Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Merry Christmas!

I hope that everyone had a wonderful holiday! Three days of non stop action has left us all a little tired and grumpy, but it's all worth it to see your children smile.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Time Flies...

6 years ago today Matthew and I had our first date. If you would have told me back then what we as a couple would go through until this point, I probably would have quickly run in another direction. But looking back now the good times definitely outweigh the bad, and I would never want to experience anything in life with anyone else. Even though there are times that I would like to throw him out to a pack of wolves, I love him, we were meant to be together, and going through what we have has only made us a stronger couple. I know that I truly have a partner in life, and together we can make it through anything.
Happy "anniversary"

Friday, December 14, 2007

The story - Part 2

So it's safe to say that my body went through alot that day. Once again, induction had brought on fast and furious labor, something that this time I was thankful for.

Matthew came in just in time to see the aftermath and talk to the doctor, and then we were left alone in the room to digest what just happened. We had decided that we did want to see her, hold her, and tell her goodbye. Once she was delivered she was taken away to be cleaned up, dressed and to have her picture taken, just like they do with regular newborns at this hospital. We just sat there, acting like nothing had even happened. We laughed, talked on the phone with friends, I begged and waited for food (I hadn't eaten in what seemed like forever). At about 7:00, the nurse walked in and we just stopped talking. She brought our precious baby to us and at that very moment in unison we sobbed. I never imagined to have that wave of emotion hit. I had never felt so hopeless in my life. I studied everything about her. To me, she looked perfect. She was small, but perfect. And then I noticed her lips, and how they looked just like Ava's. She was cold, and her body was rapidly fading as the minutes passed. We both held her, and kissed her, and I told her how sorry I was that I couldn't protect her, but that it was her job to go to heaven and be with God and her sister.

We called for the nurse to come and get her, this was to be the last time that we would see our baby. Matthew stayed with me for another 30 minutes or so, then they came to move me to my new room. I was moved to a room far from the mother/baby unit to recover. I had no baby to take care of, but my body had still been through hell. It hurt like hell to pee from having the catheter, I could barely sit up because of the pain in my back from the epidural, and my right leg was still numb. I sent Matthew home, and my mom came and sat with me for a while. She desperately wanted to be there for me during the night, but my dad had just gotten home that same day from having heart surgery and she needed to be with him. I was in good hands, and honestly, I just wanted to be alone. I was desperately trying to digest what had just happened, and just like how it was before they brought her to me, I sort of acted as if nothing had happened. I turned on the TV, and tried to rest. I don't know what made this trip to the hospital so different, but I literally was getting woken up ever 30 minutes. Blood pressure check, blood taken, more antibiotics. It was insane. Not to mention the urge to pee every 30 minutes or so due to the massive amounts of fluids that were being pumped through my body. I had to pee in a measured cup, and I had to call the nurse each time I went so she could measure and dump it out. I also got the lovely uterus massage every 2 hours or so to check for bleeding. Some things I definitely had forgotten from Ava's birth, and I WILL NOT forget them next time, if there is a next time.

Morning finally came and I could not wait to see my Dr. so I could get the hell out of there. He came, gave me my marching orders (no sex, tampons) for 2 weeks, and business as usual. By this point, I was feeling much better and really felt as if nothing had even happened. Again, where were my emotions?? Why wasn't I more upset? Was I setting myself up for a delayed reaction? I could tell he was worried that I might fall into depression, but I wasn't worried, I mean I am a strong person right?? We had a brief talk with the bereavement counselor, we were given a bunch of information on websites, we were told how to go about retrieving her body, and then we were given the all clear. And instead of being wheeled out in a wheelchair, we were allowed to walk out. Apparently when you give birth to a dead baby you are allowed to do whatever the hell you want. As I walked out the doors, it hit me. This was really over, we were leaving the hospital without our baby.

Instead of a baby to take home and feed, I was sent home with Ace Bandages to wrap around my chest so my milk wouldn't come in. Instead of a baby to bring home I was sent home with a keepsake box of pictures, a pillow and the blanket where she was laying when she had her pictures taken. Instead of a baby to bring home, I was sent home with a broken heart, an empty belly and a confused soul.

The rest of that day was spent together, trying to laugh, but not trying not to cry. We cried, we hugged and we did what I didn't think I was ready to do. We opened the box and looked at her pictures. I took out the blanket and I smelled it, it smelled like her. I slept with it that night and it has not left my bed. I put everything back in the box, along with all of our ultrasound pictures and sympathy cards, and I closed it. It hasn't been opened since.

Two weeks ago I went for my follow up visit, and was cleared to resume all activities. I was also sent home with 3 sample paks of birth control pills. It's reality and reality sucks. Instead of getting to enjoy, or not enjoy the last three months of pregnancy, I am now back on birth control, trying to let my body and my mind heal in case I want to jump on this roller coaster again.

I really have been trying to have as much faith during this as I can, but it's hard. I'm so mad that they were both taken away from me. Two babies, I lost two babies. I will never get to see their first smiles, hear their first laughs, hear their first words or watch them take their first steps. I'll never send them off on their first day or school, watch them go off to college, dance on their wedding days or become mothers themselves. These are the things that hurt so much.

I dealt with the first one better because there were obvious things wrong. This last one? Makes me sick sometimes to think about it. It still sometimes feels like a dream. She was perfect. And from what we know right now, she died because of what happened to the first one. I keep hearing people say that they were meant to stay together, they weren't meant to be separated...blah blah blah and I know they are probably right but that means nothing to me right now. I just want my baby girls back. And I'm constantly asking myself why/how didn't I realize something was wrong?? Our job as parents are to protect our children and I was the only one who could and I didn't. I know it wasn't my fault and I know there wouldn't have been anything else I could have done. And the scary thing is, that hypothetically if either myself or the Doctors would have noticed my water broke after we lost the first baby, chances are this pregnancy would have ended much sooner, my parents would have taken off for Florida, and then who knows what would have happened with my father and his heart problems.

I could NEVER, ever wish this to happen to anyone, not even my worst enemies. I have such a new found respect for women who have suffered losses and I have found/met some amazing people in the past month. It's absolutely unfair that any woman would have to suffer through something like this. I never thought I would be turning to grief support groups for this, I never thought this would or could happen to be, and I never thought that because of this situation I would become a grim statistic. But I have, it did, and I am. And I will deal with it.

We buried Anna Grace last Tuesday, December 4. It was a small graveside service with our parents, Ava, and our minister. Matthew and I decided we didn't want her buried alone, so we purchased our burial plots, and she is buried where my feet will be. The days are getting better. I'm taking it one at a time, and that's all I can do. I let myself cry when I feel sad, and laugh when I'm happy. I still have a family to take care of, and a love able, high maintenance toddler who needs my undivided attention. The pain is fresh, and I know over time it will ease but it will never go away. They will always be a part of me, and knowing that we have two angels that we will meet again someday makes it easier to move on. In life I have been a very lucky person, and I still feel that way. I just had some unfortunate things happen along the way. And because of these I will come out a stronger person.

Rest in peace baby girl....

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Long overdue - The story part 1

First of all I wanted to say that, again, I was BLOWN away at the response and the support that I have received. You all are truly my bright spot through all of this, and I can honestly say that each and every one of your comments brought tears to my eyes, and each one of them was exactly what I needed.

I've been trying for over a week to get this post out, but we were all sick last week, Ava wasn't sleeping, and then Saturday I strained all of my lower back muscles bringing Christmas decorations up and was flat on my back in bed on muscle relaxers for 2 days. It's just been one thing after another. I'm breaking this into two parts, because let's be honest, I have alot on my mind, I have alot to say and I don't want to forget a single moment of that day.

