The one that I never wanted to have to write

Well I thought I probably better give an update. I want to thank everyone who has sent good thoughts, they don't go unnoticed and I am going to need all I can get over the next few weeks. I've tried to make this as coherent as possible, so if it's jumbled or doesn't make sense, I'm sure you will understand.

The bleeding was off and on, just when it would stop it would start again heavier than it did before, so I called the doctor and went on in this afternoon. I kept telling myself that this was probably nothing to worry about, everything would be okay, just a little bleeding...crazy placenta placement or something. So I get there and he gets out the ultrasound machine and told me I get the award for most photographed unborn baby. This was going to be my 4th ultrasound after all. So things get going and "baby A" was moving, not as much as last time but enough to put my heart at ease. Then he gets to "baby B" and there was no movement. No worries he tells me, baby could just be taking a break. After searching for 5 of the longest minutes of my life, he can't locate the heartbeat. Says his machine isn't that detailed and he couldn't get the right angle. I should have known at this point I should be concerned. He also did the agonizing cervical check, no dilation so that's was a good sign. But he decides at this point to send me down to the Perinatal Diagnostic Center where they specialize in high risk pregnancies, and they have better equipment and can get better views and measurements there. So I go down there and wait, and wait, I think probably an hour went by before they finally called me back. I should have been smart at this time and called Matthew to come and be with me, but I still kept telling myself that everything was going to be OK.

I'm starting a new paragraph because this is going to be long. So the tech finally gets started. Not a super friendly lady for sure, and not one for talking. I always try to lighten the mood when things are tense and she just kept on doing what she was doing. She waves the wand over both babies, stops on the second one for a second and starts immediately going back and getting "baby A's" measurements. From what I could tell everything looked great there. Then the doctor came in and said something and left, and she ran out of the room after him. At this point, I knew. I just knew. The doctor finally comes in a little later and they go over all of "baby A's" measurements and it's actually measuring 14 weeks 6 days so 3 days ahead of where my last ultrasound said. I am taking this as a good sign. Then he politely, but honestly tells me that the reason they couldn't find a heartbeat on the second baby upstairs is that because there isn't one. He tells me he has no explanation other than there was probably something wrong chromasomally. By looking at the baby he saw no outward abnormalities. He also told me that although it is not uncommon, it was a little unusual for a twin to be lost in the second trimester. I know that it's not uncommon, and I knew that I was a greater risk because of there being 2, but I really thought once we hit 12 weeks we were in the clear. At this moment he also tells me that while baby A looks great, we're not out of the woods yet and I still could possibly lose that one too. I felt so alone. I had no one there to tell me it was going to be okay, just the doctor and the tech and all of their technical words. All I wanted to do was cry but I put on my brave face. I could see my lifeless baby just laying there, and while it was so hard for me to see, it looked so peaceful. Because I am still pregnant with another they will not be able to tell me what happened. They can't do a D & C so no tests can be run. They wouldn't even tell me when it died, and I should have asked if it was a boy or a girl but I just couldn't stomach that. My biggest fear had just been confirmed to me and I had no idea how to react. I literally felt like I had been kicked in the face and all I kept thinking was how hard the last 10 weeks have been on me physically and it was not fair to take this away from me. I mean just TWO weeks ago I saw this same lifeless body bouncing all over the place. And naturally any mother's first instinct is to blame them self. What did I do wrong, how could I have changed this and the bottom line is I did nothing wrong. Or so he says. He claims that if I had done something wrong both would have suffered and since the other was thriving he is convinced it was chromosomal. I know it's for the best, and as much as I hate the phrase right now I know this had a purpose behind it. Maybe one had to die so the other could make it, but not knowing is the hardest part.

I finally got out of there, found the nearest bench and lost it. I cried so hard I could barely catch my breath. I had to wait for 15 minutes to call Matthew, I did pretty good on the phone call to him but I lost it when I called my mom. Is it sad that I wanted to see her more than Matthew at the time?? But I just couldn't see anyone. I asked her if she could keep Ava for one more night and of course they said yes.

I don't want her to see mommy so upset. She has been going up to the u/s pics on the refrigerator and points and says baby! And when I ask her how many she says "two" while holding up two fingers. I just can't do that right now. And all I want to do is hold her and kiss her, but right now it's best for her to be around happy people, and mommy and daddy are just not happy right now.

I go back to my OB in 2 weeks and the perinatal for another ultrasound in 4 weeks, so please keep us in your thoughts. It's going to be a rough couple of weeks until we get through this. As I'm typing this, I'm starting to feel the onset of the cramping and contracting, something I never wished would happen. I can only pray that our remaining baby is strong enough to survive this, because right now I don't know that I am.