Short and to the point

This one will be short but I wanted to update on what's going on. I go tomorrow for my follow up ultrasound, and then to my OB to discuss options at this point. I don't expect things to change but things that are making it difficult on me is that even though I have no amniotic fluid, we have already exceeded expectations in that the baby is still fighting, and still alive. I made an emergency call to my doctor last Wednesday to have a look, because honestly I didn't feel pregnant anymore. And even though I still get an occasional roll or kick from this one, I still don't feel like I'm pregnant. Things are just so different now, I wish I could describe it.

The most disheartening thing was that when my husband asked him point blank if this baby had a chance to survive and the doctor said no. His advice was to go to dinner, have a beer and discuss where we want to go from here. So we decided to give it until Tuesday. So here we are, on the eve of what might be the biggest decision of our lives. I don't want to give up hope yet, but the smart part of me realizes that this is probably the end of this journey. I can't let this baby suffer any more. I can't suffer any more. The longer we wait, the harder it is going to be to let go. I know I shouldn't give up, and I want more than anything to prove these doctors wrong. But let's face it. They have seen this before, they know it has a grim outcome.

I don't want this post to seem disheartening and cold, because that's not how it's meant to come off. I have cried so many tears these past two weeks, and I'm sure there are more to come. This baby is wanted more than I ever realized, and having all of this happen has just solidified our desire to try again. We want this baby, we love this baby, but we have also mentally and physically prepared ourselves for the worst. It's what we have to do. I don't think anyone can every fully prepare for these things, but it's the hand that's been dealt, and there's not a whole lot we can do. I will come out of this a stronger person, there's no doubt about that. The best thing that can happen tomorrow is that they tell us there has been a change, and there's something else we can do. The worst thing is that they admit me to the hospital, and we start labor. Either way, I'm at peace, and I know I'll survive. We will have two angels looking out for and taking care of us.

And to top it all off my daughter is a flower girl for the first time on Saturday night and I will be damned if I miss it. She is my world, and I love her more and more each day.