Sunday, September 30, 2007

The Rest of the Story

What, you thought that was it?? So did I, but apparently my body had/has other plans for me. But before I get to it, I just want to thank everyone for the comments and emails last week. This has been a very tough time for my family and I, and I sincerely appreciate each and every one of you. I'm not usually a sappy person but I was brought to tears several times. I needed it.

Moving on, just so you have been warned, this part gets a tad graphic, if you are the slightest faint of heart you might want to skip this post all together. It's super long and detailed, but it's what happened, and even though I want to put it at the back of my mind, I never want to forget what happened.

So obviously Tuesday was rough, Wednesday was a little better emotionally and then Thursday I woke up with a sense of calm. I just felt better about the situation,and I started to realize that this did happen for a reason, whatever reason that is I'll never know but it happened and I was dealing with it. We knew we were lucky to still have one very special baby. Fast forward to late Thursday night. I still had the bleeding on and off, and I wasn't worried because both Doctors told me that would probably happen for a while. What they didn't prepare me for was what happened next. I woke up at about 3 AM to some mild cramping. Again I wasn't worried as this was something to be expected. Then the cramping got worse, then I noticed a pattern. This wasn't cramping I was having full blown contractions. Not the kind that you generally experience during a full term labor, but they were there, coming every 4 minutes or so and lasting about 30 seconds. I knew I should have called the doctor at that point, but I also kept thinking that if I just laid on my side and drank some water they might go away. They finally did and about 6:00 AM I was able to get comfortable enough to go back to sleep. Somehow my husband slept through this. I woke him up a time or two, but being the man he is he turned right over and went back to sleep.

When I got up again I noticed I had to go to the bathroom (surprise) and this is when it happened. I peed and felt something strange come out, I thought it was some sort of clot, but when I realized that it was not in the toilet but still attached to my body, I knew, I just knew. My baby, my sweet baby was hanging there between my legs. I did not know what to do, I wanted to scream, I wanted to throw up, I wanted to get the scissors and cut it away but I quickly got my senses and yelled for my husband. I told him what I thought had happened, he didn't believe me and I gradually got the courage up to let him take a look. It was indeed our baby. At this point I could only hope it was the one that had already passed away. By looking at it I knew it had to be. I paged my Dr. (thankfully he gave me his pager number earlier because the office was not open yet and I had no way of getting in touch with him, and I really didn't feel like dealing with the on call Dr. at 8:15 in the morning.) and I had to sit there until he called back. I had no idea what to do. He called back about 5 minutes later and wanted us to come to his office right away, but I could tell that he had no idea what to say to me. At this point I had no idea how were going to do this. So I put on a hefty pad, laid a washcloth in my underwear and gently placed the baby in a place where I would not sit on it. I had to touch it, and I can't even describe it. I don't want to. I don't want to think about that very moment ever again, but I know I will because it is forever etched into my mind. It was the most uncomfortable and nauseating car ride I have ever had in my life. We couldn't get there fast enough.

By the time we did I started to get undressed and it came loose, so I gently left it on the washcloth, laid a paper towel over it and sat on the chair and waited. I know we weren't in there for that long but it seemed like forever. My Dr. came in told me how sorry he was that I had to witness that, gave me a big hug and then got to work. He wanted to make sure I wasn't dilated, so after probing and prodding he determined that if I had dilated over night, I wasn't anymore. Good sign, good sign. He then got out the ultrasound machine and proceeded to do the uncomfortable kind to double check the status of my cervix and the status of Baby A. At this point I was going through my 6th, yep 6th ultrasound. My insurance company loves me I'm sure. The first thing we see is no movement from my good baby. Although the last two times I've seen this baby on screen it's been active as hell, he reassures me and tells me not to worry. Babies do rest sometimes. All I see is the baby laying in the same position that Baby B was in on Tuesday. He doesn't see an immediate heartbeat. I looked at him with tears and my eyes said "it's over isn't it,", my husband said nothing, and the doctor kept saying "this isn't supposed to happen this way, this isn't supposed to happen." And then silence, more prodding, and as I'm closing my eyes I hear him say "hold on, hold on, hold on. There's heart motion right there." And at that point I saw the most beautiful thing, heart motion and hands moving.