It all started on November 13. I started having some more bleeding, and had been having light contractions for a few days. I paged my doctor and he told me that he wanted to see me the next day. I didn't sleep that night. Somehow I just knew that this was the end, and I wanted to cherish every last minute that I had with my baby. Wednesday rolls around and when I get into his office he does an exam, and realizes that YES I am indeed leaking fluid. This was both good and bad news. The good news was that they now had a reason to admit me to the hospital to induce labor, the bad news was that even though I thought I had prepared myself for this, I would be losing my baby the next day. I still look back and wonder how I didn't know this was happening. I was NOT ready, at all. We did everything that we could. This baby just would not make it without the fluid, and as much as we wanted this baby, this pregnancy, we didn't want for her to suffer. If we would have made it to 26 weeks they would have considered it a viable pregnancy and the baby would have been born and would have struggled to breathe without the lung development. I was not willing to let my baby suffer and at this point the Doctor told me I had no other choice. They diagnosed me with fetal demise, sent me home with a prescription of Cyto.tec and told me to report to the hospital at 6:00 AM that next morning. I should also mention that this same day (Wednesday) my father was in the same hospital have 3 more stints put in. Who would have guessed that my dad and I would be patients at the same hospital at the very same time.

Walking into labor and delivery brought me back to the day when Ava was born, but this time we knew we were not going to have a happy ending. We knew we would not be bringing a baby home with us, yet I still had to put my body through the whole labor process. I got to my room, looked at baby warmer and all of it's surroundings, looked at the heart monitor that wouldn't get used, and realized this was going to be even harder than I had imagined. My nurse came in at that point and right away she put me at ease. She answered alot of questions we had, and she had some tough ones for us. Did we want to see the baby, did we want to hold the baby, were we going to name the baby, were we going to bury the baby or did we want the hospital to take care of it for us. Alot of questions that up until then we really hadn't thought much about. She also mentioned to us that she put a sign on our door with a purple heart, an indication for all staff that this was a dead pregnancy. As horrible as it was, it saved alot of grief we could have encountered if someone came in and tried to congratulate us. We continued through the 8000 questions and then at about 8:00 came my first cervical check, and another round of Cyto.tec. At this point I had dilated enough for her to determine that the cord was actually pushing through my cervix. She told me that if this was a full term pregnancy I would been rushed straight to the operating room for a C-section.

My doctor came in about 8:30 and I could just see the sadness in his eyes. He did another check to see how I was progressing, gave me a hug and told me he would be back around lunch time. From here we just sort of hung out. I had been having contractions since the night before, but they weren't anything to write home about. I assumed this is sort of what it felt like to naturally go into labor. Contractions spaced out, not lasting very long, etc. My labor with Ava was induced and it was fast, hard and furious. Another story, another post. Things started to get a wee bit uncomfortable at about 11, and my nurse all but shoved the Sta.tol in my IV. I didn't think much of it because I had it with Ava and I actually kind of enjoyed. This time IT WAS AWFUL. I felt it immediately, and within 3 minutes I was shaking, sweating and on the edge of throwing up all over the place. I wanted it to go away so badly I started crying. I was miserable. I managed to get them to give me some Reg.lan for the nausea which helped, but then as I started to get more lightheaded my blood pressure machine was going crazy and the next thing I knew she was giving me Ephed.rine as my blood pressure was dropping pretty low. When I finally realized who I was again, I found out it had dropped to 86/50.

It was about this time that she also was convincing me to get an epidural. I went in there telling myself that there was no need for me to have one, I could handle the contractions and it wasn't like I was going to be pushing out a 7 lb. baby. I mean how bad could it be right??? Well what they forgot to tell me was that more than likely after all of this I would be wheeled to the OR for a D&C. Apparently when you deliver this early the placenta does not often detach and that procedure is necessary to get it all out, so I was advised to get the epidural then so that they would be able to do the procedure promptly after the birth while my cervix was still dilated. All I kept thinking to myself was "what now!" The epidural lady came in and it was much worse this time than my last time. I wasn't in a whole lot of pain and I could feel everything she was doing, not to mention it seemed to take forever. I had only had the Sta.tol for about 30 minutes when I got the epidural so at this point I could barely keep my eyes open. I tried and tried to sleep, and every time I would close my eyes I felt like the room was spinning. And it's not like I could use the old school drunk trick of putting my foot on the floor. I was numb (at least my right half was). Once my leg did fall of the side of the bed and it wasn't pleasant. I think my doctor might have come in at some point during all this, but I was beyond out of it by this point.

I managed to sleep for a little while and then woke up when they shift changed for nurses. The doctor had said he would be back at about 5 so I thought we had plenty of time and I sent Matthew off to lunch. I had a nice little chat with my new nurse and after hearing about her pregnancy nightmare, I promised myself never to complain again. She had such severe hyper.emesis that she puked at least 30 times a day. She said she was hospitalized 4 times for dehydration, had to give herself IV fluids on all of her breaks, and literally could not keep food or water down. She lost 14 pounds, had placenta previa early on, and then ended up having to deliver 8 weeks early. Her little boy spent 4 weeks in the NICU but is okay now. She went on and on, I could not believe this poor girl went through that. We kept chatting and it was about this time I noticed I could feel each contraction on my left side, and they were getting stronger and coming closer together. (Something about my left side does not take too well to the epidurals. That happened with Ava too) So I asked her for some more medicine, she went to check and of course the anesthesiologist was in an emergency C-section so I was going to have to wait. No biggie. This was about 3:30. At about this time my doctor happened to peek his head in, and I asked him to check because of all the pressure. He did his thing and at that point he just pulled the baby out. All I could see was a precious, tiny little baby who looked perfect to me, even though I knew it was dead. I knew the exact moment that it died, just something I felt.

It wasn't until about 3 minutes later that they told me it was a little girl. I was crushed, yet somehow I knew it was a girl long before this happened. We had decided that we did want to see her, so they took her for a while to get her cleaned up and pictures taken. He decided at this point he wanted to try and get the placenta out, to alleviate the need for me to have a complete D&C. Lord I had no idea what I was about to see, and feel. I was still numb and I don't want to get into the gory details of it all, but I felt like I was a pumpkin being carved. There was blood and yucky stuff everywhere. Matthew was still not there, he missed the whole thing and as much as I needed him, part of me is glad he didn't have to see me like that. My doctor and I had plenty of time to chat, and I learned some pretty personal things about him that he apparently doesn't talk about too often. I know I've talked about how much I love my Doctor, but hearing his stories about his own heartache brought it to a whole new level. He understands, he's been there and he really was sorry about what we were going through. He went and cleaned up, came gave me another hug and he was on his way.

Matthew got back right before the doctor left, the procedure was complete, yet we still hadn't gone through the hardest part of it all.

Monday, November 26, 2007

It's coming I swear...

I promise it's coming, the one where it all ended but lord things have been like a zoo around here. Apparently since my 20 month old runs the show in this house, the computer is no longer allowed to be on unless ELMO is talking on my screen. My evil brother found a website with Elmo games and stories, and well that was the reason I had NOT introduced my child to him. Now he's everywhere. So unless she's sleeping, I'm not on the computer. And since I've been struck with the chest cold from hell, when she's sleeping I've been sleeping too.

She's in her crib right now screaming, but since I'm about to be looped out on Ny.Quil I needed 5 minutes, just 5 MINUTES. Even if this is a pretty pointless post, it's so much better than effing E-Mo.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Closure sucks and it hurts like hell

I just wanted to let everyone know that our precious baby girl was born sleeping on Thursday, November 15, 2007 at 3:48 PM, weighing in at 10.2 ounces and 9.5 inches long. We fought for her until the very end, and she never stopped fighting but the odds were stacked against us as what little fluid I was producing was leaking at an alarming pace and no matter what we could have done, she could not survive outside my belly. This has proven to be more painful than anything we could have imagined.

