Late but not forgotten

Ava second birthday video

Easter Pics and Birthday Drama

This has been an absolutely insane week, and it's only Wednesday!

Easter was a lot of fun this year. She's really at the age where she's starting to "get it." Ava and I got up and went to church with my parents (Matthew had to take his son back home and the timing wasn't right for him to come with us) so I waited until after church to give her the Easter Basket. She was pretty excited for all of her goodies. I try not to expose her to a lot of candy, but this weekend I splurged and I'm sure I will now pay dearly for it.

By far her favorites were the suckers, and the candy necklaces/bracelets you see on your left. I'm STILL finding pieces laying around the house, they finally went in the trash this morning before she got up.

It looks like she's trying to share right, she's not. Sharing is not one of her positive traits yet. The only words I heard for about an hour were "open it NOW, please." It's easy to say no to a toddler that screams at you, it's hard to say no to one that screams and then says please.

The oh so precious jewels...the candy necklaces remind me of summer camp! Yes I realize she's probably a little too young, but she actually didn't really want to eat it, she just loves anything jewelry and I'd rather her break these, than anything of mine.

Most of the rest of the day was pretty uneventful. Sunday was also my birthday....my 32nd. It pains me to even write that. I honestly think that Matthew forgot. I'm usually pretty obnoxious about my birthday, counting down the days until it comes, and I think that helps him to remember. This year I didn't do that. Not because I wasn't excited (which really I wasn't) but because my due date was Saturday, and seeing the day get closer and closer really helped put things into perspective. I went out to the grave site, and put some pink tulips down...and seeing our permanent head stone that is now there, really hit home.

Going back to the story, it was 5:00 before I got any sign that he had remembered. No Happy Birthday, no hug, nothing. I wasn't pouting but I wasn't myself either. I was standing in the kitchen and I hear Ava running toward me and in her hands was a card for me, and right behind her was my husband with one. It was getting better, and then he made us dinner, cleaned the dishes (which he NEVER does), gave Ava a bath and got her in bed. Not a bad end to the day.

Now here's the birthday drama. My sweet little girl is turning 2...TOMORROW! Holy shit where has the time gone. The drama is about her party. Matthew and I wanted to have a close family cookout here at our house, have her open presents, cake...that kind of thing. If we did that there would be at least 18 people here which is PLENTY. My parents think we need to invite my whole damn extended family...aunts, uncles, cousins...everyone just because we did it last year. Matthew's mom is an only child, so he doesn't have cousins, aunts, uncles...and I have a large family on both sides. I have to invite my grandparents, there's no question about that. The problem is that both sides of my family live in small towns, see each other frequently, and will no doubt find out that we didn't invite them if we don't. So I'm stuck in the middle, I want to do what's best for us and for her but at the same time I want to please everyone. I guess it's not really so much drama, as it is frustration. I want this party to be fun for Ava, I want the planning to be fun for me, and right now it just seems that there's more conflict than there needs to be. In the end my parents will get what they want, and we will have to deal with the cost of food, as well as opening up our house to 30+ people.

Anyhoo, better get back to work. I'm desperately trying to get Ava's year video done by tomorrow, so hopefully you will hear from me then!

Bow chicka bow wow..

You will notice a new ticker on my page.

We've gotten there. We are finally at the point where we think we're ready to give this baby making thing another try. Of course we're been talking about it since "it" happened, but to really sit down and say, okay now is the time has been hard to do. We want another chance to prove that we can do it, and no matter what the outcome is, it IS worth any hardship/problem/devastation that may come from it.

My husband has really been on the fence, how can he not be. We went through a very traumatic event. My body was literally put through the ringer. I'm not going to say that we aren't scared, because we are but I keep trying to convince him and myself that what happened was a fluke. An accident, and it can't/won't happen again. We don't know that for sure, but we can only assume that since I've had one normal pregnancy, another one should not be unattainable. The hardest part about putting the ticker up there, is that my due date is/was March 22. I have a friend who gave birth to two healthy twins today (7 lbs a piece) and she was due two weeks after me so I know that those babies would be here by now. But they aren't, and every day since Nov. 15 I've gotten out of bed, realized how lucky I am to have what I have, and I've told myself that if I was supposed to have more children, than I will.

I'm sure should it happen again, the emotional aspects will be high. I'm sure to be on the emotional roller coaster from hell, but it will be worth it. My body is not where I want it to be, I've been working on losing weight since the beginning of the year, and it's proven to be a challenge in itself. This may be a short journey, it may be a long journey, and I'm sure it's going to be one hell of a scary ride.

Happy Birthday you rotten mutt

Even though at 3 years old you still find it comical to occasionally shit and leave zig zagged pee stains on my carpet, our life is better because you are in it. Thanks for being such a good sport during all the ear pulls, tail yanks, and weiner tugs that you have had to endure. Ava's best giggles come when she's playing with you.

We love you buddy

All about some pictures

I'm sure I have lots I could post on, but it's been a rotten week so I figured I could keep you happy and bombard you with pictures. Just so you've been warned.

