Southern Bella

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-24T19:32:00.002-05:00

I know I haven't been around much, but just wanting to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. Hoping to be back in full swing in the New Year...

How I spent the past 2 days

2008-11-25T20:40:00.004-05:00

Here's some photographic evidence. Pics are from the cell phone and are beyond crappy but you get the idea. I've also been eating a shit load of chocolate chip cookies.

For weeks I've been putting off packing up Ava's summer stuff, but when I did her last load of laundry and realized that I couldn't possibly put anything else in the closet, I decided it was time. What I didn't realize is that I completely neglected to put away her winter stuff from LAST year, so I had more work to do than normal. I always hate putting the stuff away because it makes me incredibly sad that she will never wear this stuff again. But, anyway, it's done, and now her closet looks almost empty. The only solution I have for that is more shopping.

I'm going to try to post again tomorrow, but really we all know that won't happen so I hope everyone has a safe and Happy Thanksgiving. I'm off to work on getting my house ready for 25 peeps on Friday. And I might have another cookie Yes, I'm crazy.

Here I go again..

2008-11-15T10:07:00.004-05:00

I feel like all I think and talk about lately is the significance of this month last year. November 2007 will forever be etched in my mind. On one hand we celebrate that we did not lose my dad from the massive heart attack that he had, but on the other hand we grieve for the loss of our babies. Today marks the one year anniversary that I lost our second precious girl. Today, in the cold and rain, I will make my first trip to the cemetary in several months to lay flowers in memory of her. That day, November 15, 2007 forever changed who I am as a human being. As hard as it was to go through something like that, I'm greatful that I have been able to pull through and come out as a better person, and a better mother because of it.

Perfect Timing...

2008-11-11T12:35:00.003-05:00

You will notice, just below her right eye, appears to be my precious baby girl's first shiner. I have NO idea how it happened. She's as rambunctious as a bull so lord only knows. All I do know is that she has pictures on Friday with my favorite photographer of all time, so it better be gone by then.

Chaos

2008-11-03T11:50:00.002-05:00

Meet the newest addition to our family.

Matthew was hunting on his farm this weekend and literally almost ran her over with his 4 wheeler. She appears to be mostly Australian Shepherd but there must be something else mixed in. She's a really sweet dog and her face is precious, but lord have mercy she has alot of energy. I'm used to the dog that literally sleeps unless he's eating or going to the bathroom so having her in the house has been a major change for us. I'm afraid that she might run Harley to death.

Once Matthew found her she wouldn't leave his side, he even tried to lose her a couple of times and would find her back at their camper at night. Me being the sucker that I am told him to bring her home. She's in pretty rough shape. She's underweight and has knots in most of her fur, so I'm taking her to the vet today and the groomer on Wednesday and hopefully everything will be okay with her. Ideally I get to the vet today and they can find a micro-chip but I'm not counting on it. Especially because it looks like she's never even had a collar on.

Harley's tail has been wagging since the second she stepped in the door, and Ava was running around this morning screaming "two doggies mommy!" We aren't 100% sure at this point that we will keep her, but unless I find somewhere that I know she would be taken care of, she can stay right here. I just hope that I'm not making the wrong decision.

I suck at blogging...

2008-10-29T11:55:00.004-04:00

And I'd like to say that I have a ton of excuses of why I haven't posted in what seems like forever, but I don't. I'm busy, but no busier than anyone else. I'm really just trying to soak up every ounce of Ava that I can because this little girls is literally growing up right before my eyes.

Last week I finally took her out to one of the local pumpkin patches around here. It was cold but we decided to go on a weekday to avoid the large weekend crowds. I also dragged my parents with us, because let's face it, Ava would probably pick doing something with my dad over me 9 times out of 10. That was definitely evident that day after we got back to their house as she REFUSED to come home with me, clinging to every inch of his leg and actually telling me to leave, she was staying with papa. Lord help me with this child.

Anywho here are some pics of the day.

Cheezing it up for the camera on the way.

Hanging with grandma while looking at the chicks and bunnies

Her hat's too small and her face is dirty but I love this pic.

In front of the "haunted farmhouse," which I thought she would totally hate. We had to drag her out of there after about the 7th time through. I think it freaked me out more than it did her.

With me on her very first hayride

Hanging with our pumpkin stash, waiting for the tractor to take us back.

With her papa on the way back.

Up next, my attempt to carve pumpkins. This outta be interesting...

A post is long overdue but...

2008-10-15T20:25:00.004-04:00

In honor of today being National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I took some time tonight to light candles for those we have lost.

Please pray for all those families out there who also have suffered the loss of a child.

On a slightly lighter note, as soon as Ava saw the candles, she immediately got excited, sang Happy Birthday and tried and eventually succeeded at blowing the right one out.

One year

2008-09-24T18:23:00.003-04:00

It was one year ago today that my life as a mother changed forever. This day last year I learned that I would not be bringing two babies home, and the life of the remaining baby was hanging in the balance.

Words still cannot describe the pain I felt that day, but there was still hope that I would be bringing home one healthy baby.

Little did I know.

The memories of my pregnancy are fading, but the pain I feel over that loss is always there. I don't cry about it anymore, but I think about them and say a prayer every single day. The what if's can be overwhelming at times, but I've proven to myself that even though nothing will ever be the same again, I can and have moved on. That experience has forever changed who I am as a person, and who I am as a mother. I have more dead children than I do living ones. No one should ever have to write that.

Bitchin cuz I wanna

2008-09-16T19:27:00.002-04:00

Today has been just one of those days. One where if I would have been able to predict who would call and what would happen, I would have pulled up the covers and stayed in bed.

It started with a call I got at 8:30 from Ava's Parents Day Out teacher. Started the day off wrong, I'll go into details about it in a minute.

I want to shout out to everyone that has been affected by Ike. We had massive winds here on Sunday as a result of the storm, and for us to suffer any damage this far away pales in comparison to what some people are facing. We came home to find several sections of shingles missing from our roof. With all the problems that we've had I'm all for ripping the damn thing off and replacing it with a permanent sun light.

We had our home inspection on the old house yesterday. Just as a precaution I went over to make sure none of the smoke detectors were beeping and the air filters were clean. I pulled up to find our one and only tree in the front yard totally snapped in half. Guess it's a good thing we already sold the house.

Ava's sleeping habits and attitude are pushing me closer to the edge insanity. I was pretty close before but lately she's been completely unmanageable. So unmanageable that when I "try" to discipline her she throws her hands on her ears and rolls her eyes. I'm being played like a fiddle.

Matthew's being a total ass. PMS in rare form. I actually went to the store and made dinner tonight, for him to come home, tell me he wasn't eating it and therefore will take care of himself now. He complains if I don't cook, complains if I do. I can't win.

I left my grocery list at home, drew a complete brain fart and forgot about half of what I needed. Most importantly dog food. Ava dropped her prized blankie at the check out line at Wal-Mart. I searched all over the damn place to realize it was the last place we actually were.

I desperately want a new layout to my blog, and found the best website where you can upload cute ones for free, and I'm a complete and total idiot and apparently cannot follow directions.

A friend of mine got some bad news from a MRI he had Friday. Has a mass on his temporal lobe. Not sure what that means but he has 3 kids. He's a total turd ball but I'm putting my feelings and animosities aside and hoping and praying for the best.

Gosh I'm really whiny today.

Going back to the call from her teacher. She started last Monday, so yesterday marked her second day. Not much time in my opinion to get a feel for how a child is really going to be. She cried last week when I dropped her off. Got the report when I got her that all was fine. Dropped her off screaming yesterday, they told me not to worry about it, they could handle it and all was fine. When I picked her up both teachers said she was fine, she had some moments but nothing to worry about. She called today to tell me that Ava was indeed very hard to comfort yesterday, that she cried alot, and they don't think she's ready to stay there from the scheduled time of 9 - 2. Nothing that any mother wants to hear. I was SHOCKED. This was coming from the same mouth that at the orientation 3 weeks ago said they would a.) call if a child could not be consoled, b.) would ask the parent what to do to console the child, c.) would recommend that even if the child wasn't happy, they could handle it and would not recommend changing things unless there was an extreme circumstance. She tried to make it seem like after 2 weeks...she could determine that this is how Ava was going to be. She went to this SAME Parents Day Out last year, and I had NO complaints about her. I loved her teacher and was devastated to learn that Ava wouldn't be in her class this year. I'm at a loss as to what to do. The teacher suggested that we try her from 9 - 12 next week. That does nothing for me. I'm going to be sitting, watching the clock, wondering what's going in that classroom. I understand their concern for what's going on there and if she's disrupting then we need to figure out what to do, but after only 2 times???? I would think that when you are dealing with 2 1/2 year olds no assumptions can be made that fast. She does have a tendency to cry SOMETIMES when I drop her off in unfamiliar situations, but never for more than 5 minutes and no one ever says anything about it. Even at the orientation I didn't get a real sense of compassion from this woman, and my feelings are pushing me stronger to take her out completely. I do not want to do it. I know there are going to be times as she gets older when I get phone calls about her behavior. There are going to be times when I don't like her teachers. But we have to deal with it. They are supposed to be trained to deal with these kids. This is good for Ava, and for me but if it's going to do her more harm in the long run I'll yank her out. I have no problem doing that. Maybe I'm overreacting, or maybe I'm just being a concerned parent, something I really haven't been forced to deal with yet.

I'll continue my pity party alone, maybe with a glass, or bottle, of wine.

SOLD!

2008-09-10T13:27:00.002-04:00

Most of you all probably didn't realize that we didn't sell our old house when we moved last May. We kept it empty for a while and then let a friend stay there for 2 months while he was in the midst of a divorce. It officially went on the market in February, and as of today there is a contract on it, closing set for the first week in October...AND we even made a little money in the process. We are definately not going to miss paying that mortgage! Maybe I can now convince my husband to put in a pool...hmmm.

Isn't he supposed to roll out the red carpet for me???

2008-09-07T20:55:00.003-04:00

Ugh, I'm home. Don't take it wrong, I'm damn happy to be here but for me the first days after a vacation are rough. I missed my husband, my dog, and my cat (in that order) tremendously, but lord have mercy I have been moving non stop since we got home at 3:30. I left the house clean, it's not. I left the laundry baskets perfectly empty. They are overflowing. I left the sink clean and the dishwasher empty. They both are full Cleaning lady is coming at 8 in the morning. House is not ready. I didn't expect it to be as perfect (HA) as I left it, but it's actually not as bad as I thought. I did laugh however because the comforter on our bed is turned completely sideways! It's striped so it's easy to tell, but I guess I gotta give the guy a little credit for at least attempting to make the bed.

My sweet little princess starts back at Parents Day Out in the morning so I had to make a trip to the store to make sure her picky food needs are met. Which normally would not be a problem but there's a kid in her class with a peanut allergy so therefore nothing peanut related can be sent. She went last year but according to the orientation that I attended just before we left, this year it's a whole new ball game. So....her bag for tomorrow is packed, her lunch is ready, her cute new first day outfit is laid out (I got it in Hilton Head so no need to wash), she's bathed and in bed (THANK GOD) and mom's about to collapse. I have about 8 (not kidding, see pic below) bags to unpack and put away, dishes to load, and laundry to do. And since my computer's been a piece of you know what for 5 days, I have 5 days of pics, emails, and blogs to catch up on.

Even though no one probably really cares about the rest of my vacation, I'm going to write about it. Soon. Because there were some really good, funny, sad, and happy times and even if no one else wants to read about it, I want to make sure I can remember what I can. This is the vacation spot where I grew up, and I want to be able to share this with Ava some day.

We pack light, no?? I have an SUV, so trunk space is pretty large...ridiculous really. And that's only the back part.

Hunkering Down

2008-09-05T15:06:00.002-04:00

Just got word from the rental office here that pretty much everything is shutting down here at 5 in order to let people get home. By 7 we should be rocking. It's still a Tropical Storm but is expected to hit Category 1 strength by the time it hits land. At this time they are predicting the center of the storm to hit about 60 miles north, but it's shifting west so we might be in for a bumpy night. We have plenty of food, water, a flashlight and even some candles that the rental office handed us and I don't feel at this time that we are in any immediate danger. With 2 kids, if I thought we were, we would have left already. My best friend's family (Andrea who is with me) used to own a condo where were staying and it survived Hugo back years ago so I definitely feel safe. We are sitting here out on the porch, watching the trees sway and admiring the white caps on the water, and in a way, this sort of excites me. I've never been part of something like this.

I'll try to post more tomorrow...will update the rest of the days from the trip either tomorrow from our hotel on the road, or at home.

If there is anyone else out there that reads this that are in the affected areas, I hope you are able to stay safe too.

Here

2008-09-04T21:52:00.002-04:00

Been trying to download and update for over a day, and for some reason my computer does not want to cooperate as in when I download it tells me it is going to take 49,000 days to to id. I have many cute pics and some awesome videos but will probably have to postpone until I can get to a place that has real Internet connection.

The storm is now due to hit just north of us, so the worst that we might get is rain and wind, we haven't changed our plans and are due to leave Saturday morning. Tear. It has been wonderful and relaxing but also very exhausting dealing with these 2 little ones. I have had a great time but am also ready to get home and back to a sense of normalcy.

Will update when I can.

Beach Trip: Day 3 (Monday)

2008-09-02T22:54:00.007-04:00

Today was the first day that we actually ventured to the beach. I honestly was a bit anxious as I wasn't sure exactly how Ava would react. She hates to have dirty feet and water splashed in her face, and unfortunately those two things go hand in hand at the beach. Thankfully we are at a part of the island that doesn't usually get much wave activity, the clarity of the water sucks but at least it's water. There were a few waves however and there actually was a bit of an undertow so we had to be a bit careful, but thankfully all went well and she's been asking to go back ever since.

There might have been a few beers involved

And there were some times where she was pissed after getting knocked down.

You would think that all that we are doing to wear them out would make them crash at naptime but NOOO. They haven't napped since we got here so right now we are dealing with two very tired and cranky moms. So what better to do than to snap pics of ourselves doing what we do best.

We walked down to the dock where they were having food and music by the water where we ate, drank and the kids danced until they wore themselves out.

Can someone PLEASE tell me how I ended up with a kid with super blonde hair and blue eyes?? I can't tell you how many people have asked A if both kids were hers. Gee people, thanks.

The postive here is that both kids were in bed asleep by 9. That's good enough for me.

**On a total side note, we should know by lunch time tomorrow if there is going to be a mandatory evacuation for the storm. We have decided that unless we have to leave, we are planning on staying. We are supposed to leave Sat. morning anyways, so if we can ride it out we will. If not, we are prepared and have rooms inland waiting for us.

Reflections, beach style

2008-09-02T11:17:00.006-04:00

2 years ago in this very same spot two little ones took their very first vacation together.

Last night, they proved that they are, like their mommies, the best of friends. Quality is horrible, but hopefully you can see enough to get the idea. He literally took her hand and started dancing with her.

Beach Trip: Day 2 (Sunday)

2008-09-01T16:04:00.004-04:00

As I'm sitting here , we are watching 2 dolphins frolic in the harbor behind me. Truly a fun and amazing sight. We are also keeping a close eye on what is now Hurricane Hanna as it's predicted that it might hit our area later in the week. Keep your fingers crossed that we are able to avoid this storm, but in the case that it does hit we have already booked rooms inland if we have to evacuate.

Moving on. Yesterday was pretty lazy. We got up and ran to get some last minute things that we needed, and promptly headed straight to the pool. It wasn't a long trip because we had to be back to watch UK beat the crap out of Louisville.

Nothing like a little pool and some sun, not too bad a view eh?

It took the kids FOREVER to nap yesterday, I think it was 5 before they went down and 7 before we could get them up, so we just went to the Sal.ty D.og restaurant right by the condo and hung out while the kids danced, and danced, and danced. If you ever go there, I highly recommend the BBQ shrimp. WOW, so good.

With it being Labor Day, I think we will plan on heading on over there again tonight. It's close, we can walk, there's music, food, and beverages...not sure that we can ask for anything more.

Boring post I know, more pics tomorrow!

Beach Trip: Day 1 (Saturday)

2008-08-31T16:40:00.002-04:00

Computer problem fixed, apparently I needed a new memory card and what's on my old one will have to be taken off when I get home.

We woke up yesterday morning, unfortunately earlier than we wanted but when you have two adults and two, 2 year olds in a room that's sort of hard to do. We got on the road about 10 and all things went pretty good until we literally saw two dogs, in the middle of the median of the highway, having um, relations. Guess I can't blame them as traffic was at a standstill due to a major accident and apparently they were just trying to make the best of a bad situation. I'm now pissed that I wasn't smart enough to get my phone out and take a picture because it was classic, and something I'm sure to never see again.

Right about 3, we rolled over the bridge to this...(of course it was low tide and therefore not the most pleasant of smells but we could have cared less, there was sand, water, and we were happy)

And the kids were sooo excited to FINALLY be here.

We on the other hand, STOKED...yes I look horrible.

Too many dollars at the store, more food than we will ever need...

but with these waiting for us, it's all worth it.

**Disclaimer. No children will be neglected or harmed on this trip. Just two adult women who need and deserve to have a good time.

Mad!!

2008-08-29T23:23:00.002-04:00

We're here in our hotel, halfway to our final destination. Overall so far the first day was okay. The kiddos slept for about 2 1/2 which was grand, but now it's 11:30 and they are WIDE AWAKE. Bouncing on the beds, running around...you get the idea. I'm just happy that they are playing so well together as they always do but I'm sure that will eventually change. I'm sitting here trying to download pics from the day and my memory card is BAD and it won't download. So I'm probably going to breakdown and buy a new one on the way tomorrow...had some really cute ones so hopefully I can still get them on here.

Until tomorrow!

Hodge Podge

2008-08-28T21:41:00.003-04:00

This is a quick one, as I'm frantically trying to get my shit in order because I AM LEAVING FOR THE BEACH TOMORROW!! Did I say that out loud, because I can't remember a time when I have been so excited. It's just me, Ava, my best friend and her little boy who is 2 months older than Ava. We are leaving the men at home and having what we are calling our "last hurrah" before major changes take place. For her it's the change to a gluten free lifestyle, for me it looks like I'm going to be eating cardboard and sawdust for a while (as I sit here and finish off my cheese fries, good start so far).

I went to a new family Dr. last week just for a check up and blood work, and this was written on my report that I received yesterday "your cholesterol is dangerously high, we need to discuss treatment ASAP." So I went back in today and we agreed for me to TRY a low fat, low cholesterol diet with lots of exercise and will re-evaluate in 2 months, but he also told me with the levels that I have it looks like even if I can lower them, it will only be a band aid affect and therefore won't be effective in the long run. I'm a little overweight, but I don't eat THAT unhealthy and we both agree that since both my parents have a history of heart disease this appears to be something genetic. I'm thankful that I've been able to get enough medical history from my birth parents because that is going to be a big help as we determing my next plan of action.

I went to orientation for Ava's Parent's Day Out tonight, and because she went last year, I was expecting things to be the same. Not at all. This year she is in an older class, they do not nap, they gear their day more towards a pre-school type attitude, and there are 12 kids in a class instead of 8. Just another thing to make me realize just how quickly she is growing up.

And the last random thought, guess who decided to show up today after being absent for 4 1/2 months. Aunt Flow. Seriously??? Could it have come at a worse time??? I think not.

I'm going to try to post every day. Did you see that?? I said EVERY DAY while I am at the beach, but of course that depends on whether or not we can steal Internet from someone. I am hoping to come home totally refreshed, and in a sense, ready to start over

First Haircut

2008-08-25T15:12:00.014-04:00

I've waited as long as I could to cut my precious girl's hair. We went to Coo.kie Cut.ters because I knew that they would be able to distract her, or attempt to distract her with a movie as long as possible. The picture quality is horrible because I had to use my cell phone camera, and I had to resize them really small to get them to load, but hopefully you get the idea.

Here she is as they were getting started:

Still not sure what's going on:

You can't tell here but she really didn't like the smock, even though we kept telling her it was a pretty dress. She eventually won and pulled it off.

Final product and an official certificate of her "bravery" as they call it. I'm shedding a tear now as I look at her first lock of hair...

Update on my pal...

2008-08-14T17:28:00.003-04:00

Meant to write earlier but things around here have been beyond nutty.

My friends procedure went well last week. They went in thinking she was only getting a colonoscopy but because of the inability to hold down food they also did an endoscopy. She's a hoot but seeing her come out of sedation exceeded my expectations! Upon initial examination he said things looked good. Nothing of concern in the colon, but he diagnosed her with Ga.stritis in the stomach. He took biopsies of everything, hooked her up with a prescription for the stomach problems and we left.

Today she got the call that she has a severe form of the Ga.stritis and Ce.liac Disease. She now has to go Gluten Free...which in her diet makes up about 80% of what she eats...so she's pissed off and I can't even go and offer her a beer for condolences.

Anyhoo thought I'd update. I'm off to attempt to play tennis (am currently in the process of drinking a beer as it seems to make it a tad more appealing to go). Hopefully my tennis skirt from last year's go with this still fits...doubtful but one can hope.