For my own sanity I need to write everything down, and I want to share it all...but I've had a total of 5 hours of sleep in 2 days days and let's face it..I can't make sense of it all right now. I am hurting in ways that I can't explain, so I am going to try this weekend to detail a post worthy enough of the events that happened, but please bear with me as I desperately try to get my feelings on paper in the manner that I truly feel them.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

What a week...Part 1

First of all, again thanks to everyone who said an extra little prayer for us. I never imagined I could possibly be hit with so much at once.

I am beyond exhausted but I want to try to get all of this out and still make sense. It's probably going to be long and discombobulated so bear with me.

It looks like my dad is going to be okay. My dad's a former UK Bask.etball player, and subsequently one of the most stubborn, strongest, and hard headed people I know - it could be where I get mine from! He took a walk and came home and started washing the car and noticed that he had pain that started in his shoulder and radiated into his elbow. He didn't think much of it, went in took an ad.vil and went back to his business. Shortly thereafter he broke out into a really cold sweat, and it was at about this point that he realized something was wrong. At about the same time my mom called to tell him she was still out running errands, and he told her that something was wrong and she needed to get home. He didn't think that he needed to call 911, but my brother who was with my mom wasn't taking any chances and called. The ambulance was there in less than 5 minutes, all the while my dad decided that he would take a shower while he waited. Sometimes I think he's an idiot. He was not actively having a heart attack when the ambulance arrived, but shortly after they got him to the hospital he started to go downhill fast. At one point his heart went into V-F.ib and they needed to use the paddles to shock him. He also had a seizure during all this, but was awake the entire time. Within one hour of arriving they determined he had 90% blockage in 3 of his arteries, they placed a stint into the one with the most severe damage, and they put him in ICU. And my mom was there to witness every single minute of that. I cannot even imagine what she went through.

As soon as Ava woke up from her nap Matthew and I dropped her off at a friends and made it to the hospital. On my way into the ICU I ran into the PA of the doctor that was working on his case (ironically I went to high school with her so I felt very comfortable asking questions) and she made it very clear to us that if my mom and brother didn't call 911 when they did we might be looking at a different outcome. The fact that he was already at the hospital when the major problems happened more than likely saved his life. I can't even begin to tell you the thoughts that have been going through my head. My dad is the rock of my family. Alot of you have commented on how strong I have been through this pregnancy, and I sincerely think I get alot of my strength from my dad. To think of life without him is unimaginable. My first thought when all of this happened was Ava. She is his princess, a shining light in his life. I honestly sometimes think that she would rather spend time with her "Pa Pa" than me. And that melts my heart. Most of you probably don't know that I'm adopted, and I honestly could NOT have been adopted by two better people. I even think Matthew got more upset about this than I did, to me that tells me alot.

He was moved to a normal room today and will probably be in the hospital until Saturday or so. He's still not out of the woods because they need to decide how they want to approach the other two blockages, but he's being treated, and that's good enough for me. Something that really made me think about was the fact that they were supposed to leave for Florida on Tuesday. However with everything that's gone on with me they decided not to go. It sickens me to think about where they would have been if this had happened while they were gone. I'm not saying that it would have happened, but maybe all the stuff going on with me is happening for a reason after all. It did keep them here and they are able to be close to family.

I'll post again tomorrow about this weeks U/S and Dr. appt. I'm so tired and tomorrow is going to be a LONG day. I need to get up and go see dad in the morning, and then it's a frantic rush to get things together for my brother in law's wedding on Saturday. I can tell you this, Ava is going to be the most beautiful flower girl ever...that is if she decides she wants to walk down the aisle.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Please say and extra prayer...

I have alot to update you on about how things went at the doctor yesterday, but I just got a call from my brother and they just rushed my dad to the ER because he was complaining of chest pains. I'm off to the hospital now, and I don't know what's going on exactly but if you don't care to say an extra prayer for us. As if we needed anything else to go wrong at this point. I guess I should at least point out that I still have no fluid, but baby is alive and is now only measuring 5 days behind as opposed to 9 days behind from the last appointment. I'll explain everything in detail as soon as I can.

I guess all of this definately falls into the category of "when it rains, it pours..."

Monday, November 05, 2007

Short and to the point

This one will be short but I wanted to update on what's going on. I go tomorrow for my follow up ultrasound, and then to my OB to discuss options at this point. I don't expect things to change but things that are making it difficult on me is that even though I have no amniotic fluid, we have already exceeded expectations in that the baby is still fighting, and still alive. I made an emergency call to my doctor last Wednesday to have a look, because honestly I didn't feel pregnant anymore. And even though I still get an occasional roll or kick from this one, I still don't feel like I'm pregnant. Things are just so different now, I wish I could describe it.

The most disheartening thing was that when my husband asked him point blank if this baby had a chance to survive and the doctor said no. His advice was to go to dinner, have a beer and discuss where we want to go from here. So we decided to give it until Tuesday. So here we are, on the eve of what might be the biggest decision of our lives. I don't want to give up hope yet, but the smart part of me realizes that this is probably the end of this journey. I can't let this baby suffer any more. I can't suffer any more. The longer we wait, the harder it is going to be to let go. I know I shouldn't give up, and I want more than anything to prove these doctors wrong. But let's face it. They have seen this before, they know it has a grim outcome.

I don't want this post to seem disheartening and cold, because that's not how it's meant to come off. I have cried so many tears these past two weeks, and I'm sure there are more to come. This baby is wanted more than I ever realized, and having all of this happen has just solidified our desire to try again. We want this baby, we love this baby, but we have also mentally and physically prepared ourselves for the worst. It's what we have to do. I don't think anyone can every fully prepare for these things, but it's the hand that's been dealt, and there's not a whole lot we can do. I will come out of this a stronger person, there's no doubt about that. The best thing that can happen tomorrow is that they tell us there has been a change, and there's something else we can do. The worst thing is that they admit me to the hospital, and we start labor. Either way, I'm at peace, and I know I'll survive. We will have two angels looking out for and taking care of us.

And to top it all off my daughter is a flower girl for the first time on Saturday night and I will be damned if I miss it. She is my world, and I love her more and more each day.

Friday, November 02, 2007

I'm tagging myself

I've seen this meme going around, and instead of another depressing post about the drama in my life, I thought I would do something a little different.

1. What kind of SOAP is in your bathtub right now? Mango and Pomegranate by Softsoap

2. Do you have any watermelon in your refrigerator? Nope, hate watermelon. Don't throw stones at me, I know I'm weird. But you try puking it up and see if it sounds good to you??

3. What would you change about your living room? I wish we had a mantle. Where the hell is Santa going to stop if I can't hang my stockings?

4. Are the dishes in your dishwasher clean or dirty? They were dirty but I loaded the dishwasher tonight.

5. What is in your fridge? A bunch of crap. Milk, condiments, lots of leftover that probably have mold growing on them, applesauce, jello, pudding, and a bubba keg filled with vodka and something. It was the last alcoholic drink I had so you can imagine how long it's been sitting in there.

6. White or wheat bread? Right now white, but I think that's a pregnancy thing.

7. What is on top of your refrigerator? A bag of tortilla chips

8. What color or design is on your shower curtain? We have a stand up shower so no shower curtain

9. How many plants are in your home? None! I can't even keep dead ones looking nice.

10. Is your bed made right now? No, what's the point in making it when you spend most of the afternoon laying in it.

11. Comet or Soft Scrub? Comet. Stuff stinks but boy does it work.

.12. Is your closet organized? Now that I don't share with my husband you bet it is.

13. Can you describe your flashlight? We have too many to list. The only one I can think of is big and yellow.

14. Do you drink out of glass or plastic most of the time at home? Glass.

15. Do you have iced tea made in a pitcher right now? I wish. Too lazy to get up and make any.

16. If you have a garage, is it cluttered? Not really cluttered, but I still can't park my car in there which really pisses me off.

