Boo

In case I'm not able to post for a bit, I'll leave you with something really scary for your Halloween.



I hope everyone has a good one.

Hope and Acceptance

I've been trying to get this post up for a couple of days, and I just can't seem to find the right balance of what I want to say. First of all I am speechless as to how to thank all of your for your endearing words of kindness and support. I am blown away at the responses that I got, and it has honestly helped me get through what so far has been the roughest week I can remember. I wish I had time to individually thank each and every one of you, but seeing as how my very active 19 month old doesn't think it's fair that I get to play on the computer when she can't, you can imagine I have very little time to myself.

I finally had a nice 30 minute discussion with my OB on Thursday. I tried to ask questions that I still had, best and possible options, and where do we go from here. As of then (and I guess as of right now) the baby is still alive, so even though the chances are slim that this is going to have a good outcome, we aren't ready to throw in the towel just yet. He asked me how I felt about delivering a baby with a heartbeat, and I can't, I won't, so we have decided to let nature take its course. I know what is probably inevitably going to happen, I am going to have to say goodbye to my baby but both the doctor and I would feel more comfortable if we gave it everything we have. So at this point he wants me to wait until my next ultrasound next Tuesday. Try telling that to my nerves because they are pretty much shot right now.

I have so many emotions going through me right now. I'm exhausted, sad, overwhelmed, mad but more than anything I'm scared. I'm scared how I'm really going to react to this once it is over. How am I going to grieve. How am I going to feel when this baby is no longer a part of me. I am not one that wears my emotions on my sleeve. I rarely cry in front of people. I like to pretend that I'm the strong one but inside I'm dying, I just want someone to take the pain away. As much as I'm ready for this to be over so I can begin to move on with my life, I want to cherish every minute I have because I don't know when it will be the last. But no matter how hard it is to be strong right now, I don't have a choice. I have to be there for my daughter, my husband, my family, but most importantly I have to be strong for this baby because as of right now it's still fighting. And that's more than enough motivation to keep me going.

Sorry for the delay

I know you guys are anxious to hear the results. Bottom line is I have no good news. They were not able to determine the sex, because I have absolutely no amniotic fluid surrounding the baby. Basically this pregnancy is over and all I can do now is sit and wait.

I sat in the doctors office for 2 and half fucking hours and as soon as the tech started things I knew they were bad. I've been through these before and she could barely get measurements on anything because the baby had no where to go. The worst part??? The baby's heart is beating, the skull is formed, the spine is perfect...the things I was worried about are not even a concern. Reasons for concern?? Other than the fluid...the fact that they can see can see the umbilical cord but not the stomach. His thought was that it was not in the right place. Another reason that my AFP tests were high could possibly be a problem with the abdominal wall cavity. The reason for no fluid?? No bladder production. They asked me several times if I thought I was leaking fluid? Don't you think a normal person would know if they were??? He made it seem like I wasn't telling them the truth on that. He then realized that the placenta probably wasn't doing it's job. Because it's attached to the other baby's placenta, it's a possibility that when the other baby died it caused the other to stop working. And I'm also only measuring 17 weeks, 0 days when I'm supposed to be almost 18 1/2 weeks along. So you can see that we've determined that this pregnancy was just not meant to be. I'm beyond devastated. I can't even explain to you how I feel right now. My heart literally aches. All I know is before I could muster up the strength to shed one tear I could hear Matthew on the side of me start to lose it. Then I lost it, and then my mom lost it. It's just so incredibly unfair that after all of this I still have nothing to show for it.

He told me all the thing that can potentially go wrong, stillbirth, preterm labor, pre-eclampysia, various other things that can damage my health...I could go on but I don't want to. He even mentioned something about ovarian cysts but I never heard another word about it so I have no idea if that's something to be concerned about or not.

