Monday, June 30, 2008

Well I WAS doing okay...

That was until today. Oh hi, I'm back! I had my follow up from my D&C today, it was supposed to be last week but I called and changed it. I had big weekend plans and I knew I would be thinking about the results of the genetic testing so I waited until today. I'm not sure I made the right decision. From the moment I walked into the Dr's office it was not like most of my visits. The receptionist called me by my first name before I even signed in (which they NEVER do), and then they proceeded to tell me that he "neglected" to inform them that he had an emergency C-Section. I wasn't sure that emergency sections were "planned" but whatever. I sat down, enjoyed the quiet time by myself, and hoped that the woman and baby he was operating on was okay. I've never waited more than a half an hour when I've been there, and it was probably only 5 minutes after sitting there that I heard him enter the back of the office. The other doctor wasn't in today so I knew it had to be mine. I was promptly called back by the nurse, who for the first time showed a cold side to me. No chit chat, not even normal questions. All she said asked me was if I had anything in particular I wanted to talk to him about, and what medications I had been taking. I was taken aback by that one as she's never asked me that, but I'm thinking that because the scaled showed a 7 pound weight gain since I was last there three weeks ago I MUST be taking something. I really haven't gained 7 pounds. I've weighed myself every day since and even after eating all day I didn't weigh that much more. If I haven't told you already, I don't understand why doctors offices STILL use the metal slide scales. I think I should introduce them to Mr. Digital. I mean a few ounces can be the deal breaker on a pound.

Anyway, new paragraph, moving on. By the time he finally came in about 30 minutes later, I had the lovely pleasure of hearing at least one strong fetal heartbeat in the room next door, which really was enough to send me running, but since I was half naked from the waist down I figured that might not be the best idea. I could tell that he wasn't himself. Not that I "know" him, but I've been in there enough and have had enough conversations to feel comfortable on more than just a patient level. Everything was cut and dry, he was very much the "Dr." this time. One thing that shocked me was that I had to ask him for the test results. He didn't have them. He said he had thought about them, but that doesn't mean much to me. I wanted to walk in there and know why I lost this baby. Either my body failed me, or something was wrong and I wanted to know. I didn't get that answer. Instead I got the question of whether or not I wanted more prenatal vitamins and go after baby # whatever it is now, or contraception. I was told before my D&C three weeks ago that I should take a break. My body and my mind needed time to heal. It just seemed like something wasn't right. Then it was time for the exam, and all went well, almost. I was due for the annual cervix swab and he even mentioned it until I heard his nurse and him whisper back and forth that my insurance won't cover it. WTF!!! I have good insurance, and this is what I would consider preventative care so why in the hell was I not allowed to have one??? Mind you, I don't personally enjoy having that part of my body probed but I'm pretty sure I would like to know that all is still well and healthy down there. I never got an answer on that either. He told me that he would get the results, call me later and sent me out with a bag full of birth control samples as if nothing in the past 9 months had happened. If that were my first visit to the doctor I would not see him again. I am wondering what happened in that STAT C-Section. Was he just having a bad day, or did something bad happen. You never know. Yes they are doctors and unfortunately they do see the bad sides to pregnancy, but I wonder how if/when a doctor loses a baby during deliver they are able to go on about their day as if nothing happened. I'm not saying that just makes you wonder.

Anyhoo I picked up Ava and went to the store, and apparently sometime while I was there he called and I missed it. Again, it just wasn't like him on the voicemail. First off, I am SURPRISED that he left the results of the test on a voicemail. Normally he would call and either have me call him or he would call me back later. Results were that baby did have an abnormal karyotype, which he called the most common abnormality in miscarried fetuses. Does that make me feel any better? I don't know. I still don't know iwhether I would rather have a miscarraige because there was something wrong with the baby, or something wrong with my body. My first twin had a chromosome abnormality, and now having two makes things scary. Even if what happened to the last baby was "common" it doesn't help things. From what I understand it was missing an additional sex karyotype, but most babies with this are genotypically female. If you are counting, that's not only 3 babies that I have lost, but 3 girls. The 1% with this abnormality survive but will not reach puberty, and therefore will not be able to have children. What worries/bothers me the most is my first twin had something called Turner Syndrome which only affects females, and has similar characteristics. He says I'm reading too much into it, that because we have healthy children (his son, and of course Ava) we shouldn't worry. And I want to believe him, but it's hard not to. I'm going to a perinatal loss meeting tomorrow that deals with recurrent miscarriages and I'm hoping someone else has some light to shed on this. In the meantime, the baby factory has closed, and I'm not sure when/if it will open again.