17. Curtains or blinds? Plantation blinds only right now. I'll do curtains someday.

18. How many pillows do you sleep with? Usually 2, but sometimes 3 if I can steal one away from my husband.

19. Do you sleep with any lights on at night? Nope just the TV. Can't sleep without it.

20. How often do you vacuum? Well, seeing as I have a dog, a cat, and hard wood floors I should vacuum every day. Pre-pregnancy it was getting done every other day. Now??? I'm lucky to do it every two weeks. Gross I know. You don't have to tell me about it.

21. Standard toothbrush or electric? Regular. My child's latest obsession is toothbrushes, so I would have to donate a kidney if we had to keep buying new electric ones.

22. What color is your toothbrush? Right now it's pink, but it will probably end up in the toilet tomorrow so who knows what the next color will be.

23. Do you have a welcome mat on your front porch? It doesn't say welcome but I do have a mat. I also have one leading to the deck that's covered in Martini glasses and says "Cheers."

24. What is in your oven right now? The racks, my Pamp.ered Chef Pi.zza Stone and another piece of stoneware.

25. Is there anything under your bed? Yep. A suitcase, hairballs and a couple piles of cat vomit. I know, it's disgusting. I have to hear about it every day. But the dog can't fit under there and he's better than any vacuum at getting that stuff up.

26. Chore you hate doing the most? LAUNDRY. Enough said.

27. What retro items are in your home? None anymore since we pretty much bought all new furniture when we moved.

28. Do you have a separate room that you use as an office? Actually yeah, although right now it is used for miscellaneous crap storage while the furniture that is supposed to go in there is sitting in the garage collecting dust.

29. How many mirrors are in your home? One in each bathroom (4) one by the back door, one in master bedroom, so 6??

30. Do you have any hidden emergency money around your home? I'm sure my husband has some hidden in his safe, but I'm not allowed to have the code.

31. What color are your walls? This could take a while. Master bedroom is yellow, master bath is beige, hallways are beige, living room/dining room is green, kitchen is what I call diarrhea brown (but it's really pretty I promise!), half bath is beige, Ava's room is pink, her bathroom is green, guest room is beige, basement and basement bathroom are beige, one bedroom in basement is pink/green with pink/green stripes, and the other bedroom in the basement is purple/gray with purple/gray stripes

32. Do you keep any kind of protection weapons in your home? Are you kidding?? My husband has been hunting for 20 years. We have more guns than all branches of the military combined. I'm kidding of course, but we do have quite a few. They are locked up with the exception of one handgun that he keeps in the armoire in our room. I didn't grow up with guns in the house so to say it makes me nervous is an understatement.

33. What does your home smell like right now? Right now it has the fresh, aromatic lovely smell of sulfur. Our friggin septic system is at it again.

34. Favorite candle scent? Cinnamon, pumpkin spice, or anything apple. I'm all about fall/winter scents.

35. What kind of pickles (if any) are in your refrigerator right now? Dill of course!

36. What color is your favorite Bible? Umm...my favorite Bible?? The only one I have is the one my sorority gave me in college and it's white.

37. Ever been on your roof? Not recently, but I did used to get up on my parents roof and help my dad clean out the gutters when I was younger.

38. Do you own a stereo? Nope

39. How many TVs do you have? Too many. We have 6. One in the bedroom, one in the living room, one in the kitchen, 2 in the basement...one in the main part and one over by the workout equipment and one in my step sons room.

40. How many house phones? We have one main base with two extra remote bases....so 3.

41. Do you have a housekeeper? Shit I wish. Don't think I won't have one someday because I will. It's a lifelong dream of mine.

42. What style do you decorate in? I suck at decorating. I steal alot of ideas from Po.ttery Barn and buy the stuff at Tar.get or the Cra.te and Bar.rel

43. Do you like solid colors in furniture or prints? Normally solids, however my new double chaise lounge is striped and I'm completely in love with it. I'm sure I'll be sick of it in a few years, but maybe by then I can afford a slip cover.

44. Is there a smoke detector in your home? In every room of the house. However one needed a new battery about a month ago. Is it sad that I don't even notice the beeping anymore??

I do have more stuff to post about what's going on with the baby though. That to come soon....

Tuesday, October 30, 2007


In case I'm not able to post for a bit, I'll leave you with something really scary for your Halloween.

I hope everyone has a good one.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Hope and Acceptance

I've been trying to get this post up for a couple of days, and I just can't seem to find the right balance of what I want to say. First of all I am speechless as to how to thank all of your for your endearing words of kindness and support. I am blown away at the responses that I got, and it has honestly helped me get through what so far has been the roughest week I can remember. I wish I had time to individually thank each and every one of you, but seeing as how my very active 19 month old doesn't think it's fair that I get to play on the computer when she can't, you can imagine I have very little time to myself.

I finally had a nice 30 minute discussion with my OB on Thursday. I tried to ask questions that I still had, best and possible options, and where do we go from here. As of then (and I guess as of right now) the baby is still alive, so even though the chances are slim that this is going to have a good outcome, we aren't ready to throw in the towel just yet. He asked me how I felt about delivering a baby with a heartbeat, and I can't, I won't, so we have decided to let nature take its course. I know what is probably inevitably going to happen, I am going to have to say goodbye to my baby but both the doctor and I would feel more comfortable if we gave it everything we have. So at this point he wants me to wait until my next ultrasound next Tuesday. Try telling that to my nerves because they are pretty much shot right now.

I have so many emotions going through me right now. I'm exhausted, sad, overwhelmed, mad but more than anything I'm scared. I'm scared how I'm really going to react to this once it is over. How am I going to grieve. How am I going to feel when this baby is no longer a part of me. I am not one that wears my emotions on my sleeve. I rarely cry in front of people. I like to pretend that I'm the strong one but inside I'm dying, I just want someone to take the pain away. As much as I'm ready for this to be over so I can begin to move on with my life, I want to cherish every minute I have because I don't know when it will be the last. But no matter how hard it is to be strong right now, I don't have a choice. I have to be there for my daughter, my husband, my family, but most importantly I have to be strong for this baby because as of right now it's still fighting. And that's more than enough motivation to keep me going.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Sorry for the delay

I know you guys are anxious to hear the results. Bottom line is I have no good news. They were not able to determine the sex, because I have absolutely no amniotic fluid surrounding the baby. Basically this pregnancy is over and all I can do now is sit and wait.

I sat in the doctors office for 2 and half fucking hours and as soon as the tech started things I knew they were bad. I've been through these before and she could barely get measurements on anything because the baby had no where to go. The worst part??? The baby's heart is beating, the skull is formed, the spine is perfect...the things I was worried about are not even a concern. Reasons for concern?? Other than the fluid...the fact that they can see can see the umbilical cord but not the stomach. His thought was that it was not in the right place. Another reason that my AFP tests were high could possibly be a problem with the abdominal wall cavity. The reason for no fluid?? No bladder production. They asked me several times if I thought I was leaking fluid? Don't you think a normal person would know if they were??? He made it seem like I wasn't telling them the truth on that. He then realized that the placenta probably wasn't doing it's job. Because it's attached to the other baby's placenta, it's a possibility that when the other baby died it caused the other to stop working. And I'm also only measuring 17 weeks, 0 days when I'm supposed to be almost 18 1/2 weeks along. So you can see that we've determined that this pregnancy was just not meant to be. I'm beyond devastated. I can't even explain to you how I feel right now. My heart literally aches. All I know is before I could muster up the strength to shed one tear I could hear Matthew on the side of me start to lose it. Then I lost it, and then my mom lost it. It's just so incredibly unfair that after all of this I still have nothing to show for it.

He told me all the thing that can potentially go wrong, stillbirth, preterm labor, pre-eclampysia, various other things that can damage my health...I could go on but I don't want to. He even mentioned something about ovarian cysts but I never heard another word about it so I have no idea if that's something to be concerned about or not.