Not the greatest pic here but the little devil would not sit still. This was the first (and only time so far) that I have been able to put pigtails in her hair. I have been dying for this moment, and God willing I'll be able to do it again. She won't wear bows, wear barrettes, nada, nothing.

This is what I found when I was changing her from a nap the other day. You can only imagine the marks that she had on her legs. I'm not even sure where she got these, but I'm a tad impressed with how she got them on.

This one sort of explains alot of things. She still won't keep her pants on, so I've resorted to at least trying to keep big girl panties on. You have no idea how many half naked shots I have of her, because no matter what else she has on, she MUST be wearing those stupid red boots. Yes they used to be cute, and now they are just big stupid red boots. And check out the killer thighs I'd like to think that she got my cheerleading/gymnastic legs, but that would require them to have much more fat. I'm already picturing teacher conferences where I have to apologize for her drop kicking the guy that pulls her hair.

I guess I should throw in a potty training story while we're sort of on the subject. Basically it's non-existent, which is okay by me. But she will say potty, we'll run to the potty, she sits for all of about 5 seconds, closes the lid and says "bye poo poo." Not quite where I'd want us to be but at least she sort of gets it.

This one has been requested a few times...these come in a strong second place as her second faves behind the red ones...but they are mommy's favorites so sometimes I win.

And this one is by far, one of my favorite pics of her. It's a tad blurry, but I just love her expression. And the blue eyes...enough said.

And these last few of us are at the George Strait concert last weekend.

Before the concert and therefore still sober.

Getting there...

Gone...but what a good time it was

Hope everyone didn't get sowed in this weekend.

Right...I DO have a blog

Hi, remember me? I honestly didn't even realize it had been so long since I posted something. My excuse, none other than I've been B-U-S-Y. It all started when Matthew went on another marathon trip to Brazil, leaving me to be a "single" mommy for almost two weeks. I hosted a bridal shower for a friend, which meant endless hours of cleaning, cooking and shopping, all while chasing around the miniature version of the Tasmanian Devil. I'm constantly amazed, and reminded of the boundless energy which my child has. (23 months old today by the way!)

Since Matthew was gone I spent Valentines Day at Chick Fil A with Ava and a friend and her kids, if that isn't romantic then I don't know what is. (totally irreverent to the rest of the post but since you might have been wondering what my special husband did for me, now you know)

Last Thursday I took off north towards Chicago (via Cincinnati to pick up another friend) for a kid free, girls weekend. Since the "great ice storm of 2008" was planning an attack, I managed to get out of here just in time, only to get STUCK in Cinci for the night. My friends normal 10 minute drive home turned into 1 hour and 45 minutes, so we decided it was in our best interest to wait until Friday morning to take off and go. Not sure why mother nature picked THAT weekend to wreak havoc, but I wasn't going to let her spoil my fun. We finally made it to Chicago at about 1, we ate lunch with my friend and then she left us laying on the couch for a couple of hours while she went and taught at the gym. That's right, you heard me, I drove all that way up there to lay on the couch, and you know what it was G-L-O-R-I-O-U-S. Friday night we hit a local martini bar with a good band and just played catch up. Stacy's a dear old college friend of mine, going through a divorce after less than 3 years of marriage (she actually found out he was cheating 9 months after they got married, tried to work it out and he sucks...nuff said) so a girls weekend was just what the doctor ordered.

Saturday we got up, hit BW3's to watch the UK game, and proceeded to head north to Wisconsin to shop. Let me just tell you that shopping after drinking is NOT always the wisest decision. My husband has yet to find out exactly what I spent, so I'm going to try and hide the AMEX bill when it comes this month! We came home with massive amounts of stuff...seriously enough to clothe a small army but totally worth it. We had a wonderful dinner (pizza) and headed out to a place called Austin's Fuel Room, which wasn't anything to write home about, that was UNTIL went into the next room to hear the band play. I could honestly say that Hi Infidelity was possibly the best cover band I have ever heard. I can't get the link to work, but if you are ever in the area, you should check them out. Website is www.HiInfidelity.com. They played anything from Journey, to Bon Jovi, to Tom Petty to old country classics. It's a damn shame that they are a local Chicago area band because I don't think it would take much for me to become a groupie. I think I might have had secret thoughts about the lead singer, probably because of the way he sang "Faithfully" to me. Okay, not directly at me, but close enough. I'm sure those warm fuzzy feelings were a direct result of the few beers, okay a lot of beers that I had, because Sunday morning I only had warm fuzzies for my hubby.

So that's where I've been. It's taken me 3 days to recover, and now I'm gearing up for some fun at the George Strait concert Friday night.

I'll leave you with a few pics from the trip, most of them will stay nicely saved on my computer for my eyes only.

Pics and updates of Ava to come, she's quite the character these days.

Stacy and me at the Martini Bar...


Stace, me and Haggard. Not sure why my boobs look like saddle bags...not the best pic but the most sober one of all 3 of us from the whole weekend.

Us watching our boys in blue.