So when I tried to get my composure back I asked him at this point what my options were. I either a.) come back in two weeks and see if the fluid MIRACULOUSLY reappears (which apparently based on his experience isn't going to) or b.) I opt to go into the hospital, have my labor induced, to give birth to a live baby who will not make it. I mean pardon the language but what the fuck am I supposed to do? I don't think I can make it another two weeks for them to tell me what I already know. I just wish someone would tell me what to do. Matthew thinks that from what he saw of the heartbeat it was slow, so maybe God is making the decision for me but I cannot in my right mind do that to a live baby. I can't. I have already "given birth" to a dead baby at home, I don't ever want to have to go through that again and I'm going to have to. It's not fair, it's just not fair. I'm not a bad person so why is this happening to me?

I intend to talk to my Dr. first thing in the morning and I hope at that point he can give me some direction because I have never felt so lost in my life. I KNOW people go through this all the time, and I actually have friends who have been through worse, I'm just throwing myself a pity party right now because it's the only thing I know to do.

I don't know when I'll blog again. I don't want this to be a blog about my losses, I still have a great life. I have a wonderful husband, the most perfect little girl who I love and appreciate more now than ever, and an equally supporting family. I want to be able to focus on the positive on my life so when I feel like I'm able to share those again I will. Hopefully it won't be too long and in the meantime I hope I don't lose you all as readers. And I will be reading you :) And wishing those of you who are on your journeys through pregnancy nothing but the best!

Wanna play a game??

So today's the big day, the day we find out if we're having a boy or a girl, but more importantly the day that we hopefully hear that the baby is healthy. That is really all I care about right now anyways.

I've never done an audience participation post so here's where you come in. I wanna know your opinions. Do you think I'm having a boy or a girl? I'll do the big reveal later but only after I get 10 comments with your guesses. Come on people, 10 comments. Is that so much to ask?

In other news, the stomach flu/virus is ripping through this family like wildfire. It started with my mom, then me and my husband and now Ava has a touch of it, bottom end style. Curious to see what my weight is today as I was pretty much unable to eat anything for 2 days. But as I sit here eating my McDo.nalds breakfast I think it's safe to assume the worst is behind me.

Wish me luck, in 3 short hours we'll know!

When life gives you a lemon, make vodka and lemonade

Yeah I'm here. I know you all are sitting on the edge of your seats wondering what to expect next. Well the neverending challenges of this pregnancy keep coming at me. Things were going good until I got the call on Tuesday. The call that will again keep me from sleeping or enjoying a minute of life until my ultrasound on Tuesday. My Doctor called Tuesday afternoon to inform me that my AFP test came back high for Neur.al Tu.be De.fects. He assured me that he's confident based on the pathology of the dead baby that this is a direct reflection of that. I am also comforted by the fact that if he was overly concerned I would have been in his office that day. It still doesn't make it any easier on me. Yes I know these tests produce many false positives, yes I know that at the time the blood work was taken I was probably still carrying hormones from the other baby. I also know that as we weren't planning to have a baby this soon I was NOT taking pre-natal vitamins. I did start choking them down the day I found out, but there were some days at the early stages I couldn't choke them down. I just have to try to have as little faith as I have left that everything still is okay. We will know for sure on Tuesday but knowing all of the what ifs takes all the fun out of finding out the sex of this baby. All I am concerned about now is that it is healthy. And considering this is the last time I am going through this, I was hoping to at least be able to enjoy a little bit about being pregnant. So far we've struck out big time in that area.


In other totally irrrelevant news, things haven't been all that bad here. My child FINALLY decided that she can indeed get faster places if she walks. Sure she's been taking a few steps for weeks, but the other night we were out to dinner at the clubhouse where my dad plays golf, and she just took off, all the way across the room, and never looked back. That's my girl. I knew she had it in her! She still prefers to crawl but at least we're getting there. Now if the dog would only get out of her way...

Knowing me I won't post again until the weekend is over. Thankfully I have a busy one planned. Matthew is having his 20th, yep 20th High School Reunion this weekend (I love teasing him about that) so there's all kinds of crap, I mean stuff going on. Not really looking forward to much of it except Keen.land on Sunday, but seeing as my favorite thing to do out there is chug the ice cold beer, I might be in for a long afternoon. He's also dragging me to some picnic on Saturday which is forcing me to miss my beloved Cats kick the crap out of the Gators. Does he realize what a good wife I am??? Because seriously, I don't miss football games for just anybody.

