I promise it's coming, the one where it all ended but lord things have been like a zoo around here. Apparently since my 20 month old runs the show in this house, the computer is no longer allowed to be on unless ELMO is talking on my screen. My evil brother found a website with Elmo games and stories, and well that was the reason I had NOT introduced my child to him. Now he's everywhere. So unless she's sleeping, I'm not on the computer. And since I've been struck with the chest cold from hell, when she's sleeping I've been sleeping too.
She's in her crib right now screaming, but since I'm about to be looped out on Ny.Quil I needed 5 minutes, just 5 MINUTES. Even if this is a pretty pointless post, it's so much better than effing E-Mo.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Friday, November 16, 2007
Closure sucks and it hurts like hell
I just wanted to let everyone know that our precious baby girl was born sleeping on Thursday, November 15, 2007 at 3:48 PM, weighing in at 10.2 ounces and 9.5 inches long. We fought for her until the very end, and she never stopped fighting but the odds were stacked against us as what little fluid I was producing was leaking at an alarming pace and no matter what we could have done, she could not survive outside my belly. This has proven to be more painful than anything we could have imagined.
For my own sanity I need to write everything down, and I want to share it all...but I've had a total of 5 hours of sleep in 2 days days and let's face it..I can't make sense of it all right now. I am hurting in ways that I can't explain, so I am going to try this weekend to detail a post worthy enough of the events that happened, but please bear with me as I desperately try to get my feelings on paper in the manner that I truly feel them.
For my own sanity I need to write everything down, and I want to share it all...but I've had a total of 5 hours of sleep in 2 days days and let's face it..I can't make sense of it all right now. I am hurting in ways that I can't explain, so I am going to try this weekend to detail a post worthy enough of the events that happened, but please bear with me as I desperately try to get my feelings on paper in the manner that I truly feel them.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
What a week...Part 1
First of all, again thanks to everyone who said an extra little prayer for us. I never imagined I could possibly be hit with so much at once.
I am beyond exhausted but I want to try to get all of this out and still make sense. It's probably going to be long and discombobulated so bear with me.
It looks like my dad is going to be okay. My dad's a former UK Bask.etball player, and subsequently one of the most stubborn, strongest, and hard headed people I know - it could be where I get mine from! He took a walk and came home and started washing the car and noticed that he had pain that started in his shoulder and radiated into his elbow. He didn't think much of it, went in took an ad.vil and went back to his business. Shortly thereafter he broke out into a really cold sweat, and it was at about this point that he realized something was wrong. At about the same time my mom called to tell him she was still out running errands, and he told her that something was wrong and she needed to get home. He didn't think that he needed to call 911, but my brother who was with my mom wasn't taking any chances and called. The ambulance was there in less than 5 minutes, all the while my dad decided that he would take a shower while he waited. Sometimes I think he's an idiot. He was not actively having a heart attack when the ambulance arrived, but shortly after they got him to the hospital he started to go downhill fast. At one point his heart went into V-F.ib and they needed to use the paddles to shock him. He also had a seizure during all this, but was awake the entire time. Within one hour of arriving they determined he had 90% blockage in 3 of his arteries, they placed a stint into the one with the most severe damage, and they put him in ICU. And my mom was there to witness every single minute of that. I cannot even imagine what she went through.
As soon as Ava woke up from her nap Matthew and I dropped her off at a friends and made it to the hospital. On my way into the ICU I ran into the PA of the doctor that was working on his case (ironically I went to high school with her so I felt very comfortable asking questions) and she made it very clear to us that if my mom and brother didn't call 911 when they did we might be looking at a different outcome. The fact that he was already at the hospital when the major problems happened more than likely saved his life. I can't even begin to tell you the thoughts that have been going through my head. My dad is the rock of my family. Alot of you have commented on how strong I have been through this pregnancy, and I sincerely think I get alot of my strength from my dad. To think of life without him is unimaginable. My first thought when all of this happened was Ava. She is his princess, a shining light in his life. I honestly sometimes think that she would rather spend time with her "Pa Pa" than me. And that melts my heart. Most of you probably don't know that I'm adopted, and I honestly could NOT have been adopted by two better people. I even think Matthew got more upset about this than I did, to me that tells me alot.