At the Welcome to Wisconsin sign that I made her pull over for. For some reason I thought it was absolutely necessary to take this. Can you find me in the pic???? I'm the one with the ginormous beer gut...lord have mercy)

Truths and Lies, the Finale

Finally I'm getting around to this. My husband left Tuesday for Brazil, AGAIN, and I'm desperately trying to get my house ready for a Bridal Shower tomorrow. Doing that and taking care of a toddler alone has left me very little time for blogging. So without further ado, I bring you the conclusion to the truths and lies.

Truths:

#2 and #7

#2. I was adopted at 2 weeks old. I could not have been brought into a better family. Anyone who knows my parents, and my family knows how lucky I am. I thank God every day for them. My birth mother was 17, kicked out of her house, and was sent to a home for pregnant teens to complete the rest of her pregnancy. My birth father was not in the picture at the time. I have always known I was adopted, and I cannot remember a specific time when my parents told me. About 4 years ago I was contacted by my birth mother, and she and I have had minimal contact since then. She wants much more from the relationship than I want to give her, and as hard as it is on her, it's the way I want it. Maybe someday I'll post more about it on my other blog where I can go password protected. It's something I've been wanting to write about for a while, but haven't gotten around to it. The whole thing has given new meaning to me for parents who aren't able to have children of their own. My brother is also adopted, but obviously from a different family. He and I could NOT be more different. I used to hate going on vacations when I was younger for the fear that someone would think he was my boyfriend since we look nothing alike. He used to beat me up and I hated him, normal brother/sister things, but now we have a great relationship.

#7. I have only thrown up 9 times. That's going back to childhood, or as far as I can remember. And I CAN remember each time. The last time I did it was summer of 06, and before that it had been about 8 years since it happened. It's a big part of my anxiety disorder, another thing that I may talk about if I can get up the courage. Another one of my blogger buddies talked privately about this very same subject, and I am overwhelmed by her courage to talk about something so private. Only my closest friends know about it, and even though they may not understand it, they support me. And as sick as I was this last pregnancy, I never actually puked. Because that's just what my body does. Instead of getting it out and feeling better, it would rather keep it in and feel more like shit.

Lies:

#6 and #8

#6. I have only been 4 wheeling once in my life, and I was about 12. I came pretty close to flipping and becoming another ATV casualty, therefore I haven't been on one since. However, Matthew owns both a 4 wheeler and 2 dirt bikes and while the 4 wheeler is mostly used for his hunting excursions, he's been known to throw down and get crazy with it. And even though he's too big and looks ridiculous on a dirt bike, he takes that for a good spin occasionally too.

#8. While it did take me 6 years and 2 colleges to finally graduate, I only had 4 different majors, not 6. Although with as many hours as I had when I graduated, I should have had a double major.

So there you have it. Things you did and didn't know about me, and things you probably wish you never had learned!

2 Truths, 2 Lies...Part 1

So I mean to write this over the weekend, but lo and behold I got busy and I figured you wouldn't care to wait. I'll do this over two posts, and then I'll announce who came the closest.

Truths:

#1, and #3

#1. Both of my feet have webbed toes. I don't look like a duck, it doesn't make me a good swimmer, you probably wouldn't even notice them if you didn't know they were there. The only abnormal thing about my feet is that my toes are really short, but my feet are really long. I did ask the doctor at an early age to separate them. His advice was me was to go to the beach, and pay attention to peoples toes. I didn't do that, but I did find out that my third grade teacher also had them. She was my hero and I never thought about separating them again. If you are that curious, I'll post a pic.

#3. I have traveled extensively over seas. My first trip came as a Junior in college, when I participated as a cheerleader in the New Year's Day Parade in London. Fred Savage was the Grand Marshall of the parade, and I got to meet him. I thought I was the shit. Remind yourself this was 1993...so he WAS cool back then. I also went back there and spent 8 weeks studying abroad my senior year of college. Good times, good times.

My senior year my cheerleading team was one of 10 US squads to participate in an international competition in Tokyo. It was an incredible experience to say the least, it was hands down one of the cleanest cities I have ever been to.

My parents caught the travel bug many years ago, when my dad was on a traveling basketball team. They were able to go many places overseas and therefore when my brother and I were old enough they decided they wanted to pick up where they left off. My mom organized tours over the summers when I was in college, and over those 4 years I was able to travel to Spain, Morocco (WORST PLACE I HAVE EVER BEEN) , France, Switzerland, Italy, Scotland, Amsterdam, New Zealand and Australia...which was as Ava would say "Ah-sum"

Lies:

#4 and #5

#4. We did vacation as a family at the same place every year, but that stopped when I turned 16. The location was Hilton Head, and until 2 years ago I had not been back. Starting in the summer of 06, my best friend and I started going back with our kid(s), a tradition that I hope continues.

#5. I have not been a bridesmaid in 9 weddings, however one of my friends has. I have only been a bridesmaid in 4 (technically 5 if you count my best friend who got married in Vegas, but there was no dress for that one). And I didn't pass out, but a bridesmaid DID pass out at a wedding I was in back in 2006. And it was funny. And no one got it on video.

