Thursday, October 25, 2007

Hope and Acceptance

I've been trying to get this post up for a couple of days, and I just can't seem to find the right balance of what I want to say. First of all I am speechless as to how to thank all of your for your endearing words of kindness and support. I am blown away at the responses that I got, and it has honestly helped me get through what so far has been the roughest week I can remember. I wish I had time to individually thank each and every one of you, but seeing as how my very active 19 month old doesn't think it's fair that I get to play on the computer when she can't, you can imagine I have very little time to myself.

I finally had a nice 30 minute discussion with my OB on Thursday. I tried to ask questions that I still had, best and possible options, and where do we go from here. As of then (and I guess as of right now) the baby is still alive, so even though the chances are slim that this is going to have a good outcome, we aren't ready to throw in the towel just yet. He asked me how I felt about delivering a baby with a heartbeat, and I can't, I won't, so we have decided to let nature take its course. I know what is probably inevitably going to happen, I am going to have to say goodbye to my baby but both the doctor and I would feel more comfortable if we gave it everything we have. So at this point he wants me to wait until my next ultrasound next Tuesday. Try telling that to my nerves because they are pretty much shot right now.

I have so many emotions going through me right now. I'm exhausted, sad, overwhelmed, mad but more than anything I'm scared. I'm scared how I'm really going to react to this once it is over. How am I going to grieve. How am I going to feel when this baby is no longer a part of me. I am not one that wears my emotions on my sleeve. I rarely cry in front of people. I like to pretend that I'm the strong one but inside I'm dying, I just want someone to take the pain away. As much as I'm ready for this to be over so I can begin to move on with my life, I want to cherish every minute I have because I don't know when it will be the last. But no matter how hard it is to be strong right now, I don't have a choice. I have to be there for my daughter, my husband, my family, but most importantly I have to be strong for this baby because as of right now it's still fighting. And that's more than enough motivation to keep me going.

14 comments:

connie said...

Hi Becca. I know this is probably the most difficult experience you've ever had & you're handling it wonderfully under the circumstances. It's totally ok to feel all of the emotions you talked about. But you have to lean on your loved ones around you for support for YOU too or else you'll go crazy. I, too, have lost a baby but under different circumstances (I was 39 weeks & my baby boy Spencer was stillborn). Losing a baby is the TOUGHEST experience anyone can go thru, especially the Mama.

We're here w/you to give you love & support (as best as is possible in blogland) & just be here to "listen". And you never know Becca, our God is a good God & he's in control so he may have other plans for this baby. He may choose for this baby to live after all. You just have to put your trust & faith in him & rely on him as well. He knows what is best. This baby has already proven that it's a FIGHTER!!!! WIll you be able to find out the sex w/this next ultrasound?

Sending good thoughts, vibes, & prayers your way :)

(((BIG hugs)))

Sara said...

*HUGS* I'm thinking good thoughts and you are in my prayers.

Amanda said...

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you can find some calm moments in the times to come. (((hugs)))

Wendy said...

Still thinking of you daily! I have never been through anything like this before but as a Mom and a woman, I can feel for you!! Just be sure to talk about how you are feeling!! We are always here to listen if talking to your family is too hard right now!!

Chas said...

I think of you and your baby a lot. I hope you can stay strong, and I pray that Tuesday brings you some answers!!

Kayce said...

I'm still praying for a miracle for you. This baby has been a survivor so far, so maybe God has some bigger plans in mind for her (it has to be a her!) than we can imagine. Regardless of what happens, know that we are all here for you.

TEACHBROECK said...

WOW! You are a STRONG WOMAN! Sending the warmest thoughts and prayers.

Catwoman said...

My heart breaks for you and the rest of your family. I am so sorry you have to go through this.

ohio blue eyes said...

still wishing we lived closer so I could lend a hand or a hug, but sending warm & good thoughts your way will have to suffice. wishing you a better tomorrow.

Jen said...

I am with OHB.

:o)

Keeping you guys in my thoughts and prayers.

lisanne said...

I think that you've definitely made the right decision ~ giving this baby your very best and waiting to see what happens. I hope and pray that today's ultrasound will show good news. Please update when you can. I'm going to say a prayer for you right now, after I finish this comment. I am so sorry for what you're going through. I pray that your little baby will hang on and that things will work out. He/she is a fighter.

Jesser said...

I would have done the same thing. I really really really really hope it comes out good for you. I will be thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

maybe, just maybe there will be a happy ending. I sure hope there is a happy ending for you!!

AnGlOpHiLe FoOtBaLl FaNaTiC said...

If I'd known you'd posted, I certainly would've been by sooner. I hope you understand how inspired we all are by your courage. And, your baby will know how much you fought to keep her. I'm w/OBE, I wish I was closer to help you through it.