Monday, June 30, 2008

Well I WAS doing okay...

That was until today. Oh hi, I'm back! I had my follow up from my D&C today, it was supposed to be last week but I called and changed it. I had big weekend plans and I knew I would be thinking about the results of the genetic testing so I waited until today. I'm not sure I made the right decision. From the moment I walked into the Dr's office it was not like most of my visits. The receptionist called me by my first name before I even signed in (which they NEVER do), and then they proceeded to tell me that he "neglected" to inform them that he had an emergency C-Section. I wasn't sure that emergency sections were "planned" but whatever. I sat down, enjoyed the quiet time by myself, and hoped that the woman and baby he was operating on was okay. I've never waited more than a half an hour when I've been there, and it was probably only 5 minutes after sitting there that I heard him enter the back of the office. The other doctor wasn't in today so I knew it had to be mine. I was promptly called back by the nurse, who for the first time showed a cold side to me. No chit chat, not even normal questions. All she said asked me was if I had anything in particular I wanted to talk to him about, and what medications I had been taking. I was taken aback by that one as she's never asked me that, but I'm thinking that because the scaled showed a 7 pound weight gain since I was last there three weeks ago I MUST be taking something. I really haven't gained 7 pounds. I've weighed myself every day since and even after eating all day I didn't weigh that much more. If I haven't told you already, I don't understand why doctors offices STILL use the metal slide scales. I think I should introduce them to Mr. Digital. I mean a few ounces can be the deal breaker on a pound.

Anyway, new paragraph, moving on. By the time he finally came in about 30 minutes later, I had the lovely pleasure of hearing at least one strong fetal heartbeat in the room next door, which really was enough to send me running, but since I was half naked from the waist down I figured that might not be the best idea. I could tell that he wasn't himself. Not that I "know" him, but I've been in there enough and have had enough conversations to feel comfortable on more than just a patient level. Everything was cut and dry, he was very much the "Dr." this time. One thing that shocked me was that I had to ask him for the test results. He didn't have them. He said he had thought about them, but that doesn't mean much to me. I wanted to walk in there and know why I lost this baby. Either my body failed me, or something was wrong and I wanted to know. I didn't get that answer. Instead I got the question of whether or not I wanted more prenatal vitamins and go after baby # whatever it is now, or contraception. I was told before my D&C three weeks ago that I should take a break. My body and my mind needed time to heal. It just seemed like something wasn't right. Then it was time for the exam, and all went well, almost. I was due for the annual cervix swab and he even mentioned it until I heard his nurse and him whisper back and forth that my insurance won't cover it. WTF!!! I have good insurance, and this is what I would consider preventative care so why in the hell was I not allowed to have one??? Mind you, I don't personally enjoy having that part of my body probed but I'm pretty sure I would like to know that all is still well and healthy down there. I never got an answer on that either. He told me that he would get the results, call me later and sent me out with a bag full of birth control samples as if nothing in the past 9 months had happened. If that were my first visit to the doctor I would not see him again. I am wondering what happened in that STAT C-Section. Was he just having a bad day, or did something bad happen. You never know. Yes they are doctors and unfortunately they do see the bad sides to pregnancy, but I wonder how if/when a doctor loses a baby during deliver they are able to go on about their day as if nothing happened. I'm not saying that happened...it just makes you wonder.

Anyhoo I picked up Ava and went to the store, and apparently sometime while I was there he called and I missed it. Again, it just wasn't like him on the voicemail. First off, I am SURPRISED that he left the results of the test on a voicemail. Normally he would call and either have me call him or he would call me back later. Results were that baby did have an abnormal karyotype, which he called the most common abnormality in miscarried fetuses. Does that make me feel any better? I don't know. I still don't know iwhether I would rather have a miscarraige because there was something wrong with the baby, or something wrong with my body. My first twin had a chromosome abnormality, and now having two makes things scary. Even if what happened to the last baby was "common" it doesn't help things. From what I understand it was missing an additional sex karyotype, but most babies with this are genotypically female. If you are counting, that's not only 3 babies that I have lost, but 3 girls. The 1% with this abnormality survive but will not reach puberty, and therefore will not be able to have children. What worries/bothers me the most is my first twin had something called Turner Syndrome which only affects females, and has similar characteristics. He says I'm reading too much into it, that because we have healthy children (his son, and of course Ava) we shouldn't worry. And I want to believe him, but it's hard not to. I'm going to a perinatal loss meeting tomorrow that deals with recurrent miscarriages and I'm hoping someone else has some light to shed on this. In the meantime, the baby factory has closed, and I'm not sure when/if it will open again.