Part 2 continued tomorrow...I promise.

4 Lies, 4 Truths

I've seen this one going around, and I don't really have much else to write about, so here goes a little bit of see how well you think you know me! I'm going to do it a little differently, so here I bring you 4 lies and 4 truths. Leave your answers in the comment section if you want, I may or may not send out a prize, but you never know!


1. My second and third toes on both feet are webbed. When I was in third grade I begged my Dr. to separate them but he wouldn't .


2. I was adopted when I was 2 weeks old. My mother was 17, she was kicked out of her house and was forced to spend the remaining 3 months of the pregnancy in a home for pregnant, unwed, teenagers.

3. I have been overseas 6 times, and have visited 11 different countries not including Mexico and Canada.

4. My family and I have been going to the same beach for vacation every year that I have been alive.


5. I'm a serial bridesmaid, I've been a bridesmaid in 9 weddings and I have all of the dresses to prove it. I even passed out at one from the heat and standing too long.


6. Before I had Ava, I would ride dirtbikes and go 4 wheeling on the weekends with my husband and step son. I still go any chance I can.


7. I have only thrown up 9 times in my entire life. I can recall each and every time.

8. I had 6 majors in college before I ever graduated. It took me 7 years to finally finish.

Let's see how many get them right!

This is why you should leave handywork to the professionals

Do you ever have one of those days when you wake up and realize it's just going to be a bad day? Yeah, well today was one of those, and seeing as it's now 8:00, I hope that the worst for today is over.

So I know I mentioned back a bit ago about the leaky roof?? (don't know how to link back to that post so if you missed it, you may want to go back a few entries). Well see my husband was supposed to call someone to come out and look at it, BUT he decided that he wanted to wait until it rained again to see if he could see where the leak was coming from. I was under the impression that was THEIR job, not his, but since he makes the mortgage payments I went with it.

Fast forward to 6:15 this morning. I don't get up that early. I'm lucky to be out of bed by 8 (and please don't throw rotten tomatoes at me, I have a child that LOVES to sleep.) So I hear what appears to be drip, drip, drip and naturally I'm thinking, oh shit the roof. I summon husband from the basement couch, (he's been banned to sleeping down there until he gets over his nasty, crummy coughing crud, I've already had it and I don't want it again) and we realize that all the rain we've had overnight has caused the leak to increase, and is now all the way down part of the ceiling and dripping onto some furniture and the carpet. GREAT. Thankfully my father in law owns a construction company and didn't mind the 6:30 wake up call. He has someone coming to fix it tomorrow, but that doesn't solve our problem today. So Matthew decides he's still to sick to go to work so at the advice of his father in law, he climbs up in the attic and places a huge pan under the leak, hopefully avoiding any further damage. Here's where it gets interesting. All was good until after lunch, when I was getting ready to lay in bed and catch up with my second best friend, otherwise known as the DVR, when I heard that dripping sound again. Oh shit again was running through my head. This time it was leaking in a different place, around one of the lights. SO, Matthew decides that he probably needs to get another dripping pan and check the leak again. I'm in the kitchen when all of a sudden I hear a loud crash and him screaming out in pain. Initially my thought was how in the hell are the paramedics going to get him down from there. I hear him yelling for me to go to the bedroom, and to my horror this is what I saw.

Which was a result of this...

You guessed it, my handyman husband FELL through the ceiling in true Clark Griswold fashion. And what did I do?? Laugh hystericall of course. But after I made sure he was okay. He banged up his knee pretty bad and came pretty close to putting a smashing to his manly parts (thank you honey for not hurting those) but I just couldn't stop laughing. I mean what can you do. We are probably going to have to replace most of the ceiling in there already, so I mean what's another hole?? And the good thing about this is that we have MORE heavy rain and thunderstorms expected to move through. Hopefully my wake up call in the morning won't be rain or snow on my forehead.

Snow Day

We woke up to a little snow cover on the ground, and Miss Ava and I decided we needed to take advantage of this before it melts. We MIGHT have gotten a 1/2 inch, and of course schools all over the state were cancelled. Basically if there is a threat to get any snow at all, this entire area goes into survival mode, and I'm sure if I needed a gallon of milk right now I wouldn't be able to find one within a 50 mile radius. That's how we work in these parts.

So we got all dressed up (minus pants, she was still wearing her pajamas), and went out side for a bit. I also realized that the child doesn't have boots, so I broke the rules for my online shopping limits and just ordered her a pair of UG.G's, and I am going to get it for that. I don't know that I can justify spending that kind of money on shoes for her, but I would rather spend it in her than on me, so JUST THIS ONCE (yeah right) I'll indulge myself. She wasn't really sure what to do once we got out there, so she just decided it was best to stand still.

See how she's sort of frozen in her own footsteps?

Still trying to figure out what the hell this white stuff is.

This is his "I'm done" look. He ironically enough went back inside a good 5 minutes before us, and just stood and watched us from the window.