Thanks for all the good thoughts on her...now she's really going to be skinny enough for me throw her to the other side of the beach!

3 in 2 days...what is wrong with me?

2008-08-07T16:33:00.003-04:00

This is a serious one, and not one for people with weak stomachs. I'm again asking for more prayers to come my way. I'm taking my best friend for an emergency colonoscopy in the morning. This girl has been my best friend since we were 6 and I am really worried that there is something terribly wrong with her.

3 months ago she started suffering from what they thought were symptoms of I.BS (irrita.ble .bowel syndrome). She has been under tremendous amounts of stress for some time now, and we all thought it had finally caught up with her. She's about to go through a nasty, nasty divorce, she has 3 children, and together, they have gone through significant financial troubles. The poop problems that I had from my virus a few weeks ago pale in comparison to what she faces (poop wise) in a single given day. She's not a big girl by any standards and she's lost a significant amount of weight. I tease her and tell her that when we go to the beach she's going to have to sit a good 100 yards from me, but it's not a laughing matter anymore. Just last week she started vomiting everything that she ate. She doesn't feel bad, she doesn't even have any warning when it happens. She can be there talking to you and she will lean over and puke. She says she doesn't even feel nauseaus, it just literally happens. Sometimes it's immediately after, sometimes it's hours. Her deck and driveway look like the parking lot of a fraternity party.

She was scheduled to have on in September, but with these latest developments they are fitting her in for an emergency procedure. She has a family history of colon cancer and other colon related diseases, so we are praying that this really is just stress related. Either way I hope that they can quickly get her an answer and get her on the road to recovery.

This girl is like my sister, in fact even though I think we look NOTHING alike, we have been told on many occassions that we must be sisters. We act ridiculously childish and stupid together, often gathering looks from people who must think that we are crazy. I watched her first born come into the world, she watched mine. That in itself carries a very significant bond. She has not always had an easy time with things in her life, but with everything that she has gone through she remains the most positive person that I know. Just a few months ago she fell down her stairs and broke both of her feet. She is just the poster child for bad luck.

Thinking happy thoughts for you A...

Umm..

2008-08-07T14:02:00.003-04:00

This "popped" up in my mulch today and it just sort of made me giggle...apparently these days it doesn't take much.

He's getting old!

2008-08-06T15:42:00.003-04:00

Today's Matthew's birthday. I probably shouldn't post how old he is but I'm gonna anyway because I like to rub it in. He's one away from the big 4-0 so this time next year I'll be planning a killer bash.

Here is Ava singing Happy Birthday to him on the phone this morning, she got super bashful and quiet and she did better in person but it's too cute not to post. And yes I sound like a retard. I HATE my voice.

Happy Birthday baby!

Disturbed

2008-08-01T22:01:00.004-04:00

I came across this photo tonight while bored on the net...and unless she's just a total freak of nature (which just might happen to one married to T.om C.ruise), there is no way that this belly is legit. It supposedly was taken in April 2006 right before she had Su.ri but come one, that is foolin nobody. I'd give anything to take a peek at the pillow/belly under that shirt.

If you DID look like this when you were 9 months pregnant, I will pay you paparazzi money for the excusive rights to your pics.

Bullet briefs...

2008-07-24T20:01:00.005-04:00

Just hopping on here to do a quick post. My parents have Ava tonight, so I am going to take full advantage, get some wine (or beer) pop in a movie and hit the bed early.

Last weeks sickness was in a nutshell my own personal hell. I sucked it up on Tuesday and went to the Doctor. No great revelations, I was told it was either a virus or some type of food poisoning which I already knew but dammit I wanted drugs. And what did she give me? Phen.ergen. I already have a lifetime supply of that. You can buy it on the internet cheaper than you can get it with insurance. Through some rather unpleasant tests they ruled out food poisoning. It was definitely a virus, and of course I was told to treat it symptomatically and wait it out. I don't want to get into the gross details of it all but it took me an entire week and 7 pounds later before I started feeling better. I still don't have much of an appetite, but at least now I can actually look at food without feeling like I'm gonna barf.
That Jimmy Buffet concert that I had been looking to for months???? Didn't go. IToo sick to go and I'm still pissed about it.
I have yet to get my period which I think is strange 6 weeks past D&C and a full month of BC later. No I am not pregnant. I've tested, negative, and I'm relieved.
I leave for vacation 5 weeks from tomorrow with Ava, my best friend and her 2 year old. I cannot be more excited. I need to get the hell out of here. I'll miss the hubbs but I need my girl time too.
Having someone else clean my house is totally worth sacrificing money I would have spent elsewhere.
I got addicted to Legally Blonde The Musical: The Seach for Elle Woods on MTV. I am ashamed to admit it. I am also ashamed to admit my other summer TV addictions.
My husband hasn't realized that fixing household items is not his forte'. Many of you remember when he fell through the ceiling in the bedroom a few months back. Well he got back home Saturday afternoon after being on a plane all night from Brazil, and right away he decided it was a good idea to have a few beers and then replace all of the flood lights around the outside of our house. They have been burnt out for over a year so one more day wouldn't have been a big deal. As he went to change the last one he knocked against a wasp nest, and instead of taking it like a man and risk the chance of a sting, he jumped off a 6 foot ladder. And therefore here is where we spent part of our Saturday night...doesn't he look happy to see me?

Nothing broken thankfully, just a sprain and some ligament damage, but nevertheless he's doped up on Vico.din, has to use crutches and to top it off he now has a nasty sinus infection. To say he's been pleasant to be around would be the understatement of the year.
A very good friend of mine has been talking/texting a very famous boy bander for a few months, and she told me today that he called her last night inviting her to come to LA this weekend for a private CD screening, and then she's staying at his house. I'm not going to put it out on the blog, but if curiosity gets the best of you...leave me your email in the comment section (if I don't already have it) and I'll spill it.

Sick

2008-07-14T19:37:00.004-04:00

I actually wanted to talk/bitch about the sleeping problems that Ava has had lately, but that's going to have to wait because moi? Sick. The achy, feverish, gastrointestinal kind, and to say that I've enjoyed it would be a gross understatement. It sort of started last night after dinner at one of my favorite restaurants, I chalked it up to nerves and anxiety as Matthew was on a plane to Brazil and wasn't due in until after 1:00 AM. Then this morning I just felt off. I was up bright and early because I needed to get the mutt to the kennel so I could anxiously await my new cleaning lady's arrival! Ironic how I planned for her to come while Matthew was out of town don't ya think? Anyhoo, I had already made plans for my mom to get Ava because I knew if she didn't, she would be all up in cleaning lady's way. So while my upstairs was becoming spotless, I was holed up in the basement on the couch and I didn't leave it until cleaning lady left at 4, and then I resorted to the bed where I've been every since. I'm desperately waiting on someone to bring me soup, water and Sprite, but as of about 30 minutes ago the little one started vomiting too. I'm totally heartbroken that she's not with me and she feels like crap, but with Matthew gone I've been told by my mom to stay put. For once I don't care that there isn't someone here to take care of me, I just wish I was the one holding her instead of her grandma.

The good news about all of this is that my house looks amazing...cleaning lady has been hired to come every 4 weeks. I was also really planning on starting my diet today, and because I haven't put anything in my body that didn't taste like cardboard, I should be well on my way to that first week goal of 4 pounds.

The bad? This shit (pardon the expression) better vacate it's premises in time for Buffet on Thursday. The really bad? I don't have a babysitter as all of my sitters are going to the concert with me...must work on mother in law pronto.

Happy 4th...

2008-07-03T19:58:00.004-04:00

I hope everyone has a safe and Happy 4th of July....we might just get crazy and drink some beer 'round these parts.

Well I WAS doing okay...

2008-06-30T17:55:00.004-04:00

That was until today. Oh hi, I'm back! I had my follow up from my D&C today, it was supposed to be last week but I called and changed it. I had big weekend plans and I knew I would be thinking about the results of the genetic testing so I waited until today. I'm not sure I made the right decision. From the moment I walked into the Dr's office it was not like most of my visits. The receptionist called me by my first name before I even signed in (which they NEVER do), and then they proceeded to tell me that he "neglected" to inform them that he had an emergency C-Section. I wasn't sure that emergency sections were "planned" but whatever. I sat down, enjoyed the quiet time by myself, and hoped that the woman and baby he was operating on was okay. I've never waited more than a half an hour when I've been there, and it was probably only 5 minutes after sitting there that I heard him enter the back of the office. The other doctor wasn't in today so I knew it had to be mine. I was promptly called back by the nurse, who for the first time showed a cold side to me. No chit chat, not even normal questions. All she said asked me was if I had anything in particular I wanted to talk to him about, and what medications I had been taking. I was taken aback by that one as she's never asked me that, but I'm thinking that because the scaled showed a 7 pound weight gain since I was last there three weeks ago I MUST be taking something. I really haven't gained 7 pounds. I've weighed myself every day since and even after eating all day I didn't weigh that much more. If I haven't told you already, I don't understand why doctors offices STILL use the metal slide scales. I think I should introduce them to Mr. Digital. I mean a few ounces can be the deal breaker on a pound.

Anyway, new paragraph, moving on. By the time he finally came in about 30 minutes later, I had the lovely pleasure of hearing at least one strong fetal heartbeat in the room next door, which really was enough to send me running, but since I was half naked from the waist down I figured that might not be the best idea. I could tell that he wasn't himself. Not that I "know" him, but I've been in there enough and have had enough conversations to feel comfortable on more than just a patient level. Everything was cut and dry, he was very much the "Dr." this time. One thing that shocked me was that I had to ask him for the test results. He didn't have them. He said he had thought about them, but that doesn't mean much to me. I wanted to walk in there and know why I lost this baby. Either my body failed me, or something was wrong and I wanted to know. I didn't get that answer. Instead I got the question of whether or not I wanted more prenatal vitamins and go after baby # whatever it is now, or contraception. I was told before my D&C three weeks ago that I should take a break. My body and my mind needed time to heal. It just seemed like something wasn't right. Then it was time for the exam, and all went well, almost. I was due for the annual cervix swab and he even mentioned it until I heard his nurse and him whisper back and forth that my insurance won't cover it. WTF!!! I have good insurance, and this is what I would consider preventative care so why in the hell was I not allowed to have one??? Mind you, I don't personally enjoy having that part of my body probed but I'm pretty sure I would like to know that all is still well and healthy down there. I never got an answer on that either. He told me that he would get the results, call me later and sent me out with a bag full of birth control samples as if nothing in the past 9 months had happened. If that were my first visit to the doctor I would not see him again. I am wondering what happened in that STAT C-Section. Was he just having a bad day, or did something bad happen. You never know. Yes they are doctors and unfortunately they do see the bad sides to pregnancy, but I wonder how if/when a doctor loses a baby during deliver they are able to go on about their day as if nothing happened. I'm not saying that happened...it just makes you wonder.

Anyhoo I picked up Ava and went to the store, and apparently sometime while I was there he called and I missed it. Again, it just wasn't like him on the voicemail. First off, I am SURPRISED that he left the results of the test on a voicemail. Normally he would call and either have me call him or he would call me back later. Results were that baby did have an abnormal karyotype, which he called the most common abnormality in miscarried fetuses. Does that make me feel any better? I don't know. I still don't know iwhether I would rather have a miscarraige because there was something wrong with the baby, or something wrong with my body. My first twin had a chromosome abnormality, and now having two makes things scary. Even if what happened to the last baby was "common" it doesn't help things. From what I understand it was missing an additional sex karyotype, but most babies with this are genotypically female. If you are counting, that's not only 3 babies that I have lost, but 3 girls. The 1% with this abnormality survive but will not reach puberty, and therefore will not be able to have children. What worries/bothers me the most is my first twin had something called Turner Syndrome which only affects females, and has similar characteristics. He says I'm reading too much into it, that because we have healthy children (his son, and of course Ava) we shouldn't worry. And I want to believe him, but it's hard not to. I'm going to a perinatal loss meeting tomorrow that deals with recurrent miscarriages and I'm hoping someone else has some light to shed on this. In the meantime, the baby factory has closed, and I'm not sure when/if it will open again.

Right now I just want some time to get my life and my sex life back, and not be consumed with getting/staying pregnant. It might happen again, and it might not. The bottom line is I have alot to be thankful for already.

Not much to say

2008-06-08T18:26:00.002-04:00

Thanks to everyone who sent comments over the weekend. Baby measured right at 9 weeks, but after 2 ultrasounds it was determined that it didn't have a heartbeat. My D&C is scheduled for Tuesday morning and I've decided to have genetic testing done just in case. I don't have words to describe how I'm feeling. I'm totally broken. I cannot believe this has happened to me again.

I'm taking an indefinite break. And I might take a break from reading/commenting as I just don't have the energy to handle things right now. I need to focus all of my energy on being the best parent I can to Ava. Reality is sinking is that she might just be the only child we ever have. I've had 2 pregnancies/2 losses in less than 7 months and I need to give my body and my mind time to heal, and even then I'm not sure I'll be ready to do it again.

Thanks to everyone who's been praying for us during all of this.

More, more, more

2008-06-04T11:41:00.003-04:00

More questions, more questions!

Chas asked if Ava had been a boy, what was his name to be? Why did you choose it? Also, any names in mind for this new baby?

For boy names we had it narrowed to Owen. Matthew liked the name Wyatt but for a few years now (and still today) I have had a dream where I had a little boy named Owen. I'm not sure where it came from, as I don't have any family members by that name nor do I know anyone. It stuck with me and to this day I still love that name. Ava's name actually came to us pretty easy. I remember early in my pregnancy reading about how Mar.tina Mc.Bride had named her third child Ava Rose and I just LOVED it. We've always known that our first girl would have Rose as her middle name. It's my middle name and it's my grandmother's name, and I just thought Ava Rose really fit together. We were also sort of toying around with Olivia, and the final decision wasn't actually made until I was in the delivery room, but I think we always knew that was what it was going to be. As for new baby...I think we both hesitate to even think about it right now. Obviously the last time we named a child the result wasn't what we wanted, so I think we will really settle and talk about it once we get past the 20 week ultrasound...which seems SO long away!!

If anyone thinks of anything else, keep them coming!

A few random things. I'm FINALLY going to see Sex a.nd the C.ity tonight. I was supposed to go Friday but when my friends told me they were going to the 10:40 showing, I politely bailed as that's way past my bedtime!

I go back to the Dr. on Friday, so think good thoughts. Obviously I'm hoping the pregnancy is still there (no doubts in my mind that it's not), but mostly I'm hoping I'm 9 weeks where I think I am as opposed to a week or so behind. Another week added to this trimester would seem like an eternity. I'll post as soon as I can...

You asked, I answer

2008-06-03T18:49:00.002-04:00

So naturally I'm about 2 weeks late on this, but here goes:

Lisanne asked me:

1. First why my font was so tiny? To be honest I don't know! Something happened to my original template and I haven't had time to go back and find a new one that I like...but I promise I will or I will send you up some reading glasses! He He
2. When you're feeling anxious, stressed out, worried, etc., what helps you relax, unwind, and calm down? When I can I do take baths, but it's rare so alot of times I'll just pop in a movie that I know will make me laugh, and drink a glass of wine (when I'm not pregnant of course)
3. Where did you go to college? And what did you study? What was your first job out of college? I started at Western Kentucky University in Bowling Green where I studied Elementary Education. After 2 years I transferred back home to the University of Kentucky and was the director of an After School Program at a Day Care and quickly learned that teaching was NOT for me. I ended up changing my major to Hospitality Management and after 6 LONG years in college I finally graduated in 2000. Right out of college I interviewed to be a Flight Attendant, basically it was my way of prolonging getting a job as long as possible. After several rounds of interviews, and learning more than I needed to about how crappy the first couple years can be, I decided against it and took a job at a company called All.tech as an Event Coordinator. I loved it, but left after 3 years for personal reasons which I will describe later.
4. If I had an entire afternoon to myself, what would I do? Well thanks to the help of my wonderful parents, I actually get these quite often. I take the "day off" so I can get my house cleaned and laundry done but I usually end up curling up on the couch and watching movies. I could watch movies all day long.

Connie asked:

1. How did you & Matthew meet & was it "love at first sight"? This is is sort of a continuation of Lisanne's question. Matthew and I met at our company Christmas party in 2001, and ironically neither of us was supposed to even be there that night. He got back from a business trip a day early, and I was supposed to be out of town but my trip got cancelled. He and I worked in different departments, different buildings and while I had heard his name, I had no idea who he was until that night. I definitely wouldn't call it love at first sight :-) But let me just say that a group of people went out afterwards to a bar, there was some drinking involved, he was paying loads of attention to me, and I of course fell for it. I actually was sort of dating someone else at the time, and I attempted to "use" Matthew to make the other guy jealous, however I ended up realizing that I had much stronger feelings for Matthew and the other guy was history. It took me a long time to really get that relationship with him because we had hurdles to overcome, mainly the fact that he had been married before and he had a son. It was hard to penetrate that wall that he had because he had been hurt really bad before and was trying to make sure I was "worth it" before going down that road again. When we finally made the decision, one of us had to leave the company in order for the relationship to advance further. I made it easy and quit. He had been there 9 years and it made no sense for me to stay. It was time for me to move on anyways.
2. What is your most favorite aspect of motherhood? Gosh so many things, but mainly just seeing this little product of us running around. Nobody could have prepared me for the love that I have for that little girl. She cracks me up and continues to amaze me each day.

AFF asked:

1. When you were little, what did you think you'd be when you grew up? How many dates did it take for you to figure out Matthew was the one? Did you know before the ultrasound Ava would be a girl? When I was little, I was convinced I was going to be a lawyer. I'm not sure why, I never was good at arguing and I usually lost the battles, but I guess since my father was a lawyer and then a judge I wanted to try and follow in his footsteps. But really it just depended on what day it was. I remember a time when I wold change my mind daily, but the lawyer one definitely sticks out. Second question, I'm not really sure how long it took for me to know he was the one. I think I hesitated to think that to myself because early on in our relationship he used to tell me that he would never get married again, so I probably put up a wall of thinking that just in case. It took him over a year to tell me that he loved me, but it was pretty clear at that point that he was it! As for the ultrasound, I honestly thought she was going to be a boy. I'm thinking I might have had some boy dreams but all of the "old wives tales" pointed to girl so I'm not sure where my boy thinking came from. We actually weren't even 100% sure she was a girl because they couldn't get her to spread her legs, but I guess it's a good thing she was since we got greedy and bought lots of pink stuff.

Jen was dying to know the following:

1. What are your favorites: color, flower, band/singer, movie, tv show Favorite color is pink, favorite flower is peonies...love the way they smell, favorite band/singer is a tough one. Of all time probably Journey or George Strait, current fave might be Carrie Underwood. I really go through phases depending on what time of the year it is, but I can actually sit and listen to her whole CD without flipping through songs. I'm really in the country phase right now.
2. Are you a jeans n tee type of girl? Or are you the dressier type? Honestly I'm more of a sweats and tee type of girl. I do like dressing up because it actually makes me feel like an adult other than just a mommy with food on my shirt, but when I get home I can't wait to throw the sweats and tee back on.
3. What turns you on about Matthew the most? The way he is as a father, and the way he works so hard so that I can stay home and raise Ava. I think that's one thing that really drew me to him when we were dating. It was hard for me to cope with the fact that he had a son, but seeing him as a father already made me realize how great he would be if we ever had children of our own.
4. What was your favorite cartoon as a kid? Favorite toy? Do you remember that show "Jabberjaw?" I remember coming home from church and going straight for the TV to watch it. Weird now that I think about it, but I did love it. Favorite toy would have to be anything Barbie. I had them all, and all of the accessories to go along with it.
5. What do you enjoy about being pregnant? That's a hard one since I'm not technically enjoying it right now! But the thing that I loved most about my pregnancy with Ava was the movement, and getting to know her personality before anyone else could. I knew way back then she was going to be a laid back baby and she was. I really was sad the day she was born because she no longer belonged to just me. As moms we have such amazing bonds with these little humans, and it's hard to share! I'm really trying to enjoy every moment this time, because this one is our last. :-( Boo hoo.
6. What is your favorite thing about Ava? So many things! I love the way she laughs, I love how she sometimes walks around with her eyes closed and laughs when she bumps into stuff, I love how she gets excited when she sees her daddy's car pull up in the driveway, I love it when she tells me that she loves me...even thought I'm pretty sure she doesn't know what it means, I love the way she giggles and squeals at the dog when he barks at her, I love that her favorite outfit usually includes no clothes but always shoes, and I love the fact that her favorite phrase right now is "Ava's stinkin cute," but mostly I just love it that she's mine.
7. Is she more like you, or her Daddy? This one is easy. She looks just like him and is stubborn and dramatic just like me!

Is that all you ever wanted to know and more???