He was moved to a normal room today and will probably be in the hospital until Saturday or so. He's still not out of the woods because they need to decide how they want to approach the other two blockages, but he's being treated, and that's good enough for me. Something that really made me think about was the fact that they were supposed to leave for Florida on Tuesday. However with everything that's gone on with me they decided not to go. It sickens me to think about where they would have been if this had happened while they were gone. I'm not saying that it would have happened, but maybe all the stuff going on with me is happening for a reason after all. It did keep them here and they are able to be close to family.
I'll post again tomorrow about this weeks U/S and Dr. appt. I'm so tired and tomorrow is going to be a LONG day. I need to get up and go see dad in the morning, and then it's a frantic rush to get things together for my brother in law's wedding on Saturday. I can tell you this, Ava is going to be the most beautiful flower girl ever...that is if she decides she wants to walk down the aisle.
I am beyond exhausted but I want to try to get all of this out and still make sense. It's probably going to be long and discombobulated so bear with me.
It looks like my dad is going to be okay. My dad's a former UK Bask.etball player, and subsequently one of the most stubborn, strongest, and hard headed people I know - it could be where I get mine from! He took a walk and came home and started washing the car and noticed that he had pain that started in his shoulder and radiated into his elbow. He didn't think much of it, went in took an ad.vil and went back to his business. Shortly thereafter he broke out into a really cold sweat, and it was at about this point that he realized something was wrong. At about the same time my mom called to tell him she was still out running errands, and he told her that something was wrong and she needed to get home. He didn't think that he needed to call 911, but my brother who was with my mom wasn't taking any chances and called. The ambulance was there in less than 5 minutes, all the while my dad decided that he would take a shower while he waited. Sometimes I think he's an idiot. He was not actively having a heart attack when the ambulance arrived, but shortly after they got him to the hospital he started to go downhill fast. At one point his heart went into V-F.ib and they needed to use the paddles to shock him. He also had a seizure during all this, but was awake the entire time. Within one hour of arriving they determined he had 90% blockage in 3 of his arteries, they placed a stint into the one with the most severe damage, and they put him in ICU. And my mom was there to witness every single minute of that. I cannot even imagine what she went through.
As soon as Ava woke up from her nap Matthew and I dropped her off at a friends and made it to the hospital. On my way into the ICU I ran into the PA of the doctor that was working on his case (ironically I went to high school with her so I felt very comfortable asking questions) and she made it very clear to us that if my mom and brother didn't call 911 when they did we might be looking at a different outcome. The fact that he was already at the hospital when the major problems happened more than likely saved his life. I can't even begin to tell you the thoughts that have been going through my head. My dad is the rock of my family. Alot of you have commented on how strong I have been through this pregnancy, and I sincerely think I get alot of my strength from my dad. To think of life without him is unimaginable. My first thought when all of this happened was Ava. She is his princess, a shining light in his life. I honestly sometimes think that she would rather spend time with her "Pa Pa" than me. And that melts my heart. Most of you probably don't know that I'm adopted, and I honestly could NOT have been adopted by two better people. I even think Matthew got more upset about this than I did, to me that tells me alot.
He was moved to a normal room today and will probably be in the hospital until Saturday or so. He's still not out of the woods because they need to decide how they want to approach the other two blockages, but he's being treated, and that's good enough for me. Something that really made me think about was the fact that they were supposed to leave for Florida on Tuesday. However with everything that's gone on with me they decided not to go. It sickens me to think about where they would have been if this had happened while they were gone. I'm not saying that it would have happened, but maybe all the stuff going on with me is happening for a reason after all. It did keep them here and they are able to be close to family.
I'll post again tomorrow about this weeks U/S and Dr. appt. I'm so tired and tomorrow is going to be a LONG day. I need to get up and go see dad in the morning, and then it's a frantic rush to get things together for my brother in law's wedding on Saturday. I can tell you this, Ava is going to be the most beautiful flower girl ever...that is if she decides she wants to walk down the aisle.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Please say and extra prayer...