So, as of right now my little fighter is holding strong. I go back in a week for my 16 week checkup and hopefully we will hear a heartbeat at that point and we can move on. Until then I can only keep praying that things will work out.

I just wish someone would have prepared me for that. No one, NO ONE should have to go through what I went through. I do however think that it has helped me put some closure on that situation. I was able to see, and touch the baby that I was lucky enough to have for 14 weeks. I was able to see it's head, eyes, ears, legs, arms and even butt. It had the cutest little butt. I say it because I was not willing to look and see what the sex was. It didn't matter to me anyways. All I know is we have one strong healthy fighter left, and we will never forget the one that left us too soon. I know that he/she is up watching us and taking care of us. Right now that seems to be the glue that is holding me together.

18 comments:

Chas said...

Oh Becca, that is the most tragic thing I think I've ever read. You are so right, NO ONE should EVER have to go through that! Despite the similarities we discussed through email, I don't know how that must have felt. You poor thing! You hold on for that other baby, and if you need anything you let me know, and I meant that!

connie said...

I'm so sorry you had to go thru that experience Becca. You're right that noone should have to go thru that. You're very strong & you're handling everything well. I'll pray for God to continue to give you that strength & to protect you & your baby. Take care & stay strong. (((hugs)))

Jen said...

Good Lord. I am absolutely speechless.

How awful. I am so so sorry that you had to go through that. I am keeping you and your baby in my thoughts and prayers!

Laura McIntyre said...

I really do not know what to say, no one should have to go through that. I pray your little survivor keeps fighting and to a healthy pregnancy

Wendy said...

Oh my...I don't even know what to say.I am soooo sorry that you had to go through something like that. I am praying everyday for your other little baby!! Stay strong. *hugs*

Emmakirst said...

Omg, I am soo sorry, I have been working and just checking up on blogs. I am praying for your little miracle everyday.

ohio blue eyes said...

wow. just wow.

I am so sorry that you had to go through that. You are such a strong woman, I think I might have crumbled. You are staying strong for your healthy baby, and I admire you so much.

Its October 1st today, here's to a much better month!

Bug's mama said...

Oh Becca, there are no words...... You are such a strong and courageous woman. I know you will be that way for your other sweet baby. My heart breaks that you had to experience that. Your family is in my prayers always.

Kirsten said...

I, too, am wordless. I am so sorry you went through that but so thankful that you are coming through it. Continued prayers for you & yours...

TEACHBROECK said...

You and your family are in my prayers. C;mon Baby A we are rooting for you! You are a brave and strong woman!!

AnGlOpHiLe FoOtBaLl FaNaTiC said...

Becca, if this awful situation gave you some sense of closure, then I think it was the right thing for you to have happen, even if it was total torture. And, I mean that in nicest way possible. I'm still praying for the both of you.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. I went through something similar late in the first trimester, and it's positively heart wrenching. I'm glad you were able to have some sort of closure with your little babe, that's something I regret not doing.

Midwest Texan said...

My prayers are with you - having had a similar experience a few years ago, I remember the helplessness of not knowing what to do during such as situation and it was so hard, and I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I hope you continue to heal and I will be praying for your baby.

Holly said...

Oh my gosh, I cannot even imganine. That is so terrible. But I am glad it helped you put some closure and thank heavens the other baby is still going strong. I am really sorry you had to go through that.

the wifey said...

i don't even know what to say. you and your family have been in my prayers and will continue to be. just think how special this baby A must be...

Jesser said...

Oh I hate to hear that anyone has to go through this. I didn't look at mine ... the situation when I lost the baby made it hard to, but I kind of wish I'd tried harder. I will be praying for you and your babies.

Lisanne said...

I'm just in shock. I cannot BELIEVE that something *so* horrific happened to you, Becca. There are no words to describe how *awful* I feel for you. You handled the situation MUCH better than I would have, I really do think. I can't even IMAGINE! I'm glad that it did provide some closure (I might've looked to see whether it was a boy or a girl, but you're right ~ it wouldn't matter, and it would probably only upset me more). I am just so, SO sorry. I can't fathom something like that happening. Prayers being sent for your FIGHTER!!!

Anonymous said...

Found you through Lisanne's site. And I am reading your entire tragic story. I am so very sorry. It is not fair. I'm sitting here at work crying becaquse its just so horrible. So much pain you went through.

Ani
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