Here with a Vengence

2008-05-26T18:17:00.004-04:00

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday. Mine you ask?? Spent gracefully on the couch. That way I can continuously pop in DVD after DVD to entertain my child, yet I'm close enough to the bathroom. I'm no longer thinking about the negatives of Friday's appointment, because if the past 3 days are any indication, all is more than well in my uterus. It started last week, but since Saturday it's been here in full force. It all started with my ill choice of Chinese food for lunch. I can't tell you how many times I've told my husband that no matter how much I beg for it when I'm pregnant, DON'T BRING IT HOME. It does not sit well with me ever, period. So after lunch I proceeded to head to the movies and dinner with some friends. There was a span of about 7 hours where I didn't eat, the $6.00 tub of popcorn at the movies didn't count. By the time we finally ate it was well after 7:00 and I was done. As my one friend told me I went from fine to green in about 2 seconds. Not sure that I'll be craving Mexican food any time soon as it's been downhill since then. I'm now waking up sick in the middle of the night, something I remember doing with both Ava's pregnancy and the twin one. So in my mind?? Right on track.

My hormones are out of control, my husband is pissing me off, I'm crying at movies that aren't supposed to be sad, and I'm being hard on my toddler for things she can't control. I'm just sort of at the end of my rope. I don't handle it well when I'm sick and as I'm laying here on the couch she's jumping repeatedly beside me and doing belly flops on my stomach. She's trying to play and I'm getting on her for doing it. For once I just want to be the one that sleeps in on a Saturday, and then is able to take a leisurely nap in the fternoon but I don't see that happening any time soon.

Enough of that, as crappy as I feel, I'm sort of thankful that I don't feel good as we all know that is usually a good sign. I'm planning on calling my Dr. to get him to call me something in. I personally can't function like this. I'm the whiniest sick person, and even though I wanted to keep pills to a minimum this time, I feel that it's a necessary thing to get me through the next few weeks. I have things to do and places to go and I can't live my life on the couch. Ava doesn't deserve that.

Now would someone please just tell me to shut up and quit bitching...

Another hill in the rollercoaster that is my life...

2008-05-23T18:12:00.003-04:00

I'm seriously to the point where I'm not sure if the ride will ever end.

The bottom line of the Dr. appointment goes something like this...yolk sac clear and visible, no baby in sight, come back for follow up Ultrasound in 2 weeks. According to my calculations I'm 7 weeks and 4 days, but according to them they should be able to see the baby by now. My last two pregnancies it was plain as day. So, either I have a baby that is very good at hiding, I had a really weird/long cycle and maybe ovulated at a weird time, or the baby stopped growing and isn't viable. When you are this early in a pregnancy a matter of days can mean alot on the ultrasound. He's optimistic that there is the yolk sac, and for a split second at the beginning I heard him say "that's what we're looking for," yet it was never to be seen again. Having to wait two weeks is going to be another nightmare. All I have done is wait, and here we go again.

I've spent hours this afternoon with Dr. Google, and he has been both my best friend today and my worst enemy. Bottom line is I KNOW (well according to my $150 Clear Blue Easy fertility monitor) when I ovulated and when it happened, and I suppose that I could have had a long cycle. My system hasn't been completely normal since I lost the last pregnancy. I had a couple 28 day ones, but I also had one that was 32 days. This time I tested on the morning of day 26, and again that night and the first test was non-existent and the second one clear as day. I know that those can detect hormones at least 5 days before a missed period, I'm thinking that maybe this was a long cycle month, which would have at least set me back a few days. I'm probably over rationalizing, and I know many people who thought they were a week ahead of where they were at this point and everything was fine, but with everything I've already been through, it's hard to be optimistic. I'd like to think that if he was that concerned then I wouldn't be waiting two weeks to go back, but then my negative side thinks maybe he's already expecting the worst and by then maybe I will be back in his office to confirm the end.

He did seem positive that I was still having symptoms, but wouldn't you know that even though I felt like crap this morning, I feel OK now. I'm praying for the sickness to come back...god I never thought I would say that.

**Ok so I just gagged while feeding the dog, yeah his food smells but that doesn't usually happen. Don't know if that's good or bad**

Fart...

2008-05-22T21:44:00.002-04:00

I just spent 30 minutes typing out my answers to the questions...and since Blogger deemed them not worthy to post I just lost my whole entry. Fart. I do not have the mind strength to do it again so I'll try tomorrow. Until then, I'm off to my Dr. in the morning, let's hope all goes well.

AND, the sickness has surfaced. The ironic thing is mornings are actually the easiest part of my day. It usually hits around lunchtime and just gets progressively worse until I'm asleep. Not as bad as last time by far, but gosh I was hoping to catch a small break. I'll get through it, I'm just definately not as chipper as I was a week ago. And the orange juice that I so feverishly craved last time??? Gone...it has been replaced by some minty/oreo pie that I found. Just what my thighs needed. I expect a full on weight lecture in the AM.

Will post again tomorrow when I can.

Because I know you really wanna know....

2008-05-18T20:51:00.003-04:00

Because my brain has completely farted out on me as of late, I seriously cannot think of anything to write about. Sure we've had things going on, but when I sit down and try to type it out, it is so boring that it puts me to sleep. Okay so everything puts me to sleep right now but in order to spare you one of THOSE kinds of posts until my brain starts to function at a normal level again, I'm opening up this one to you.

I've never done one like this before, so it's your time to ask me questions. Anything you want to know, just ask. I'm dying to know what you all want to know about me.

I'm waiting......

Time for a quick commercial break...EDITED

2008-05-08T18:32:00.004-04:00

Sorry for the lack of posting...having major server/router issues and therefore Internet won't work (posting from a friends right now). My brother AKA major computer geek is supposed to be coming over tomorrow to fix/transfer some things out so hope to be back in business then.

On a side note, (and totally more for my benefit than yours)

Pregnancy related issues:

Sore boobs (but not sure if that's from them actually being sore or them being sore from me poking them all day to see if they are sore)
Tired, no EXHAUSTED. Sort of remember being this tired with Ava, but not with the twins. Her nap time can never come soon enough for me.
Feel good other than that. By this point in my last pregnancy I was doped up with 2 anti-nausea medications, so hopefully that's a good sign, but I'm sure I just jinxed myself in saying that so I'll go ahead and make sure toilets are clean.
Smells are starting to become stronger, but nothing really that bothers me...yet. Again, full force gagging was in effect by now with the last pregnancy. Just the smell of my house made me gag.
First Dr. appointment is May 23...and NO ONE from my family will be here to celebrate in the joy. Matthew is on a 4 day fishing trip and mom and dad will be in FL. Boo.
Speaking of family, we still haven't told anyone yet. I was really wanting to wait until after the appointment, but since my parents will be gone, we decided to go ahead and do it on Sunday. Things would have worked out perfectly however Matthew just found out TODAY that he is probably going to Brazil on Sunday. He was supposed to leave for Canada on Monday, but now they think it's more important to go to Brazil...per the President of the company. So I'll be telling my parents solo. Last two times were told within 3 days of finding out, so needless to say it's been TORTURE keeping this a secret.

Will let you know how it goes...I still think my parents have a hard time dealing with the fact that I DO have sex, but nevertheless they will be thrilled.

**Sitting here messing around and TOTALLY screwed up my template, back to square one!

It's in the numbers

2008-04-30T18:02:00.004-04:00

3 - Number of times toddler has shit her pants today.

3 - Number of times the same toddler has deemed her shit pretty enough to not only draw on herself, but draw on my glass doors, floor, furniture and even throw a little in the shag carpet for good measure.

4 - Numbers of baths taken today (only 1 by me)

1 - Times the dog thought that poop would make a good afternoon snack only to throw it right back up on previously mentioned shag carpet.

2 - Number of loads of poopy laundry. And the fact that I already had a good 8 loads that also needed to be done, I am now way behind.

3 - Number of times Time Out has been used

0 - Number of times Time Out has been successful

25 - Number of times I've washed my hands

9,554 - Number of times I've walked to the refrigerator for a glass of wine only to realize that it's off limits for THE NEXT 9 MONTHS!

I'm seriously contemplating the duck tape to the diaper idea.

Because I'm not really good at keeping secrets...

2008-04-26T21:36:00.001-04:00

Top one taken 2 hours ago, bottom taken 12 hours ago. BIG difference.

Quick Prayer Request

2008-04-23T08:12:00.003-04:00

The father of one of my very best and oldest friends collapsed last night and is currently on a respirator. He is having continual seizures and is not expected to make it through the next 24 hours. If you could say a quick prayer for my friend and her family. She will not get a chance to say an official goodbye and is undoubtedly having a hard time dealing. Most of you probably remember how we almost lost my dad last year, so I am only trying to imagine what she is going through.

Thanks

Why I'll never win "Mother of the Year"

2008-04-19T18:26:00.007-04:00

The other day I put Ava in the bathtub in our bathroom, she needed a bath and I needed to clean so I figured it was a win/win situation. She's taken a bath in there before, and other than the fact that it's shaped different and quite a bit larger I wasn't worried about her. She was always in my view. I peeled off for a minute to pee, (the toilet is a mere 5 feet from the tub, but in a separate room ) I didn't hear the splashing that I had heard before, and as soon as I peeked out my heart dropped. She was thrashing around, under water. The image that will haunt me is her eyes wide open, her mouth gasping for air, and her arms and legs trying to get to get to a position where she could support herself. I immediately yanked her by the arm out of the water, unafraid of the fact that I could have pulled her shoulder out of socket. I didn't even dry her off and I just held her so tight and we cried together. I shouldn't have, because my crying was a dead giveaway to her that what just happened was BAD. She couldn't have been under water for more than 5 seconds, and I'm not sure how she got there unless she just slipped, but it scared the living shit out of me. I pulled myself together, she recovered pretty quickly, in fact she was laughing as I was getting her dressed. It happened to be close enough to her nap time that I laid her down (after I knew for a fact she was okay) and went to my room and lost it.

The part that really bothers me is that something similar happened to me when I was 3. I don't remember much about my early years, but I remember this day like it was yesterday. I even remember what color my outfit was. We were getting ready to leave the pool for the day, and I was walking around the outside ledge waiting for my mom. My dad was with me, close by, but I slipped and fell straight into 9 feet of water. It wasn't 2 seconds that I was under before the lifeguards got me, but to this day my biggest fear of death is drowning. It's so bad that if there's a part of a TV show or movie that includes being submerged in water, I have to turn it off to avoid being thrown into a panic. The shows where they teach you how to escape if your car were to run into water are tattooed in the back of my brain. It's also unfortunately led me to be claustrophobic. Not bad enough that it controls my life, but makes me fearful nevertheless. I'm the girl that always knows where the exit is wherever we are, bar, restaurant, sporting event, hotel...yep I'm THAT girl.

I do think she's young enough and it's not going to have any lasting effect on her, and I even put her back in that bathtub the following day and all was fine, and I did not get up to pee this time.

On a lighter note, and since I'm so bad at posting, some pics from the following days.

Not really sure what she's doing here, but she looks damn cute doing it.

At the Blue/White Scrimmage Football Game today. We stayed all of 45 minutes and it was enough to let me know that she won't be attending any football games, this year at least.

One of many days spent at the park. God I love the park. Hours and hours of play = tired, tired child. Yes I realize she looks drunk in this pic, it's a phone pic and therefore not the greatest.

This ones another shot from my phone so again not the best but I took her to my best friends son's T-Ball game and she LOVED it. Here she is with my best friends other little boy, they sat here for at least an hour straight. I was in shock.

Wow, long overdue

2008-04-10T18:07:00.012-04:00

I just looked down and I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted. No excuses, just tried to enjoy the warm weather last week and now we're stuck back in the cold. Boo.

We had Ava's party a week ago Saturday, and thankfully it wasn't as dramatic as we expected it to be. I complained earlier about having to invite my extended family, and because it's high time for spring break, no one outside of our immediate family was able to attend. We grilled, had some cold beverages, and the wee one was the center of attention, as always. We had 20 people and I don't know if I could have handled more than that.

Elmo is the man of the hour, and my best friend did an awesome job on his cake. The cupcakes I made were barely edible and not picture worthy so it's a good thing that I didn't try and make the cake.

Ava getting a first look at her ballons. You will notice that one of the big balloons had a 3 on it, obviously the party store messed up and gave us one set that belonged to someone else, but everyone joked that the 3 and the 2 were a celebration of my 32nd birthday. My family really knows how to melt a gals heart.

The birthday girl getting ready to blow out her candles, and blow them out she did!

Getting a first look at her new kitchen set, I think it's pretty obvious this one was a hit.

Addison helping to get all of the "stuff" organized. Too bad it lasted all of about 2.2 seconds.

Ava's first real boo boo. She tried getting on the treadmill after my nephew turned it on, obviously it didn't work out so well for her. Lucky for me it didn't phase her.

This is possibly the happiest thing that happened that day. It literally took this many people to get our old TV down because of it being up so high and the fact that the damn thing weighs about 300 pounds. This is the TV that came with the house when we bought it and has been broken since before Christmas. We ordered another one to replace this one and mama is very happy to have her living room back.

And lastly the biggest hit as far as Ava goes. It's hard to see her because my friends kids were sort of in the way, but the squeals are definately Ava's.

Happy Tax day!

Note to self...

2008-04-01T22:51:00.005-04:00

Please remind yourself that you sort of live in the country, and that leaving the garage door open at night may not be the smartest thing to do. Cue: husband. I came upstairs tonight, noticed that the door to the garage wasn't locked (one thing that he actually does at night, WOW what an accomplishment huh), so I opened the door to a 15 pound white possum and her babies rummaging through the shit in my garage. I'm sure the mommy possum didn't really weight 15 pounds but I didn't have time to grab my stun gun or scale, or even better I didn't have time to grab the camera. And all this went on, and naturally the dog sat and did...well, nothing. Stuck his nose in the doorway and that was it.

This is not my friend, but close enough...I'll never forget.

I will have nightmares from this, as my hair is still itching.

Late but not forgotten

2008-03-31T09:31:00.002-04:00

Ava second birthday video

Easter Pics and Birthday Drama

2008-03-26T17:19:00.008-04:00

This has been an absolutely insane week, and it's only Wednesday!

Easter was a lot of fun this year. She's really at the age where she's starting to "get it." Ava and I got up and went to church with my parents (Matthew had to take his son back home and the timing wasn't right for him to come with us) so I waited until after church to give her the Easter Basket. She was pretty excited for all of her goodies. I try not to expose her to a lot of candy, but this weekend I splurged and I'm sure I will now pay dearly for it.

By far her favorites were the suckers, and the candy necklaces/bracelets you see on your left. I'm STILL finding pieces laying around the house, they finally went in the trash this morning before she got up.

It looks like she's trying to share right, she's not. Sharing is not one of her positive traits yet. The only words I heard for about an hour were "open it NOW, please." It's easy to say no to a toddler that screams at you, it's hard to say no to one that screams and then says please.

The oh so precious jewels...the candy necklaces remind me of summer camp! Yes I realize she's probably a little too young, but she actually didn't really want to eat it, she just loves anything jewelry and I'd rather her break these, than anything of mine.

Most of the rest of the day was pretty uneventful. Sunday was also my birthday....my 32nd. It pains me to even write that. I honestly think that Matthew forgot. I'm usually pretty obnoxious about my birthday, counting down the days until it comes, and I think that helps him to remember. This year I didn't do that. Not because I wasn't excited (which really I wasn't) but because my due date was Saturday, and seeing the day get closer and closer really helped put things into perspective. I went out to the grave site, and put some pink tulips down...and seeing our permanent head stone that is now there, really hit home.

Going back to the story, it was 5:00 before I got any sign that he had remembered. No Happy Birthday, no hug, nothing. I wasn't pouting but I wasn't myself either. I was standing in the kitchen and I hear Ava running toward me and in her hands was a card for me, and right behind her was my husband with one. It was getting better, and then he made us dinner, cleaned the dishes (which he NEVER does), gave Ava a bath and got her in bed. Not a bad end to the day.

Now here's the birthday drama. My sweet little girl is turning 2...TOMORROW! Holy shit where has the time gone. The drama is about her party. Matthew and I wanted to have a close family cookout here at our house, have her open presents, cake...that kind of thing. If we did that there would be at least 18 people here which is PLENTY. My parents think we need to invite my whole damn extended family...aunts, uncles, cousins...everyone just because we did it last year. Matthew's mom is an only child, so he doesn't have cousins, aunts, uncles...and I have a large family on both sides. I have to invite my grandparents, there's no question about that. The problem is that both sides of my family live in small towns, see each other frequently, and will no doubt find out that we didn't invite them if we don't. So I'm stuck in the middle, I want to do what's best for us and for her but at the same time I want to please everyone. I guess it's not really so much drama, as it is frustration. I want this party to be fun for Ava, I want the planning to be fun for me, and right now it just seems that there's more conflict than there needs to be. In the end my parents will get what they want, and we will have to deal with the cost of food, as well as opening up our house to 30+ people.

Anyhoo, better get back to work. I'm desperately trying to get Ava's year video done by tomorrow, so hopefully you will hear from me then!

Bow chicka bow wow..

2008-03-18T23:08:00.008-04:00

You will notice a new ticker on my page.

We've gotten there. We are finally at the point where we think we're ready to give this baby making thing another try. Of course we're been talking about it since "it" happened, but to really sit down and say, okay now is the time has been hard to do. We want another chance to prove that we can do it, and no matter what the outcome is, it IS worth any hardship/problem/devastation that may come from it.

My husband has really been on the fence, how can he not be. We went through a very traumatic event. My body was literally put through the ringer. I'm not going to say that we aren't scared, because we are but I keep trying to convince him and myself that what happened was a fluke. An accident, and it can't/won't happen again. We don't know that for sure, but we can only assume that since I've had one normal pregnancy, another one should not be unattainable. The hardest part about putting the ticker up there, is that my due date is/was March 22. I have a friend who gave birth to two healthy twins today (7 lbs a piece) and she was due two weeks after me so I know that those babies would be here by now. But they aren't, and every day since Nov. 15 I've gotten out of bed, realized how lucky I am to have what I have, and I've told myself that if I was supposed to have more children, than I will.

I'm sure should it happen again, the emotional aspects will be high. I'm sure to be on the emotional roller coaster from hell, but it will be worth it. My body is not where I want it to be, I've been working on losing weight since the beginning of the year, and it's proven to be a challenge in itself. This may be a short journey, it may be a long journey, and I'm sure it's going to be one hell of a scary ride.

Happy Birthday you rotten mutt

2008-03-10T10:24:00.010-04:00

Even though at 3 years old you still find it comical to occasionally shit and leave zig zagged pee stains on my carpet, our life is better because you are in it. Thanks for being such a good sport during all the ear pulls, tail yanks, and weiner tugs that you have had to endure. Ava's best giggles come when she's playing with you.

We love you buddy

All about some pictures

2008-03-08T20:35:00.008-05:00

I'm sure I have lots I could post on, but it's been a rotten week so I figured I could keep you happy and bombard you with pictures. Just so you've been warned.

Not the greatest pic here but the little devil would not sit still. This was the first (and only time so far) that I have been able to put pigtails in her hair. I have been dying for this moment, and God willing I'll be able to do it again. She won't wear bows, wear barrettes, nada, nothing.

This is what I found when I was changing her from a nap the other day. You can only imagine the marks that she had on her legs. I'm not even sure where she got these, but I'm a tad impressed with how she got them on.

This one sort of explains alot of things. She still won't keep her pants on, so I've resorted to at least trying to keep big girl panties on. You have no idea how many half naked shots I have of her, because no matter what else she has on, she MUST be wearing those stupid red boots. Yes they used to be cute, and now they are just big stupid red boots. And check out the killer thighs I'd like to think that she got my cheerleading/gymnastic legs, but that would require them to have much more fat. I'm already picturing teacher conferences where I have to apologize for her drop kicking the guy that pulls her hair.

I guess I should throw in a potty training story while we're sort of on the subject. Basically it's non-existent, which is okay by me. But she will say potty, we'll run to the potty, she sits for all of about 5 seconds, closes the lid and says "bye poo poo." Not quite where I'd want us to be but at least she sort of gets it.

This one has been requested a few times...these come in a strong second place as her second faves behind the red ones...but they are mommy's favorites so sometimes I win.

And this one is by far, one of my favorite pics of her. It's a tad blurry, but I just love her expression. And the blue eyes...enough said.

And these last few of us are at the George Strait concert last weekend.

Before the concert and therefore still sober.

Getting there...

Gone...but what a good time it was

Hope everyone didn't get sowed in this weekend.

Right...I DO have a blog

2008-02-27T17:46:00.006-05:00

Hi, remember me? I honestly didn't even realize it had been so long since I posted something. My excuse, none other than I've been B-U-S-Y. It all started when Matthew went on another marathon trip to Brazil, leaving me to be a "single" mommy for almost two weeks. I hosted a bridal shower for a friend, which meant endless hours of cleaning, cooking and shopping, all while chasing around the miniature version of the Tasmanian Devil. I'm constantly amazed, and reminded of the boundless energy which my child has. (23 months old today by the way!)