So when I tried to get my composure back I asked him at this point what my options were. I either a.) come back in two weeks and see if the fluid MIRACULOUSLY reappears (which apparently based on his experience isn't going to) or b.) I opt to go into the hospital, have my labor induced, to give birth to a live baby who will not make it. I mean pardon the language but what the fuck am I supposed to do? I don't think I can make it another two weeks for them to tell me what I already know. I just wish someone would tell me what to do. Matthew thinks that from what he saw of the heartbeat it was slow, so maybe God is making the decision for me but I cannot in my right mind do that to a live baby. I can't. I have already "given birth" to a dead baby at home, I don't ever want to have to go through that again and I'm going to have to. It's not fair, it's just not fair. I'm not a bad person so why is this happening to me?

I intend to talk to my Dr. first thing in the morning and I hope at that point he can give me some direction because I have never felt so lost in my life. I KNOW people go through this all the time, and I actually have friends who have been through worse, I'm just throwing myself a pity party right now because it's the only thing I know to do.

I don't know when I'll blog again. I don't want this to be a blog about my losses, I still have a great life. I have a wonderful husband, the most perfect little girl who I love and appreciate more now than ever, and an equally supporting family. I want to be able to focus on the positive on my life so when I feel like I'm able to share those again I will. Hopefully it won't be too long and in the meantime I hope I don't lose you all as readers. And I will be reading you :) And wishing those of you who are on your journeys through pregnancy nothing but the best!

Wanna play a game??

So today's the big day, the day we find out if we're having a boy or a girl, but more importantly the day that we hopefully hear that the baby is healthy. That is really all I care about right now anyways.

I've never done an audience participation post so here's where you come in. I wanna know your opinions. Do you think I'm having a boy or a girl? I'll do the big reveal later but only after I get 10 comments with your guesses. Come on people, 10 comments. Is that so much to ask?

In other news, the stomach flu/virus is ripping through this family like wildfire. It started with my mom, then me and my husband and now Ava has a touch of it, bottom end style. Curious to see what my weight is today as I was pretty much unable to eat anything for 2 days. But as I sit here eating my McDo.nalds breakfast I think it's safe to assume the worst is behind me.

Wish me luck, in 3 short hours we'll know!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

When life gives you a lemon, make vodka and lemonade

Yeah I'm here. I know you all are sitting on the edge of your seats wondering what to expect next. Well the neverending challenges of this pregnancy keep coming at me. Things were going good until I got the call on Tuesday. The call that will again keep me from sleeping or enjoying a minute of life until my ultrasound on Tuesday. My Doctor called Tuesday afternoon to inform me that my AFP test came back high for Neur.al Tu.be De.fects. He assured me that he's confident based on the pathology of the dead baby that this is a direct reflection of that. I am also comforted by the fact that if he was overly concerned I would have been in his office that day. It still doesn't make it any easier on me. Yes I know these tests produce many false positives, yes I know that at the time the blood work was taken I was probably still carrying hormones from the other baby. I also know that as we weren't planning to have a baby this soon I was NOT taking pre-natal vitamins. I did start choking them down the day I found out, but there were some days at the early stages I couldn't choke them down. I just have to try to have as little faith as I have left that everything still is okay. We will know for sure on Tuesday but knowing all of the what ifs takes all the fun out of finding out the sex of this baby. All I am concerned about now is that it is healthy. And considering this is the last time I am going through this, I was hoping to at least be able to enjoy a little bit about being pregnant. So far we've struck out big time in that area.

In other totally irrrelevant news, things haven't been all that bad here. My child FINALLY decided that she can indeed get faster places if she walks. Sure she's been taking a few steps for weeks, but the other night we were out to dinner at the clubhouse where my dad plays golf, and she just took off, all the way across the room, and never looked back. That's my girl. I knew she had it in her! She still prefers to crawl but at least we're getting there. Now if the dog would only get out of her way...

Knowing me I won't post again until the weekend is over. Thankfully I have a busy one planned. Matthew is having his 20th, yep 20th High School Reunion this weekend (I love teasing him about that) so there's all kinds of crap, I mean stuff going on. Not really looking forward to much of it except Keen.land on Sunday, but seeing as my favorite thing to do out there is chug the ice cold beer, I might be in for a long afternoon. He's also dragging me to some picnic on Saturday which is forcing me to miss my beloved Cats kick the crap out of the Gators. Does he realize what a good wife I am??? Because seriously, I don't miss football games for just anybody.

**Just got a message from the nurse at my Doctor's office saying my blood work came back normal??? WTF. God I'm so confused

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Swoosh, swoosh, swoosh, swoosh...

A strong 158 beats a minute, honestly the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. Belly growth right on track, a whopping 6 pounds gained and 6 vials of my blood now belong to the lovely people in white lab coats. Mom's happy, dad's happy and Doctor is happy...what more could I ask for! I even got a faint little flutter as I was getting ready to hop on the table. It's just been a great day.

Today's the day

If you are thinking about it at 2:30 ish, say a quick prayer for us. We have yet to actually "hear" a heartbeat due to the obscene number of ultrasounds I've had, so I'm hoping today is the day! And if all goes well, in just two short weeks we'll get to find out what this little bugger is.

Wish me luck!

Thursday, October 04, 2007

One last thing and then I'm moving on...

My super ahhhsome doctor called Wednesday to check on me, but to also let me know that they did some preliminary testing on the baby we lost and they determined that it did not have a breastbone, and the ribs were not in the right place. So basically it had nothing to protect it's heart and if it would have survived, it would not have had an easy life on the outside. He also briefly mentioned something called Turn.er's Syn.drome and although I only did a little bit of research, I learned that it only affects females and am now beginning to wonder if we indeed lost a girl. Definitely a question I'm going to ask next week. While I'm definitely comforted to know that this was caused by a chromosomal anomaly and not something that I did, it upsets me to know that I'm an now a statistic.

On a totally different note, and one in which probably deserves it's own post but I'm too lazy right now to do that, Ava had her 18 month check up last week. All is well, except the little squirt weighs about the same that she did at 15 months. A whopping 21 pounds. It appears that all the chicken nuggets, french fries, and hot dogs that I've been feeding her have only made her mommy fatter. Not fair indeed.

All joking aside, she's really changing alot and I know that's what they do at this stage, but I just can't get over how much of a person she is. She's really good now at communicating what she wants to us, and she's even better at showing us when she's really pissed off. I can't even list all of her new words because she has about 10 new ones a day. She's starting to interact with the dog alot more, and she now calls him "Harwee" instead of puppa. She frequently shows her disgust with him by pushing him aside, and the other day she even smacked him on the nose screaming "no" at him because he ate her chicken nugget. She looks more and more like her daddy every day and acts more and more like her mommy. And I know we will pay dearly for that later. She's still really not walking much. She can, and we've seen her do it, she just has absolutely no interest in it right now. But give the child a ladder and she will be up it faster than you can scream "shit." Oh, and did you know that she can now climb right on out of her crib? Because she can. I found her playing on the floor the other morning when I went to get her out of bed. Do you think it would be child abuse if I gently handcuffed her to the sides, because I'm not quite ready to put her in the toddler bed, and even if I was I have no idea where the instructions are to change it.

She starts a mother's day out program on Monday and I'm really looking forward to it. I have no idea how she's going to handle it but I'm all about having 4 hours to myself. Can you say toddler free time at the grocery store? Oh I can hear angels singing now. It's going to be nice to put the frozen stuff on the conveyor belt without having to explain why it looks like a mouse got a hold of everything I have. I'm also hoping that it entices her to WALK. She passed her August deadline, and she's a flower girl in a wedding next month and I'll be damned if she doesn't walk down that aisle. I refused to push my 19 month old child in a wagon. Not gonna do it.