Right now I just want some time to get my life and my sex life back, and not be consumed with getting/staying pregnant. It might happen again, and it might not. The bottom line is I have alot to be thankful for already.

Sunday, June 08, 2008

Not much to say

Thanks to everyone who sent comments over the weekend. Baby measured right at 9 weeks, but after 2 ultrasounds it was determined that it didn't have a heartbeat. My D&C is scheduled for Tuesday morning and I've decided to have genetic testing done just in case. I don't have words to describe how I'm feeling. I'm totally broken. I cannot believe this has happened to me again.

I'm taking an indefinite break. And I might take a break from reading/commenting as I just don't have the energy to handle things right now. I need to focus all of my energy on being the best parent I can to Ava. Reality is sinking is that she might just be the only child we ever have. I've had 2 pregnancies/2 losses in less than 7 months and I need to give my body and my mind time to heal, and even then I'm not sure I'll be ready to do it again.

Thanks to everyone who's been praying for us during all of this.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

More, more, more

More questions, more questions!

Chas asked if Ava had been a boy, what was his name to be? Why did you choose it? Also, any names in mind for this new baby?

For boy names we had it narrowed to Owen. Matthew liked the name Wyatt but for a few years now (and still today) I have had a dream where I had a little boy named Owen. I'm not sure where it came from, as I don't have any family members by that name nor do I know anyone. It stuck with me and to this day I still love that name. Ava's name actually came to us pretty easy. I remember early in my pregnancy reading about how Mar.tina Mc.Bride had named her third child Ava Rose and I just LOVED it. We've always known that our first girl would have Rose as her middle name. It's my middle name and it's my grandmother's name, and I just thought Ava Rose really fit together. We were also sort of toying around with Olivia, and the final decision wasn't actually made until I was in the delivery room, but I think we always knew that was what it was going to be. As for new baby...I think we both hesitate to even think about it right now. Obviously the last time we named a child the result wasn't what we wanted, so I think we will really settle and talk about it once we get past the 20 week ultrasound...which seems SO long away!!

If anyone thinks of anything else, keep them coming!

A few random things. I'm FINALLY going to see Sex a.nd the C.ity tonight. I was supposed to go Friday but when my friends told me they were going to the 10:40 showing, I politely bailed as that's way past my bedtime!

I go back to the Dr. on Friday, so think good thoughts. Obviously I'm hoping the pregnancy is still there (no doubts in my mind that it's not), but mostly I'm hoping I'm 9 weeks where I think I am as opposed to a week or so behind. Another week added to this trimester would seem like an eternity. I'll post as soon as I can...

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

You asked, I answer

So naturally I'm about 2 weeks late on this, but here goes:

Lisanne asked me:

1. First why my font was so tiny? To be honest I don't know! Something happened to my original template and I haven't had time to go back and find a new one that I like...but I promise I will or I will send you up some reading glasses! He He
2. When you're feeling anxious, stressed out, worried, etc., what helps you relax, unwind, and calm down? When I can I do take baths, but it's rare so alot of times I'll just pop in a movie that I know will make me laugh, and drink a glass of wine (when I'm not pregnant of course)
3. Where did you go to college? And what did you study? What was your first job out of college? I started at Western Kentucky University in Bowling Green where I studied Elementary Education. After 2 years I transferred back home to the University of Kentucky and was the director of an After School Program at a Day Care and quickly learned that teaching was NOT for me. I ended up changing my major to Hospitality Management and after 6 LONG years in college I finally graduated in 2000. Right out of college I interviewed to be a Flight Attendant, basically it was my way of prolonging getting a job as long as possible. After several rounds of interviews, and learning more than I needed to about how crappy the first couple years can be, I decided against it and took a job at a company called as an Event Coordinator. I loved it, but left after 3 years for personal reasons which I will describe later.
4. If I had an entire afternoon to myself, what would I do? Well thanks to the help of my wonderful parents, I actually get these quite often. I take the "day off" so I can get my house cleaned and laundry done but I usually end up curling up on the couch and watching movies. I could watch movies all day long.