Since Matthew was gone I spent Valentines Day at Chick Fil A with Ava and a friend and her kids, if that isn't romantic then I don't know what is. (totally irreverent to the rest of the post but since you might have been wondering what my special husband did for me, now you know)

Last Thursday I took off north towards Chicago (via Cincinnati to pick up another friend) for a kid free, girls weekend. Since the "great ice storm of 2008" was planning an attack, I managed to get out of here just in time, only to get STUCK in Cinci for the night. My friends normal 10 minute drive home turned into 1 hour and 45 minutes, so we decided it was in our best interest to wait until Friday morning to take off and go. Not sure why mother nature picked THAT weekend to wreak havoc, but I wasn't going to let her spoil my fun. We finally made it to Chicago at about 1, we ate lunch with my friend and then she left us laying on the couch for a couple of hours while she went and taught at the gym. That's right, you heard me, I drove all that way up there to lay on the couch, and you know what it was G-L-O-R-I-O-U-S. Friday night we hit a local martini bar with a good band and just played catch up. Stacy's a dear old college friend of mine, going through a divorce after less than 3 years of marriage (she actually found out he was cheating 9 months after they got married, tried to work it out and he sucks...nuff said) so a girls weekend was just what the doctor ordered.

Saturday we got up, hit BW3's to watch the UK game, and proceeded to head north to Wisconsin to shop. Let me just tell you that shopping after drinking is NOT always the wisest decision. My husband has yet to find out exactly what I spent, so I'm going to try and hide the AMEX bill when it comes this month! We came home with massive amounts of stuff...seriously enough to clothe a small army but totally worth it. We had a wonderful dinner (pizza) and headed out to a place called Austin's Fuel Room, which wasn't anything to write home about, that was UNTIL went into the next room to hear the band play. I could honestly say that Hi Infidelity was possibly the best cover band I have ever heard. I can't get the link to work, but if you are ever in the area, you should check them out. Website is www.HiInfidelity.com. They played anything from Journey, to Bon Jovi, to Tom Petty to old country classics. It's a damn shame that they are a local Chicago area band because I don't think it would take much for me to become a groupie. I think I might have had secret thoughts about the lead singer, probably because of the way he sang "Faithfully" to me. Okay, not directly at me, but close enough. I'm sure those warm fuzzy feelings were a direct result of the few beers, okay a lot of beers that I had, because Sunday morning I only had warm fuzzies for my hubby.

So that's where I've been. It's taken me 3 days to recover, and now I'm gearing up for some fun at the George Strait concert Friday night.

I'll leave you with a few pics from the trip, most of them will stay nicely saved on my computer for my eyes only.

Pics and updates of Ava to come, she's quite the character these days.

Stacy and me at the Martini Bar...

Stace, me and Haggard. Not sure why my boobs look like saddle bags...not the best pic but the most sober one of all 3 of us from the whole weekend.

Us watching our boys in blue.

At the Welcome to Wisconsin sign that I made her pull over for. For some reason I thought it was absolutely necessary to take this. Can you find me in the pic???? I'm the one with the ginormous beer gut...lord have mercy)

Truths and Lies, the Finale

2008-02-15T09:21:00.003-05:00

Finally I'm getting around to this. My husband left Tuesday for Brazil, AGAIN, and I'm desperately trying to get my house ready for a Bridal Shower tomorrow. Doing that and taking care of a toddler alone has left me very little time for blogging. So without further ado, I bring you the conclusion to the truths and lies.

Truths:

#2 and #7

#2. I was adopted at 2 weeks old. I could not have been brought into a better family. Anyone who knows my parents, and my family knows how lucky I am. I thank God every day for them. My birth mother was 17, kicked out of her house, and was sent to a home for pregnant teens to complete the rest of her pregnancy. My birth father was not in the picture at the time. I have always known I was adopted, and I cannot remember a specific time when my parents told me. About 4 years ago I was contacted by my birth mother, and she and I have had minimal contact since then. She wants much more from the relationship than I want to give her, and as hard as it is on her, it's the way I want it. Maybe someday I'll post more about it on my other blog where I can go password protected. It's something I've been wanting to write about for a while, but haven't gotten around to it. The whole thing has given new meaning to me for parents who aren't able to have children of their own. My brother is also adopted, but obviously from a different family. He and I could NOT be more different. I used to hate going on vacations when I was younger for the fear that someone would think he was my boyfriend since we look nothing alike. He used to beat me up and I hated him, normal brother/sister things, but now we have a great relationship.

#7. I have only thrown up 9 times. That's going back to childhood, or as far as I can remember. And I CAN remember each time. The last time I did it was summer of 06, and before that it had been about 8 years since it happened. It's a big part of my anxiety disorder, another thing that I may talk about if I can get up the courage. Another one of my blogger buddies talked privately about this very same subject, and I am overwhelmed by her courage to talk about something so private. Only my closest friends know about it, and even though they may not understand it, they support me. And as sick as I was this last pregnancy, I never actually puked. Because that's just what my body does. Instead of getting it out and feeling better, it would rather keep it in and feel more like shit.

Lies:

#6 and #8

#6. I have only been 4 wheeling once in my life, and I was about 12. I came pretty close to flipping and becoming another ATV casualty, therefore I haven't been on one since. However, Matthew owns both a 4 wheeler and 2 dirt bikes and while the 4 wheeler is mostly used for his hunting excursions, he's been known to throw down and get crazy with it. And even though he's too big and looks ridiculous on a dirt bike, he takes that for a good spin occasionally too.

#8. While it did take me 6 years and 2 colleges to finally graduate, I only had 4 different majors, not 6. Although with as many hours as I had when I graduated, I should have had a double major.

So there you have it. Things you did and didn't know about me, and things you probably wish you never had learned!

2 Truths, 2 Lies...Part 1

2008-02-11T18:13:00.001-05:00

So I mean to write this over the weekend, but lo and behold I got busy and I figured you wouldn't care to wait. I'll do this over two posts, and then I'll announce who came the closest.

Truths:

#1, and #3

#1. Both of my feet have webbed toes. I don't look like a duck, it doesn't make me a good swimmer, you probably wouldn't even notice them if you didn't know they were there. The only abnormal thing about my feet is that my toes are really short, but my feet are really long. I did ask the doctor at an early age to separate them. His advice was me was to go to the beach, and pay attention to peoples toes. I didn't do that, but I did find out that my third grade teacher also had them. She was my hero and I never thought about separating them again. If you are that curious, I'll post a pic.

#3. I have traveled extensively over seas. My first trip came as a Junior in college, when I participated as a cheerleader in the New Year's Day Parade in London. Fred Savage was the Grand Marshall of the parade, and I got to meet him. I thought I was the shit. Remind yourself this was 1993...so he WAS cool back then. I also went back there and spent 8 weeks studying abroad my senior year of college. Good times, good times.

My senior year my cheerleading team was one of 10 US squads to participate in an international competition in Tokyo. It was an incredible experience to say the least, it was hands down one of the cleanest cities I have ever been to.

My parents caught the travel bug many years ago, when my dad was on a traveling basketball team. They were able to go many places overseas and therefore when my brother and I were old enough they decided they wanted to pick up where they left off. My mom organized tours over the summers when I was in college, and over those 4 years I was able to travel to Spain, Morocco (WORST PLACE I HAVE EVER BEEN) , France, Switzerland, Italy, Scotland, Amsterdam, New Zealand and Australia...which was as Ava would say "Ah-sum"

Lies:

#4 and #5

#4. We did vacation as a family at the same place every year, but that stopped when I turned 16. The location was Hilton Head, and until 2 years ago I had not been back. Starting in the summer of 06, my best friend and I started going back with our kid(s), a tradition that I hope continues.

#5. I have not been a bridesmaid in 9 weddings, however one of my friends has. I have only been a bridesmaid in 4 (technically 5 if you count my best friend who got married in Vegas, but there was no dress for that one). And I didn't pass out, but a bridesmaid DID pass out at a wedding I was in back in 2006. And it was funny. And no one got it on video.

Part 2 continued tomorrow...I promise.

4 Lies, 4 Truths

2008-02-07T16:44:00.000-05:00

I've seen this one going around, and I don't really have much else to write about, so here goes a little bit of see how well you think you know me! I'm going to do it a little differently, so here I bring you 4 lies and 4 truths. Leave your answers in the comment section if you want, I may or may not send out a prize, but you never know!

1. My second and third toes on both feet are webbed. When I was in third grade I begged my Dr. to separate them but he wouldn't .

2. I was adopted when I was 2 weeks old. My mother was 17, she was kicked out of her house and was forced to spend the remaining 3 months of the pregnancy in a home for pregnant, unwed, teenagers.

3. I have been overseas 6 times, and have visited 11 different countries not including Mexico and Canada.

4. My family and I have been going to the same beach for vacation every year that I have been alive.

5. I'm a serial bridesmaid, I've been a bridesmaid in 9 weddings and I have all of the dresses to prove it. I even passed out at one from the heat and standing too long.

6. Before I had Ava, I would ride dirtbikes and go 4 wheeling on the weekends with my husband and step son. I still go any chance I can.

7. I have only thrown up 9 times in my entire life. I can recall each and every time.

8. I had 6 majors in college before I ever graduated. It took me 7 years to finally finish.

Let's see how many get them right!

This is why you should leave handywork to the professionals

2008-01-29T15:45:00.000-05:00

Do you ever have one of those days when you wake up and realize it's just going to be a bad day? Yeah, well today was one of those, and seeing as it's now 8:00, I hope that the worst for today is over.

So I know I mentioned back a bit ago about the leaky roof?? (don't know how to link back to that post so if you missed it, you may want to go back a few entries). Well see my husband was supposed to call someone to come out and look at it, BUT he decided that he wanted to wait until it rained again to see if he could see where the leak was coming from. I was under the impression that was THEIR job, not his, but since he makes the mortgage payments I went with it.

Fast forward to 6:15 this morning. I don't get up that early. I'm lucky to be out of bed by 8 (and please don't throw rotten tomatoes at me, I have a child that LOVES to sleep.) So I hear what appears to be drip, drip, drip and naturally I'm thinking, oh shit the roof. I summon husband from the basement couch, (he's been banned to sleeping down there until he gets over his nasty, crummy coughing crud, I've already had it and I don't want it again) and we realize that all the rain we've had overnight has caused the leak to increase, and is now all the way down part of the ceiling and dripping onto some furniture and the carpet. GREAT. Thankfully my father in law owns a construction company and didn't mind the 6:30 wake up call. He has someone coming to fix it tomorrow, but that doesn't solve our problem today. So Matthew decides he's still to sick to go to work so at the advice of his father in law, he climbs up in the attic and places a huge pan under the leak, hopefully avoiding any further damage. Here's where it gets interesting. All was good until after lunch, when I was getting ready to lay in bed and catch up with my second best friend, otherwise known as the DVR, when I heard that dripping sound again. Oh shit again was running through my head. This time it was leaking in a different place, around one of the lights. SO, Matthew decides that he probably needs to get another dripping pan and check the leak again. I'm in the kitchen when all of a sudden I hear a loud crash and him screaming out in pain. Initially my thought was how in the hell are the paramedics going to get him down from there. I hear him yelling for me to go to the bedroom, and to my horror this is what I saw.

Which was a result of this...

You guessed it, my handyman husband FELL through the ceiling in true Clark Griswold fashion. And what did I do?? Laugh hystericall of course. But after I made sure he was okay. He banged up his knee pretty bad and came pretty close to putting a smashing to his manly parts (thank you honey for not hurting those) but I just couldn't stop laughing. I mean what can you do. We are probably going to have to replace most of the ceiling in there already, so I mean what's another hole?? And the good thing about this is that we have MORE heavy rain and thunderstorms expected to move through. Hopefully my wake up call in the morning won't be rain or snow on my forehead.

Snow Day

2008-01-22T11:12:00.000-05:00

We woke up to a little snow cover on the ground, and Miss Ava and I decided we needed to take advantage of this before it melts. We MIGHT have gotten a 1/2 inch, and of course schools all over the state were cancelled. Basically if there is a threat to get any snow at all, this entire area goes into survival mode, and I'm sure if I needed a gallon of milk right now I wouldn't be able to find one within a 50 mile radius. That's how we work in these parts.

So we got all dressed up (minus pants, she was still wearing her pajamas), and went out side for a bit. I also realized that the child doesn't have boots, so I broke the rules for my online shopping limits and just ordered her a pair of UG.G's, and I am going to get it for that. I don't know that I can justify spending that kind of money on shoes for her, but I would rather spend it in her than on me, so JUST THIS ONCE (yeah right) I'll indulge myself. She wasn't really sure what to do once we got out there, so she just decided it was best to stand still.

See how she's sort of frozen in her own footsteps?

Still trying to figure out what the hell this white stuff is.

This is his "I'm done" look. He ironically enough went back inside a good 5 minutes before us, and just stood and watched us from the window.

Crazy Week

2008-01-20T21:25:00.001-05:00

To say it's been a crazy week would be an understatement. I took Ava to the doctor on Monday to check out a cough that she's had for a week or so and it turns out that she had a double ear infection as well as an upper respiratory infection. Only her second ear infection so far (knock on wood) but the coughing was keeping us all up at night and it needed to stop. Take that and add "I" teeth finally breaking through, 8547 temper tantrums and I can say I've seen better weeks. To top it all off my parents are in FL for a month, Matthew worked late almost every night, and I came close to pulling a Britney and shaving my head. It would have saved me the trouble and energy of pulling each and every hair out.

In Ava news, I know I mentioned a while back that she was taking her clothes off in her crib, leaving much to be desired when I would get her up. Well I did solve the problem temporarily by putting onesies or body suits on under anything she had on. That worked....for about a week and now she has figured out how to pull the tabs of her diaper through the onesie, and while she can't quite get it all the way off, she can get enough of it off so that the goods still come out. It wouldn't be such a problem except for that she is now OBSESSED with putting her hands down her pants, and you can imagine what a mess this can create. Just today, I got her up from her nap and she had poop smeared all over her pants, shirt, arms and face. Immediately to the tub we went. This child now bathes on average of 2 times a day. I don't know what else to do. She's not interested in the potty. She will say potty and sit on it for a few minutes, and if she's naked she will get up and immediately find a more suitable place to go. I guess I just have to be thankful that my dog seems to think that baby pee is just as good as water.

Anyway, I haven't posted pics of her in a while so here are a few recent ones. Enjoy...

Anyone else think she resembles the mad scientist here?

Sitting in her big girl chair. One of my many recent Pott.ery Barn purchases. I have since been banned from shopping there from my husband.

Doesn't the dog just look thrilled to have her on his back?? Notice the medicine bottles in her hand. She is borderline obsessed with these. Bad yes, but you will be happy to know that the lids are on VERY tight.

Clearly getting good use out of her new easel. And yes she has fallen off, and does it stop her from doing it again?? Not a chance.

And last but not least a little video for your viewing pleasure. I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry at this one. Everytime I clean she insists on having her own cleaning rag, and stuff to spray. I pretend to spray it and she will go around and wipe down where I've just cleaned. Let's hope she still likes to clean when she's 10.

A not so great start to 2008...

2008-01-12T20:39:00.000-05:00

It would be nice to catch a break somewhere. I was laying in bed this afternoon, getting ready to take my daily afternoon nap, and I look up and this is what I saw. The picture to the left is of the tray ceiling in my bedroom, to the right is above a window in Matthew's office. Rooms which are not close together.

Yes we've had a shit ton of rain lately, but seriously, this house is less than 2 years old, and in the almost 8 months that we've lived here we've had two leaky toilets, problems with the septic tank, and now a leaky roof. Apparently I could have done a better roofing job. And you know what's more convenient? The house was under warranty until Dec. 2007. So, I assume on Monday I'll be expected to write yet another check for something in which we cannot afford. This might be a good time to get my online shopping addiction under control before the roof literally caves in.

Come out come out wherever you are!

2008-01-10T10:12:00.000-05:00

Since it's apparently national de-lurking week, I figured I would jump on the band wagon and ask my lurkers to come forth, if I have any! I know people don't comment everytime I post (I'm guilty of doing things to other people, just because I don't post doesn't meant I'm not reading) but this would be a good time to say hi. I'm always looking for new blogs to read too!

Moving...sort of

2008-01-03T22:09:00.000-05:00

I decided to do something that I've wanted to do for a while, and I created a new blog. I am beginning to feel that I'm not giving this one the attention that it needs because of what happened, and I'm missing out on journaling many things that are going on in Ava's life.

This is my happy place, but I also need a place to go when I'm sad, when I need to bitch, or when I just need to vent about the things that have happened. I want this blog to be about Ava, and other things obviously, but I need somewhere to go where I can deal with feelings about the pregnancy that I lost.

So, if you feel like coming with me, I'm over at Grief is a journey

I will still be posting here, hopefully with more frequency than I'm doing now...

New Year...Better times ahead

2008-01-02T09:05:00.000-05:00

Goodbye 2007, year from hell, and HELLLLOOOO 2008. Two days into the New Year, and already I feel better that I never have to write 2007 again. It truly was a hard year for our family. We lost 4 family members, (2 of those happened right at Christmas time), we almost lost my father, and we lost 2 babies. I have never been so excited for a year to end, and I know that 2008 has to be better. It can't get any worse right?

I got away for a few days and went down to Nashville to watch my beloved Cats win their second straight bowl game. It was nice to get away, and Matthew offered to stay behind and take care of Ava. Matthew and my parents were both supposed to make the trip, but my parents had to stay behind to attend a funeral and Matthew agreed to let me have some time off. It was much needed and appreciated! And in all honesty I needed a break from him too. He's been on vacation for 3 weeks (starts back at his old job next week) and he's driving me bonkers. I love him and it's been a godsend to have him here to help me but at the same time I'm not used to having him around all the time.

Everyone is talking about their New Year's resolutions, and just like everyone else mine are pretty simple. And my top goal is to of course is to lose weight. I never got it all off after I had Ava, and if I decide to do the baby thing again, I want to make sure my body is as healthy as it can be.

Second on the priority list is to get Ava potty trained, and quick. She's quickly learned how to take off her clothes, and apparently now she's learned how to undo snaps and zippers. Case in point, the past 4 mornings she's greeted us stark naked, diaper on the floor, and a soaking wet bed. Sheets, blankets, and stuffed animals have had to be washed. Thankfully she's been kind enough not to poop in there, and as cute as it is, it's getting old fast. I'm in desperate need of ideas of what to do. I guess for now I'm going to have to go back to putting onesies on underneath her PJ's, but I'm sure it won't be long until she figures that one out too.

I hope everyone had a safe one, here's to 2008 being a kick ass year!

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-25T19:14:00.001-05:00

I hope that everyone had a wonderful holiday! Three days of non stop action has left us all a little tired and grumpy, but it's all worth it to see your children smile.

Time Flies...

2007-12-22T16:02:00.000-05:00

6 years ago today Matthew and I had our first date. If you would have told me back then what we as a couple would go through until this point, I probably would have quickly run in another direction. But looking back now the good times definitely outweigh the bad, and I would never want to experience anything in life with anyone else. Even though there are times that I would like to throw him out to a pack of wolves, I love him, we were meant to be together, and going through what we have has only made us a stronger couple. I know that I truly have a partner in life, and together we can make it through anything.
Happy "anniversary"

The story - Part 2

2007-12-14T21:55:00.000-05:00

So it's safe to say that my body went through alot that day. Once again, induction had brought on fast and furious labor, something that this time I was thankful for.

Matthew came in just in time to see the aftermath and talk to the doctor, and then we were left alone in the room to digest what just happened. We had decided that we did want to see her, hold her, and tell her goodbye. Once she was delivered she was taken away to be cleaned up, dressed and to have her picture taken, just like they do with regular newborns at this hospital. We just sat there, acting like nothing had even happened. We laughed, talked on the phone with friends, I begged and waited for food (I hadn't eaten in what seemed like forever). At about 7:00, the nurse walked in and we just stopped talking. She brought our precious baby to us and at that very moment in unison we sobbed. I never imagined to have that wave of emotion hit. I had never felt so hopeless in my life. I studied everything about her. To me, she looked perfect. She was small, but perfect. And then I noticed her lips, and how they looked just like Ava's. She was cold, and her body was rapidly fading as the minutes passed. We both held her, and kissed her, and I told her how sorry I was that I couldn't protect her, but that it was her job to go to heaven and be with God and her sister.

We called for the nurse to come and get her, this was to be the last time that we would see our baby. Matthew stayed with me for another 30 minutes or so, then they came to move me to my new room. I was moved to a room far from the mother/baby unit to recover. I had no baby to take care of, but my body had still been through hell. It hurt like hell to pee from having the catheter, I could barely sit up because of the pain in my back from the epidural, and my right leg was still numb. I sent Matthew home, and my mom came and sat with me for a while. She desperately wanted to be there for me during the night, but my dad had just gotten home that same day from having heart surgery and she needed to be with him. I was in good hands, and honestly, I just wanted to be alone. I was desperately trying to digest what had just happened, and just like how it was before they brought her to me, I sort of acted as if nothing had happened. I turned on the TV, and tried to rest. I don't know what made this trip to the hospital so different, but I literally was getting woken up ever 30 minutes. Blood pressure check, blood taken, more antibiotics. It was insane. Not to mention the urge to pee every 30 minutes or so due to the massive amounts of fluids that were being pumped through my body. I had to pee in a measured cup, and I had to call the nurse each time I went so she could measure and dump it out. I also got the lovely uterus massage every 2 hours or so to check for bleeding. Some things I definitely had forgotten from Ava's birth, and I WILL NOT forget them next time, if there is a next time.