I guess that's it. 5 more days until we hopefully get to hear the heartbeat on our other baby. I guess the good news is that since all of this has happened, I have felt 1000 times better. No more headaches, no more backache, no more nausea (for the most part) and my appetite has returned with a vengeance. I guess I should have listened to my body that was telling me something was wrong. Naturally I just didn't want to believe it. And now I'm anxiously, and impatiently waiting for that first kick, a sign that all is well in there.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

The Rest of the Story

What, you thought that was it?? So did I, but apparently my body had/has other plans for me. But before I get to it, I just want to thank everyone for the comments and emails last week. This has been a very tough time for my family and I, and I sincerely appreciate each and every one of you. I'm not usually a sappy person but I was brought to tears several times. I needed it.

Moving on, just so you have been warned, this part gets a tad graphic, if you are the slightest faint of heart you might want to skip this post all together. It's super long and detailed, but it's what happened, and even though I want to put it at the back of my mind, I never want to forget what happened.

So obviously Tuesday was rough, Wednesday was a little better emotionally and then Thursday I woke up with a sense of calm. I just felt better about the situation,and I started to realize that this did happen for a reason, whatever reason that is I'll never know but it happened and I was dealing with it. We knew we were lucky to still have one very special baby. Fast forward to late Thursday night. I still had the bleeding on and off, and I wasn't worried because both Doctors told me that would probably happen for a while. What they didn't prepare me for was what happened next. I woke up at about 3 AM to some mild cramping. Again I wasn't worried as this was something to be expected. Then the cramping got worse, then I noticed a pattern. This wasn't cramping I was having full blown contractions. Not the kind that you generally experience during a full term labor, but they were there, coming every 4 minutes or so and lasting about 30 seconds. I knew I should have called the doctor at that point, but I also kept thinking that if I just laid on my side and drank some water they might go away. They finally did and about 6:00 AM I was able to get comfortable enough to go back to sleep. Somehow my husband slept through this. I woke him up a time or two, but being the man he is he turned right over and went back to sleep.

When I got up again I noticed I had to go to the bathroom (surprise) and this is when it happened. I peed and felt something strange come out, I thought it was some sort of clot, but when I realized that it was not in the toilet but still attached to my body, I knew, I just knew. My baby, my sweet baby was hanging there between my legs. I did not know what to do, I wanted to scream, I wanted to throw up, I wanted to get the scissors and cut it away but I quickly got my senses and yelled for my husband. I told him what I thought had happened, he didn't believe me and I gradually got the courage up to let him take a look. It was indeed our baby. At this point I could only hope it was the one that had already passed away. By looking at it I knew it had to be. I paged my Dr. (thankfully he gave me his pager number earlier because the office was not open yet and I had no way of getting in touch with him, and I really didn't feel like dealing with the on call Dr. at 8:15 in the morning.) and I had to sit there until he called back. I had no idea what to do. He called back about 5 minutes later and wanted us to come to his office right away, but I could tell that he had no idea what to say to me. At this point I had no idea how were going to do this. So I put on a hefty pad, laid a washcloth in my underwear and gently placed the baby in a place where I would not sit on it. I had to touch it, and I can't even describe it. I don't want to. I don't want to think about that very moment ever again, but I know I will because it is forever etched into my mind. It was the most uncomfortable and nauseating car ride I have ever had in my life. We couldn't get there fast enough.

By the time we did I started to get undressed and it came loose, so I gently left it on the washcloth, laid a paper towel over it and sat on the chair and waited. I know we weren't in there for that long but it seemed like forever. My Dr. came in told me how sorry he was that I had to witness that, gave me a big hug and then got to work. He wanted to make sure I wasn't dilated, so after probing and prodding he determined that if I had dilated over night, I wasn't anymore. Good sign, good sign. He then got out the ultrasound machine and proceeded to do the uncomfortable kind to double check the status of my cervix and the status of Baby A. At this point I was going through my 6th, yep 6th ultrasound. My insurance company loves me I'm sure. The first thing we see is no movement from my good baby. Although the last two times I've seen this baby on screen it's been active as hell, he reassures me and tells me not to worry. Babies do rest sometimes. All I see is the baby laying in the same position that Baby B was in on Tuesday. He doesn't see an immediate heartbeat. I looked at him with tears and my eyes said "it's over isn't it,", my husband said nothing, and the doctor kept saying "this isn't supposed to happen this way, this isn't supposed to happen." And then silence, more prodding, and as I'm closing my eyes I hear him say "hold on, hold on, hold on. There's heart motion right there." And at that point I saw the most beautiful thing, heart motion and hands moving.

So, as of right now my little fighter is holding strong. I go back in a week for my 16 week checkup and hopefully we will hear a heartbeat at that point and we can move on. Until then I can only keep praying that things will work out.

I just wish someone would have prepared me for that. No one, NO ONE should have to go through what I went through. I do however think that it has helped me put some closure on that situation. I was able to see, and touch the baby that I was lucky enough to have for 14 weeks. I was able to see it's head, eyes, ears, legs, arms and even butt. It had the cutest little butt. I say it because I was not willing to look and see what the sex was. It didn't matter to me anyways. All I know is we have one strong healthy fighter left, and we will never forget the one that left us too soon. I know that he/she is up watching us and taking care of us. Right now that seems to be the glue that is holding me together.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

The one that I never wanted to have to write

Well I thought I probably better give an update. I want to thank everyone who has sent good thoughts, they don't go unnoticed and I am going to need all I can get over the next few weeks. I've tried to make this as coherent as possible, so if it's jumbled or doesn't make sense, I'm sure you will understand.

The bleeding was off and on, just when it would stop it would start again heavier than it did before, so I called the doctor and went on in this afternoon. I kept telling myself that this was probably nothing to worry about, everything would be okay, just a little bleeding...crazy placenta placement or something. So I get there and he gets out the ultrasound machine and told me I get the award for most photographed unborn baby. This was going to be my 4th ultrasound after all. So things get going and "baby A" was moving, not as much as last time but enough to put my heart at ease. Then he gets to "baby B" and there was no movement. No worries he tells me, baby could just be taking a break. After searching for 5 of the longest minutes of my life, he can't locate the heartbeat. Says his machine isn't that detailed and he couldn't get the right angle. I should have known at this point I should be concerned. He also did the agonizing cervical check, no dilation so that's was a good sign. But he decides at this point to send me down to the Perinatal Diagnostic Center where they specialize in high risk pregnancies, and they have better equipment and can get better views and measurements there. So I go down there and wait, and wait, I think probably an hour went by before they finally called me back. I should have been smart at this time and called Matthew to come and be with me, but I still kept telling myself that everything was going to be OK.

I'm starting a new paragraph because this is going to be long. So the tech finally gets started. Not a super friendly lady for sure, and not one for talking. I always try to lighten the mood when things are tense and she just kept on doing what she was doing. She waves the wand over both babies, stops on the second one for a second and starts immediately going back and getting "baby A's" measurements. From what I could tell everything looked great there. Then the doctor came in and said something and left, and she ran out of the room after him. At this point, I knew. I just knew. The doctor finally comes in a little later and they go over all of "baby A's" measurements and it's actually measuring 14 weeks 6 days so 3 days ahead of where my last ultrasound said. I am taking this as a good sign. Then he politely, but honestly tells me that the reason they couldn't find a heartbeat on the second baby upstairs is that because there isn't one. He tells me he has no explanation other than there was probably something wrong chromasomally. By looking at the baby he saw no outward abnormalities. He also told me that although it is not uncommon, it was a little unusual for a twin to be lost in the second trimester. I know that it's not uncommon, and I knew that I was a greater risk because of there being 2, but I really thought once we hit 12 weeks we were in the clear. At this moment he also tells me that while baby A looks great, we're not out of the woods yet and I still could possibly lose that one too. I felt so alone. I had no one there to tell me it was going to be okay, just the doctor and the tech and all of their technical words. All I wanted to do was cry but I put on my brave face. I could see my lifeless baby just laying there, and while it was so hard for me to see, it looked so peaceful. Because I am still pregnant with another they will not be able to tell me what happened. They can't do a D & C so no tests can be run. They wouldn't even tell me when it died, and I should have asked if it was a boy or a girl but I just couldn't stomach that. My biggest fear had just been confirmed to me and I had no idea how to react. I literally felt like I had been kicked in the face and all I kept thinking was how hard the last 10 weeks have been on me physically and it was not fair to take this away from me. I mean just TWO weeks ago I saw this same lifeless body bouncing all over the place. And naturally any mother's first instinct is to blame them self. What did I do wrong, how could I have changed this and the bottom line is I did nothing wrong. Or so he says. He claims that if I had done something wrong both would have suffered and since the other was thriving he is convinced it was chromosomal. I know it's for the best, and as much as I hate the phrase right now I know this had a purpose behind it. Maybe one had to die so the other could make it, but not knowing is the hardest part.