I have alot to update you on about how things went at the doctor yesterday, but I just got a call from my brother and they just rushed my dad to the ER because he was complaining of chest pains. I'm off to the hospital now, and I don't know what's going on exactly but if you don't care to say an extra prayer for us. As if we needed anything else to go wrong at this point. I guess I should at least point out that I still have no fluid, but baby is alive and is now only measuring 5 days behind as opposed to 9 days behind from the last appointment. I'll explain everything in detail as soon as I can.
I guess all of this definately falls into the category of "when it rains, it pours..."
I guess all of this definately falls into the category of "when it rains, it pours..."
Monday, November 05, 2007
Short and to the point
This one will be short but I wanted to update on what's going on. I go tomorrow for my follow up ultrasound, and then to my OB to discuss options at this point. I don't expect things to change but things that are making it difficult on me is that even though I have no amniotic fluid, we have already exceeded expectations in that the baby is still fighting, and still alive. I made an emergency call to my doctor last Wednesday to have a look, because honestly I didn't feel pregnant anymore. And even though I still get an occasional roll or kick from this one, I still don't feel like I'm pregnant. Things are just so different now, I wish I could describe it.
The most disheartening thing was that when my husband asked him point blank if this baby had a chance to survive and the doctor said no. His advice was to go to dinner, have a beer and discuss where we want to go from here. So we decided to give it until Tuesday. So here we are, on the eve of what might be the biggest decision of our lives. I don't want to give up hope yet, but the smart part of me realizes that this is probably the end of this journey. I can't let this baby suffer any more. I can't suffer any more. The longer we wait, the harder it is going to be to let go. I know I shouldn't give up, and I want more than anything to prove these doctors wrong. But let's face it. They have seen this before, they know it has a grim outcome.
I don't want this post to seem disheartening and cold, because that's not how it's meant to come off. I have cried so many tears these past two weeks, and I'm sure there are more to come. This baby is wanted more than I ever realized, and having all of this happen has just solidified our desire to try again. We want this baby, we love this baby, but we have also mentally and physically prepared ourselves for the worst. It's what we have to do. I don't think anyone can every fully prepare for these things, but it's the hand that's been dealt, and there's not a whole lot we can do. I will come out of this a stronger person, there's no doubt about that. The best thing that can happen tomorrow is that they tell us there has been a change, and there's something else we can do. The worst thing is that they admit me to the hospital, and we start labor. Either way, I'm at peace, and I know I'll survive. We will have two angels looking out for and taking care of us.
And to top it all off my daughter is a flower girl for the first time on Saturday night and I will be damned if I miss it. She is my world, and I love her more and more each day.
The most disheartening thing was that when my husband asked him point blank if this baby had a chance to survive and the doctor said no. His advice was to go to dinner, have a beer and discuss where we want to go from here. So we decided to give it until Tuesday. So here we are, on the eve of what might be the biggest decision of our lives. I don't want to give up hope yet, but the smart part of me realizes that this is probably the end of this journey. I can't let this baby suffer any more. I can't suffer any more. The longer we wait, the harder it is going to be to let go. I know I shouldn't give up, and I want more than anything to prove these doctors wrong. But let's face it. They have seen this before, they know it has a grim outcome.
I don't want this post to seem disheartening and cold, because that's not how it's meant to come off. I have cried so many tears these past two weeks, and I'm sure there are more to come. This baby is wanted more than I ever realized, and having all of this happen has just solidified our desire to try again. We want this baby, we love this baby, but we have also mentally and physically prepared ourselves for the worst. It's what we have to do. I don't think anyone can every fully prepare for these things, but it's the hand that's been dealt, and there's not a whole lot we can do. I will come out of this a stronger person, there's no doubt about that. The best thing that can happen tomorrow is that they tell us there has been a change, and there's something else we can do. The worst thing is that they admit me to the hospital, and we start labor. Either way, I'm at peace, and I know I'll survive. We will have two angels looking out for and taking care of us.