Morning finally came and I could not wait to see my Dr. so I could get the hell out of there. He came, gave me my marching orders (no sex, tampons) for 2 weeks, and business as usual. By this point, I was feeling much better and really felt as if nothing had even happened. Again, where were my emotions?? Why wasn't I more upset? Was I setting myself up for a delayed reaction? I could tell he was worried that I might fall into depression, but I wasn't worried, I mean I am a strong person right?? We had a brief talk with the bereavement counselor, we were given a bunch of information on websites, we were told how to go about retrieving her body, and then we were given the all clear. And instead of being wheeled out in a wheelchair, we were allowed to walk out. Apparently when you give birth to a dead baby you are allowed to do whatever the hell you want. As I walked out the doors, it hit me. This was really over, we were leaving the hospital without our baby.

Instead of a baby to take home and feed, I was sent home with Ace Bandages to wrap around my chest so my milk wouldn't come in. Instead of a baby to bring home I was sent home with a keepsake box of pictures, a pillow and the blanket where she was laying when she had her pictures taken. Instead of a baby to bring home, I was sent home with a broken heart, an empty belly and a confused soul.

The rest of that day was spent together, trying to laugh, but not trying not to cry. We cried, we hugged and we did what I didn't think I was ready to do. We opened the box and looked at her pictures. I took out the blanket and I smelled it, it smelled like her. I slept with it that night and it has not left my bed. I put everything back in the box, along with all of our ultrasound pictures and sympathy cards, and I closed it. It hasn't been opened since.

Two weeks ago I went for my follow up visit, and was cleared to resume all activities. I was also sent home with 3 sample paks of birth control pills. It's reality and reality sucks. Instead of getting to enjoy, or not enjoy the last three months of pregnancy, I am now back on birth control, trying to let my body and my mind heal in case I want to jump on this roller coaster again.

I really have been trying to have as much faith during this as I can, but it's hard. I'm so mad that they were both taken away from me. Two babies, I lost two babies. I will never get to see their first smiles, hear their first laughs, hear their first words or watch them take their first steps. I'll never send them off on their first day or school, watch them go off to college, dance on their wedding days or become mothers themselves. These are the things that hurt so much.

I dealt with the first one better because there were obvious things wrong. This last one? Makes me sick sometimes to think about it. It still sometimes feels like a dream. She was perfect. And from what we know right now, she died because of what happened to the first one. I keep hearing people say that they were meant to stay together, they weren't meant to be separated...blah blah blah and I know they are probably right but that means nothing to me right now. I just want my baby girls back. And I'm constantly asking myself why/how didn't I realize something was wrong?? Our job as parents are to protect our children and I was the only one who could and I didn't. I know it wasn't my fault and I know there wouldn't have been anything else I could have done. And the scary thing is, that hypothetically if either myself or the Doctors would have noticed my water broke after we lost the first baby, chances are this pregnancy would have ended much sooner, my parents would have taken off for Florida, and then who knows what would have happened with my father and his heart problems.

I could NEVER, ever wish this to happen to anyone, not even my worst enemies. I have such a new found respect for women who have suffered losses and I have found/met some amazing people in the past month. It's absolutely unfair that any woman would have to suffer through something like this. I never thought I would be turning to grief support groups for this, I never thought this would or could happen to be, and I never thought that because of this situation I would become a grim statistic. But I have, it did, and I am. And I will deal with it.

We buried Anna Grace last Tuesday, December 4. It was a small graveside service with our parents, Ava, and our minister. Matthew and I decided we didn't want her buried alone, so we purchased our burial plots, and she is buried where my feet will be. The days are getting better. I'm taking it one at a time, and that's all I can do. I let myself cry when I feel sad, and laugh when I'm happy. I still have a family to take care of, and a love able, high maintenance toddler who needs my undivided attention. The pain is fresh, and I know over time it will ease but it will never go away. They will always be a part of me, and knowing that we have two angels that we will meet again someday makes it easier to move on. In life I have been a very lucky person, and I still feel that way. I just had some unfortunate things happen along the way. And because of these I will come out a stronger person.

Rest in peace baby girl....

Long overdue - The story part 1

2007-12-05T21:51:00.000-05:00

First of all I wanted to say that, again, I was BLOWN away at the response and the support that I have received. You all are truly my bright spot through all of this, and I can honestly say that each and every one of your comments brought tears to my eyes, and each one of them was exactly what I needed.

I've been trying for over a week to get this post out, but we were all sick last week, Ava wasn't sleeping, and then Saturday I strained all of my lower back muscles bringing Christmas decorations up and was flat on my back in bed on muscle relaxers for 2 days. It's just been one thing after another. I'm breaking this into two parts, because let's be honest, I have alot on my mind, I have alot to say and I don't want to forget a single moment of that day.

It all started on November 13. I started having some more bleeding, and had been having light contractions for a few days. I paged my doctor and he told me that he wanted to see me the next day. I didn't sleep that night. Somehow I just knew that this was the end, and I wanted to cherish every last minute that I had with my baby. Wednesday rolls around and when I get into his office he does an exam, and realizes that YES I am indeed leaking fluid. This was both good and bad news. The good news was that they now had a reason to admit me to the hospital to induce labor, the bad news was that even though I thought I had prepared myself for this, I would be losing my baby the next day. I still look back and wonder how I didn't know this was happening. I was NOT ready, at all. We did everything that we could. This baby just would not make it without the fluid, and as much as we wanted this baby, this pregnancy, we didn't want for her to suffer. If we would have made it to 26 weeks they would have considered it a viable pregnancy and the baby would have been born and would have struggled to breathe without the lung development. I was not willing to let my baby suffer and at this point the Doctor told me I had no other choice. They diagnosed me with fetal demise, sent me home with a prescription of Cyto.tec and told me to report to the hospital at 6:00 AM that next morning. I should also mention that this same day (Wednesday) my father was in the same hospital have 3 more stints put in. Who would have guessed that my dad and I would be patients at the same hospital at the very same time.

Walking into labor and delivery brought me back to the day when Ava was born, but this time we knew we were not going to have a happy ending. We knew we would not be bringing a baby home with us, yet I still had to put my body through the whole labor process. I got to my room, looked at baby warmer and all of it's surroundings, looked at the heart monitor that wouldn't get used, and realized this was going to be even harder than I had imagined. My nurse came in at that point and right away she put me at ease. She answered alot of questions we had, and she had some tough ones for us. Did we want to see the baby, did we want to hold the baby, were we going to name the baby, were we going to bury the baby or did we want the hospital to take care of it for us. Alot of questions that up until then we really hadn't thought much about. She also mentioned to us that she put a sign on our door with a purple heart, an indication for all staff that this was a dead pregnancy. As horrible as it was, it saved alot of grief we could have encountered if someone came in and tried to congratulate us. We continued through the 8000 questions and then at about 8:00 came my first cervical check, and another round of Cyto.tec. At this point I had dilated enough for her to determine that the cord was actually pushing through my cervix. She told me that if this was a full term pregnancy I would been rushed straight to the operating room for a C-section.

My doctor came in about 8:30 and I could just see the sadness in his eyes. He did another check to see how I was progressing, gave me a hug and told me he would be back around lunch time. From here we just sort of hung out. I had been having contractions since the night before, but they weren't anything to write home about. I assumed this is sort of what it felt like to naturally go into labor. Contractions spaced out, not lasting very long, etc. My labor with Ava was induced and it was fast, hard and furious. Another story, another post. Things started to get a wee bit uncomfortable at about 11, and my nurse all but shoved the Sta.tol in my IV. I didn't think much of it because I had it with Ava and I actually kind of enjoyed. This time IT WAS AWFUL. I felt it immediately, and within 3 minutes I was shaking, sweating and on the edge of throwing up all over the place. I wanted it to go away so badly I started crying. I was miserable. I managed to get them to give me some Reg.lan for the nausea which helped, but then as I started to get more lightheaded my blood pressure machine was going crazy and the next thing I knew she was giving me Ephed.rine as my blood pressure was dropping pretty low. When I finally realized who I was again, I found out it had dropped to 86/50.

It was about this time that she also was convincing me to get an epidural. I went in there telling myself that there was no need for me to have one, I could handle the contractions and it wasn't like I was going to be pushing out a 7 lb. baby. I mean how bad could it be right??? Well what they forgot to tell me was that more than likely after all of this I would be wheeled to the OR for a D&C. Apparently when you deliver this early the placenta does not often detach and that procedure is necessary to get it all out, so I was advised to get the epidural then so that they would be able to do the procedure promptly after the birth while my cervix was still dilated. All I kept thinking to myself was "what now!" The epidural lady came in and it was much worse this time than my last time. I wasn't in a whole lot of pain and I could feel everything she was doing, not to mention it seemed to take forever. I had only had the Sta.tol for about 30 minutes when I got the epidural so at this point I could barely keep my eyes open. I tried and tried to sleep, and every time I would close my eyes I felt like the room was spinning. And it's not like I could use the old school drunk trick of putting my foot on the floor. I was numb (at least my right half was). Once my leg did fall of the side of the bed and it wasn't pleasant. I think my doctor might have come in at some point during all this, but I was beyond out of it by this point.

I managed to sleep for a little while and then woke up when they shift changed for nurses. The doctor had said he would be back at about 5 so I thought we had plenty of time and I sent Matthew off to lunch. I had a nice little chat with my new nurse and after hearing about her pregnancy nightmare, I promised myself never to complain again. She had such severe hyper.emesis that she puked at least 30 times a day. She said she was hospitalized 4 times for dehydration, had to give herself IV fluids on all of her breaks, and literally could not keep food or water down. She lost 14 pounds, had placenta previa early on, and then ended up having to deliver 8 weeks early. Her little boy spent 4 weeks in the NICU but is okay now. She went on and on, I could not believe this poor girl went through that. We kept chatting and it was about this time I noticed I could feel each contraction on my left side, and they were getting stronger and coming closer together. (Something about my left side does not take too well to the epidurals. That happened with Ava too) So I asked her for some more medicine, she went to check and of course the anesthesiologist was in an emergency C-section so I was going to have to wait. No biggie. This was about 3:30. At about this time my doctor happened to peek his head in, and I asked him to check because of all the pressure. He did his thing and at that point he just pulled the baby out. All I could see was a precious, tiny little baby who looked perfect to me, even though I knew it was dead. I knew the exact moment that it died, just something I felt.

It wasn't until about 3 minutes later that they told me it was a little girl. I was crushed, yet somehow I knew it was a girl long before this happened. We had decided that we did want to see her, so they took her for a while to get her cleaned up and pictures taken. He decided at this point he wanted to try and get the placenta out, to alleviate the need for me to have a complete D&C. Lord I had no idea what I was about to see, and feel. I was still numb and I don't want to get into the gory details of it all, but I felt like I was a pumpkin being carved. There was blood and yucky stuff everywhere. Matthew was still not there, he missed the whole thing and as much as I needed him, part of me is glad he didn't have to see me like that. My doctor and I had plenty of time to chat, and I learned some pretty personal things about him that he apparently doesn't talk about too often. I know I've talked about how much I love my Doctor, but hearing his stories about his own heartache brought it to a whole new level. He understands, he's been there and he really was sorry about what we were going through. He went and cleaned up, came gave me another hug and he was on his way.

Matthew got back right before the doctor left, the procedure was complete, yet we still hadn't gone through the hardest part of it all.

It's coming I swear...

2007-11-26T21:23:00.000-05:00

I promise it's coming, the one where it all ended but lord things have been like a zoo around here. Apparently since my 20 month old runs the show in this house, the computer is no longer allowed to be on unless ELMO is talking on my screen. My evil brother found a website with Elmo games and stories, and well that was the reason I had NOT introduced my child to him. Now he's everywhere. So unless she's sleeping, I'm not on the computer. And since I've been struck with the chest cold from hell, when she's sleeping I've been sleeping too.

She's in her crib right now screaming, but since I'm about to be looped out on Ny.Quil I needed 5 minutes, just 5 MINUTES. Even if this is a pretty pointless post, it's so much better than effing E-Mo.

Closure sucks and it hurts like hell

2007-11-16T21:22:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to let everyone know that our precious baby girl was born sleeping on Thursday, November 15, 2007 at 3:48 PM, weighing in at 10.2 ounces and 9.5 inches long. We fought for her until the very end, and she never stopped fighting but the odds were stacked against us as what little fluid I was producing was leaking at an alarming pace and no matter what we could have done, she could not survive outside my belly. This has proven to be more painful than anything we could have imagined.

For my own sanity I need to write everything down, and I want to share it all...but I've had a total of 5 hours of sleep in 2 days days and let's face it..I can't make sense of it all right now. I am hurting in ways that I can't explain, so I am going to try this weekend to detail a post worthy enough of the events that happened, but please bear with me as I desperately try to get my feelings on paper in the manner that I truly feel them.

What a week...Part 1

2007-11-08T22:06:00.000-05:00

First of all, again thanks to everyone who said an extra little prayer for us. I never imagined I could possibly be hit with so much at once.

I am beyond exhausted but I want to try to get all of this out and still make sense. It's probably going to be long and discombobulated so bear with me.

It looks like my dad is going to be okay. My dad's a former UK Bask.etball player, and subsequently one of the most stubborn, strongest, and hard headed people I know - it could be where I get mine from! He took a walk and came home and started washing the car and noticed that he had pain that started in his shoulder and radiated into his elbow. He didn't think much of it, went in took an ad.vil and went back to his business. Shortly thereafter he broke out into a really cold sweat, and it was at about this point that he realized something was wrong. At about the same time my mom called to tell him she was still out running errands, and he told her that something was wrong and she needed to get home. He didn't think that he needed to call 911, but my brother who was with my mom wasn't taking any chances and called. The ambulance was there in less than 5 minutes, all the while my dad decided that he would take a shower while he waited. Sometimes I think he's an idiot. He was not actively having a heart attack when the ambulance arrived, but shortly after they got him to the hospital he started to go downhill fast. At one point his heart went into V-F.ib and they needed to use the paddles to shock him. He also had a seizure during all this, but was awake the entire time. Within one hour of arriving they determined he had 90% blockage in 3 of his arteries, they placed a stint into the one with the most severe damage, and they put him in ICU. And my mom was there to witness every single minute of that. I cannot even imagine what she went through.

As soon as Ava woke up from her nap Matthew and I dropped her off at a friends and made it to the hospital. On my way into the ICU I ran into the PA of the doctor that was working on his case (ironically I went to high school with her so I felt very comfortable asking questions) and she made it very clear to us that if my mom and brother didn't call 911 when they did we might be looking at a different outcome. The fact that he was already at the hospital when the major problems happened more than likely saved his life. I can't even begin to tell you the thoughts that have been going through my head. My dad is the rock of my family. Alot of you have commented on how strong I have been through this pregnancy, and I sincerely think I get alot of my strength from my dad. To think of life without him is unimaginable. My first thought when all of this happened was Ava. She is his princess, a shining light in his life. I honestly sometimes think that she would rather spend time with her "Pa Pa" than me. And that melts my heart. Most of you probably don't know that I'm adopted, and I honestly could NOT have been adopted by two better people. I even think Matthew got more upset about this than I did, to me that tells me alot.

He was moved to a normal room today and will probably be in the hospital until Saturday or so. He's still not out of the woods because they need to decide how they want to approach the other two blockages, but he's being treated, and that's good enough for me. Something that really made me think about was the fact that they were supposed to leave for Florida on Tuesday. However with everything that's gone on with me they decided not to go. It sickens me to think about where they would have been if this had happened while they were gone. I'm not saying that it would have happened, but maybe all the stuff going on with me is happening for a reason after all. It did keep them here and they are able to be close to family.

I'll post again tomorrow about this weeks U/S and Dr. appt. I'm so tired and tomorrow is going to be a LONG day. I need to get up and go see dad in the morning, and then it's a frantic rush to get things together for my brother in law's wedding on Saturday. I can tell you this, Ava is going to be the most beautiful flower girl ever...that is if she decides she wants to walk down the aisle.

Please say and extra prayer...

2007-11-07T15:26:00.000-05:00

I have alot to update you on about how things went at the doctor yesterday, but I just got a call from my brother and they just rushed my dad to the ER because he was complaining of chest pains. I'm off to the hospital now, and I don't know what's going on exactly but if you don't care to say an extra prayer for us. As if we needed anything else to go wrong at this point. I guess I should at least point out that I still have no fluid, but baby is alive and is now only measuring 5 days behind as opposed to 9 days behind from the last appointment. I'll explain everything in detail as soon as I can.

I guess all of this definately falls into the category of "when it rains, it pours..."

Short and to the point

2007-11-05T22:01:00.001-05:00

This one will be short but I wanted to update on what's going on. I go tomorrow for my follow up ultrasound, and then to my OB to discuss options at this point. I don't expect things to change but things that are making it difficult on me is that even though I have no amniotic fluid, we have already exceeded expectations in that the baby is still fighting, and still alive. I made an emergency call to my doctor last Wednesday to have a look, because honestly I didn't feel pregnant anymore. And even though I still get an occasional roll or kick from this one, I still don't feel like I'm pregnant. Things are just so different now, I wish I could describe it.

The most disheartening thing was that when my husband asked him point blank if this baby had a chance to survive and the doctor said no. His advice was to go to dinner, have a beer and discuss where we want to go from here. So we decided to give it until Tuesday. So here we are, on the eve of what might be the biggest decision of our lives. I don't want to give up hope yet, but the smart part of me realizes that this is probably the end of this journey. I can't let this baby suffer any more. I can't suffer any more. The longer we wait, the harder it is going to be to let go. I know I shouldn't give up, and I want more than anything to prove these doctors wrong. But let's face it. They have seen this before, they know it has a grim outcome.

I don't want this post to seem disheartening and cold, because that's not how it's meant to come off. I have cried so many tears these past two weeks, and I'm sure there are more to come. This baby is wanted more than I ever realized, and having all of this happen has just solidified our desire to try again. We want this baby, we love this baby, but we have also mentally and physically prepared ourselves for the worst. It's what we have to do. I don't think anyone can every fully prepare for these things, but it's the hand that's been dealt, and there's not a whole lot we can do. I will come out of this a stronger person, there's no doubt about that. The best thing that can happen tomorrow is that they tell us there has been a change, and there's something else we can do. The worst thing is that they admit me to the hospital, and we start labor. Either way, I'm at peace, and I know I'll survive. We will have two angels looking out for and taking care of us.

And to top it all off my daughter is a flower girl for the first time on Saturday night and I will be damned if I miss it. She is my world, and I love her more and more each day.

I'm tagging myself

2007-11-02T21:04:00.001-04:00

I've seen this meme going around, and instead of another depressing post about the drama in my life, I thought I would do something a little different.

1. What kind of SOAP is in your bathtub right now? Mango and Pomegranate by Softsoap

2. Do you have any watermelon in your refrigerator? Nope, hate watermelon. Don't throw stones at me, I know I'm weird. But you try puking it up and see if it sounds good to you??

3. What would you change about your living room? I wish we had a mantle. Where the hell is Santa going to stop if I can't hang my stockings?

4. Are the dishes in your dishwasher clean or dirty? They were dirty but I loaded the dishwasher tonight.

5. What is in your fridge? A bunch of crap. Milk, condiments, lots of leftover that probably have mold growing on them, applesauce, jello, pudding, and a bubba keg filled with vodka and something. It was the last alcoholic drink I had so you can imagine how long it's been sitting in there.

6. White or wheat bread? Right now white, but I think that's a pregnancy thing.

7. What is on top of your refrigerator? A bag of tortilla chips

8. What color or design is on your shower curtain? We have a stand up shower so no shower curtain

9. How many plants are in your home? None! I can't even keep dead ones looking nice.

10. Is your bed made right now? No, what's the point in making it when you spend most of the afternoon laying in it.

11. Comet or Soft Scrub? Comet. Stuff stinks but boy does it work.

.12. Is your closet organized? Now that I don't share with my husband you bet it is.

13. Can you describe your flashlight? We have too many to list. The only one I can think of is big and yellow.

14. Do you drink out of glass or plastic most of the time at home? Glass.

15. Do you have iced tea made in a pitcher right now? I wish. Too lazy to get up and make any.

16. If you have a garage, is it cluttered? Not really cluttered, but I still can't park my car in there which really pisses me off.

17. Curtains or blinds? Plantation blinds only right now. I'll do curtains someday.

18. How many pillows do you sleep with? Usually 2, but sometimes 3 if I can steal one away from my husband.

19. Do you sleep with any lights on at night? Nope just the TV. Can't sleep without it.

20. How often do you vacuum? Well, seeing as I have a dog, a cat, and hard wood floors I should vacuum every day. Pre-pregnancy it was getting done every other day. Now??? I'm lucky to do it every two weeks. Gross I know. You don't have to tell me about it.

