Well I WAS doing okay...

That was until today. Oh hi, I'm back! I had my follow up from my D&C today, it was supposed to be last week but I called and changed it. I had big weekend plans and I knew I would be thinking about the results of the genetic testing so I waited until today. I'm not sure I made the right decision. From the moment I walked into the Dr's office it was not like most of my visits. The receptionist called me by my first name before I even signed in (which they NEVER do), and then they proceeded to tell me that he "neglected" to inform them that he had an emergency C-Section. I wasn't sure that emergency sections were "planned" but whatever. I sat down, enjoyed the quiet time by myself, and hoped that the woman and baby he was operating on was okay. I've never waited more than a half an hour when I've been there, and it was probably only 5 minutes after sitting there that I heard him enter the back of the office. The other doctor wasn't in today so I knew it had to be mine. I was promptly called back by the nurse, who for the first time showed a cold side to me. No chit chat, not even normal questions. All she said asked me was if I had anything in particular I wanted to talk to him about, and what medications I had been taking. I was taken aback by that one as she's never asked me that, but I'm thinking that because the scaled showed a 7 pound weight gain since I was last there three weeks ago I MUST be taking something. I really haven't gained 7 pounds. I've weighed myself every day since and even after eating all day I didn't weigh that much more. If I haven't told you already, I don't understand why doctors offices STILL use the metal slide scales. I think I should introduce them to Mr. Digital. I mean a few ounces can be the deal breaker on a pound.

Anyway, new paragraph, moving on. By the time he finally came in about 30 minutes later, I had the lovely pleasure of hearing at least one strong fetal heartbeat in the room next door, which really was enough to send me running, but since I was half naked from the waist down I figured that might not be the best idea. I could tell that he wasn't himself. Not that I "know" him, but I've been in there enough and have had enough conversations to feel comfortable on more than just a patient level. Everything was cut and dry, he was very much the "Dr." this time. One thing that shocked me was that I had to ask him for the test results. He didn't have them. He said he had thought about them, but that doesn't mean much to me. I wanted to walk in there and know why I lost this baby. Either my body failed me, or something was wrong and I wanted to know. I didn't get that answer. Instead I got the question of whether or not I wanted more prenatal vitamins and go after baby # whatever it is now, or contraception. I was told before my D&C three weeks ago that I should take a break. My body and my mind needed time to heal. It just seemed like something wasn't right. Then it was time for the exam, and all went well, almost. I was due for the annual cervix swab and he even mentioned it until I heard his nurse and him whisper back and forth that my insurance won't cover it. WTF!!! I have good insurance, and this is what I would consider preventative care so why in the hell was I not allowed to have one??? Mind you, I don't personally enjoy having that part of my body probed but I'm pretty sure I would like to know that all is still well and healthy down there. I never got an answer on that either. He told me that he would get the results, call me later and sent me out with a bag full of birth control samples as if nothing in the past 9 months had happened. If that were my first visit to the doctor I would not see him again. I am wondering what happened in that STAT C-Section. Was he just having a bad day, or did something bad happen. You never know. Yes they are doctors and unfortunately they do see the bad sides to pregnancy, but I wonder how if/when a doctor loses a baby during deliver they are able to go on about their day as if nothing happened. I'm not saying that happened...it just makes you wonder.

Anyhoo I picked up Ava and went to the store, and apparently sometime while I was there he called and I missed it. Again, it just wasn't like him on the voicemail. First off, I am SURPRISED that he left the results of the test on a voicemail. Normally he would call and either have me call him or he would call me back later. Results were that baby did have an abnormal karyotype, which he called the most common abnormality in miscarried fetuses. Does that make me feel any better? I don't know. I still don't know iwhether I would rather have a miscarraige because there was something wrong with the baby, or something wrong with my body. My first twin had a chromosome abnormality, and now having two makes things scary. Even if what happened to the last baby was "common" it doesn't help things. From what I understand it was missing an additional sex karyotype, but most babies with this are genotypically female. If you are counting, that's not only 3 babies that I have lost, but 3 girls. The 1% with this abnormality survive but will not reach puberty, and therefore will not be able to have children. What worries/bothers me the most is my first twin had something called Turner Syndrome which only affects females, and has similar characteristics. He says I'm reading too much into it, that because we have healthy children (his son, and of course Ava) we shouldn't worry. And I want to believe him, but it's hard not to. I'm going to a perinatal loss meeting tomorrow that deals with recurrent miscarriages and I'm hoping someone else has some light to shed on this. In the meantime, the baby factory has closed, and I'm not sure when/if it will open again.

Right now I just want some time to get my life and my sex life back, and not be consumed with getting/staying pregnant. It might happen again, and it might not. The bottom line is I have alot to be thankful for already.