I finally got out of there, found the nearest bench and lost it. I cried so hard I could barely catch my breath. I had to wait for 15 minutes to call Matthew, I did pretty good on the phone call to him but I lost it when I called my mom. Is it sad that I wanted to see her more than Matthew at the time?? But I just couldn't see anyone. I asked her if she could keep Ava for one more night and of course they said yes.

I don't want her to see mommy so upset. She has been going up to the u/s pics on the refrigerator and points and says baby! And when I ask her how many she says "two" while holding up two fingers. I just can't do that right now. And all I want to do is hold her and kiss her, but right now it's best for her to be around happy people, and mommy and daddy are just not happy right now.

I go back to my OB in 2 weeks and the perinatal for another ultrasound in 4 weeks, so please keep us in your thoughts. It's going to be a rough couple of weeks until we get through this. As I'm typing this, I'm starting to feel the onset of the cramping and contracting, something I never wished would happen. I can only pray that our remaining baby is strong enough to survive this, because right now I don't know that I am.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

The one where I bitch a little - Updated

Because honestly, I don't have much of anything positive to say. I've been in a never ending whirlwind of something new, and I just want a break from it all.

1. I'm tired of cleaning up dog shit. I could remedy that by taking the dog to the vet but that would constitute taking a shower and leaving the house.
2. I'm tired of listening to my husband bitch because he doesn't have any clean socks or underwear. He's 38, knows where the washing machine is, he isn't pregnant and is more than capable of doing his own laundry.
3. I'm also tired of husband bitching because I might have "accidentally" forgotten to check his dress pants pocket and missed a tube of chap stick that has now ruined them. The only thing I check pants for is money. Again, old enough and plenty capable of washing them himself.
4. I'm tired of feeling like my head is going to implode on itself every time I move.
5. I'm tired of coughing every 2 - 3 minutes which also makes head feel like it's going to implode.
6. I'm tired of taking pills to relieve the things that ail me.
7. I'm tired of gagging every time I take a pill.
8. I'm tired of feeling inadequate as a mother because I just don't have the energy to do the things I need to do with her.
9. I'm tired of leaving it up to my parents to take her because I never know when Matthew is going to be home.
10. I'm tired of cancelling play dates, and walks and doing things I want to do just because that would entail taking a shower and that just takes too much energy.
11. I'm tired of having no appetite. Eating has become as stressful for me as being a mom. I'm having a harder time eating now then when I was in the throes of morning sickness (which still hasn't COMPLETELY gone away either)
12. I'm tired of taking out my frustrations on everyone and everything around me. It's not fair for my husband, child and dog to suffer just because I am.
13. I'm tired of complaining but that's all I feel like I doing.
14. I'm tired of my house being a mess. (I know, I know...it's a minor thing but I'm a neat freak.)
15. I'm tired of listening to my husband bitch about the kitty litter that's on the floor. AGAIN, big boy knows where the vacuum is and is perfectly capable of doing it himself. I am after all the one who is cleaning the litter box out even though I'm not supposed to and he knows that.
16. I'm tired of getting an average of 5 hours of sleep a night. Yes, I'm fully aware that you aren't supposed to sleep good during pregnancy but at this point I should be at least comfortable enough to get some good hours. Not so much. I think the same person who hit me in the head with a sledgehammer must have thought it would be funny to hit me in the back too.
17. I'm tired of listening to my husband complain about having a sore neck because he needs a new pillow. Bite me, seriously, bite me.
18. I'm tired of crying at the drop of a pin. Damn hormones are sending me over the edge this time.

Ok I'm done bitching. And before you start thinking that my husband is an awful person, he's not. He's really not. He works really hard so that I don't have to, and I love him with all my heart for that. He also has a son that needs his attention just as much as we do. He just seems to be an easy target to take this out on. I read so many blogs where the husband is so hands on, and is a great dad and I'm not saying that Matthew isn't, he's just not around as much as I would like and about 90% of the time I feel like I'm raising her alone. Most weekends are spent doing things with his 13 year old son, and alot of nights he gets home late due to business meetings. So I am home with her alot, and that's why I send her off to my parents to spend the night so much because right now I just can't handle her by myself all the time. Tonight I cried when my dad said he was bringing her home because I was secretly hoping that she could stay one more night. How awful of a mom does that make me????

Secondly, I'm probably really emotional right now too because I started bleeding Friday night. Not heavy, and nothing that seems to be of any concern right now, but nevertheless when I noticed it Friday night it scared the shit out of me and I got about 0 hours of sleep. Per Dr's orders I am supposed to wear pads to track the amount, call them back if it gets heavy like a period or start cramping and do AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE. Now someone tell me how that's going to happen when I'm home alone with my child???? Matthew knows all of this too and I guess he's not as worried as me. Every little twinge I feel down there freaks me out, and all of a sudden in my head my brain is telling me that no appetite probably means I'm not pregnant anymore. I know, I know...things would be happening if that were the case. Right now I would give anything for a flutter, kick, anything to let me know that things are OK. I'm thinking he's probably going to call me tomorrow to come in, and if he does it will be the greatest thing to peak my mood, and if he doesn't I might just call them because I can't wait another two weeks to see what's going on.

So that's it for now. I promise the next post will be upbeat because I've been nominated by two lovely ladies for two special awards and I want to thank them for that.

**As of this morning, the bleeding appears to have stopped. Apparently the bitching gods were listening last night and decided to grant me some wishes because my neverending headache is a little better too. And it's taken me almost 30 minutes to eat a biscuit so I see all of that as a good sign. I called and left a message for the nurse at the Drs office letting her know things were better, so they may or may not want me to come in. And I THINK, THINK I might have felt a small flutter this morning when I was laying in bed. I'm sure it was probably a gas bubble because it's still sort of early, but hey a girl can dream right?? **

Tuesday, September 18, 2007


Not much of a post, just something that I have to document.

Tonight Matthew did his nightly ritual of trying to get Ava to walk to him, the child just won't have any of it. He looked at her and told her that her baby brothers/baby sisters will be walking before she will.

Wanna know what she said? With her hand near her mouth and a smirk on her face, she uttered the word "whatever."

God she's more like me everyday.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Brainfart = No title

I have been nominated for an award!! YAY, and that's next on my list, but I gotta get this out, because it's been one of those days.

First off, I feel like shit. Total and utter crap. Not the pukey kind, that's gone, the kind in the form of never ending snot, sneezing every 10 or so minutes, throat that feels like sandpaper kind of shit. And the one crappy thing about being pregnant is that I can't load myself up on Ny.Quil and other comatose causing drugs that I like to take. Am left with a choice of Bena.dryl (which I clearly have a tolerance for now), Sud.afed, which makes me jittery and a few other things I can't even remember. So you can imagine that since I got about 2 hours of sleep between the coughing, sneezing, stuffy head, fever that I COULD NOT REST without medicine, I was in rare form today.

So I had planned to go to the mall today to get something to wear for a wedding I'm going to tomorrow. Let's face it, things aren't fitting so hot these days. Too big to wear normal clothes, too small for maternity clothes. So I am going to try again to hit the mall tomorrow, and if I don't make it out, then I'm gonna throw on my Spa.nx and put on a little black dress that I have. I can already tell you what it's going to look like, and it won't be pretty.