Connie asked:

1. How did you & Matthew meet & was it "love at first sight"? This is is sort of a continuation of Lisanne's question. Matthew and I met at our company Christmas party in 2001, and ironically neither of us was supposed to even be there that night. He got back from a business trip a day early, and I was supposed to be out of town but my trip got cancelled. He and I worked in different departments, different buildings and while I had heard his name, I had no idea who he was until that night. I definitely wouldn't call it love at first sight :-) But let me just say that a group of people went out afterwards to a bar, there was some drinking involved, he was paying loads of attention to me, and I of course fell for it. I actually was sort of dating someone else at the time, and I attempted to "use" Matthew to make the other guy jealous, however I ended up realizing that I had much stronger feelings for Matthew and the other guy was history. It took me a long time to really get that relationship with him because we had hurdles to overcome, mainly the fact that he had been married before and he had a son. It was hard to penetrate that wall that he had because he had been hurt really bad before and was trying to make sure I was "worth it" before going down that road again. When we finally made the decision, one of us had to leave the company in order for the relationship to advance further. I made it easy and quit. He had been there 9 years and it made no sense for me to stay. It was time for me to move on anyways.
2. What is your most favorite aspect of motherhood? Gosh so many things, but mainly just seeing this little product of us running around. Nobody could have prepared me for the love that I have for that little girl. She cracks me up and continues to amaze me each day.

AFF asked:

1. When you were little, what did you think you'd be when you grew up? How many dates did it take for you to figure out Matthew was the one? Did you know before the ultrasound Ava would be a girl? When I was little, I was convinced I was going to be a lawyer. I'm not sure why, I never was good at arguing and I usually lost the battles, but I guess since my father was a lawyer and then a judge I wanted to try and follow in his footsteps. But really it just depended on what day it was. I remember a time when I wold change my mind daily, but the lawyer one definitely sticks out. Second question, I'm not really sure how long it took for me to know he was the one. I think I hesitated to think that to myself because early on in our relationship he used to tell me that he would never get married again, so I probably put up a wall of thinking that just in case. It took him over a year to tell me that he loved me, but it was pretty clear at that point that he was it! As for the ultrasound, I honestly thought she was going to be a boy. I'm thinking I might have had some boy dreams but all of the "old wives tales" pointed to girl so I'm not sure where my boy thinking came from. We actually weren't even 100% sure she was a girl because they couldn't get her to spread her legs, but I guess it's a good thing she was since we got greedy and bought lots of pink stuff.

Jen was dying to know the following:

1. What are your favorites: color, flower, band/singer, movie, tv show Favorite color is pink, favorite flower is the way they smell, favorite band/singer is a tough one. Of all time probably Journey or George Strait, current fave might be Carrie Underwood. I really go through phases depending on what time of the year it is, but I can actually sit and listen to her whole CD without flipping through songs. I'm really in the country phase right now.
2. Are you a jeans n tee type of girl? Or are you the dressier type? Honestly I'm more of a sweats and tee type of girl. I do like dressing up because it actually makes me feel like an adult other than just a mommy with food on my shirt, but when I get home I can't wait to throw the sweats and tee back on.
3. What turns you on about Matthew the most? The way he is as a father, and the way he works so hard so that I can stay home and raise Ava. I think that's one thing that really drew me to him when we were dating. It was hard for me to cope with the fact that he had a son, but seeing him as a father already made me realize how great he would be if we ever had children of our own.
4. What was your favorite cartoon as a kid? Favorite toy? Do you remember that show "Jabberjaw?" I remember coming home from church and going straight for the TV to watch it. Weird now that I think about it, but I did love it. Favorite toy would have to be anything Barbie. I had them all, and all of the accessories to go along with it.
5. What do you enjoy about being pregnant? That's a hard one since I'm not technically enjoying it right now! But the thing that I loved most about my pregnancy with Ava was the movement, and getting to know her personality before anyone else could. I knew way back then she was going to be a laid back baby and she was. I really was sad the day she was born because she no longer belonged to just me. As moms we have such amazing bonds with these little humans, and it's hard to share! I'm really trying to enjoy every moment this time, because this one is our last. :-( Boo hoo.
6. What is your favorite thing about Ava? So many things! I love the way she laughs, I love how she sometimes walks around with her eyes closed and laughs when she bumps into stuff, I love how she gets excited when she sees her daddy's car pull up in the driveway, I love it when she tells me that she loves me...even thought I'm pretty sure she doesn't know what it means, I love the way she giggles and squeals at the dog when he barks at her, I love that her favorite outfit usually includes no clothes but always shoes, and I love the fact that her favorite phrase right now is "Ava's stinkin cute," but mostly I just love it that she's mine.
7. Is she more like you, or her Daddy? This one is easy. She looks just like him and is stubborn and dramatic just like me!

Is that all you ever wanted to know and more???