Crazy Week

To say it's been a crazy week would be an understatement. I took Ava to the doctor on Monday to check out a cough that she's had for a week or so and it turns out that she had a double ear infection as well as an upper respiratory infection. Only her second ear infection so far (knock on wood) but the coughing was keeping us all up at night and it needed to stop. Take that and add "I" teeth finally breaking through, 8547 temper tantrums and I can say I've seen better weeks. To top it all off my parents are in FL for a month, Matthew worked late almost every night, and I came close to pulling a Britney and shaving my head. It would have saved me the trouble and energy of pulling each and every hair out.

In Ava news, I know I mentioned a while back that she was taking her clothes off in her crib, leaving much to be desired when I would get her up. Well I did solve the problem temporarily by putting onesies or body suits on under anything she had on. That worked....for about a week and now she has figured out how to pull the tabs of her diaper through the onesie, and while she can't quite get it all the way off, she can get enough of it off so that the goods still come out. It wouldn't be such a problem except for that she is now OBSESSED with putting her hands down her pants, and you can imagine what a mess this can create. Just today, I got her up from her nap and she had poop smeared all over her pants, shirt, arms and face. Immediately to the tub we went. This child now bathes on average of 2 times a day. I don't know what else to do. She's not interested in the potty. She will say potty and sit on it for a few minutes, and if she's naked she will get up and immediately find a more suitable place to go. I guess I just have to be thankful that my dog seems to think that baby pee is just as good as water.

Anyway, I haven't posted pics of her in a while so here are a few recent ones. Enjoy...

Anyone else think she resembles the mad scientist here?

Sitting in her big girl chair. One of my many recent Pott.ery Barn purchases. I have since been banned from shopping there from my husband.

Doesn't the dog just look thrilled to have her on his back?? Notice the medicine bottles in her hand. She is borderline obsessed with these. Bad yes, but you will be happy to know that the lids are on VERY tight.

Clearly getting good use out of her new easel. And yes she has fallen off, and does it stop her from doing it again?? Not a chance.

And last but not least a little video for your viewing pleasure. I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry at this one. Everytime I clean she insists on having her own cleaning rag, and stuff to spray. I pretend to spray it and she will go around and wipe down where I've just cleaned. Let's hope she still likes to clean when she's 10.

A not so great start to 2008...

It would be nice to catch a break somewhere. I was laying in bed this afternoon, getting ready to take my daily afternoon nap, and I look up and this is what I saw. The picture to the left is of the tray ceiling in my bedroom, to the right is above a window in Matthew's office. Rooms which are not close together.

Yes we've had a shit ton of rain lately, but seriously, this house is less than 2 years old, and in the almost 8 months that we've lived here we've had two leaky toilets, problems with the septic tank, and now a leaky roof. Apparently I could have done a better roofing job. And you know what's more convenient? The house was under warranty until Dec. 2007. So, I assume on Monday I'll be expected to write yet another check for something in which we cannot afford. This might be a good time to get my online shopping addiction under control before the roof literally caves in.

Come out come out wherever you are!

Since it's apparently national de-lurking week, I figured I would jump on the band wagon and ask my lurkers to come forth, if I have any! I know people don't comment everytime I post (I'm guilty of doing things to other people, just because I don't post doesn't meant I'm not reading) but this would be a good time to say hi. I'm always looking for new blogs to read too!

Moving...sort of

I decided to do something that I've wanted to do for a while, and I created a new blog. I am beginning to feel that I'm not giving this one the attention that it needs because of what happened, and I'm missing out on journaling many things that are going on in Ava's life.

This is my happy place, but I also need a place to go when I'm sad, when I need to bitch, or when I just need to vent about the things that have happened. I want this blog to be about Ava, and other things obviously, but I need somewhere to go where I can deal with feelings about the pregnancy that I lost.

So, if you feel like coming with me, I'm over at Grief is a journey

I will still be posting here, hopefully with more frequency than I'm doing now...

New Year...Better times ahead

Goodbye 2007, year from hell, and HELLLLOOOO 2008. Two days into the New Year, and already I feel better that I never have to write 2007 again. It truly was a hard year for our family. We lost 4 family members, (2 of those happened right at Christmas time), we almost lost my father, and we lost 2 babies. I have never been so excited for a year to end, and I know that 2008 has to be better. It can't get any worse right?


I got away for a few days and went down to Nashville to watch my beloved Cats win their second straight bowl game. It was nice to get away, and Matthew offered to stay behind and take care of Ava. Matthew and my parents were both supposed to make the trip, but my parents had to stay behind to attend a funeral and Matthew agreed to let me have some time off. It was much needed and appreciated! And in all honesty I needed a break from him too. He's been on vacation for 3 weeks (starts back at his old job next week) and he's driving me bonkers. I love him and it's been a godsend to have him here to help me but at the same time I'm not used to having him around all the time.


Everyone is talking about their New Year's resolutions, and just like everyone else mine are pretty simple. And my top goal is to of course is to lose weight. I never got it all off after I had Ava, and if I decide to do the baby thing again, I want to make sure my body is as healthy as it can be.


