read it.

Oh and I have the funniest video of Ava to put on, but lo and hehold Blogger is being a pain in the ass and it won't upload, so maybe I'll save that for a rainy day.