And to top it all off my daughter is a flower girl for the first time on Saturday night and I will be damned if I miss it. She is my world, and I love her more and more each day.
Friday, November 02, 2007
I'm tagging myself
I've seen this meme going around, and instead of another depressing post about the drama in my life, I thought I would do something a little different.
1. What kind of SOAP is in your bathtub right now? Mango and Pomegranate by Softsoap
2. Do you have any watermelon in your refrigerator? Nope, hate watermelon. Don't throw stones at me, I know I'm weird. But you try puking it up and see if it sounds good to you??
3. What would you change about your living room? I wish we had a mantle. Where the hell is Santa going to stop if I can't hang my stockings?
4. Are the dishes in your dishwasher clean or dirty? They were dirty but I loaded the dishwasher tonight.
5. What is in your fridge? A bunch of crap. Milk, condiments, lots of leftover that probably have mold growing on them, applesauce, jello, pudding, and a bubba keg filled with vodka and something. It was the last alcoholic drink I had so you can imagine how long it's been sitting in there.
6. White or wheat bread? Right now white, but I think that's a pregnancy thing.
7. What is on top of your refrigerator? A bag of tortilla chips
8. What color or design is on your shower curtain? We have a stand up shower so no shower curtain
9. How many plants are in your home? None! I can't even keep dead ones looking nice.
10. Is your bed made right now? No, what's the point in making it when you spend most of the afternoon laying in it.
11. Comet or Soft Scrub? Comet. Stuff stinks but boy does it work.
.12. Is your closet organized? Now that I don't share with my husband you bet it is.
13. Can you describe your flashlight? We have too many to list. The only one I can think of is big and yellow.
14. Do you drink out of glass or plastic most of the time at home? Glass.
15. Do you have iced tea made in a pitcher right now? I wish. Too lazy to get up and make any.
16. If you have a garage, is it cluttered? Not really cluttered, but I still can't park my car in there which really pisses me off.
17. Curtains or blinds? Plantation blinds only right now. I'll do curtains someday.
18. How many pillows do you sleep with? Usually 2, but sometimes 3 if I can steal one away from my husband.
19. Do you sleep with any lights on at night? Nope just the TV. Can't sleep without it.
20. How often do you vacuum? Well, seeing as I have a dog, a cat, and hard wood floors I should vacuum every day. Pre-pregnancy it was getting done every other day. Now??? I'm lucky to do it every two weeks. Gross I know. You don't have to tell me about it.
21. Standard toothbrush or electric? Regular. My child's latest obsession is toothbrushes, so I would have to donate a kidney if we had to keep buying new electric ones.
22. What color is your toothbrush? Right now it's pink, but it will probably end up in the toilet tomorrow so who knows what the next color will be.
23. Do you have a welcome mat on your front porch? It doesn't say welcome but I do have a mat. I also have one leading to the deck that's covered in Martini glasses and says "Cheers."
24. What is in your oven right now? The racks, my Pamp.ered Chef Pi.zza Stone and another piece of stoneware.
25. Is there anything under your bed? Yep. A suitcase, hairballs and a couple piles of cat vomit. I know, it's disgusting. I have to hear about it every day. But the dog can't fit under there and he's better than any vacuum at getting that stuff up.
26. Chore you hate doing the most? LAUNDRY. Enough said.
27. What retro items are in your home? None anymore since we pretty much bought all new furniture when we moved.
28. Do you have a separate room that you use as an office? Actually yeah, although right now it is used for miscellaneous crap storage while the furniture that is supposed to go in there is sitting in the garage collecting dust.
29. How many mirrors are in your home? One in each bathroom (4) one by the back door, one in master bedroom, so 6??
30. Do you have any hidden emergency money around your home? I'm sure my husband has some hidden in his safe, but I'm not allowed to have the code.