Second on the priority list is to get Ava potty trained, and quick. She's quickly learned how to take off her clothes, and apparently now she's learned how to undo snaps and zippers. Case in point, the past 4 mornings she's greeted us stark naked, diaper on the floor, and a soaking wet bed. Sheets, blankets, and stuffed animals have had to be washed. Thankfully she's been kind enough not to poop in there, and as cute as it is, it's getting old fast. I'm in desperate need of ideas of what to do. I guess for now I'm going to have to go back to putting onesies on underneath her PJ's, but I'm sure it won't be long until she figures that one out too.


I hope everyone had a safe one, here's to 2008 being a kick ass year!

Merry Christmas!

I hope that everyone had a wonderful holiday! Three days of non stop action has left us all a little tired and grumpy, but it's all worth it to see your children smile.

Time Flies...

6 years ago today Matthew and I had our first date. If you would have told me back then what we as a couple would go through until this point, I probably would have quickly run in another direction. But looking back now the good times definitely outweigh the bad, and I would never want to experience anything in life with anyone else. Even though there are times that I would like to throw him out to a pack of wolves, I love him, we were meant to be together, and going through what we have has only made us a stronger couple. I know that I truly have a partner in life, and together we can make it through anything.
Happy "anniversary"

The story - Part 2

So it's safe to say that my body went through alot that day. Once again, induction had brought on fast and furious labor, something that this time I was thankful for.

Matthew came in just in time to see the aftermath and talk to the doctor, and then we were left alone in the room to digest what just happened. We had decided that we did want to see her, hold her, and tell her goodbye. Once she was delivered she was taken away to be cleaned up, dressed and to have her picture taken, just like they do with regular newborns at this hospital. We just sat there, acting like nothing had even happened. We laughed, talked on the phone with friends, I begged and waited for food (I hadn't eaten in what seemed like forever). At about 7:00, the nurse walked in and we just stopped talking. She brought our precious baby to us and at that very moment in unison we sobbed. I never imagined to have that wave of emotion hit. I had never felt so hopeless in my life. I studied everything about her. To me, she looked perfect. She was small, but perfect. And then I noticed her lips, and how they looked just like Ava's. She was cold, and her body was rapidly fading as the minutes passed. We both held her, and kissed her, and I told her how sorry I was that I couldn't protect her, but that it was her job to go to heaven and be with God and her sister.

We called for the nurse to come and get her, this was to be the last time that we would see our baby. Matthew stayed with me for another 30 minutes or so, then they came to move me to my new room. I was moved to a room far from the mother/baby unit to recover. I had no baby to take care of, but my body had still been through hell. It hurt like hell to pee from having the catheter, I could barely sit up because of the pain in my back from the epidural, and my right leg was still numb. I sent Matthew home, and my mom came and sat with me for a while. She desperately wanted to be there for me during the night, but my dad had just gotten home that same day from having heart surgery and she needed to be with him. I was in good hands, and honestly, I just wanted to be alone. I was desperately trying to digest what had just happened, and just like how it was before they brought her to me, I sort of acted as if nothing had happened. I turned on the TV, and tried to rest. I don't know what made this trip to the hospital so different, but I literally was getting woken up ever 30 minutes. Blood pressure check, blood taken, more antibiotics. It was insane. Not to mention the urge to pee every 30 minutes or so due to the massive amounts of fluids that were being pumped through my body. I had to pee in a measured cup, and I had to call the nurse each time I went so she could measure and dump it out. I also got the lovely uterus massage every 2 hours or so to check for bleeding. Some things I definitely had forgotten from Ava's birth, and I WILL NOT forget them next time, if there is a next time.

Morning finally came and I could not wait to see my Dr. so I could get the hell out of there. He came, gave me my marching orders (no sex, tampons) for 2 weeks, and business as usual. By this point, I was feeling much better and really felt as if nothing had even happened. Again, where were my emotions?? Why wasn't I more upset? Was I setting myself up for a delayed reaction? I could tell he was worried that I might fall into depression, but I wasn't worried, I mean I am a strong person right?? We had a brief talk with the bereavement counselor, we were given a bunch of information on websites, we were told how to go about retrieving her body, and then we were given the all clear. And instead of being wheeled out in a wheelchair, we were allowed to walk out. Apparently when you give birth to a dead baby you are allowed to do whatever the hell you want. As I walked out the doors, it hit me. This was really over, we were leaving the hospital without our baby.

Instead of a baby to take home and feed, I was sent home with Ace Bandages to wrap around my chest so my milk wouldn't come in. Instead of a baby to bring home I was sent home with a keepsake box of pictures, a pillow and the blanket where she was laying when she had her pictures taken. Instead of a baby to bring home, I was sent home with a broken heart, an empty belly and a confused soul.

The rest of that day was spent together, trying to laugh, but not trying not to cry. We cried, we hugged and we did what I didn't think I was ready to do. We opened the box and looked at her pictures. I took out the blanket and I smelled it, it smelled like her. I slept with it that night and it has not left my bed. I put everything back in the box, along with all of our ultrasound pictures and sympathy cards, and I closed it. It hasn't been opened since.

