Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Sorry for the delay

I know you guys are anxious to hear the results. Bottom line is I have no good news. They were not able to determine the sex, because I have absolutely no amniotic fluid surrounding the baby. Basically this pregnancy is over and all I can do now is sit and wait.

I sat in the doctors office for 2 and half fucking hours and as soon as the tech started things I knew they were bad. I've been through these before and she could barely get measurements on anything because the baby had no where to go. The worst part??? The baby's heart is beating, the skull is formed, the spine is perfect...the things I was worried about are not even a concern. Reasons for concern?? Other than the fluid...the fact that they can see can see the umbilical cord but not the stomach. His thought was that it was not in the right place. Another reason that my AFP tests were high could possibly be a problem with the abdominal wall cavity. The reason for no fluid?? No bladder production. They asked me several times if I thought I was leaking fluid? Don't you think a normal person would know if they were??? He made it seem like I wasn't telling them the truth on that. He then realized that the placenta probably wasn't doing it's job. Because it's attached to the other baby's placenta, it's a possibility that when the other baby died it caused the other to stop working. And I'm also only measuring 17 weeks, 0 days when I'm supposed to be almost 18 1/2 weeks along. So you can see that we've determined that this pregnancy was just not meant to be. I'm beyond devastated. I can't even explain to you how I feel right now. My heart literally aches. All I know is before I could muster up the strength to shed one tear I could hear Matthew on the side of me start to lose it. Then I lost it, and then my mom lost it. It's just so incredibly unfair that after all of this I still have nothing to show for it.

He told me all the thing that can potentially go wrong, stillbirth, preterm labor, pre-eclampysia, various other things that can damage my health...I could go on but I don't want to. He even mentioned something about ovarian cysts but I never heard another word about it so I have no idea if that's something to be concerned about or not.

So when I tried to get my composure back I asked him at this point what my options were. I either a.) come back in two weeks and see if the fluid MIRACULOUSLY reappears (which apparently based on his experience isn't going to) or b.) I opt to go into the hospital, have my labor induced, to give birth to a live baby who will not make it. I mean pardon the language but what the fuck am I supposed to do? I don't think I can make it another two weeks for them to tell me what I already know. I just wish someone would tell me what to do. Matthew thinks that from what he saw of the heartbeat it was slow, so maybe God is making the decision for me but I cannot in my right mind do that to a live baby. I can't. I have already "given birth" to a dead baby at home, I don't ever want to have to go through that again and I'm going to have to. It's not fair, it's just not fair. I'm not a bad person so why is this happening to me?

I intend to talk to my Dr. first thing in the morning and I hope at that point he can give me some direction because I have never felt so lost in my life. I KNOW people go through this all the time, and I actually have friends who have been through worse, I'm just throwing myself a pity party right now because it's the only thing I know to do.

I don't know when I'll blog again. I don't want this to be a blog about my losses, I still have a great life. I have a wonderful husband, the most perfect little girl who I love and appreciate more now than ever, and an equally supporting family. I want to be able to focus on the positive on my life so when I feel like I'm able to share those again I will. Hopefully it won't be too long and in the meantime I hope I don't lose you all as readers. And I will be reading you :) And wishing those of you who are on your journeys through pregnancy nothing but the best!

33 comments:

lisanne said...

Hmm ... looks like there should be an entry here? That's strange! There's a comments field but no post. Just wanted to let you know.

lisanne said...

Oh my God. When you didn't blog right away after your appointment, I knew that something was wrong ~ but I didn't want to say anything. :( I just don't know what to say, Becca. I am *so* profoundly sorry for your losses. I cannot IMAGINE what you're going through. I wish that no one had to go through something like that. I wish that I could leave a comment that would help you feel better, but I just don't know what to say. I don't know why things like this happen. I am always here if you want to talk, you know that. Praying for you tonight.

Wendy said...

OH Becca I am so sorry for this! Take as long as you need...we will all be here when you come back...*HUGS*

Jesser said...

There are no words. I am so incredibly sorry. My heart just goes out to you. You are in my thoughts ...

Jen said...

Oh Becca. I am SO sorry. I do not understand why things like this happen. My heart is absolutely breaking for you.

I will keep you and Matthew in my thoughts and prayers. And you will NOT be losing me as a reader, no matter how long you are gone.

