Time for a quick commercial break...EDITED

Sorry for the lack of posting...having major server/router issues and therefore Internet won't work (posting from a friends right now). My brother AKA major computer geek is supposed to be coming over tomorrow to fix/transfer some things out so hope to be back in business then.

On a side note, (and totally more for my benefit than yours)

Pregnancy related issues:

• Sore boobs (but not sure if that's from them actually being sore or them being sore from me poking them all day to see if they are sore)
• Tired, no EXHAUSTED. Sort of remember being this tired with Ava, but not with the twins. Her nap time can never come soon enough for me.
• Feel good other than that. By this point in my last pregnancy I was doped up with 2 anti-nausea medications, so hopefully that's a good sign, but I'm sure I just jinxed myself in saying that so I'll go ahead and make sure toilets are clean.
• Smells are starting to become stronger, but nothing really that bothers me...yet. Again, full force gagging was in effect by now with the last pregnancy. Just the smell of my house made me gag.
• First Dr. appointment is May 23...and NO ONE from my family will be here to celebrate in the joy. Matthew is on a 4 day fishing trip and mom and dad will be in FL. Boo.
• Speaking of family, we still haven't told anyone yet. I was really wanting to wait until after the appointment, but since my parents will be gone, we decided to go ahead and do it on Sunday. Things would have worked out perfectly however Matthew just found out TODAY that he is probably going to Brazil on Sunday. He was supposed to leave for Canada on Monday, but now they think it's more important to go to Brazil...per the President of the company. So I'll be telling my parents solo. Last two times were told within 3 days of finding out, so needless to say it's been TORTURE keeping this a secret.

Will let you know how it goes...I still think my parents have a hard time dealing with the fact that I DO have sex, but nevertheless they will be thrilled.

**Sitting here messing around and TOTALLY screwed up my template, back to square one!

Hope and Acceptance

I've been trying to get this post up for a couple of days, and I just can't seem to find the right balance of what I want to say. First of all I am speechless as to how to thank all of your for your endearing words of kindness and support. I am blown away at the responses that I got, and it has honestly helped me get through what so far has been the roughest week I can remember. I wish I had time to individually thank each and every one of you, but seeing as how my very active 19 month old doesn't think it's fair that I get to play on the computer when she can't, you can imagine I have very little time to myself.

I finally had a nice 30 minute discussion with my OB on Thursday. I tried to ask questions that I still had, best and possible options, and where do we go from here. As of then (and I guess as of right now) the baby is still alive, so even though the chances are slim that this is going to have a good outcome, we aren't ready to throw in the towel just yet. He asked me how I felt about delivering a baby with a heartbeat, and I can't, I won't, so we have decided to let nature take its course. I know what is probably inevitably going to happen, I am going to have to say goodbye to my baby but both the doctor and I would feel more comfortable if we gave it everything we have. So at this point he wants me to wait until my next ultrasound next Tuesday. Try telling that to my nerves because they are pretty much shot right now.

I have so many emotions going through me right now. I'm exhausted, sad, overwhelmed, mad but more than anything I'm scared. I'm scared how I'm really going to react to this once it is over. How am I going to grieve. How am I going to feel when this baby is no longer a part of me. I am not one that wears my emotions on my sleeve. I rarely cry in front of people. I like to pretend that I'm the strong one but inside I'm dying, I just want someone to take the pain away. As much as I'm ready for this to be over so I can begin to move on with my life, I want to cherish every minute I have because I don't know when it will be the last. But no matter how hard it is to be strong right now, I don't have a choice. I have to be there for my daughter, my husband, my family, but most importantly I have to be strong for this baby because as of right now it's still fighting. And that's more than enough motivation to keep me going.

Blogger Award

I have been nominated but not one, but two young ladies for the Rockin Blogger Award, and I promise to get my post together with my nominations as soon as I can. Thank you Connie and Whitney for the honor! (I'm too lazy right now to insert links)

I am currently holed up on the couch, trying not to move unless absolutely necessary. I do not remember feeling this bad at all when I was pregnant with Ava. I managed to get Phenergen from the Dr., but I'm either really sick this time or it doesn't work on me like it used to. It's keeping me from throwing up, but not keeping me from feeling like I'm gonna. My poor child is suffering too from the lack of attention from mama. I feel horrible, so to make it up to her I'm letting her watch hours and hours of Dora, The Backyardigans, Blue's Clues, anyhing so I can sneak in a few extra moments where I don't have to move and chase after her. And yesterday?? The dog pooped on the floor and I just left it there for a while. Gross, I know. But I thought I had less of a chance from throwing up if it at least had hardened a bit.

When I was pregnant with Ava, I was sick to my stomach alot, but as soon as I ate I was fine, and I ate ALOT. Hence the enormous weight gain. Now, no food is safe, no food tastes good, and if I make a wrong decision in a food choice I end up paying for it dearly for the rest of the afternoon. Today's culprit - Lemonade from Chick - Fil - A.

Be back ASAP...

Wordless Wednesday

Details to follow in another post, as I'm trying to digest what has just happened...