21. Standard toothbrush or electric? Regular. My child's latest obsession is toothbrushes, so I would have to donate a kidney if we had to keep buying new electric ones.

22. What color is your toothbrush? Right now it's pink, but it will probably end up in the toilet tomorrow so who knows what the next color will be.

23. Do you have a welcome mat on your front porch? It doesn't say welcome but I do have a mat. I also have one leading to the deck that's covered in Martini glasses and says "Cheers."

24. What is in your oven right now? The racks, my Pamp.ered Chef Pi.zza Stone and another piece of stoneware.

25. Is there anything under your bed? Yep. A suitcase, hairballs and a couple piles of cat vomit. I know, it's disgusting. I have to hear about it every day. But the dog can't fit under there and he's better than any vacuum at getting that stuff up.

26. Chore you hate doing the most? LAUNDRY. Enough said.

27. What retro items are in your home? None anymore since we pretty much bought all new furniture when we moved.

28. Do you have a separate room that you use as an office? Actually yeah, although right now it is used for miscellaneous crap storage while the furniture that is supposed to go in there is sitting in the garage collecting dust.

29. How many mirrors are in your home? One in each bathroom (4) one by the back door, one in master bedroom, so 6??

30. Do you have any hidden emergency money around your home? I'm sure my husband has some hidden in his safe, but I'm not allowed to have the code.

31. What color are your walls? This could take a while. Master bedroom is yellow, master bath is beige, hallways are beige, living room/dining room is green, kitchen is what I call diarrhea brown (but it's really pretty I promise!), half bath is beige, Ava's room is pink, her bathroom is green, guest room is beige, basement and basement bathroom are beige, one bedroom in basement is pink/green with pink/green stripes, and the other bedroom in the basement is purple/gray with purple/gray stripes

32. Do you keep any kind of protection weapons in your home? Are you kidding?? My husband has been hunting for 20 years. We have more guns than all branches of the military combined. I'm kidding of course, but we do have quite a few. They are locked up with the exception of one handgun that he keeps in the armoire in our room. I didn't grow up with guns in the house so to say it makes me nervous is an understatement.

33. What does your home smell like right now? Right now it has the fresh, aromatic lovely smell of sulfur. Our friggin septic system is at it again.

34. Favorite candle scent? Cinnamon, pumpkin spice, or anything apple. I'm all about fall/winter scents.

35. What kind of pickles (if any) are in your refrigerator right now? Dill of course!

36. What color is your favorite Bible? Umm...my favorite Bible?? The only one I have is the one my sorority gave me in college and it's white.

37. Ever been on your roof? Not recently, but I did used to get up on my parents roof and help my dad clean out the gutters when I was younger.

38. Do you own a stereo? Nope

39. How many TVs do you have? Too many. We have 6. One in the bedroom, one in the living room, one in the kitchen, 2 in the basement...one in the main part and one over by the workout equipment and one in my step sons room.

40. How many house phones? We have one main base with two extra remote bases....so 3.

41. Do you have a housekeeper? Shit I wish. Don't think I won't have one someday because I will. It's a lifelong dream of mine.

42. What style do you decorate in? I suck at decorating. I steal alot of ideas from Po.ttery Barn and buy the stuff at Tar.get or the Cra.te and Bar.rel

43. Do you like solid colors in furniture or prints? Normally solids, however my new double chaise lounge is striped and I'm completely in love with it. I'm sure I'll be sick of it in a few years, but maybe by then I can afford a slip cover.

44. Is there a smoke detector in your home? In every room of the house. However one needed a new battery about a month ago. Is it sad that I don't even notice the beeping anymore??

I do have more stuff to post about what's going on with the baby though. That to come soon....

Boo

2007-10-30T22:15:00.000-04:00

In case I'm not able to post for a bit, I'll leave you with something really scary for your Halloween.

I hope everyone has a good one.

Hope and Acceptance

2007-10-25T22:05:00.000-04:00

I've been trying to get this post up for a couple of days, and I just can't seem to find the right balance of what I want to say. First of all I am speechless as to how to thank all of your for your endearing words of kindness and support. I am blown away at the responses that I got, and it has honestly helped me get through what so far has been the roughest week I can remember. I wish I had time to individually thank each and every one of you, but seeing as how my very active 19 month old doesn't think it's fair that I get to play on the computer when she can't, you can imagine I have very little time to myself.

I finally had a nice 30 minute discussion with my OB on Thursday. I tried to ask questions that I still had, best and possible options, and where do we go from here. As of then (and I guess as of right now) the baby is still alive, so even though the chances are slim that this is going to have a good outcome, we aren't ready to throw in the towel just yet. He asked me how I felt about delivering a baby with a heartbeat, and I can't, I won't, so we have decided to let nature take its course. I know what is probably inevitably going to happen, I am going to have to say goodbye to my baby but both the doctor and I would feel more comfortable if we gave it everything we have. So at this point he wants me to wait until my next ultrasound next Tuesday. Try telling that to my nerves because they are pretty much shot right now.

I have so many emotions going through me right now. I'm exhausted, sad, overwhelmed, mad but more than anything I'm scared. I'm scared how I'm really going to react to this once it is over. How am I going to grieve. How am I going to feel when this baby is no longer a part of me. I am not one that wears my emotions on my sleeve. I rarely cry in front of people. I like to pretend that I'm the strong one but inside I'm dying, I just want someone to take the pain away. As much as I'm ready for this to be over so I can begin to move on with my life, I want to cherish every minute I have because I don't know when it will be the last. But no matter how hard it is to be strong right now, I don't have a choice. I have to be there for my daughter, my husband, my family, but most importantly I have to be strong for this baby because as of right now it's still fighting. And that's more than enough motivation to keep me going.

Sorry for the delay

2007-10-23T21:14:00.001-04:00

I know you guys are anxious to hear the results. Bottom line is I have no good news. They were not able to determine the sex, because I have absolutely no amniotic fluid surrounding the baby. Basically this pregnancy is over and all I can do now is sit and wait.

I sat in the doctors office for 2 and half fucking hours and as soon as the tech started things I knew they were bad. I've been through these before and she could barely get measurements on anything because the baby had no where to go. The worst part??? The baby's heart is beating, the skull is formed, the spine is perfect...the things I was worried about are not even a concern. Reasons for concern?? Other than the fluid...the fact that they can see can see the umbilical cord but not the stomach. His thought was that it was not in the right place. Another reason that my AFP tests were high could possibly be a problem with the abdominal wall cavity. The reason for no fluid?? No bladder production. They asked me several times if I thought I was leaking fluid? Don't you think a normal person would know if they were??? He made it seem like I wasn't telling them the truth on that. He then realized that the placenta probably wasn't doing it's job. Because it's attached to the other baby's placenta, it's a possibility that when the other baby died it caused the other to stop working. And I'm also only measuring 17 weeks, 0 days when I'm supposed to be almost 18 1/2 weeks along. So you can see that we've determined that this pregnancy was just not meant to be. I'm beyond devastated. I can't even explain to you how I feel right now. My heart literally aches. All I know is before I could muster up the strength to shed one tear I could hear Matthew on the side of me start to lose it. Then I lost it, and then my mom lost it. It's just so incredibly unfair that after all of this I still have nothing to show for it.

He told me all the thing that can potentially go wrong, stillbirth, preterm labor, pre-eclampysia, various other things that can damage my health...I could go on but I don't want to. He even mentioned something about ovarian cysts but I never heard another word about it so I have no idea if that's something to be concerned about or not.

So when I tried to get my composure back I asked him at this point what my options were. I either a.) come back in two weeks and see if the fluid MIRACULOUSLY reappears (which apparently based on his experience isn't going to) or b.) I opt to go into the hospital, have my labor induced, to give birth to a live baby who will not make it. I mean pardon the language but what the fuck am I supposed to do? I don't think I can make it another two weeks for them to tell me what I already know. I just wish someone would tell me what to do. Matthew thinks that from what he saw of the heartbeat it was slow, so maybe God is making the decision for me but I cannot in my right mind do that to a live baby. I can't. I have already "given birth" to a dead baby at home, I don't ever want to have to go through that again and I'm going to have to. It's not fair, it's just not fair. I'm not a bad person so why is this happening to me?

I intend to talk to my Dr. first thing in the morning and I hope at that point he can give me some direction because I have never felt so lost in my life. I KNOW people go through this all the time, and I actually have friends who have been through worse, I'm just throwing myself a pity party right now because it's the only thing I know to do.

I don't know when I'll blog again. I don't want this to be a blog about my losses, I still have a great life. I have a wonderful husband, the most perfect little girl who I love and appreciate more now than ever, and an equally supporting family. I want to be able to focus on the positive on my life so when I feel like I'm able to share those again I will. Hopefully it won't be too long and in the meantime I hope I don't lose you all as readers. And I will be reading you :) And wishing those of you who are on your journeys through pregnancy nothing but the best!

Wanna play a game??

2007-10-23T10:12:00.001-04:00

So today's the big day, the day we find out if we're having a boy or a girl, but more importantly the day that we hopefully hear that the baby is healthy. That is really all I care about right now anyways.

I've never done an audience participation post so here's where you come in. I wanna know your opinions. Do you think I'm having a boy or a girl? I'll do the big reveal later but only after I get 10 comments with your guesses. Come on people, 10 comments. Is that so much to ask?

In other news, the stomach flu/virus is ripping through this family like wildfire. It started with my mom, then me and my husband and now Ava has a touch of it, bottom end style. Curious to see what my weight is today as I was pretty much unable to eat anything for 2 days. But as I sit here eating my McDo.nalds breakfast I think it's safe to assume the worst is behind me.

Wish me luck, in 3 short hours we'll know!

When life gives you a lemon, make vodka and lemonade

2007-10-16T17:02:00.001-04:00

Yeah I'm here. I know you all are sitting on the edge of your seats wondering what to expect next. Well the neverending challenges of this pregnancy keep coming at me. Things were going good until I got the call on Tuesday. The call that will again keep me from sleeping or enjoying a minute of life until my ultrasound on Tuesday. My Doctor called Tuesday afternoon to inform me that my AFP test came back high for Neur.al Tu.be De.fects. He assured me that he's confident based on the pathology of the dead baby that this is a direct reflection of that. I am also comforted by the fact that if he was overly concerned I would have been in his office that day. It still doesn't make it any easier on me. Yes I know these tests produce many false positives, yes I know that at the time the blood work was taken I was probably still carrying hormones from the other baby. I also know that as we weren't planning to have a baby this soon I was NOT taking pre-natal vitamins. I did start choking them down the day I found out, but there were some days at the early stages I couldn't choke them down. I just have to try to have as little faith as I have left that everything still is okay. We will know for sure on Tuesday but knowing all of the what ifs takes all the fun out of finding out the sex of this baby. All I am concerned about now is that it is healthy. And considering this is the last time I am going through this, I was hoping to at least be able to enjoy a little bit about being pregnant. So far we've struck out big time in that area.

In other totally irrrelevant news, things haven't been all that bad here. My child FINALLY decided that she can indeed get faster places if she walks. Sure she's been taking a few steps for weeks, but the other night we were out to dinner at the clubhouse where my dad plays golf, and she just took off, all the way across the room, and never looked back. That's my girl. I knew she had it in her! She still prefers to crawl but at least we're getting there. Now if the dog would only get out of her way...

Knowing me I won't post again until the weekend is over. Thankfully I have a busy one planned. Matthew is having his 20th, yep 20th High School Reunion this weekend (I love teasing him about that) so there's all kinds of crap, I mean stuff going on. Not really looking forward to much of it except Keen.land on Sunday, but seeing as my favorite thing to do out there is chug the ice cold beer, I might be in for a long afternoon. He's also dragging me to some picnic on Saturday which is forcing me to miss my beloved Cats kick the crap out of the Gators. Does he realize what a good wife I am??? Because seriously, I don't miss football games for just anybody.

**Just got a message from the nurse at my Doctor's office saying my blood work came back normal??? WTF. God I'm so confused

Swoosh, swoosh, swoosh, swoosh...

2007-10-09T17:15:00.000-04:00

A strong 158 beats a minute, honestly the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. Belly growth right on track, a whopping 6 pounds gained and 6 vials of my blood now belong to the lovely people in white lab coats. Mom's happy, dad's happy and Doctor is happy...what more could I ask for! I even got a faint little flutter as I was getting ready to hop on the table. It's just been a great day.

Today's the day

2007-10-09T09:01:00.000-04:00

If you are thinking about it at 2:30 ish, say a quick prayer for us. We have yet to actually "hear" a heartbeat due to the obscene number of ultrasounds I've had, so I'm hoping today is the day! And if all goes well, in just two short weeks we'll get to find out what this little bugger is.

Wish me luck!

One last thing and then I'm moving on...

2007-10-04T12:54:00.000-04:00

My super ahhhsome doctor called Wednesday to check on me, but to also let me know that they did some preliminary testing on the baby we lost and they determined that it did not have a breastbone, and the ribs were not in the right place. So basically it had nothing to protect it's heart and if it would have survived, it would not have had an easy life on the outside. He also briefly mentioned something called Turn.er's Syn.drome and although I only did a little bit of research, I learned that it only affects females and am now beginning to wonder if we indeed lost a girl. Definitely a question I'm going to ask next week. While I'm definitely comforted to know that this was caused by a chromosomal anomaly and not something that I did, it upsets me to know that I'm an now a statistic.

On a totally different note, and one in which probably deserves it's own post but I'm too lazy right now to do that, Ava had her 18 month check up last week. All is well, except the little squirt weighs about the same that she did at 15 months. A whopping 21 pounds. It appears that all the chicken nuggets, french fries, and hot dogs that I've been feeding her have only made her mommy fatter. Not fair indeed.

All joking aside, she's really changing alot and I know that's what they do at this stage, but I just can't get over how much of a person she is. She's really good now at communicating what she wants to us, and she's even better at showing us when she's really pissed off. I can't even list all of her new words because she has about 10 new ones a day. She's starting to interact with the dog alot more, and she now calls him "Harwee" instead of puppa. She frequently shows her disgust with him by pushing him aside, and the other day she even smacked him on the nose screaming "no" at him because he ate her chicken nugget. She looks more and more like her daddy every day and acts more and more like her mommy. And I know we will pay dearly for that later. She's still really not walking much. She can, and we've seen her do it, she just has absolutely no interest in it right now. But give the child a ladder and she will be up it faster than you can scream "shit." Oh, and did you know that she can now climb right on out of her crib? Because she can. I found her playing on the floor the other morning when I went to get her out of bed. Do you think it would be child abuse if I gently handcuffed her to the sides, because I'm not quite ready to put her in the toddler bed, and even if I was I have no idea where the instructions are to change it.

She starts a mother's day out program on Monday and I'm really looking forward to it. I have no idea how she's going to handle it but I'm all about having 4 hours to myself. Can you say toddler free time at the grocery store? Oh I can hear angels singing now. It's going to be nice to put the frozen stuff on the conveyor belt without having to explain why it looks like a mouse got a hold of everything I have. I'm also hoping that it entices her to WALK. She passed her August deadline, and she's a flower girl in a wedding next month and I'll be damned if she doesn't walk down that aisle. I refused to push my 19 month old child in a wagon. Not gonna do it.

I guess that's it. 5 more days until we hopefully get to hear the heartbeat on our other baby. I guess the good news is that since all of this has happened, I have felt 1000 times better. No more headaches, no more backache, no more nausea (for the most part) and my appetite has returned with a vengeance. I guess I should have listened to my body that was telling me something was wrong. Naturally I just didn't want to believe it. And now I'm anxiously, and impatiently waiting for that first kick, a sign that all is well in there.

The Rest of the Story

2007-09-30T20:47:00.000-04:00

What, you thought that was it?? So did I, but apparently my body had/has other plans for me. But before I get to it, I just want to thank everyone for the comments and emails last week. This has been a very tough time for my family and I, and I sincerely appreciate each and every one of you. I'm not usually a sappy person but I was brought to tears several times. I needed it.

Moving on, just so you have been warned, this part gets a tad graphic, if you are the slightest faint of heart you might want to skip this post all together. It's super long and detailed, but it's what happened, and even though I want to put it at the back of my mind, I never want to forget what happened.

So obviously Tuesday was rough, Wednesday was a little better emotionally and then Thursday I woke up with a sense of calm. I just felt better about the situation,and I started to realize that this did happen for a reason, whatever reason that is I'll never know but it happened and I was dealing with it. We knew we were lucky to still have one very special baby. Fast forward to late Thursday night. I still had the bleeding on and off, and I wasn't worried because both Doctors told me that would probably happen for a while. What they didn't prepare me for was what happened next. I woke up at about 3 AM to some mild cramping. Again I wasn't worried as this was something to be expected. Then the cramping got worse, then I noticed a pattern. This wasn't cramping I was having full blown contractions. Not the kind that you generally experience during a full term labor, but they were there, coming every 4 minutes or so and lasting about 30 seconds. I knew I should have called the doctor at that point, but I also kept thinking that if I just laid on my side and drank some water they might go away. They finally did and about 6:00 AM I was able to get comfortable enough to go back to sleep. Somehow my husband slept through this. I woke him up a time or two, but being the man he is he turned right over and went back to sleep.

When I got up again I noticed I had to go to the bathroom (surprise) and this is when it happened. I peed and felt something strange come out, I thought it was some sort of clot, but when I realized that it was not in the toilet but still attached to my body, I knew, I just knew. My baby, my sweet baby was hanging there between my legs. I did not know what to do, I wanted to scream, I wanted to throw up, I wanted to get the scissors and cut it away but I quickly got my senses and yelled for my husband. I told him what I thought had happened, he didn't believe me and I gradually got the courage up to let him take a look. It was indeed our baby. At this point I could only hope it was the one that had already passed away. By looking at it I knew it had to be. I paged my Dr. (thankfully he gave me his pager number earlier because the office was not open yet and I had no way of getting in touch with him, and I really didn't feel like dealing with the on call Dr. at 8:15 in the morning.) and I had to sit there until he called back. I had no idea what to do. He called back about 5 minutes later and wanted us to come to his office right away, but I could tell that he had no idea what to say to me. At this point I had no idea how were going to do this. So I put on a hefty pad, laid a washcloth in my underwear and gently placed the baby in a place where I would not sit on it. I had to touch it, and I can't even describe it. I don't want to. I don't want to think about that very moment ever again, but I know I will because it is forever etched into my mind. It was the most uncomfortable and nauseating car ride I have ever had in my life. We couldn't get there fast enough.

By the time we did I started to get undressed and it came loose, so I gently left it on the washcloth, laid a paper towel over it and sat on the chair and waited. I know we weren't in there for that long but it seemed like forever. My Dr. came in told me how sorry he was that I had to witness that, gave me a big hug and then got to work. He wanted to make sure I wasn't dilated, so after probing and prodding he determined that if I had dilated over night, I wasn't anymore. Good sign, good sign. He then got out the ultrasound machine and proceeded to do the uncomfortable kind to double check the status of my cervix and the status of Baby A. At this point I was going through my 6th, yep 6th ultrasound. My insurance company loves me I'm sure. The first thing we see is no movement from my good baby. Although the last two times I've seen this baby on screen it's been active as hell, he reassures me and tells me not to worry. Babies do rest sometimes. All I see is the baby laying in the same position that Baby B was in on Tuesday. He doesn't see an immediate heartbeat. I looked at him with tears and my eyes said "it's over isn't it,", my husband said nothing, and the doctor kept saying "this isn't supposed to happen this way, this isn't supposed to happen." And then silence, more prodding, and as I'm closing my eyes I hear him say "hold on, hold on, hold on. There's heart motion right there." And at that point I saw the most beautiful thing, heart motion and hands moving.

So, as of right now my little fighter is holding strong. I go back in a week for my 16 week checkup and hopefully we will hear a heartbeat at that point and we can move on. Until then I can only keep praying that things will work out.

I just wish someone would have prepared me for that. No one, NO ONE should have to go through what I went through. I do however think that it has helped me put some closure on that situation. I was able to see, and touch the baby that I was lucky enough to have for 14 weeks. I was able to see it's head, eyes, ears, legs, arms and even butt. It had the cutest little butt. I say it because I was not willing to look and see what the sex was. It didn't matter to me anyways. All I know is we have one strong healthy fighter left, and we will never forget the one that left us too soon. I know that he/she is up watching us and taking care of us. Right now that seems to be the glue that is holding me together.

The one that I never wanted to have to write

2007-09-25T20:38:00.000-04:00

Well I thought I probably better give an update. I want to thank everyone who has sent good thoughts, they don't go unnoticed and I am going to need all I can get over the next few weeks. I've tried to make this as coherent as possible, so if it's jumbled or doesn't make sense, I'm sure you will understand.