31. What color are your walls? This could take a while. Master bedroom is yellow, master bath is beige, hallways are beige, living room/dining room is green, kitchen is what I call diarrhea brown (but it's really pretty I promise!), half bath is beige, Ava's room is pink, her bathroom is green, guest room is beige, basement and basement bathroom are beige, one bedroom in basement is pink/green with pink/green stripes, and the other bedroom in the basement is purple/gray with purple/gray stripes
32. Do you keep any kind of protection weapons in your home? Are you kidding?? My husband has been hunting for 20 years. We have more guns than all branches of the military combined. I'm kidding of course, but we do have quite a few. They are locked up with the exception of one handgun that he keeps in the armoire in our room. I didn't grow up with guns in the house so to say it makes me nervous is an understatement.
33. What does your home smell like right now? Right now it has the fresh, aromatic lovely smell of sulfur. Our friggin septic system is at it again.
34. Favorite candle scent? Cinnamon, pumpkin spice, or anything apple. I'm all about fall/winter scents.
35. What kind of pickles (if any) are in your refrigerator right now? Dill of course!
36. What color is your favorite Bible? Umm...my favorite Bible?? The only one I have is the one my sorority gave me in college and it's white.
37. Ever been on your roof? Not recently, but I did used to get up on my parents roof and help my dad clean out the gutters when I was younger.
38. Do you own a stereo? Nope
39. How many TVs do you have? Too many. We have 6. One in the bedroom, one in the living room, one in the kitchen, 2 in the basement...one in the main part and one over by the workout equipment and one in my step sons room.
40. How many house phones? We have one main base with two extra remote bases....so 3.
41. Do you have a housekeeper? Shit I wish. Don't think I won't have one someday because I will. It's a lifelong dream of mine.
42. What style do you decorate in? I suck at decorating. I steal alot of ideas from Po.ttery Barn and buy the stuff at Tar.get or the Cra.te and Bar.rel
43. Do you like solid colors in furniture or prints? Normally solids, however my new double chaise lounge is striped and I'm completely in love with it. I'm sure I'll be sick of it in a few years, but maybe by then I can afford a slip cover.
44. Is there a smoke detector in your home? In every room of the house. However one needed a new battery about a month ago. Is it sad that I don't even notice the beeping anymore??
I do have more stuff to post about what's going on with the baby though. That to come soon....
1. What kind of SOAP is in your bathtub right now? Mango and Pomegranate by Softsoap
2. Do you have any watermelon in your refrigerator? Nope, hate watermelon. Don't throw stones at me, I know I'm weird. But you try puking it up and see if it sounds good to you??
3. What would you change about your living room? I wish we had a mantle. Where the hell is Santa going to stop if I can't hang my stockings?
4. Are the dishes in your dishwasher clean or dirty? They were dirty but I loaded the dishwasher tonight.
5. What is in your fridge? A bunch of crap. Milk, condiments, lots of leftover that probably have mold growing on them, applesauce, jello, pudding, and a bubba keg filled with vodka and something. It was the last alcoholic drink I had so you can imagine how long it's been sitting in there.
6. White or wheat bread? Right now white, but I think that's a pregnancy thing.
7. What is on top of your refrigerator? A bag of tortilla chips
8. What color or design is on your shower curtain? We have a stand up shower so no shower curtain
9. How many plants are in your home? None! I can't even keep dead ones looking nice.
10. Is your bed made right now? No, what's the point in making it when you spend most of the afternoon laying in it.
11. Comet or Soft Scrub? Comet. Stuff stinks but boy does it work.
.12. Is your closet organized? Now that I don't share with my husband you bet it is.
13. Can you describe your flashlight? We have too many to list. The only one I can think of is big and yellow.
14. Do you drink out of glass or plastic most of the time at home? Glass.
15. Do you have iced tea made in a pitcher right now? I wish. Too lazy to get up and make any.
16. If you have a garage, is it cluttered? Not really cluttered, but I still can't park my car in there which really pisses me off.