Right now I just want some time to get my life and my sex life back, and not be consumed with getting/staying pregnant. It might happen again, and it might not. The bottom line is I have alot to be thankful for already.

10 comments:

Bug's mama said...

I am so glad to see your post, I was just wondering how things were going for you the other day. I'm so sorry about your doc, they can just get so weird sometimes. And so sorry about the baby. I can't imagine how you are feeling. Probably really scared, but I'm so glad you are enjoying Ava, she most definitely is a blessing. I hope we hear more from you soon. You're still in my prayers.

Sara said...

I was also surprised to see your post but glad to see it! I am sorry your Dr. was acting weird, and like you said it has to be something that was not "normal" for him going on that day. We all have off days. I am glad to see you are still remembering the wonderfuls in your life. Take care!!

TEACHBROECK said...

I remember the anticipation of FINDING SOMETHING OUT....good, bad...anything! Even the best drs must forget that these questions has consumed us the last few days and to blow it off is hurtful! Sometimes you leave the the dr more confused then ever. I pray the group you go to tonight offers you some peace of mind and new friendships!

Catwoman said...

I'm sorry your doctor did such a terrible job in your meeting with him. Sounds like it was the last thing you needed.

I know that when I had my miscarriage last fall, the way my doctor handled me during that bad time made me love her (as a doctor, of course!) even more. Because as important as bed-side manner is during the good appointments, it's twice as important during the bad times. Whether he was having a bad day or not, he still should have been able to focus on just you during that appointment, especially with everything you've been through.

anglophilefootballfanatic.com said...

I am so relieved to "hear" from you. I've been thinking about you often. I think the doctor sounded so clinical. That isn't right. You deserve to be treated better. I hope it was a bad day and nothing more. Keep us updated. I've got you in my prayers.

Sugar&Ice said...

I'm so happy to see an update from you! I'm also so sorry that your doctor and his staff were so "off" with you...very strange.

Midwest Texan said...

It's good to hear from you! Wow - what an odd experience at the drs office. I hope that the perinatal group is a good fit for you and brings some comfort. Keep us posted, and take care of yourself.

Jessica said...

Oh Becca, I'm so so sorry that things didn't go better at your Doctor's appointment. It sounds like your OB was having a really rough day... Not that it gives him ANY Excuse to take it out on you though.
HAve you put any thought in going to see a perinatologist or a geneticist? I think wither one of those would be a great stepping stone in case you do have thoughts about what happened and where to go from here... Iknow how terrible it can be to to be continually consumed with the questions and feelings of what if...
It would probably be nice to just put some of that to rest...
Good luck, and I'll be thinking of you.

Jaimie said...

I am so glad to see you have posted. I haven't been on in awhile but I kept thinking I should drop you an email and tell you I was thinking of you.

Your OB or pedi should be able to refer you to a geneticist. I know when we have had patients have more than one loss they frequently are referred for genetic counsilling. At least they might be able to answer so questions and help you figure out what has happened and what could happen.

Your doctor may be having some of his own personal problems right now and just not seem like himself. That would intern make people working in his office act a little differently. I don't know how much you like this doctor, but maybe it could be time for a fresh start somewhere else if you have that option. I know that would mean you would have to go over your history with them, but maybe a fresh start would be good??? I don't know. But I'm glad you are hanging in there and I have been thinking about you a lot the past few weeks

Laura McIntyre said...

I doubt i can say anything to help but it sounds like you are doing the best you can, im sorry the doctor appointment was not the best.

I really hope this year just gets better for you