The bleeding was off and on, just when it would stop it would start again heavier than it did before, so I called the doctor and went on in this afternoon. I kept telling myself that this was probably nothing to worry about, everything would be okay, just a little bleeding...crazy placenta placement or something. So I get there and he gets out the ultrasound machine and told me I get the award for most photographed unborn baby. This was going to be my 4th ultrasound after all. So things get going and "baby A" was moving, not as much as last time but enough to put my heart at ease. Then he gets to "baby B" and there was no movement. No worries he tells me, baby could just be taking a break. After searching for 5 of the longest minutes of my life, he can't locate the heartbeat. Says his machine isn't that detailed and he couldn't get the right angle. I should have known at this point I should be concerned. He also did the agonizing cervical check, no dilation so that's was a good sign. But he decides at this point to send me down to the Perinatal Diagnostic Center where they specialize in high risk pregnancies, and they have better equipment and can get better views and measurements there. So I go down there and wait, and wait, I think probably an hour went by before they finally called me back. I should have been smart at this time and called Matthew to come and be with me, but I still kept telling myself that everything was going to be OK.

I'm starting a new paragraph because this is going to be long. So the tech finally gets started. Not a super friendly lady for sure, and not one for talking. I always try to lighten the mood when things are tense and she just kept on doing what she was doing. She waves the wand over both babies, stops on the second one for a second and starts immediately going back and getting "baby A's" measurements. From what I could tell everything looked great there. Then the doctor came in and said something and left, and she ran out of the room after him. At this point, I knew. I just knew. The doctor finally comes in a little later and they go over all of "baby A's" measurements and it's actually measuring 14 weeks 6 days so 3 days ahead of where my last ultrasound said. I am taking this as a good sign. Then he politely, but honestly tells me that the reason they couldn't find a heartbeat on the second baby upstairs is that because there isn't one. He tells me he has no explanation other than there was probably something wrong chromasomally. By looking at the baby he saw no outward abnormalities. He also told me that although it is not uncommon, it was a little unusual for a twin to be lost in the second trimester. I know that it's not uncommon, and I knew that I was a greater risk because of there being 2, but I really thought once we hit 12 weeks we were in the clear. At this moment he also tells me that while baby A looks great, we're not out of the woods yet and I still could possibly lose that one too. I felt so alone. I had no one there to tell me it was going to be okay, just the doctor and the tech and all of their technical words. All I wanted to do was cry but I put on my brave face. I could see my lifeless baby just laying there, and while it was so hard for me to see, it looked so peaceful. Because I am still pregnant with another they will not be able to tell me what happened. They can't do a D & C so no tests can be run. They wouldn't even tell me when it died, and I should have asked if it was a boy or a girl but I just couldn't stomach that. My biggest fear had just been confirmed to me and I had no idea how to react. I literally felt like I had been kicked in the face and all I kept thinking was how hard the last 10 weeks have been on me physically and it was not fair to take this away from me. I mean just TWO weeks ago I saw this same lifeless body bouncing all over the place. And naturally any mother's first instinct is to blame them self. What did I do wrong, how could I have changed this and the bottom line is I did nothing wrong. Or so he says. He claims that if I had done something wrong both would have suffered and since the other was thriving he is convinced it was chromosomal. I know it's for the best, and as much as I hate the phrase right now I know this had a purpose behind it. Maybe one had to die so the other could make it, but not knowing is the hardest part.

I finally got out of there, found the nearest bench and lost it. I cried so hard I could barely catch my breath. I had to wait for 15 minutes to call Matthew, I did pretty good on the phone call to him but I lost it when I called my mom. Is it sad that I wanted to see her more than Matthew at the time?? But I just couldn't see anyone. I asked her if she could keep Ava for one more night and of course they said yes.

I don't want her to see mommy so upset. She has been going up to the u/s pics on the refrigerator and points and says baby! And when I ask her how many she says "two" while holding up two fingers. I just can't do that right now. And all I want to do is hold her and kiss her, but right now it's best for her to be around happy people, and mommy and daddy are just not happy right now.

I go back to my OB in 2 weeks and the perinatal for another ultrasound in 4 weeks, so please keep us in your thoughts. It's going to be a rough couple of weeks until we get through this. As I'm typing this, I'm starting to feel the onset of the cramping and contracting, something I never wished would happen. I can only pray that our remaining baby is strong enough to survive this, because right now I don't know that I am.

The one where I bitch a little - Updated

2007-09-23T19:55:00.000-04:00

Because honestly, I don't have much of anything positive to say. I've been in a never ending whirlwind of something new, and I just want a break from it all.

1. I'm tired of cleaning up dog shit. I could remedy that by taking the dog to the vet but that would constitute taking a shower and leaving the house.
2. I'm tired of listening to my husband bitch because he doesn't have any clean socks or underwear. He's 38, knows where the washing machine is, he isn't pregnant and is more than capable of doing his own laundry.
3. I'm also tired of husband bitching because I might have "accidentally" forgotten to check his dress pants pocket and missed a tube of chap stick that has now ruined them. The only thing I check pants for is money. Again, old enough and plenty capable of washing them himself.
4. I'm tired of feeling like my head is going to implode on itself every time I move.
5. I'm tired of coughing every 2 - 3 minutes which also makes head feel like it's going to implode.
6. I'm tired of taking pills to relieve the things that ail me.
7. I'm tired of gagging every time I take a pill.
8. I'm tired of feeling inadequate as a mother because I just don't have the energy to do the things I need to do with her.
9. I'm tired of leaving it up to my parents to take her because I never know when Matthew is going to be home.
10. I'm tired of cancelling play dates, and walks and doing things I want to do just because that would entail taking a shower and that just takes too much energy.
11. I'm tired of having no appetite. Eating has become as stressful for me as being a mom. I'm having a harder time eating now then when I was in the throes of morning sickness (which still hasn't COMPLETELY gone away either)
12. I'm tired of taking out my frustrations on everyone and everything around me. It's not fair for my husband, child and dog to suffer just because I am.
13. I'm tired of complaining but that's all I feel like I doing.
14. I'm tired of my house being a mess. (I know, I know...it's a minor thing but I'm a neat freak.)
15. I'm tired of listening to my husband bitch about the kitty litter that's on the floor. AGAIN, big boy knows where the vacuum is and is perfectly capable of doing it himself. I am after all the one who is cleaning the litter box out even though I'm not supposed to and he knows that.
16. I'm tired of getting an average of 5 hours of sleep a night. Yes, I'm fully aware that you aren't supposed to sleep good during pregnancy but at this point I should be at least comfortable enough to get some good hours. Not so much. I think the same person who hit me in the head with a sledgehammer must have thought it would be funny to hit me in the back too.
17. I'm tired of listening to my husband complain about having a sore neck because he needs a new pillow. Bite me, seriously, bite me.
18. I'm tired of crying at the drop of a pin. Damn hormones are sending me over the edge this time.

Ok I'm done bitching. And before you start thinking that my husband is an awful person, he's not. He's really not. He works really hard so that I don't have to, and I love him with all my heart for that. He also has a son that needs his attention just as much as we do. He just seems to be an easy target to take this out on. I read so many blogs where the husband is so hands on, and is a great dad and I'm not saying that Matthew isn't, he's just not around as much as I would like and about 90% of the time I feel like I'm raising her alone. Most weekends are spent doing things with his 13 year old son, and alot of nights he gets home late due to business meetings. So I am home with her alot, and that's why I send her off to my parents to spend the night so much because right now I just can't handle her by myself all the time. Tonight I cried when my dad said he was bringing her home because I was secretly hoping that she could stay one more night. How awful of a mom does that make me????

Secondly, I'm probably really emotional right now too because I started bleeding Friday night. Not heavy, and nothing that seems to be of any concern right now, but nevertheless when I noticed it Friday night it scared the shit out of me and I got about 0 hours of sleep. Per Dr's orders I am supposed to wear pads to track the amount, call them back if it gets heavy like a period or start cramping and do AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE. Now someone tell me how that's going to happen when I'm home alone with my child???? Matthew knows all of this too and I guess he's not as worried as me. Every little twinge I feel down there freaks me out, and all of a sudden in my head my brain is telling me that no appetite probably means I'm not pregnant anymore. I know, I know...things would be happening if that were the case. Right now I would give anything for a flutter, kick, anything to let me know that things are OK. I'm thinking he's probably going to call me tomorrow to come in, and if he does it will be the greatest thing to peak my mood, and if he doesn't I might just call them because I can't wait another two weeks to see what's going on.

So that's it for now. I promise the next post will be upbeat because I've been nominated by two lovely ladies for two special awards and I want to thank them for that.

**As of this morning, the bleeding appears to have stopped. Apparently the bitching gods were listening last night and decided to grant me some wishes because my neverending headache is a little better too. And it's taken me almost 30 minutes to eat a biscuit so I see all of that as a good sign. I called and left a message for the nurse at the Drs office letting her know things were better, so they may or may not want me to come in. And I THINK, THINK I might have felt a small flutter this morning when I was laying in bed. I'm sure it was probably a gas bubble because it's still sort of early, but hey a girl can dream right?? **

Attitude

2007-09-18T20:20:00.000-04:00

Not much of a post, just something that I have to document.

Tonight Matthew did his nightly ritual of trying to get Ava to walk to him, the child just won't have any of it. He looked at her and told her that her baby brothers/baby sisters will be walking before she will.

Wanna know what she said? With her hand near her mouth and a smirk on her face, she uttered the word "whatever."

God she's more like me everyday.

Brainfart = No title

2007-09-13T21:48:00.000-04:00

I have been nominated for an award!! YAY, and that's next on my list, but I gotta get this out, because it's been one of those days.

First off, I feel like shit. Total and utter crap. Not the pukey kind, that's gone, the kind in the form of never ending snot, sneezing every 10 or so minutes, throat that feels like sandpaper kind of shit. And the one crappy thing about being pregnant is that I can't load myself up on Ny.Quil and other comatose causing drugs that I like to take. Am left with a choice of Bena.dryl (which I clearly have a tolerance for now), Sud.afed, which makes me jittery and a few other things I can't even remember. So you can imagine that since I got about 2 hours of sleep between the coughing, sneezing, stuffy head, fever that I COULD NOT REST without medicine, I was in rare form today.

So I had planned to go to the mall today to get something to wear for a wedding I'm going to tomorrow. Let's face it, things aren't fitting so hot these days. Too big to wear normal clothes, too small for maternity clothes. So I am going to try again to hit the mall tomorrow, and if I don't make it out, then I'm gonna throw on my Spa.nx and put on a little black dress that I have. I can already tell you what it's going to look like, and it won't be pretty.

Second of all, my house has been smelling like shit for about 3 days. Literally. I kept looking in corners, under things, anywhere thinking one of the pets, or even Ava had left me a little present somewhere. But even I am smart enough to know that the smell of pet shit does go away after a while. This was clearly getting worse. This afternoon my dad came to cut bushes and help weed my landscaping. I am not an outside gal, I don't mow, I don't weed, I don't plant flowers, in fact I'm pretty good at killing things. But my dad loves that crap so he came out to help. So as we walk in the house I mention to him about the smell, and it was at about this time that I slipped in something and almost fell on my ass. Yep you guessed it, my super awesome dog was at it again. Shit...all over my shoes, and now all over the floor. So my dad gets a plastic bag and starts helping me pick it up when he misses a spot and steps in it. So now we have dog shit tracked all over my kitchen floor. Nice. I swear my dog is trained. Won't pee in the house if I left him alone for 12 hours, but leave him alone for an hour? And he shits everywhere.

So that was still not the root of the smell. Matthew and I came home from dinner tonight, he went to the basement to go to the bathroom, and I went to the one upstairs (pregnant women = need to pee every 15 minutes). He starts screaming at me, I go downstairs, and there's sewer, and shit literally spraying all over our walls. We are on a septic system where I live, not sewer, so I guess maybe it's full??? I don't know, all I know is the room where the pump is now covered in icky brown goo, and who wants to bet that after we have someone come out and fix it I'll be the one on my hands and knees cleaning it up. And now I've been told by my husband that until we have someone come out here, no flushing toilets, no running water, etc. Gonna be an interesting day and night indeed. I thought moving into a new house meant that we wouldn't have problems like this. Big fat wrongo. In the 3 months we've been here, we've had a leaky toilet that ran into the basement, a broken air conditioner, and now shit flying on the walls.

So I'm off to try to medicate myself in any way possible. My gracious parents offered to keep Miss Priss tonight so I can catch some zzz's, or snot, or whatever.

Sweet Relief

2007-09-11T20:45:00.000-04:00

Today has been a really good day. Not only have I NOT felt like I was going to throw up, but all of my fears were quickly calmed after a good visit at the doctor. You gotta love my doctor. As soon as he opens the door and sees Matthew and I sitting there, he just starts giggling. It's as if he knows exactly how to break the ice.

I was fully expecting the Doppler today to hear the heartbeats, but we got to do better than that. He decided that since Matthew was with me today, he wanted to take a "peak" inside and check. This delighted me, and also scared the living shit out of me. Any of you that have children can probably relate that until you hear that heartbeat for the very first time, there is a small part of you that thinks that something could be wrong. And with me carrying twins, the chances automatically go up. And it probably doesn't help that I've spent countless hours on Dr. Google this week making me think things could be really bad. But to our delight, these babies decided that this afternoon was a great time to put on a show. They were not only moving, they were bouncing all over the place. It's as if they were using my uterus as their own personal trampoline. Both of them, moving, heartbeats going strong. I've never been so happy and relieved. It's just so bizarre to look and see what's going on INSIDE of you, especially since they are still so small but so active, yet you can't feel a thing. Matthew was beside himself. We saw faces, legs, arms flailing, really just a beautiful site. So right now all is good. We go back in 4 weeks but we probably will NOT find out the sex until 20 weeks. Totally bummed, but I'll survive.

On a totally unrelated note, Ava got a baby doll many many months ago, and until today has not so much as peeked in it's direction. Today on the other hand, has been carrying that thing all over, saying baby, baby, baby, giving me the baby and them crawling up on my lap. I just wonder if she suspects something is up?????

Ticker

2007-09-08T10:41:00.001-04:00

Does everyone see my ticker? Do ya, do ya?? See how it says I'm 12 weeks? Does that mean that this hell that they call the first trimester is coming to an end?? Lord I hope so.

My next appointment is Tuesday, and I am literally counting down the hours. I'm telling myself that all is well, but as you know nothing is as great as hearing that hearbeat, or heartbeats for the very first time. I probably won't sleep much until then.

I promise I do have a worthy post to write, but since no one's around on the weekends I know you can wait until Monday to read it.

Oh and I have the funniest video of Ava to put on, but lo and hehold Blogger is being a pain in the ass and it won't upload, so maybe I'll save that for a rainy day.

17 months, and pictures for your viewing pleasure

2007-08-31T21:10:00.000-04:00

So my little precious Ava turned 17 months on Monday, so I'm a few days late getting to this. As usual this one is more for me than you, cuz I'd rather type than write in the baby book. And it's easier to type and eat popcorn than it is to write and eat popcorn.

This child is seriously wearing me out, but at the same time I'm having a total blast watching her change and grow on a daily basis. I swear to you she can crawl faster than some kids walk. Her knees are constantly black and calloused and I'm just waiting for her to literally just get up and run from me. Skip walking, go straight to running, do not pass GO, do not collect any money. But bless her heart she is TRYING so hard to walk. She just can't get the right balance and it frustrates her to no end. She stands up tries to take a step and then just falls down in a fit of tears, and it totally breaks my heart. So in an effort we do lots of finger walking, and she seems okay with that.

Vocally? She's a pro. Yep I'm gonna brag a bit. The child has over 30 words, too many that I honestly can't even count them all. New ones this month are below. And she actually knows what she's talking about when she says them, or at least I think she does.

Shoe
Socks
Toe (says it while she takes a grab at my big toe)
Too bash (tooth brush)
Dink (drink)
Keys (obsessively points to key rack and yells until I give her the exact ones she wants)
Ban-tet (blanket - she has two that MUST go with us everywhere)
Pre-tty (sounds just like that, two very pronounced syllables. Points to herself in the mirror and says it, no idea where she learned that one)
Cute (pronounced more like cuuuuute - again, repeated when glancing at self in mirror, also repeated anytime I pull clothes out of her closet)
Too-tie (cookie - the person who taught her this needs to be punished. She's not stupid, she knows the difference between a cookie and a cracker.)
Mom (not really a new word, but I'm no longer mama. I'm flat out mom. Sounds so weird coming from a toddler)
Please and thank you (peas and dank ou - I'll take what I can get)

I think that's it, she's very good at repeating after us, but these are daily words around here.

I know I've mentioned it before but the child can and will climb on anything. Evidence below. And these are bar stools, so technically a little taller than a normal chair, and yes I took away the hand sanitizer from her before she could eat it.

She's a pro at undressing herself:

She has great organization skills (I did have this drawer insanely organized. You can see that she definitely does not have my OCD problem)

And she loves to get herself in challenging and difficult positions. Any one else think she needs to start some sort of gymnastics??

I just love this child more and more each day, and the thought of sharing her and not being able to focus all my time on her is terrifying and overwhelming. But there will also be a day when I look over and she's desperately trying to teach the twins something new, and I know my heart will burst with pride.

As for me, the past two days have been a nightmare. Everytime I think that I'm getting over this pukey crap, I have a setback. Yeah I know I'm "technically" still in the first trimester, and the second one can't come soon enough. I guess deep down I'm thankful that I'm feeling bad, because most of my other symptoms have all but gone away. Except for the peeing...every hour, which keeps me from sleeping which in turn makes me a bitter hag. I feel like a pill factory. I'm taking 2 Zo.fran a day, Tu.ms after almost every meal, and at night I'm usually taking Bena.dryl and a few times I've even taken Dram.amine. I can't sleep without them. When I was pregnant with Ava I think I took Tyl.enol MAYBE 2 times the entire pregnancy and that was it. I just can't do it this time. IAnd I'm praying that even though what I'm taking is considered safe, that my babies are able to come out alright. Oh and I'm also only taking Flinst.one Vitamins at this point. My doctor said it was okay, even though I still feel like I'm cheating myself. But they taste a heck of a lot better than regurgitated prenatals. Trust me.

Knocking on Wood

2007-08-26T17:34:00.000-04:00

Oh I'm knocking hard today. I have felt better today than I have the whole pregnancy. The last week as a whole has been pretty good with a few bad moments here and there, but I am desperately hoping this is the beginning of the end of the morning/noon/night/wee hours sickness. I should have known I was feeling better as my shopping bill this morning was well over $200. OUCH. And knowing the way I have been eating lately, that won't last me the week.

So just for my record, here's the latest on my cravings. I didn't really have any with Ava, I craved everything and that was that.

Chili dogs
Orange juice - oh sweet, sweet orange juice. I'm not usually a big fan, probably haven't bought any in 3 years.
Smart.food White Cheddar Popcorn - as evidence I have already eaten the entire bag, which consisted of a whopping 60 grams of fat.
Little De.bbie Snacks - any of them, all of them. Anything with chocolate is good, with chocolate and peanut butter even better!

At least the OJ is healthy right, RIGHT????

Hurricane Ava

2007-08-23T15:35:00.001-04:00

Please tell me that your playrooms/areas look like this. Maybe it's just my OCD but this drives me bonkers. I've given up straightening every day. And the poor child slips and falls all the time. The purpose of the letter mat was to give her something to play on, but of course she has more fun tearing everything apart!

The office visit that forever changed our lives

2007-08-20T20:20:00.000-04:00

Okay I have about 5 minutes to get this post out or I'll be forced for the umpteenth (is that a word??) time to pick up all the rocks that the she child has taken out of the fireplace and thrown on the floor.

Obviously you all now know the news. Wanna know something else? Did ya know that it's only a 1 in 80 chance of conceiving twins naturally, and it doesn't have to run in your family to do so?? Because I didn't. Just some information that they might want to throw out there.

So as you know I already had an ultrasound at 6 weeks when I went in to complain about how crappy I had been feeling. My doctor had mentioned at that appointment that he might want to take another look at 8 weeks, just to get a better idea of size, date etc. But honestly I didn't really think I'd have another one until 20 weeks. But here's one thing about my doctor. He's VERY conservative when it comes to ultrasounds. When I was pregnant with Ava, they weren't able to give me a 100% positive ID on the gender, so he kept telling me that he would order another one, blah blah blah and it never happened, so I was honestly shocked when he came in last week and was very adamant about having another one. He even offered to call the insurance company and talk to them if they had a problem with it. I should have known right then and there that he was looking for something. Apparently he must have seen two at the 6 week mark but refrained from saying anything to me until he could be sure everything was okay.

So I'm laying there all exposed, and as soon as that wand went in I saw something different than the last time, but of course I had no idea about the shock that I was about to receive. Basically the conversation went like this:

Dr: (while patting me on the leg and giving me a shit eating grin) I just need you to take lots of deep breaths and relax.

Me: Umm, okay is there something wrong? You're kinda freaking me out.

A couple clicks of the buttons and a loooong pause

Dr: First baby looks great!

Me: Excuse me, first baby?? There's only supposed to be one!

Dr: You didn't know you were having twins? Chuckle, chuckle

Me: That's not possible! They don't run in either of our families. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my GAWD.

Dr: Well it's only a 1 in 80 chance that couples conceive twins naturally. It doesn't have to run in the family. How's that for a surprise pregnancy!