17. Curtains or blinds? Plantation blinds only right now. I'll do curtains someday.
18. How many pillows do you sleep with? Usually 2, but sometimes 3 if I can steal one away from my husband.
19. Do you sleep with any lights on at night? Nope just the TV. Can't sleep without it.
20. How often do you vacuum? Well, seeing as I have a dog, a cat, and hard wood floors I should vacuum every day. Pre-pregnancy it was getting done every other day. Now??? I'm lucky to do it every two weeks. Gross I know. You don't have to tell me about it.
21. Standard toothbrush or electric? Regular. My child's latest obsession is toothbrushes, so I would have to donate a kidney if we had to keep buying new electric ones.
22. What color is your toothbrush? Right now it's pink, but it will probably end up in the toilet tomorrow so who knows what the next color will be.
23. Do you have a welcome mat on your front porch? It doesn't say welcome but I do have a mat. I also have one leading to the deck that's covered in Martini glasses and says "Cheers."
24. What is in your oven right now? The racks, my Pamp.ered Chef Pi.zza Stone and another piece of stoneware.
25. Is there anything under your bed? Yep. A suitcase, hairballs and a couple piles of cat vomit. I know, it's disgusting. I have to hear about it every day. But the dog can't fit under there and he's better than any vacuum at getting that stuff up.
26. Chore you hate doing the most? LAUNDRY. Enough said.
27. What retro items are in your home? None anymore since we pretty much bought all new furniture when we moved.
28. Do you have a separate room that you use as an office? Actually yeah, although right now it is used for miscellaneous crap storage while the furniture that is supposed to go in there is sitting in the garage collecting dust.
29. How many mirrors are in your home? One in each bathroom (4) one by the back door, one in master bedroom, so 6??
30. Do you have any hidden emergency money around your home? I'm sure my husband has some hidden in his safe, but I'm not allowed to have the code.
31. What color are your walls? This could take a while. Master bedroom is yellow, master bath is beige, hallways are beige, living room/dining room is green, kitchen is what I call diarrhea brown (but it's really pretty I promise!), half bath is beige, Ava's room is pink, her bathroom is green, guest room is beige, basement and basement bathroom are beige, one bedroom in basement is pink/green with pink/green stripes, and the other bedroom in the basement is purple/gray with purple/gray stripes
32. Do you keep any kind of protection weapons in your home? Are you kidding?? My husband has been hunting for 20 years. We have more guns than all branches of the military combined. I'm kidding of course, but we do have quite a few. They are locked up with the exception of one handgun that he keeps in the armoire in our room. I didn't grow up with guns in the house so to say it makes me nervous is an understatement.
33. What does your home smell like right now? Right now it has the fresh, aromatic lovely smell of sulfur. Our friggin septic system is at it again.
34. Favorite candle scent? Cinnamon, pumpkin spice, or anything apple. I'm all about fall/winter scents.
35. What kind of pickles (if any) are in your refrigerator right now? Dill of course!
36. What color is your favorite Bible? Umm...my favorite Bible?? The only one I have is the one my sorority gave me in college and it's white.
37. Ever been on your roof? Not recently, but I did used to get up on my parents roof and help my dad clean out the gutters when I was younger.
38. Do you own a stereo? Nope
39. How many TVs do you have? Too many. We have 6. One in the bedroom, one in the living room, one in the kitchen, 2 in the basement...one in the main part and one over by the workout equipment and one in my step sons room.
40. How many house phones? We have one main base with two extra remote bases....so 3.
41. Do you have a housekeeper? Shit I wish. Don't think I won't have one someday because I will. It's a lifelong dream of mine.
42. What style do you decorate in? I suck at decorating. I steal alot of ideas from Po.ttery Barn and buy the stuff at Tar.get or the Cra.te and Bar.rel
43. Do you like solid colors in furniture or prints? Normally solids, however my new double chaise lounge is striped and I'm completely in love with it. I'm sure I'll be sick of it in a few years, but maybe by then I can afford a slip cover.
44. Is there a smoke detector in your home? In every room of the house. However one needed a new battery about a month ago. Is it sad that I don't even notice the beeping anymore??
I do have more stuff to post about what's going on with the baby though. That to come soon....
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