Two weeks ago I went for my follow up visit, and was cleared to resume all activities. I was also sent home with 3 sample paks of birth control pills. It's reality and reality sucks. Instead of getting to enjoy, or not enjoy the last three months of pregnancy, I am now back on birth control, trying to let my body and my mind heal in case I want to jump on this roller coaster again.

I really have been trying to have as much faith during this as I can, but it's hard. I'm so mad that they were both taken away from me. Two babies, I lost two babies. I will never get to see their first smiles, hear their first laughs, hear their first words or watch them take their first steps. I'll never send them off on their first day or school, watch them go off to college, dance on their wedding days or become mothers themselves. These are the things that hurt so much.

I dealt with the first one better because there were obvious things wrong. This last one? Makes me sick sometimes to think about it. It still sometimes feels like a dream. She was perfect. And from what we know right now, she died because of what happened to the first one. I keep hearing people say that they were meant to stay together, they weren't meant to be separated...blah blah blah and I know they are probably right but that means nothing to me right now. I just want my baby girls back. And I'm constantly asking myself why/how didn't I realize something was wrong?? Our job as parents are to protect our children and I was the only one who could and I didn't. I know it wasn't my fault and I know there wouldn't have been anything else I could have done. And the scary thing is, that hypothetically if either myself or the Doctors would have noticed my water broke after we lost the first baby, chances are this pregnancy would have ended much sooner, my parents would have taken off for Florida, and then who knows what would have happened with my father and his heart problems.

I could NEVER, ever wish this to happen to anyone, not even my worst enemies. I have such a new found respect for women who have suffered losses and I have found/met some amazing people in the past month. It's absolutely unfair that any woman would have to suffer through something like this. I never thought I would be turning to grief support groups for this, I never thought this would or could happen to be, and I never thought that because of this situation I would become a grim statistic. But I have, it did, and I am. And I will deal with it.

We buried Anna Grace last Tuesday, December 4. It was a small graveside service with our parents, Ava, and our minister. Matthew and I decided we didn't want her buried alone, so we purchased our burial plots, and she is buried where my feet will be. The days are getting better. I'm taking it one at a time, and that's all I can do. I let myself cry when I feel sad, and laugh when I'm happy. I still have a family to take care of, and a love able, high maintenance toddler who needs my undivided attention. The pain is fresh, and I know over time it will ease but it will never go away. They will always be a part of me, and knowing that we have two angels that we will meet again someday makes it easier to move on. In life I have been a very lucky person, and I still feel that way. I just had some unfortunate things happen along the way. And because of these I will come out a stronger person.

Rest in peace baby girl....

Long overdue - The story part 1

First of all I wanted to say that, again, I was BLOWN away at the response and the support that I have received. You all are truly my bright spot through all of this, and I can honestly say that each and every one of your comments brought tears to my eyes, and each one of them was exactly what I needed.

I've been trying for over a week to get this post out, but we were all sick last week, Ava wasn't sleeping, and then Saturday I strained all of my lower back muscles bringing Christmas decorations up and was flat on my back in bed on muscle relaxers for 2 days. It's just been one thing after another. I'm breaking this into two parts, because let's be honest, I have alot on my mind, I have alot to say and I don't want to forget a single moment of that day.

It all started on November 13. I started having some more bleeding, and had been having light contractions for a few days. I paged my doctor and he told me that he wanted to see me the next day. I didn't sleep that night. Somehow I just knew that this was the end, and I wanted to cherish every last minute that I had with my baby. Wednesday rolls around and when I get into his office he does an exam, and realizes that YES I am indeed leaking fluid. This was both good and bad news. The good news was that they now had a reason to admit me to the hospital to induce labor, the bad news was that even though I thought I had prepared myself for this, I would be losing my baby the next day. I still look back and wonder how I didn't know this was happening. I was NOT ready, at all. We did everything that we could. This baby just would not make it without the fluid, and as much as we wanted this baby, this pregnancy, we didn't want for her to suffer. If we would have made it to 26 weeks they would have considered it a viable pregnancy and the baby would have been born and would have struggled to breathe without the lung development. I was not willing to let my baby suffer and at this point the Doctor told me I had no other choice. They diagnosed me with fetal demise, sent me home with a prescription of Cyto.tec and told me to report to the hospital at 6:00 AM that next morning. I should also mention that this same day (Wednesday) my father was in the same hospital have 3 more stints put in. Who would have guessed that my dad and I would be patients at the same hospital at the very same time.

