Sorry for the delay

I know you guys are anxious to hear the results. Bottom line is I have no good news. They were not able to determine the sex, because I have absolutely no amniotic fluid surrounding the baby. Basically this pregnancy is over and all I can do now is sit and wait.

I sat in the doctors office for 2 and half fucking hours and as soon as the tech started things I knew they were bad. I've been through these before and she could barely get measurements on anything because the baby had no where to go. The worst part??? The baby's heart is beating, the skull is formed, the spine is perfect...the things I was worried about are not even a concern. Reasons for concern?? Other than the fluid...the fact that they can see can see the umbilical cord but not the stomach. His thought was that it was not in the right place. Another reason that my AFP tests were high could possibly be a problem with the abdominal wall cavity. The reason for no fluid?? No bladder production. They asked me several times if I thought I was leaking fluid? Don't you think a normal person would know if they were??? He made it seem like I wasn't telling them the truth on that. He then realized that the placenta probably wasn't doing it's job. Because it's attached to the other baby's placenta, it's a possibility that when the other baby died it caused the other to stop working. And I'm also only measuring 17 weeks, 0 days when I'm supposed to be almost 18 1/2 weeks along. So you can see that we've determined that this pregnancy was just not meant to be. I'm beyond devastated. I can't even explain to you how I feel right now. My heart literally aches. All I know is before I could muster up the strength to shed one tear I could hear Matthew on the side of me start to lose it. Then I lost it, and then my mom lost it. It's just so incredibly unfair that after all of this I still have nothing to show for it.

He told me all the thing that can potentially go wrong, stillbirth, preterm labor, pre-eclampysia, various other things that can damage my health...I could go on but I don't want to. He even mentioned something about ovarian cysts but I never heard another word about it so I have no idea if that's something to be concerned about or not.

So when I tried to get my composure back I asked him at this point what my options were. I either a.) come back in two weeks and see if the fluid MIRACULOUSLY reappears (which apparently based on his experience isn't going to) or b.) I opt to go into the hospital, have my labor induced, to give birth to a live baby who will not make it. I mean pardon the language but what the fuck am I supposed to do? I don't think I can make it another two weeks for them to tell me what I already know. I just wish someone would tell me what to do. Matthew thinks that from what he saw of the heartbeat it was slow, so maybe God is making the decision for me but I cannot in my right mind do that to a live baby. I can't. I have already "given birth" to a dead baby at home, I don't ever want to have to go through that again and I'm going to have to. It's not fair, it's just not fair. I'm not a bad person so why is this happening to me?

I intend to talk to my Dr. first thing in the morning and I hope at that point he can give me some direction because I have never felt so lost in my life. I KNOW people go through this all the time, and I actually have friends who have been through worse, I'm just throwing myself a pity party right now because it's the only thing I know to do.

I don't know when I'll blog again. I don't want this to be a blog about my losses, I still have a great life. I have a wonderful husband, the most perfect little girl who I love and appreciate more now than ever, and an equally supporting family. I want to be able to focus on the positive on my life so when I feel like I'm able to share those again I will. Hopefully it won't be too long and in the meantime I hope I don't lose you all as readers. And I will be reading you :) And wishing those of you who are on your journeys through pregnancy nothing but the best!