Second of all, my house has been smelling like shit for about 3 days. Literally. I kept looking in corners, under things, anywhere thinking one of the pets, or even Ava had left me a little present somewhere. But even I am smart enough to know that the smell of pet shit does go away after a while. This was clearly getting worse. This afternoon my dad came to cut bushes and help weed my landscaping. I am not an outside gal, I don't mow, I don't weed, I don't plant flowers, in fact I'm pretty good at killing things. But my dad loves that crap so he came out to help. So as we walk in the house I mention to him about the smell, and it was at about this time that I slipped in something and almost fell on my ass. Yep you guessed it, my super awesome dog was at it again. Shit...all over my shoes, and now all over the floor. So my dad gets a plastic bag and starts helping me pick it up when he misses a spot and steps in it. So now we have dog shit tracked all over my kitchen floor. Nice. I swear my dog is trained. Won't pee in the house if I left him alone for 12 hours, but leave him alone for an hour? And he shits everywhere.

So that was still not the root of the smell. Matthew and I came home from dinner tonight, he went to the basement to go to the bathroom, and I went to the one upstairs (pregnant women = need to pee every 15 minutes). He starts screaming at me, I go downstairs, and there's sewer, and shit literally spraying all over our walls. We are on a septic system where I live, not sewer, so I guess maybe it's full??? I don't know, all I know is the room where the pump is now covered in icky brown goo, and who wants to bet that after we have someone come out and fix it I'll be the one on my hands and knees cleaning it up. And now I've been told by my husband that until we have someone come out here, no flushing toilets, no running water, etc. Gonna be an interesting day and night indeed. I thought moving into a new house meant that we wouldn't have problems like this. Big fat wrongo. In the 3 months we've been here, we've had a leaky toilet that ran into the basement, a broken air conditioner, and now shit flying on the walls.

So I'm off to try to medicate myself in any way possible. My gracious parents offered to keep Miss Priss tonight so I can catch some zzz's, or snot, or whatever.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Sweet Relief

Today has been a really good day. Not only have I NOT felt like I was going to throw up, but all of my fears were quickly calmed after a good visit at the doctor. You gotta love my doctor. As soon as he opens the door and sees Matthew and I sitting there, he just starts giggling. It's as if he knows exactly how to break the ice.

I was fully expecting the Doppler today to hear the heartbeats, but we got to do better than that. He decided that since Matthew was with me today, he wanted to take a "peak" inside and check. This delighted me, and also scared the living shit out of me. Any of you that have children can probably relate that until you hear that heartbeat for the very first time, there is a small part of you that thinks that something could be wrong. And with me carrying twins, the chances automatically go up. And it probably doesn't help that I've spent countless hours on Dr. Google this week making me think things could be really bad. But to our delight, these babies decided that this afternoon was a great time to put on a show. They were not only moving, they were bouncing all over the place. It's as if they were using my uterus as their own personal trampoline. Both of them, moving, heartbeats going strong. I've never been so happy and relieved. It's just so bizarre to look and see what's going on INSIDE of you, especially since they are still so small but so active, yet you can't feel a thing. Matthew was beside himself. We saw faces, legs, arms flailing, really just a beautiful site. So right now all is good. We go back in 4 weeks but we probably will NOT find out the sex until 20 weeks. Totally bummed, but I'll survive.

On a totally unrelated note, Ava got a baby doll many many months ago, and until today has not so much as peeked in it's direction. Today on the other hand, has been carrying that thing all over, saying baby, baby, baby, giving me the baby and them crawling up on my lap. I just wonder if she suspects something is up?????

Saturday, September 08, 2007


Does everyone see my ticker? Do ya, do ya?? See how it says I'm 12 weeks? Does that mean that this hell that they call the first trimester is coming to an end?? Lord I hope so.

My next appointment is Tuesday, and I am literally counting down the hours. I'm telling myself that all is well, but as you know nothing is as great as hearing that hearbeat, or heartbeats for the very first time. I probably won't sleep much until then.

I promise I do have a worthy post to write, but since no one's around on the weekends I know you can wait until Monday to read it.

Oh and I have the funniest video of Ava to put on, but lo and hehold Blogger is being a pain in the ass and it won't upload, so maybe I'll save that for a rainy day.

Friday, August 31, 2007

17 months, and pictures for your viewing pleasure

So my little precious Ava turned 17 months on Monday, so I'm a few days late getting to this. As usual this one is more for me than you, cuz I'd rather type than write in the baby book. And it's easier to type and eat popcorn than it is to write and eat popcorn.

This child is seriously wearing me out, but at the same time I'm having a total blast watching her change and grow on a daily basis. I swear to you she can crawl faster than some kids walk. Her knees are constantly black and calloused and I'm just waiting for her to literally just get up and run from me. Skip walking, go straight to running, do not pass GO, do not collect any money. But bless her heart she is TRYING so hard to walk. She just can't get the right balance and it frustrates her to no end. She stands up tries to take a step and then just falls down in a fit of tears, and it totally breaks my heart. So in an effort we do lots of finger walking, and she seems okay with that.

Vocally? She's a pro. Yep I'm gonna brag a bit. The child has over 30 words, too many that I honestly can't even count them all. New ones this month are below. And she actually knows what she's talking about when she says them, or at least I think she does.

Toe (says it while she takes a grab at my big toe)
Too bash (tooth brush)
Dink (drink)
Keys (obsessively points to key rack and yells until I give her the exact ones she wants)
Ban-tet (blanket - she has two that MUST go with us everywhere)
Pre-tty (sounds just like that, two very pronounced syllables. Points to herself in the mirror and says it, no idea where she learned that one)
Cute (pronounced more like cuuuuute - again, repeated when glancing at self in mirror, also repeated anytime I pull clothes out of her closet)
Too-tie (cookie - the person who taught her this needs to be punished. She's not stupid, she knows the difference between a cookie and a cracker.)
Mom (not really a new word, but I'm no longer mama. I'm flat out mom. Sounds so weird coming from a toddler)
Please and thank you (peas and dank ou - I'll take what I can get)

I think that's it, she's very good at repeating after us, but these are daily words around here.

I know I've mentioned it before but the child can and will climb on anything. Evidence below. And these are bar stools, so technically a little taller than a normal chair, and yes I took away the hand sanitizer from her before she could eat it.

She's a pro at undressing herself:

She has great organization skills (I did have this drawer insanely organized. You can see that she definitely does not have my OCD problem)

And she loves to get herself in challenging and difficult positions. Any one else think she needs to start some sort of gymnastics??

I just love this child more and more each day, and the thought of sharing her and not being able to focus all my time on her is terrifying and overwhelming. But there will also be a day when I look over and she's desperately trying to teach the twins something new, and I know my heart will burst with pride.

As for me, the past two days have been a nightmare. Everytime I think that I'm getting over this pukey crap, I have a setback. Yeah I know I'm "technically" still in the first trimester, and the second one can't come soon enough. I guess deep down I'm thankful that I'm feeling bad, because most of my other symptoms have all but gone away. Except for the peeing...every hour, which keeps me from sleeping which in turn makes me a bitter hag. I feel like a pill factory. I'm taking 2 Zo.fran a day, Tu.ms after almost every meal, and at night I'm usually taking Bena.dryl and a few times I've even taken Dram.amine. I can't sleep without them. When I was pregnant with Ava I think I took Tyl.enol MAYBE 2 times the entire pregnancy and that was it. I just can't do it this time. IAnd I'm praying that even though what I'm taking is considered safe, that my babies are able to come out alright. Oh and I'm also only taking Flinst.one Vitamins at this point. My doctor said it was okay, even though I still feel like I'm cheating myself. But they taste a heck of a lot better than regurgitated prenatals. Trust me.