Walking into labor and delivery brought me back to the day when Ava was born, but this time we knew we were not going to have a happy ending. We knew we would not be bringing a baby home with us, yet I still had to put my body through the whole labor process. I got to my room, looked at baby warmer and all of it's surroundings, looked at the heart monitor that wouldn't get used, and realized this was going to be even harder than I had imagined. My nurse came in at that point and right away she put me at ease. She answered alot of questions we had, and she had some tough ones for us. Did we want to see the baby, did we want to hold the baby, were we going to name the baby, were we going to bury the baby or did we want the hospital to take care of it for us. Alot of questions that up until then we really hadn't thought much about. She also mentioned to us that she put a sign on our door with a purple heart, an indication for all staff that this was a dead pregnancy. As horrible as it was, it saved alot of grief we could have encountered if someone came in and tried to congratulate us. We continued through the 8000 questions and then at about 8:00 came my first cervical check, and another round of Cyto.tec. At this point I had dilated enough for her to determine that the cord was actually pushing through my cervix. She told me that if this was a full term pregnancy I would been rushed straight to the operating room for a C-section.

My doctor came in about 8:30 and I could just see the sadness in his eyes. He did another check to see how I was progressing, gave me a hug and told me he would be back around lunch time. From here we just sort of hung out. I had been having contractions since the night before, but they weren't anything to write home about. I assumed this is sort of what it felt like to naturally go into labor. Contractions spaced out, not lasting very long, etc. My labor with Ava was induced and it was fast, hard and furious. Another story, another post. Things started to get a wee bit uncomfortable at about 11, and my nurse all but shoved the Sta.tol in my IV. I didn't think much of it because I had it with Ava and I actually kind of enjoyed. This time IT WAS AWFUL. I felt it immediately, and within 3 minutes I was shaking, sweating and on the edge of throwing up all over the place. I wanted it to go away so badly I started crying. I was miserable. I managed to get them to give me some Reg.lan for the nausea which helped, but then as I started to get more lightheaded my blood pressure machine was going crazy and the next thing I knew she was giving me Ephed.rine as my blood pressure was dropping pretty low. When I finally realized who I was again, I found out it had dropped to 86/50.

It was about this time that she also was convincing me to get an epidural. I went in there telling myself that there was no need for me to have one, I could handle the contractions and it wasn't like I was going to be pushing out a 7 lb. baby. I mean how bad could it be right??? Well what they forgot to tell me was that more than likely after all of this I would be wheeled to the OR for a D&C. Apparently when you deliver this early the placenta does not often detach and that procedure is necessary to get it all out, so I was advised to get the epidural then so that they would be able to do the procedure promptly after the birth while my cervix was still dilated. All I kept thinking to myself was "what now!" The epidural lady came in and it was much worse this time than my last time. I wasn't in a whole lot of pain and I could feel everything she was doing, not to mention it seemed to take forever. I had only had the Sta.tol for about 30 minutes when I got the epidural so at this point I could barely keep my eyes open. I tried and tried to sleep, and every time I would close my eyes I felt like the room was spinning. And it's not like I could use the old school drunk trick of putting my foot on the floor. I was numb (at least my right half was). Once my leg did fall of the side of the bed and it wasn't pleasant. I think my doctor might have come in at some point during all this, but I was beyond out of it by this point.

I managed to sleep for a little while and then woke up when they shift changed for nurses. The doctor had said he would be back at about 5 so I thought we had plenty of time and I sent Matthew off to lunch. I had a nice little chat with my new nurse and after hearing about her pregnancy nightmare, I promised myself never to complain again. She had such severe hyper.emesis that she puked at least 30 times a day. She said she was hospitalized 4 times for dehydration, had to give herself IV fluids on all of her breaks, and literally could not keep food or water down. She lost 14 pounds, had placenta previa early on, and then ended up having to deliver 8 weeks early. Her little boy spent 4 weeks in the NICU but is okay now. She went on and on, I could not believe this poor girl went through that. We kept chatting and it was about this time I noticed I could feel each contraction on my left side, and they were getting stronger and coming closer together. (Something about my left side does not take too well to the epidurals. That happened with Ava too) So I asked her for some more medicine, she went to check and of course the anesthesiologist was in an emergency C-section so I was going to have to wait. No biggie. This was about 3:30. At about this time my doctor happened to peek his head in, and I asked him to check because of all the pressure. He did his thing and at that point he just pulled the baby out. All I could see was a precious, tiny little baby who looked perfect to me, even though I knew it was dead. I knew the exact moment that it died, just something I felt.

It wasn't until about 3 minutes later that they told me it was a little girl. I was crushed, yet somehow I knew it was a girl long before this happened. We had decided that we did want to see her, so they took her for a while to get her cleaned up and pictures taken. He decided at this point he wanted to try and get the placenta out, to alleviate the need for me to have a complete D&C. Lord I had no idea what I was about to see, and feel. I was still numb and I don't want to get into the gory details of it all, but I felt like I was a pumpkin being carved. There was blood and yucky stuff everywhere. Matthew was still not there, he missed the whole thing and as much as I needed him, part of me is glad he didn't have to see me like that. My doctor and I had plenty of time to chat, and I learned some pretty personal things about him that he apparently doesn't talk about too often. I know I've talked about how much I love my Doctor, but hearing his stories about his own heartache brought it to a whole new level. He understands, he's been there and he really was sorry about what we were going through. He went and cleaned up, came gave me another hug and he was on his way.

Matthew got back right before the doctor left, the procedure was complete, yet we still hadn't gone through the hardest part of it all.