I've been trying to get this post up for a couple of days, and I just can't seem to find the right balance of what I want to say. First of all I am speechless as to how to thank all of your for your endearing words of kindness and support. I am blown away at the responses that I got, and it has honestly helped me get through what so far has been the roughest week I can remember. I wish I had time to individually thank each and every one of you, but seeing as how my very active 19 month old doesn't think it's fair that I get to play on the computer when she can't, you can imagine I have very little time to myself.
I finally had a nice 30 minute discussion with my OB on Thursday. I tried to ask questions that I still had, best and possible options, and where do we go from here. As of then (and I guess as of right now) the baby is still alive, so even though the chances are slim that this is going to have a good outcome, we aren't ready to throw in the towel just yet. He asked me how I felt about delivering a baby with a heartbeat, and I can't, I won't, so we have decided to let nature take its course. I know what is probably inevitably going to happen, I am going to have to say goodbye to my baby but both the doctor and I would feel more comfortable if we gave it everything we have. So at this point he wants me to wait until my next ultrasound next Tuesday. Try telling that to my nerves because they are pretty much shot right now.
I have so many emotions going through me right now. I'm exhausted, sad, overwhelmed, mad but more than anything I'm scared. I'm scared how I'm really going to react to this once it is over. How am I going to grieve. How am I going to feel when this baby is no longer a part of me. I am not one that wears my emotions on my sleeve. I rarely cry in front of people. I like to pretend that I'm the strong one but inside I'm dying, I just want someone to take the pain away. As much as I'm ready for this to be over so I can begin to move on with my life, I want to cherish every minute I have because I don't know when it will be the last. But no matter how hard it is to be strong right now, I don't have a choice. I have to be there for my daughter, my husband, my family, but most importantly I have to be strong for this baby because as of right now it's still fighting. And that's more than enough motivation to keep me going.