Me: Holy shit! I guess it's a good thing my husband didn't make it to the appointment with me today. You all would have had to wheel him out of here on a stretcher.

Dr: I think it's a pretty good idea if you go home and make him a stiff drink.

Yep I totally said holy shit in front of my Dr. and his nurse. It's a good thing I already have a pretty good relationship with him. I've never seen him smile or laugh so much. I'm glad I could amuse him so much.

So as of last Tuesday one measured 8 weeks 2 days, and the other 8 weeks 3 days so apparently that's great. I don't go back until next month and I'm going to be a nervous wreck until then. As of right now my due date is March 22, but his goal is to get me to 36 weeks so these babies will probably be here in February and not March. I have so many emotions going on right now. I'm TERRIFIED, I'm excited, I'm nervous, I cry almost every day wondering how in the world I'm going to handle this. How are we going to afford 3 children in college at the same time or 3 weddings if these are 2 girls. How am I going to have the energy and the time to take care of Ava when these babies will demand my every moment. I'm so scared that she will get/feel left out, and I NEVER for a minute want her to think that I love them more than her. She is my baby, my first born, and she has a place in my heart that can never be replaced. On the flip side I'm so excited to see her as a big sister, to see all three of these children grow up together, to watch them fight, to watch them laugh and cry together. Everyone around me thinks it is the coolest thing, and some of them have even told me they are jealous. It is cool. I mean not alot of people get to go through what I am getting ready to go through. I just have to pray and know that this happened for a reason. I almost think that this is God's way of giving back to my parents, who struggled with infertility for 6 years before they gave up and decided on adoption. This is his way of taking care of them, because they have done the best humanly job of taking care of me. I'm so excited that I'm able to give them their first, and possibly only grandchildren. And in the end I know it will be okay. We have a new house with plenty of room, and plenty of love to give. And I possibly have the greatest family in the world to help out. My parents are already talking about slumber parties with all three.

In other news, Ava's still not walking, but lord is so close it drives me crazy. And she crawls on anything/everything, and is becoming more of a handful every day. Her vocabulary is exploding, she repeats almost everything that we say to her, single words of course, and is getting better about telling us what she wants. We have to keep her clothed at all times, because she knows how to get the diaper off, and I have been known to find little presents through out the house. She laughs all the time, loves music and will dance and bop her head for hours if we let her. She has been really clingy lately, I'm sure it's probably because she senses something's different with me. Let's face it. She's basically getting whatever she wants, primarily because right now I'm too exhausted and sick to deal with her tantrums. I'm doing the best I can, and I know it will come back to bite me in the ass one day, but right now I just can't handle listening to the constant whining. I know it will get better and I'm counting down the days until I make it into the second trimester. I'm a creature of routine and it has been shot to shit the last few weeks. I'm behind on everything. But that's trivial, and I don't need to worry about the little stuff right now.

Wow that was alot longer than I intended it to be!

Wordless Wednesday a day early...it justifies itself

2007-08-14T09:03:00.000-04:00

Wordless Wednesday

2007-08-08T17:08:00.001-04:00

Apparently Mr. Sippy cup's lid was not on tight enough. And I have no idea how that kleenex got in there...

Mumbo Jumbo

2007-08-07T20:58:00.000-04:00

I had no idea it had been almost 2 weeks since I posted, it's probably been the longest 2 weeks of my life. This pregnancy is literally kicking my ass, but the good news is that it seems to be getting a little better, and the only way to go from here is up. This post is probably going to be a jumbled mess of thoughts, but that's about the best I got for now.

I started on the Phene.gren on July, 20 almost immediately after I found out I was pregnant. I realized pretty quickly that it wasn't helping, in fact it felt like it was making me feel worse. I suffered on that for a week until I called back, and all but begged for something else. They called in Zofr.an, which I now must recognize as the greatest drug on earth. Seriously. It's $50 a pill and if my insurance wouldn't have paid for it, I would have. I didn't care what the cost, I just wanted to feel normal, or halfway normal. I wanted to be able to hold, feed, change, and play with my daughter without feeling like I constantly needed to run to the bathroom. The feeling was constant. I was miserable from the time my feet hit the floor until I actually fell asleep at night. I didn't want to have to medicate myself during pregnancy, especially during the first trimester but I literally didn't think I would make it without it. Alot of it has to do with my anxiety disorder, which I'll go into at a later date, and they say that if the benefits of taking medication outweigh the risks, then do it. The first day on the new medicine was unbelievable. I couldn't believe the difference. Then the second day hit, July 29, and I don't know if I just had an off day or what, but that was the worse day I've had so far. I almost passed out, literally, and it scared the living crap out of me. And more so because one of my episodes happened in the car, on the way home from church with Ava in the backseat. Somehow, by the shear grace of God I made it through the day and I called the doctor first thing Monday morning. By this point I was feeling alot better, but they wanted to schedule me for an early appointment anyways. So, on Tuesday of that week I went in, talked to the doc about everything that has been going on. I was prescribed enough Zof.ran to last 6 months, and a new prenatal, Premesis. That in itself has helped wonders too. the good thing, it's not a horse pill like most of them are. He also went ahead and did an ultrasound just to be safe, and I got a glimpse, albeit small, of my new baby and for a minute all was right again. According to that my due date is March 25, but I have to go back next Tuesday for another ultrasound and I think at that point they will change it. He's basing that on a conception date of July 2 , and it didn't happen then. I can guarantee it.

I had also forgotten how much you have to eat. I never thought I would say this but I am so.sick.of.eating. The difference this time is that I crave nothing, and have aversions to everything. Nothing ever sounds good, and if it does I usually put the food in my mouth, chew a few bites and promptly spit it out. I did not have that problem when I was pregnant with Ava. I ate everything, and I wanted to eat everything. This time I'm eating out of necessity, not out of want. But I know I have to keep food in this belly to keep the nausea at bay. I've eaten a shit ton of Popsicles, and popcorn. I'm really trying to eat healthy, but at the same time right now I'm just eating what I think will stay down. So far so good. But sometimes it is a struggle. Nights are worse than mornings, which is also interfering with my much needed sleep.

Matthew and my parents have been absolute life savers, especially during my really bad week. I literally couldn't get off my butt that week except to eat and go to the bathroom. I didn't even leave the house. I think I showered but how many times, I have no idea. I know I have done alot of bitching over the last three weeks, and god bless them for doing whatever I needed them to do without saying a word.

I know that I still have a long way to go, but just seeing our little blob on the screen last week makes it more than worth it And I know I can get through it. I may just bitch along the way.

Blogger Award

2007-07-25T17:57:00.001-04:00

I have been nominated but not one, but two young ladies for the Rockin Blogger Award, and I promise to get my post together with my nominations as soon as I can. Thank you Connie and Whitney for the honor! (I'm too lazy right now to insert links)

I am currently holed up on the couch, trying not to move unless absolutely necessary. I do not remember feeling this bad at all when I was pregnant with Ava. I managed to get Phenergen from the Dr., but I'm either really sick this time or it doesn't work on me like it used to. It's keeping me from throwing up, but not keeping me from feeling like I'm gonna. My poor child is suffering too from the lack of attention from mama. I feel horrible, so to make it up to her I'm letting her watch hours and hours of Dora, The Backyardigans, Blue's Clues, anyhing so I can sneak in a few extra moments where I don't have to move and chase after her. And yesterday?? The dog pooped on the floor and I just left it there for a while. Gross, I know. But I thought I had less of a chance from throwing up if it at least had hardened a bit.

When I was pregnant with Ava, I was sick to my stomach alot, but as soon as I ate I was fine, and I ate ALOT. Hence the enormous weight gain. Now, no food is safe, no food tastes good, and if I make a wrong decision in a food choice I end up paying for it dearly for the rest of the afternoon. Today's culprit - Lemonade from Chick - Fil - A.

Be back ASAP...

The Fun Begins

2007-07-20T21:59:00.000-04:00

The following things have made me gag today:

1. The smell of my dog's breath (although on a given day I would gag but today was especially worse)
2. The smell of my deodorant. But I'd rather smell and gag at my deodorant than the smell that would occur if I didn't wear any.
3. My daughter's sippy cup. I thought it had water in it, but forgot that it was water mixed with pear juice. It took me a while to get over that one.
4. A dryer sheet.
5. The first bite I took of my potato soup from Rafferty's. Normally a favorite of mine, but the first bite had a big piece of bacon fat in it and from there it was history.

So things seem to be moving right along. My vitamin seems to be the main source of my problem right now. I had them a while ago, but I hadn't started taking them until this week and this old body of mine isn't tolerating it. I'm giving it a week before I try something else.

U/S set for August 8th, so I hope to know alot more then.

Part 2: The Irony of it All

2007-07-19T20:15:00.000-04:00

Before I go any further, I hope that you all don't think that this is something I didn't want. It is, it always has been, it's just the manner and the timing threw me way off. Although I shouldn't have been too surprised. I mean I haven't been on the pill since January and any time the fornicating (yep I really did use that word) happens you run the risk, and for us it wasn't a risk, it was something we wanted. The problem is that the fornicating happens few and far between here right now, and we had discussed "trying" starting in September. And by "trying" I mean ovulation kits and counting cycle days, calls to home for a lunch meeting and whatnot. I even had called Matthew earlier in the day to ask him the last time it happened because it felt like it had been forever. In fact it last happened the day after I got off my period. I was always under the impression that most women ovulated between 12 - 14 days after their period, and while this is true, I am now living proof that it also can happen at ANY time.

So let me back up. On Saturday of last week I noticed I wasn't feeling all that hot. No big deal, it was time for me to start and I usually feel pretty crappy right before hand anyways. Then Sunday came, Monday, then Tuesday and I started thinking that I was late. I'm NEVER late. Even when I'm off the pill my cycle is like clockwork. On Wednesday I decided to go ahead and take a test after something that happened at lunch. All of a sudden I got a wave of nausea, and all I could smell was milk, and there was no milk in sight. I'm sure you think I'm crazy but the last time I was pregnant my scent was heightened to a degree I didn't know existed. Anything that remotely had a strong smell had to leave the house. Walking past Bath and Body Works would almost send me running straight for the bathroom. So I had to run out to the store to get some other things anyways and decided to pick some up. If nothing else, I would have some for later months. I came home, decided then was as good a time as any to pee on the stick, Ava was happily watching Baby Einstein so I did it. I fully expected for it to skip over the first line and go straight to the not pregnant line. Not only did it not do that, the pregnancy line popped up in less than 30 seconds. My jaw hit the floor, I started shaking, crying and immediately ran to call Matthew who is in Florida for the week. He, like I, was shocked but I could tell from the sound of his voice he was happy and wanted to be here with me, not in Florida where he was.

And now that I have you on the edge of your seat, here comes the most ironic part. It was 2 years ago yesterday...to the day...that I found out I was pregnant with Ava. That is the part that got me. It is going to continue to blow my mind. Of course when I found out I was pregnant with Ava I hadn't even missed a period yet, I was like a kid in a candy store dying to know if it I was. So by all accounts, hoping that things go well, this baby will be here sometime around March 24, 2008. My birthday is March 23, and Ava's is March 27, so it looks like we will have our hands full with birthdays but how much fun will that be! I go to the doctor next month for an U/S so I'll have a better due date then. And who knows, if it's another girl we will have everything we need. And if it's a boy, then I'll have even more fun shopping all over again!

We have decided to keep this a secret for right now except for a few people (and the entire internet of course). I am dying to tell my parents but I want to wait until Matthew gets home on Sunday so we can do it together. I'm waiting to tell my close circle of friends, because one of them suffered a miscarriage last week and now is just not the time to talk about it with her. I did however go to the pool with another friend of mine today who secretly told me she's pregnant, so I went ahead and told her about me. It will be fun to have a friend here to be pregnant with. But she's also friends with the other girl so we were in agreement that this will be our secret for now. She's taking the miscarriage very hard.

Now that I've had time for it to set in, I'm excited, this baby is very much wanted and will be loved unconditionally. And although it is coming sooner that I had expected, I feel very fortunate that I am able to experience this journey again. I feel blessed that this is the next challenge that God has granted us, and that just means I will be able to hold this baby a few months sooner than I had ever dreamed. And I absolutely CANNOT wait to see Ava as a big sister.

So hop on board, this is sure to be a wild ride.

Wordless Wednesday

2007-07-18T21:09:00.000-04:00

Details to follow in another post, as I'm trying to digest what has just happened...

To all my ladies...

2007-07-10T22:20:00.000-04:00

**Note, this post was written under the influence of one too many fruity drinks during neighborhood Girls Night Out "luau night." And it's only going to be pictures, so don't be alarmed.

Just pretend that it was written by the dog.

"I've been lei ed ladies, who's next in line for this premium doghood? I bow (beg) thee to give me a chance."

Strong tall build, chestnut skin, beautiful eyes, huge ears and enough slobber to fill a gallon bucket, searching for someone to spend long romantic snoring filled naps, cat poop lunches and and dead fish rolls in the grass.

The cat already knows his trickery and is so over it. Upon seeing the specimen she has withdrawn her application without hesitation.

Nighty night!!

How do you spell tired

2007-07-09T22:07:00.000-04:00

Come spend another weekend like last weekend with me and you'll understand. This is going to be bulleted, because I've sat here for an hour now, and have purposely deleted 3 posts because they weren't that interesting, and frankly they didn't make much sense. Not that this one does, so you get my point.

Thursday night - 8:30 PM and all is quiet in the house.

10:00 PM - Screaming ensues. Screaming lasts well until after midnight, when copious amounts of Tyle.nol have been allowed to take effect. Screaming baby now decides she feels well enough to play, but has no interest in sleeping. Great.

2:00 AM - Baby finally decides it's okay to let mom sleep, but will only do so if mom rocks baby for a half an hour until mom falls asleep before baby does. Baby promptly wakes mom up by poking her in the eye. The rocking continues and baby does unwillingly give in.

7:00 AM - Baby is awake at the crack ass of dawn, as if the previous night never happened.

10:00 AM - Mom realizes she must have turned off the baby monitor after hearing baby wake and screams because she is a horrible mother for leaving said baby in crib for so long. Checks on baby, baby is back asleep.

Rest of Friday is normal. Do shopping, put baby down for nap, start making dinner (not normal) as 12 people coming for dinner Friday night.

7:00 PM - People show up, people drink, people eat, people spill shit all over freshly mopped floors.

3:00 AM - Mama trying to sleep as baby will no doubt give another early wake up call, boys still playing pool and pool table is in the basement right under bedroom. Realize it's too late to take an Am.bien, or anything to sleep for that matter.

7:30 AM - Frantic words of "mama" heard from monitor. Mama reluctantly and very slowly walks to baby's room. Fresh aroma of poop, britches have exploded. It's going to be a swell day.

9:30 AM - Drop dog off at the kennel, drop baby off at grandparents, come home, scrub the house from the night before and somehow manage to sneak in an hour nap.

2:00 PM - Phone rings. Great Uncle has died, funeral is Sunday, mom and dad will keep baby but means plans of sleeping in totally uninterrupted for Sunday have now bombed. But that's okay. Being with family much more important.

6:00 PM - Attend engagement party out of town for brother in law and fiancee.

1:00 AM - Arrive home from said party, looking forward to getting at least 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

7:00 AM - Wake up to cat throwing up. TMI I know.

8:00 AM - Wake up again, take a quick shower and head out the door.

4:00 PM - Arrive back home from out of town funeral with baby in tow. I had to peel my eyes open to stay awake on the drive home, and was praying baby would stay asleep when we got home so I could TRY to get a quick 30 minute nap. No such luck. Instead woke up as pissed as she's been in a long time, and it didn't get much better.

8:00 PM - Baby is spent, so is mama and is sent to bed early.

8:15 PM - Mama falls asleep on couch.

10:00 PM - Thursday night's hell on earth starts again. Thoughts of why exactly I had a baby are flooding my head. This teething thing is really starting to piss me and her off. Another shot of Tyl.enol is given.

11:00 PM - Baby back asleep THANK GOD.

11:15 PM - Drift back asleep.

Approx. 11:30 PM - Loud blasts are heard outside, loud ass basset hound decides now would be a good time to stretch his vocal cords. Sound is that of a propane canon used by some old farmer about a mile down the road to scare off the birds.

12:15 AM - Sounds of propane canon and barking dog finally cease. Sleep is finally on the horizon.

8:00 AM - After a sort of good night sleep, baby awakes, happy, laughing and I think today is the day things are turning around.

10:00 AM - Phone call from furniture company. New couches are FINALLY in and will be delivered Friday!

12:00 PM - New deck furniture from Tar.get is delivered by hot UP.S guy.

2:00 PM - Husband comes home from doctor to go to bed. This is where he will proceed to spend the rest of the day, jacked up on a cocktail of Hydroco.ne, 1000 MG of Ibu.profen, and some anti-inflammatory. He messed his back up Friday (oops I left that part out) and since it was "sort of" my fault that it happened, I am now at his ever beckon call. He did however give me a hour off to take a nap. But that's only because that's when the medication kicked in.

So there ya go. Are ya tired yet? Because I am. And bored. And am hoping tomorrow continues to be better. And I promise I won't hate you if you never visit my site again.

But before I go this post wouldn't be complete without pics. But these aren't the Ava kind. These are pics of the party that was happening on my deck tonight.

I'm sure in the morning I'll have a beautiful web on my deck, but frankly I don't really care.

Said lonely spider invited best, and tastiest friend over. He's sure to be entangled in the web come morning.

And both will be history if he has anything to say about it.

Country living at it's finest.

15 months, going on 10

2007-07-02T21:07:00.000-04:00

I'd have to say that today was one of the better days I've had in a while. Ava had her 15 month pictures this morning, so we got up and met my parents for breakfast beforehand. She of course cheesed it up like a professional, then went and played her heart out at Gymboree and crashed for a much needed 3 hour nap. When she woke up is when the fun began.

Since we've moved into this house, I feel like I'm constantly doing something. Laundry, dishes, vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, unpacking, hanging up pictures, picking up, and vacuuming some more. I feel like I rarely have time to sit down and when I do it's usually after Ava goes to bed. Because of the craziness I feel like I'm not doing as much as I need to with her so today I decided to take away all distractions, and give her my undivided attention. As soon as she woke up, I immediately turned off the TV and my computer and the only noises in the house was the laughter and jabbering of my little girl. I don't have a cell phone at the moment (mom moment #1578 I'll get to at the end of the post) so even that couldn't get in the way. It was just me and her and even though I knew it already she is just an amazing child. She's working on a vocabulary of about 20 words now, is repeating almost everything I say, mimicking alot of things I do and in my opinion is just sharp as a tack. And of course she's one of the funniest human beings I know. We laughed, we played, we read stories, I got lots of kisses and hugs, and of course I turned into a human jungle gym for alot of the time. Even the few tantrums that she threw didn't bother me. I just can't get over how my little baby has truly turned into a little girl, the changes every day are just remarkable. Watching her learn something new has to be one of the greatest things about motherhood, and knowing that I played a part in helping her is like nothing I can describe.

So, off on another random subject, I have been without a cell phone since Friday. Do you know what this is like for me? I have had a cell phone since 1995 and it is rarely far from my side. I had to get something out in the mail Friday, so when I realized that at 11:30 AM that the mail had already come, I decided to throw Ava in the car and take it to the post office myself. One small problem, I left the letter, my wallet and cell phone on the top of the car and drove off. It wasn't until about 1 mile down the road when I heard and saw my phone fly off the roof. I was able to recover my wallet (thank god) but all that was left of my phone was the back, and part of the battery. Not too worried about the phone, but the thought of re-programming all my numbers is enough to throw me over the edge. And do you know where the letter was? In my driveway of course.

Oh, another random subject, do you remember that race that I was training for? Well it's Wednesday, and guess what? I'm not running in it! Because of my foot injury I'm forced to lay off for a couple of weeks. Boo hoo. I told my girls I'll be at the finish line with margaritas. Hey it's the least I can do.

Happy 4th to everyone. Be safe!

In the doghouse

2007-06-28T13:48:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure who I'm going to throw in there first, my husband or the dog. Last night, we came home to a horrible smell that permeated from the garage into the house. My loving, wonderful husband made the quick and smart realization that it was probably dead minnows still in the boat from his fishing trip over the weekend. The boat that he just HAD to have. And the boat that he HAS to keep in the garage which is much more important that me being able to park my car in there. Whatever, I'm over it. So anyway, he cleans them out, throws them in the yard and is done with it. Fast forward to today. I took the dog out without his leash and all was well. He played, ran, and rolled around. Nothing out of the ordinary. It wasn't until we got back inside that the smell started coming again, and this time I realized that he had rolled all in it. And you know what else he's done today to continue with the stellar behavior?? Peed in Ava's room, and shit on my freshly mopped floor. Anyone want a nice, friendly basset hound that's great with children?? I'm kidding of course.

I'm off to give him a bath. And wouldn't ya know of all days it decided to RAIN here, something we haven't really had all summer. Looks like I'll be breaking out the mop again today. Sigh