**Just got a message from the nurse at my Doctor's office saying my blood work came back normal??? WTF. God I'm so confused

Swoosh, swoosh, swoosh, swoosh...

A strong 158 beats a minute, honestly the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. Belly growth right on track, a whopping 6 pounds gained and 6 vials of my blood now belong to the lovely people in white lab coats. Mom's happy, dad's happy and Doctor is happy...what more could I ask for! I even got a faint little flutter as I was getting ready to hop on the table. It's just been a great day.

Today's the day

If you are thinking about it at 2:30 ish, say a quick prayer for us. We have yet to actually "hear" a heartbeat due to the obscene number of ultrasounds I've had, so I'm hoping today is the day! And if all goes well, in just two short weeks we'll get to find out what this little bugger is.

Wish me luck!

One last thing and then I'm moving on...

My super ahhhsome doctor called Wednesday to check on me, but to also let me know that they did some preliminary testing on the baby we lost and they determined that it did not have a breastbone, and the ribs were not in the right place. So basically it had nothing to protect it's heart and if it would have survived, it would not have had an easy life on the outside. He also briefly mentioned something called Turn.er's Syn.drome and although I only did a little bit of research, I learned that it only affects females and am now beginning to wonder if we indeed lost a girl. Definitely a question I'm going to ask next week. While I'm definitely comforted to know that this was caused by a chromosomal anomaly and not something that I did, it upsets me to know that I'm an now a statistic.


On a totally different note, and one in which probably deserves it's own post but I'm too lazy right now to do that, Ava had her 18 month check up last week. All is well, except the little squirt weighs about the same that she did at 15 months. A whopping 21 pounds. It appears that all the chicken nuggets, french fries, and hot dogs that I've been feeding her have only made her mommy fatter. Not fair indeed.

All joking aside, she's really changing alot and I know that's what they do at this stage, but I just can't get over how much of a person she is. She's really good now at communicating what she wants to us, and she's even better at showing us when she's really pissed off. I can't even list all of her new words because she has about 10 new ones a day. She's starting to interact with the dog alot more, and she now calls him "Harwee" instead of puppa. She frequently shows her disgust with him by pushing him aside, and the other day she even smacked him on the nose screaming "no" at him because he ate her chicken nugget. She looks more and more like her daddy every day and acts more and more like her mommy. And I know we will pay dearly for that later. She's still really not walking much. She can, and we've seen her do it, she just has absolutely no interest in it right now. But give the child a ladder and she will be up it faster than you can scream "shit." Oh, and did you know that she can now climb right on out of her crib? Because she can. I found her playing on the floor the other morning when I went to get her out of bed. Do you think it would be child abuse if I gently handcuffed her to the sides, because I'm not quite ready to put her in the toddler bed, and even if I was I have no idea where the instructions are to change it.

She starts a mother's day out program on Monday and I'm really looking forward to it. I have no idea how she's going to handle it but I'm all about having 4 hours to myself. Can you say toddler free time at the grocery store? Oh I can hear angels singing now. It's going to be nice to put the frozen stuff on the conveyor belt without having to explain why it looks like a mouse got a hold of everything I have. I'm also hoping that it entices her to WALK. She passed her August deadline, and she's a flower girl in a wedding next month and I'll be damned if she doesn't walk down that aisle. I refused to push my 19 month old child in a wagon. Not gonna do it.

I guess that's it. 5 more days until we hopefully get to hear the heartbeat on our other baby. I guess the good news is that since all of this has happened, I have felt 1000 times better. No more headaches, no more backache, no more nausea (for the most part) and my appetite has returned with a vengeance. I guess I should have listened to my body that was telling me something was wrong. Naturally I just didn't want to believe it. And now I'm anxiously, and impatiently waiting for that first kick, a sign that all is well in there.