I will be thinking of you. I wish there was something that I could say that would make it just an eensy bit better, but I know there is nothing...

*sigh*

AnGlOpHiLe FoOtBaLl FaNaTiC said...

Oh, Becca. I am so very sorry. You are certainly in our prayers. And, I have said it before, but you are seriously one of the strongest people I've ever met. We'll be here when you return.

Chas said...

Becca, I wish there was something I could say. If I could I've give you a big hug right now. This is just wrong. Don't you apologize for anything right now. A pity party is definitely deserved. We will all be here when you're ready.

Sara said...

*HUGS* I'm sorry you are going through this.

ohio blue eyes said...

oh my god becca, I am so sorry. take as long as you need, we will be here when you get back. i'm so sorry you are going through all of this.

Bug's mama said...

Oh Becca, there is nothing to say to make your pain any less. Just please know that I am so sorry for all you have been through these past few months. Go and take care of yourself and your family. We will be waiting for you when you return.

Christina said...

My deepest condolences.

Jessica said...

Just wanted to let you know that my family is praying for you and your little one...
Miracles Happen.

Anonymous said...

I am so very sorry for you and your family. My heart goes out to you.

Ani
foodiechickie.com

Erin said...

My heart aches for you. I started crying just reading your post. You and your family are in our prayers!

Liz said...

i'm so, so sorry for this news. please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers.

Nanette said...

I am so sorry for what you're going through. You and your family are in my thoughts.

Midwest Texan said...

Becca - you and your family are in my prayers. I am so, so sorry.

TEACHBROECK said...

I have never met you, but my heart is breaking for you...I will pray for guidance for you and your family..there is no easy answer I will pray choices become more clear. Be gentle with yourself in the days to come, as your feelings will quickly flex between sadness, anger and grief. So sorry.

Emmakirst said...

I am so sorry for you and your family. You and your family are in my prayers.

mumof4 said...

What awful news for you. You are more than entitled to throw a 'pity party' even though it is far from pity....tragic is more the word. Best of luck whatever you decide for the next few weeks. Take care

connie said...

Oh no Becca! I'm so very sorry. I Know that no words can make this better for you/make it go away. We're here for you in blogland & I personally will be here~take as long a break as you need. I wish there was something I could do/say to make this better but I know that's not possible. You, Matthew, & Ava will be in my thoughts & prayers. (((hugs)))

Stacey said...

This is the first time I have ever read your blog. Just let me say it brought tears to my eyes and cheeks that you are going through this. Will the baby definitely not live if you give birth to him? In todays day and age, maybe there is some miracle tucked away...
I will hope for you.
And it isn't a pity party, it's your life and your feelings, and they are valid.

Anth said...

I am so sorry. My prayers are with you and your family. This is absolutely heartbreaking.

Valerie said...

I check your blog every once in a while and just want you to know how sorry I am. I'll be keeping you & your family close in my thoughts.

Kirsten said...

I'm so sorry. Looking forward to your return but take the time to heal.
Praying for you guys.

the wifey said...

Becca, you definitely won't be losing any readers; so many people have you and your family in their prayers. God won't leave you alone in this struggle, either. I will be praying that He just wraps you up in His arms and comforts you in the way that you need right now.

Anonymous said...

I'm a friend of Lisanne's. Nothing I could say would make this better. Instead know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I've lost a child. That is pain that you can't describe.

It's not fair that this happening to your family. You have done nothing wrong. I pray for peace in your hearts.

Kristin said...

First time reader by the way of Kayce at Afterthoughts...

I just sat here & read every single one of your posts on what's been happening to you & your family. I'm sorry you've had to live through some horrific experiences. It's absolutely heartbreaking.

I'm positive you won't lose readers because you've just gained one more.

Catwoman said...

I am a new reader and I just want to say that I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Words just can't even begin to take away your pain, I know.

Take care of yourself and come back when you're ready.

Amanda said...

I am so sorry. I wish there was something I could do or say to take away the pain and confusion.

MN Clampits said...

Becca - I am a reader of Chas's and linked over to you last night. I am so sorry for what you are going through. No one should ever have to deal with this. You and your family will be in our hearts and prayers.

Holly said...

Oh, honey, I am so sorry. I can't even imagine.
Take time and take care of yourself.

Sandee said...

There is nothing anyone can say or do to make things better but know that people out here care & wish you well. I'm so sorry :*( *hugs*